Husband Issues?

The Question:

So far I've only seen questions relating to kids, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to tackle one about husbands?

My problem is I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after my husband. He cooks and leaves a mess on the stove that I have to clean off. He leaves dishes all over the house. When he cooks, he also leaves wrappers on the counters. I try not to mind, because he's working full time and going to school, but at the same time, couldn't he at least rinse his plates? The other day I woke up and there was spaghetti sauce all over the stove. I mean, ALL over. when he woke up (he works graves) I asked him if he'd clean it up. He said, "I knew that would be the first thing you said to me today." (If you knew it was coming, why didn't you wipe it off?!) And then he never cleaned it.

I've talked with him about using paper plates, and he is SO opposed to them, but won't tell me why. I understand if you're eating a steak, you don't want to have to cut up your plate. But if you're microwaving a quesadilla, shouldn't it be worth it to eat off a paper plate so your wife doesn't have to scrape off the melted cheese?

Also, I feel like the only thing I regularly ask him to do is take out the garbage. It really is too heavy for me most of the time. Before I was married, I had a tiny garbage can that would fit under the sink, so it had to be taken out every day and never got heavy or stinky. As soon as we got married, he started campaigning for a bigger can, and I told him he could get it if he'd be the one taking out the trash. So I ask him VERY nicely, and he says he'll do it, then doesn't. And I'm not even asking him to make a special trip! I always say, "Baby, when you leave, would you take the trash out with you?" He says yes, then leaves without it. I remind him, and he says sure thing, then leaves again. This will go for several days before he gets frustrated with me asking and finally takes it out. I partly feel like I want to make a point and he SAID he'll take it out, so he SHOULD! But also, sometimes when I finally cave and do it myself, he says, "I said I'd take it out!"

So how do I talk to him about this without it turning into a big argument? I don't want to feel like a nag, but that's the only way to get things done. I feel so disrespected, and like he's taking advantage of me, even though I know that's not what it's about.

Please Help!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

It sounds like maybe you and your husband are at a stand-off.  You're in a pattern that builds resentment and separation.   If you really want to strengthen your marriage and feel loved and cared for by your husband, you have the ability to turn things around.  But you are going to have to stop keeping score, stop looking for evidence of his neglect and stop making requests and then waiting for him to fail you again.   You need to step back and look at what he is giving you--working full time and going to school so he can take good care of you.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I know.  I'm still back there in the age where a man's role was to provide and a woman's role was to create a warm loving home for him to return to every night--rather than a frown and a pile of chores.   I think you should do all you can to support him with this difficult schedule.   Make it your goal to be the woman he can't wait to see and hates to leave.   Make it so that he loves and appreciates you so much that he wants to take your garbage out.  I know, I know.  It's his garbage just as much as it is yours.  But men like to feel like they're doing something for you and that you love them for it--not like naughty little children that you have to keep in line.   Express appreciation continually for the sacrifices he's making for you.  Doing this will invite him to lower his defenses and begin to appreciate you in return.

Of course, this will only work if it is deeply sincere.  Make up your mind that you are going to serve him without resentment.   It only takes a few seconds to wash a plate.  Don't make a big show of it.  When you feel like complaining, give him a smile and a big hug and tell him it's the least you can do considering all that he does for you.  I can almost guarantee that as he feels this love and support from you, you will not have to take out the garbage.  He'll see you doing it and say, "Hey little lady, I'll get that for you."  And you'll say, "Thanks."  And he'll just think you're the best thing ever made.  Your marriage will flourish.

Pray each day to know how to better serve and care for your husband and you will receive ideas and a softening of heart.  The love you have for each other is right at the bedrock of your successful home.  It's worth any effort.

With love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Creating Everyday Fun In Your Family

Dear Friends,

 

 I'd like to talk to you about a wonderful aspect of family life.....Fun!  There is nothing more bonding than laughing together.   It is truly leaven in the loaf and I'm sorry to pin one more thing on you, but you, the mother, control so much of the "fun level" in your home.  I confess that I'm a pretty productive person.  I'm happiest when I'm getting things done and if left unchecked, I would move the family from one serious endeavor to the next.  Maybe that's why the Lord sent me a houseful of fun people---and funny too. 

