The Question:
Dear Jane,
First off- thank you so much for the time you spend on answering so many questions.
I really admired your letter to your readers. I really want to focus more on my relationship with my children as opposed to just disciplining like you wrote about. My question for you is how do I get my husband on board without sounding like I am nagging and wanting him to do things "my way"? I have been wanting to talk to him about changing our disciplinary ways with our children for a few days now, but I can't seem to find the right time or words to express to him how important this is to me. How did you and your husband work together?
Thanks,
Jamee
The Answer:
Dear Jamee,
It was kind of a funny thing with us. When our oldest children were young, my bible was "Children the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs. It is based on natural consequences. It made sense and I had to train my husband in all of its ways. We would sit around and brainstorm about appropriate consequences for various offenses. We got pretty adept at natural consequences, but as I've mentioned before, I felt uneasy about the "outward vs. inward" motivations involved. As I became converted to the loving approach and became more and more excited about it, I had the job of convincing my husband that we needed to scrap the old method. He was really skeptical-- because in theory, it sounds permissive, inconsistent and ineffective. But I started using it and pointing out the successes and little by little, he became a believer.
I'd have to say though, that even after all these years, we're really different in our styles. Neither of us are harsh but we don't handle things in exactly the same way. I think that's ok. Children really seem to adapt to and even benefit from those differences.
I suggest that you just ease into new ways of doing things and discuss them as you go along. Explain the theories behind a loving approach and then try it out. My good friend has recently had to go back to school, and her husband primarily cares for the children. She told me that one day her husband was trying to resolve a conflict between two children. Instead of punishing the perpetrator (which he would have done before), he focused on the injured child, assuring him that no harm was meant. The guilty child looked on for a few moments, then ran forward and apologized--on his own. The father was surprised and excited to see this apology without any outside prompting. He began to catch the vision of the whole approach.
It's not a change that can be made overnight. But as you both see positive results and talk about them, you'll likely move in this direction together.
All my love,
Jane
Showing posts with label Fatherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fatherhood. Show all posts
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Fatherhood and Bonding?
The Question:
My question is about dads. I have noticed that my husband distances himself from our 2 year old daughter (only child). It absolutely breaks my heart to see her be ignored. He isn't mean or anything, he just doesn't pay much attention to her. How do I help him connect with her? He is not a naturally affectionate/emotional person. I have learned to recognize the other ways he shows his love for us, but I just think that toddlers and children need lots of hugs, affection and encouragement. She gets it from me, but I think she needs it from both parents. I have explained this to him as best I can, but not much changes. He says that I am just trying to force him to do things my way, and that she "doesn't like [him], so what's the use?" I think we are both at the point where we don't know how to fix things. -Anonymous
The Answer(s):
What a great question. I have thought about it all day long! I'll bet there are many who share your frustration. My own father was a very quiet and gentle man but definitely not affectionate. He didn’t know how to relate to little children very well. I feel like we discovered each other when I was a teen-ager. He was kind and accepting and easy to talk to. My mother, always the more affectionate one, was a bit high-strung when I was older. All of that emotion I enjoyed in her when I was a child, was a bit annoying when I was 16. My dad was a great stabilizer.
I think that your husband may feel inadequate and awkward as a father of young children.. You can help by down-playing his awkwardness and appreciating his small efforts. Don’t make an issue of it. This will only make him feel worse about his abilities. Just be patient and know that he will be a father for a long time. He will develop his own relationship with your children, that is unique from yours. They don’t need another mother. (They already have a superb one of those, right?)
Try to do all you can indirectly to help his affection for his daughter grow. Enjoy her together. Laugh with him about the cute things she says or does. Orchestrate encounters that are pleasant—when she’s rested, doing things she enjoys. If he senses your disapproval, he may give up. If he senses that you see him as a good father, his confidence will grow. Resist the temptation to compare him with more nurturing fathers. That isn’t his style.
I really think that the feminist movement brought with it, unreasonably high expectations of men. Their role is primarily to preside, provide and protect. They are pretty good at that. We want to add our role of teach and nurture—things that are natural for us. And we often hand them our tired, worn-out children at the end of a long day and ask them to deal with them. No wonder they struggle.
I shared your question with my husband and I was really quite fascinated with his answer. Anyone who knows him now would say he’s a “family man” if there ever was one. But his answer shows me the journey that it’s actually been for him. I’m going to include it here so that it might give you a glimpse into a man’s mind.