 

 Fun often means that you have to stop what you're doing and enjoy the moment.  Here's a story.  Long, long ago, I was making bread and someone--I'm not sure who---invented the dough game.  Each person in the immediate area is given a plastic cup with a little ball of dough inside.  Everyone stands in a circle---as wide as the room accomodates and on the count of three, they toss their ball to the right.  So of course, each person has to toss and catch within a second.  The goal of course, is to successfully catch all the dough balls.  Once we get a good rhythm going, we try for 20 catches in a row, or we add variations--like throwing all the dough up and then catching whatever we can and...ok, usually dough fights ensue.  To this day, I can never make bread or rolls without someone starting up the dough game. 

 

 Fun doesn't have to cost anything.  I'm always amazed at the money people spend on fun---and often, the activities aren't that fun.  I've found that when we set out on a free adventure, and I'm in a good mood, something surprising and memorable usually happens.  Like Riverfront Park.  It's a beautiful park here in Spokane with walkways and waterfalls.  There's a carousel and a tram and other ways to spend money.  But we rarely do those things.  We feed the ducks, we look at the falls, we bring a snack.   And always, always some good, unexpected thing is waiting for us.  One time, the boys caught 32 crayfish.  I know, I know.  Yuck!  But they loved it and they even cooked some and ate them when they got home.  Another time, a little colony of marmots popped up in some rocks on a hillside.  We were the only ones around and when the marmots discovered that we had crackers, they became very friendly. 

 

As the mother, you help your children to realize and appreciate the wonder and the joy of simple fun.  You can exclaim, "This is amazing!"  "Can you believe our good luck?"  "What could be more fun than this?" 

 

When a family experiences these unexpected, unplanned pleasures together, their love and appreciation for eachother flourishes.  When you, as the mother, pause and identify the moment, a memory is cemented.

 

I love humor and I've noticed that many families seem to have a sense of humor all their own.  Where does that come from?  I'm not sure.  But I love that aspect of family life.  We can encourage and develop our children's sense of humor by laughing with them and pointing out the funny moments in life.   One day, my grandson Jack called to say that they had woken up to find a chicken in their back yard.  He laughed and laughed as he told me about it.  In another household, the tone may have been different.  The parents might have been annoyed or nervous about this chicken, but Jack's parents saw the humor in the situation so Jack did to.  What a gift we give our children when we encourage them to see humor in everyday life.  My daughter Kristen had a habit of humming a little soundtrack to things she saw as we drove along.  For example, if a dog was trotting down the road, she would hum a perfect accompaniment to his gait.  I loved that!  And I still hear those little tunes in my head. 

 

Set a goal to laugh with your children at least two or three times a day.  Help them see humor.  When things start gettig heavy and intense, stop everything and shock them with a game of your own invention.  You know that old proverb "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones."  I know that "dry bones" burned out feeling.   I sometimes have it in the car when we're heading off on an outing.  I've cleaned the house, made the food, dressed the kids, loaded everything up and I'm completely shot.  So I've sat there in the passenger seat and prayed for a merry heart because I've learned that I'm the determining factor. My husband is always a great sport and kids just want to have fun.  As usual, the Lord comes through and softens me up and all is right with the world.    And that's good medicine for all of us.

 

Have a fun week.

 

Love you,

Jane

New Mom Isolation?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

 

I know it has been a long time since you were just a mother of one, but as that is what I am, that is where my question comes from. My question isn't about my baby, it's about me.

 

Now, let me first set some things straight. I love being a mother. It is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. My daughter is seriously an angel baby. When she's having a rough day, other people don't understand because that is how their babies were on normal days. She is a great sleeper and is as cute as can be. I love her. She is great. I am doing everything I can to soak up these precious moments when I am her best friend and she lights up when she sees me. I know this time is going to go by fast.