From Bruce:
My wife, Jane, asked that I take a stab at answering your question, so here goes:
I remember a talk given once by the president of the LDS Church then, President Spencer W. Kimball, about sharing the gospel. In it he mentioned that some of us may not be inclined to engage others in conversation or see ourselves as outgoing. I was surprised when he said, in essence, we need to become more outgoing so we can fulfill our responsibilities to share the gospel. I thought of the many people I knew who were in that category of being more quiet, keeping to themselves, or unskilled in conversation. It would take a lot of concerted effort for them and definitely would take them out of their comfort zone to be the kind of people who could be more effective as missionaries. Yet the expectation was clear. They would need to stretch themselves, give up comfortable habits, and develop some new skills. Some things come with the territory.
I think it is the same with parenting. While we all have our strengths, weaknesses and personalities, based in large part by how we were raised, there are still some minimum requirements expected to be effective as parents. For some those skills and attributes come naturally; for others it will take some effort, practice and patience. I agree that 2 year old daughters need affection, one of those things that comes with the territory, but also recognize that even at that early age they often have developed preferences for one parent over the other, making it tough to connect and engage if you aren't the preferred one. And if you aren't naturally prone to showing affection it makes the challenge that much greater.
My experience has been that a child's preferences for one parent balance out over time and at different stages can shift quite a bit. So don't sweat it if you aren't currently the chosen one, or they don't seem to like you, and don't read it as a sign that you will never be close to them. Do what you can to connect, be grateful for those things you find that work and have patience.
As a new parent to young children I gained a lot of help from Jane's views about our children. She would teach me about how our kids see the world--how they view things and what they are likely feeling at any given point in time. I began to watch how she was with them and to look at our children differently. I would try various things to better connect with them and overtly make an effort to find what they enjoyed doing with me. Over time I found things that were unique to that child that they really liked and used those times to build bonds of love and strengthen our relationship. Routines developed so that when it was our reading time, for example, I would let them choose a book and we would read it together. It became one of those things they would look forward to, as did I.
In between those activities I would frequently pick up our little kids and lift them in the air so they were weightless, then catch them, having done it from near infancy so it was something they really enjoyed. Or I would spin around and around while holding them in my arms then sit on a couch or chair and hold their eyes closed for a few seconds after and ask them if they thought they were still spinning. Then I would let them open their eyes so they could adjust and see that even though they thought they were still going around they were actually not. Sometimes this would lead to tickling (which not every child likes) or jumping on the couch or bed or some other thing they liked to do. Piggy-back rides around the house or outside usually work well. Another, seemingly dumb thing, I do that kids that age like is to lightly pound on their backs while they are saying, "Ahhhh" like singing and holding on a single note, so it comes out in a vibrating sound.
So far as showing affection when it doesn't seem to come naturally, I would suggest practicing it. As I said, I learned a lot from Jane by watching how and when she would show affection--hugs when she came in the home after being gone awhile, squeezes occasionally during some one-on-one time, glowing compliments on the pictures they drew, telling them that she loved them when they were having a particularly enjoyable time together, and bedtime routines that included telling them she loved them. The more I tried to find appropriate moments to show affection the better I became at it. I think it helped me that Jane would share her genuine love for the kids to me which made me examine my own feelings for them. Did I really love them that much? Was I as charmed with their antics as she was? Could I be better at developing a deeper interest and admiration for them? I wasn't raised with a lot of overt affection. Compliments were few and far between. So while I enjoyed children, I didn't always show that, and sometimes, when I was honest with myself, I realized that I was fairly indifferent about them. They were part of my life, and I appreciated them, but nothing to get excited about, they were just kids. Seeing them through Jane's eyes opened up some wonderful perspectives and helped me see them for who they are: beautiful, creative, tender spirits who blessed my life and our home. As those perspectives grew it became easier to respond to them in loving ways.
Hope there was something in my thoughts that is helpful. Parenting is a never-ending challenge, but worth whatever it takes to succeed.