 

My problem is the loneliness in my life. My husband is great, but he is working while also attending law school. Although he is the oldest in his family, he struggles with his schedule no longer being his own with the little one around, esp. since our time together is limited due to the demands on his time. We don't live anywhere near family; we don't feel like we fit in at all in our ward (which is amazing in a ward where there have already been something like 20 babies born this year, you would think we'd be perfect in that demographic.) I am tired of trying to make friends and failing, but 18 hours alone every day with a 3 month old gets to be a little isolating. I even have talked to my doctor about PPD, but she's fairly certain that that is not my issue.

 

When it is a chore just to get to the grocery store with my little one, how am I supposed to be motivated to get out  and do other things? How can I combat this new mom isolation and have a conversation where I can get a response that is a little more complex than ga ga goo?

Thank you,

AJ

 

The Answer:

Dear AJ,

 

I am reasonably certain that since you wrote this letter back in July, you have already solved this problem to some degree.  But because I've received several letters like yours, I'm going to offer some suggestions.

 

First let me refer you to a response from last March (March 8: Dealing with Loneliness)  In it, I give almost every idea I can think of for reaching out and connecting with others.  There are also several great comments from readers that might help you.

 

But besides "reaching out" ideas, I'd like to give you one other thought.  I've discovered over my lifetime, that there are some lonely seasons.  I've gone through them.  I've watched my children go through them.  I think they serve a purpose.  We really learn compassion when we experience that isolated feeling.  We don't like to see someone sitting alone.  We are motivated to teach our children how to notice and include people.   But more than even these valuable lessons, I think we really discover the reality of a Heavenly Father.  I've never felt closer to him than during those times when I've run out of places to turn.  The more lonely I've felt, the more open I've been to his love.  Maybe it's just that we have to be really empty before we recognize how it feels to be filled.  Certainly, those times of isolation and need have deepened my testimony more than the times of feast.

 

Because before long, life becomes full and busy and so we forget, to some degree, that most precious relationship and we lose, to some degree, that precious dependence. 

 

So my suggestion is that you try to form friendships, but also learn the lessons that your present life can teach you. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

Coming Back...and a request.

Dear Readers,

After a short absence, I am back!  I’ve missed you and want to thank those of you who’ve hung on and continued to add great comments in my absence.  I have a pile of questions waiting for me and I’ll answer them one by one. 

           

I’m determined to keep this blog alive because, well, I love it.  I love that we are all trying together to be better parents, to love more purely and to connect more fully with our children.  That’s a big challenge, I know, and it takes all the encouragement we can get.   

             

My favorite aspect of parenting is the one I just mentioned—the forging of bonds.  As I’ve often told you, parenting for me reached a whole new level of fulfillment and excitement when I began to focus less on forced outcomes which required a rather heavy-handed approach.  The goal, instead, became the building of conscience and that happened for me as I changed my focus to loving and teaching—communicating my love while making sure that my expectations were clear and doable.

 

There are many, many methods of parenting out there.   That’s why I’m impressed that you’re still here!  This isn’t the easiest way.   Lasting results come slowly.  Grandparents raise their eyebrows.  Husbands resist.  But the thing that makes you persevere is success—small daily successes.   I want to hear about them.  I want you to be able to read one another’s success stories and be encouraged by them.  If you have a story, large or small in which a child has really responded to his/her conscience rather than force, tell us about it.  Tell us how it came about.   Send your success stories and we’ll post them here—with or without your name.  (askingjane at gmail dot com).

  

My plan is to write you a letter every Monday (we all need a little nudge forward on Mondays, right?)  and then to answer questions as I have time.  My reward will be your success stories!

I send all my love to you.  Remember Alma 36, “ by small and simple things are great things brought to pass”   I know there is nothing small or simple about your responsibilities.  But everything you are doing has meaning—every little act.   Remember that great analogy by Elder David Bednar about the little brush strokes.  They all add up to beauty--your little touches, moments of eye contact, stories read, cookies baked, laundry folded, legos picked up (again).  Your presence means security.  You are the sun—the center of their world   A lot of responsibility, I know—but a warm place to be.

Have a great week.  I’m glad to be with you again.

With Love,

Jane

Hopping Out Of Bed?

The Question:
Hi Jane-

I'm wondering how you deal with children repeatedly getting out of bed after they have been tucked in for the night.  After going through the entire bedtime routine, my 3 1/2 year old daughter often appears at the top of the stairs minutes later, claiming she can't sleep.  I understand an extra drink or trip to the bathroom before she settles down for the night, but really I think she just doesn't want to miss out on anything that might be going on while she's in bed.  Short of keeping up her up until the rest of the family is in bed or tiptoeing around the house until she's fallen asleep, how can I help her understand that bedtime is non-negotiable?  It discourages me that an otherwise wonderful day together can end on a sour note as we spend an extra hour convincing her that it really is time to go to bed.  I would much rather send her to bed with hugs and kisses than tired lectures on obedience, agency, and consequences.

Thank you for your ideas and willingness to share your life experiences with all of us.

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I really wish there were a simple answer to this question.  Have you heard this little song?

I love it because it confirms the universal nature of this problem.  Children hate going to bed.  I've always laughed at the irony of things--how I'd love to have someone lead me to a quiet room every day and order me to take a nap, how I'd enjoy being congratulated for eating everything on my plate--and even seconds!, how I'd jump at the chance to go to bed every night at a regular time--undisturbed til morning.  Just about the time human beings  make the shift to loving sleep, it becomes a vice instead of a virtue.  But that is the way of things.

There are people who are extremely structured about bedtimes, but I've always wondered how they did it.  Because young children have such varied schedules--some days they take a late nap, some days no nap, some days tired, some days not so much, bedtimes vary somewhat.  I just watched for the signs that my children were tired.  If they napped til four in the afternoon, they probably wouldn't go to be til I did.   On an ideal day, my little children would all take a nap or have a good rest right after lunch so they were ready for bed by 7:30 or 8:00, but like me, they didn't always stick to that schedule.  I wasn't one to put them in bed at 7:00 no matter what and then battle with them for 2 hours because they really weren't tired.  I just tried to read their cues. 

But I understand that many women like to have several hours of uninterrupted time with their husband at night.  We weren't like that so much.  We didn't mind having a child up if they were pleasant and not tired.  When they got tired, we put them to bed.  Around school age, we established a pretty firm bedtime that seemed natural.  Even now, we have scripture study at 8:30 and then bed.  Our children  fall into that routine easily at that age and our older teenagers choose their bedtime.

Good luck.  You're not alone in the bedtime battle.

Love,

Jane

A Toddler and a New (special needs) Baby?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

Oh boy, I've got a bazillion questions.  I've been thinking about your blog a lot and in particular your ideas on loving discipline.  It resonates with me, especially because I recognize the fact that my own upbringing was one where there was a lack of love felt, plenty of shame/yelling, etc.  {Not to be a cry baby and not that it was all bad, but it is what it is.}  With my own daughter I've tried very hard to form a strong, loving bond.  I try to be especially cuddly and physically affectionate.  So when you talk about the importance of these things, I get it.  Here's what I don't get....

I believe in being firm with discipline, rules and boundaries.  {Another thing I know I lacked in my childhood and thus actually contributed to me feeling less loved.}  So in my mind, I try to balance being the firm disciplinarian with being a loving, fun mom at all other times.  But again, I like what you've talked about...I like the idea of treating kids as we would want to be treated and trying to encourage behavior through love rather than force. BUT....BUUUUUUUT I'm really struggling to see how I could get my daughter--a toddler, who is 3--to do certain things any other way, than without using something that basically adds up to a threat.  If we ask her to do something, she often complies because she's genuinely and generally a good girl.  But she's still 3 and of course doesn't do everything asked of her.  Naturally.  Additionally, lately she's been going through a rather defiant phase and without saying things like {even very kindly}, "Sweetheart, if you don't do _______ you're not going to get any treats."  Or "Sorry sweetie it's time for bed, and you know if you scream and throw a fit that we take your book away."  I guess I can see how your approach over time really helps, particularly with teenagers, but I'm having a really hard time seeing how I could use this same approach on a toddler who would and could just say no every time I ask her to do something.  I know you talk about having high standards with your children and that they definitely have boundaries, but I just need help seeing this with toddlers.  Oh, and we've even done a bean jar lately to promote obedience and to use a positive approach, but I'm also afraid that now she's just being obedient just to "get a bean"  and of course it still doesn't work all the time.  I know that my aim isn't just to 'get her to do what I want, when I want' but at the same time, I do think there are times that when I ask her to do something, it needs to be done.  Period.  And so far I can't figure out how to do that without a natural consequences approach.  And I guess I've been sorta hard on myself lately because as I've really been thinking about this I've tried to utilize the method unsuccessfully a few times, only to get frustrated and even once to the point of yelling and walking out.  So I could use some help....I don't want this idea to be some elusive ideal that I can't reach and in the meantime only get frustrated with my lack of know how and end up doing something worse {yelling} than my original approach...does that make sense?  Also, as mentioned in the title, I'm feeling particularly rushed as I'm pregnant with our second daughter who is going to be born with special needs.  I know this is going to change everything in a lot of ways, and that I might feel additional stress of not just a newborn but a newborn that comes with a whole new set of issues.  {I'm seriously writing this in the hospital right now, preparing to have a c-section tomorrow 5 weeks early because she needs to get out asap...you don't have to put this part on the blog if you post my question, but I'm so desperate for some guidance that this is what's on my last minute to-do list.  I know...crazy much?} 

Anyway, thanks for your help.  You're a cool cat Jane and thank goodness for mothers like you.

Love,

Amy

The Answer: 

Dear Amy,

I am constantly amazed at the obstacles that mothers have before them and the strength and determination they meet them with.  By now, you have a new baby with special needs.  She's very blessed to have you.

As for your three year old, I really do understand your frustration.  You feel like she'll walk all over you if you use a loving approach and she often does.  Probably 80% of the questions I receive have to do with this age group.  The reason it's hard for me to answer this question is because I can hardly remember what it was like to have only one or two children.  I know I hovered over them and was aware of all of their behaviors.  But for the last five or six children, I just became very easy going.  I made few demands and just enjoyed them at this age.  I didn't really discipline much.  I fed them when they were hungry and gave them naps when they were tired and we all played with them and enjoyed their little antics.  I potty trained them when they were ready, read to them a lot, and taught them new things.  I just had very few power struggles.  I did teach them that no means no and that there were limits. I didn't give in when they cried or whined.  I would follow through.  "I know...you really want candy.  I'm sorry but we'll have some later."   Big hug. Walk away.  And I was firm about things.  "You may never hit.  Hitting hurts people"  Focus on the victim.   As I've mentioned, the whole focus at this age is on teaching correct behavior--practicing it and rewarding it and helping to bring about success.  Role play so she gets a good picture of what you want.  "Let's practice walking through a store."  "Let's practice coming right when you're called."  I think the bean jar and things like it are good because they reinforce good behavior.  Hugs and lots of eye contact are even better.  Not just stern, teaching eye contact but "I love you" eye contact and lots of smiles.  "I'm going to tell you ten reasons why I'm glad you're my little girl."    Three year olds are still very small and irrational--though smart.  They don't really think through things yet.  Just be patient, love and teach.  As they get a little older, they really will have a more true sense of right and wrong and be able to make more good choices.

The greatest advantage of my age and stage of life, is perspective.  I know that most of the things that I worried about with my earlier kids just corrected themselves with time and maturity.  I learned to relax and enjoy my children and as a result, they turned out to be sweet and loving.  That's really why I write this blog--to tell you the great secret--that you are free to love and enjoy your children without worrying about ruining them.  When they sense your constant disapproval, they'll be discouraged.  When they feel deeply approved of and accepted, they will thrive.  Think about the way your husband treats you and what kind of treatment brings out the best in you.  Especially when you are undeserving.   It's a universal principle.

Congratulations on your new little baby girl.  I'm thinking of you.

Love,

Jane

Children Who Help Keep Things Clean?

The Question:

Okay, Jane. 

You have dazzled me with your wisdom and parenting expertise so far, so I come to you with a conundrum of epic proportions.  Are you ready?  Here it is....
How do I get my children (9, 7, 6, 4) to pick up after themselves so that I don't continue living my life as the resident maid for the next 20 years?  It's not that I don't try to get them involved in cleaning--they do have chores to do, and normally do them well (when rewards are attached). BUT the fact that they can step over the same pile of junk 150 TIMES without batting an eye at it is starting to spin this relatively sane mother into a frustrated, overwhelmed ranter who loses it just a bit more often than she'd like to admit.

Suggestions?
Jonesy

The Answer:

Dear Jonesy,

 

Oh for a simple answer to this question.  I think it's a battle that never ends while children are in the house.  I discovered that I had a level--beneath which I could no longer function.  In other words, I had a level of chaos that I could accept.  But when we dipped below that level, things ground to a halt.  So I feel your pain and I'll share just a couple of ideas.

 

I established a morning routine with the goal that by 10:00 or so, our house was clean.  Like your family, everyone had jobs to do.  During the school year, those jobs were done before school.  The key to making this happen is you.  You have to be up and moving through the house keeping everyone on task.  Beds should be made, laundry sorted, rooms cleaned and other jobs done.  This daily "putting the house in order" shows children how to do it and what the finished product should look like.  If they get used to disarray--days of seeing everything in disorder--they will accept that environment. 

 

Maintaining a clean house is another matter.  It is a never-ending process to teach children to pick up after themselves.  You have to be very engaged while they are young teaching them to put away one activity before they begin another one--teaching them to clean up after themselves as they go.  It isn't natural for them.  I've noticed that some very fastidious mothers tend to have children with that same characteristic.  I don't think it's genetic.  I think it's learned.  The children simply learn that nothing can be left out ever.  As for me, I'm not great at it myself so I don't really expect it from m kids.  As I mentioned, I can live with a certain level of chaos for a few hours.  I can spread a school project all over the living room, cook in the kitchen and let the toddlers have a free for all for a while.  But I can't let things go like that all day or for days on end.  When the project is finished, I rally the troops and we all clean up the whole house.  We might do it a couple of times a day.  "OK, everybody stop.  We're going to clean the  house before lunch...before Dad gets home...just before bed."  By clean, I don't mean Saturday deep clean--just put everything in its place.  When my children were young, we'd often move from room to room cleaning together--me barking orders while the kids ran to put things away.  I used a timer or some other little gimmick.  Now we can each take a room or two and have the house picked up in about 10 minutes.

 

What doesn't work is this.  Mom watches tv or blogs or reads and keeps saying, "You kids get that room cleaned up...Isn't that room clean yet?...What's going on in there?"  Mom has to be engaged in the process to ensure quality control and to teach organization.  Mom establishes the level of order and continually enforces it.  She provides a place for everything.  She doesn't fill her children's lives with mountains of things to take care of.  She keeps it simple.  She limits the number of shirts and shoes and toys her children have to deal with so that their lives are manageable and then she helps them manage.

When my son Peter was about four, I set up a little table for him near the computer.  I put a small desk organizer on it with just the right number of art supplies and put a shoe box on it for his finished works of art.  He loved that simple little place and I was amazed how orderly he kept it.  I think it was because I thought it through and made it manageable for him.  We can take the time as moms to think through the trouble areas in our kids lives and pare them down to simple and manageable.  Then model the tidy behavior we're after.  They really will accept our level.

 

I hope these ideas have been helpful.  I know you've heard this a hundred times, but the day will come--sooner than you think--when the house will stay clean all day.  Everything will stay right in it's place.  It will be way too quiet.  And you'll enjoy that for about a week before you start missing the flurry of activity and life that is a family.  Enjoy it now.

 

All my love,

 

Jane