Bruce
My question is about dads. I have noticed that my husband distances himself from our 2 year old daughter (only child). It absolutely breaks my heart to see her be ignored. He isn't mean or anything, he just doesn't pay much attention to her. How do I help him connect with her? He is not a naturally affectionate/emotional person. I have learned to recognize the other ways he shows his love for us, but I just think that toddlers and children need lots of hugs, affection and encouragement. She gets it from me, but I think she needs it from both parents. I have explained this to him as best I can, but not much changes. He says that I am just trying to force him to do things my way, and that she "doesn't like [him], so what's the use?" I think we are both at the point where we don't know how to fix things. -Anonymous
The Answer(s):
What a great question. I have thought about it all day long! I'll bet there are many who share your frustration. My own father was a very quiet and gentle man but definitely not affectionate. He didn’t know how to relate to little children very well. I feel like we discovered each other when I was a teen-ager. He was kind and accepting and easy to talk to. My mother, always the more affectionate one, was a bit high-strung when I was older. All of that emotion I enjoyed in her when I was a child, was a bit annoying when I was 16. My dad was a great stabilizer.
I think that your husband may feel inadequate and awkward as a father of young children.. You can help by down-playing his awkwardness and appreciating his small efforts. Don’t make an issue of it. This will only make him feel worse about his abilities. Just be patient and know that he will be a father for a long time. He will develop his own relationship with your children, that is unique from yours. They don’t need another mother. (They already have a superb one of those, right?)
Try to do all you can indirectly to help his affection for his daughter grow. Enjoy her together. Laugh with him about the cute things she says or does. Orchestrate encounters that are pleasant—when she’s rested, doing things she enjoys. If he senses your disapproval, he may give up. If he senses that you see him as a good father, his confidence will grow. Resist the temptation to compare him with more nurturing fathers. That isn’t his style.
I really think that the feminist movement brought with it, unreasonably high expectations of men. Their role is primarily to preside, provide and protect. They are pretty good at that. We want to add our role of teach and nurture—things that are natural for us. And we often hand them our tired, worn-out children at the end of a long day and ask them to deal with them. No wonder they struggle.
I shared your question with my husband and I was really quite fascinated with his answer. Anyone who knows him now would say he’s a “family man” if there ever was one. But his answer shows me the journey that it’s actually been for him. I’m going to include it here so that it might give you a glimpse into a man’s mind.
From Bruce:
My wife, Jane, asked that I take a stab at answering your question, so here goes:
I remember a talk given once by the president of the LDS Church then, President Spencer W. Kimball, about sharing the gospel. In it he mentioned that some of us may not be inclined to engage others in conversation or see ourselves as outgoing. I was surprised when he said, in essence, we need to become more outgoing so we can fulfill our responsibilities to share the gospel. I thought of the many people I knew who were in that category of being more quiet, keeping to themselves, or unskilled in conversation. It would take a lot of concerted effort for them and definitely would take them out of their comfort zone to be the kind of people who could be more effective as missionaries. Yet the expectation was clear. They would need to stretch themselves, give up comfortable habits, and develop some new skills. Some things come with the territory.
I think it is the same with parenting. While we all have our strengths, weaknesses and personalities, based in large part by how we were raised, there are still some minimum requirements expected to be effective as parents. For some those skills and attributes come naturally; for others it will take some effort, practice and patience. I agree that 2 year old daughters need affection, one of those things that comes with the territory, but also recognize that even at that early age they often have developed preferences for one parent over the other, making it tough to connect and engage if you aren't the preferred one. And if you aren't naturally prone to showing affection it makes the challenge that much greater.
My experience has been that a child's preferences for one parent balance out over time and at different stages can shift quite a bit. So don't sweat it if you aren't currently the chosen one, or they don't seem to like you, and don't read it as a sign that you will never be close to them. Do what you can to connect, be grateful for those things you find that work and have patience.
As a new parent to young children I gained a lot of help from Jane's views about our children. She would teach me about how our kids see the world--how they view things and what they are likely feeling at any given point in time. I began to watch how she was with them and to look at our children differently. I would try various things to better connect with them and overtly make an effort to find what they enjoyed doing with me. Over time I found things that were unique to that child that they really liked and used those times to build bonds of love and strengthen our relationship. Routines developed so that when it was our reading time, for example, I would let them choose a book and we would read it together. It became one of those things they would look forward to, as did I.
In between those activities I would frequently pick up our little kids and lift them in the air so they were weightless, then catch them, having done it from near infancy so it was something they really enjoyed. Or I would spin around and around while holding them in my arms then sit on a couch or chair and hold their eyes closed for a few seconds after and ask them if they thought they were still spinning. Then I would let them open their eyes so they could adjust and see that even though they thought they were still going around they were actually not. Sometimes this would lead to tickling (which not every child likes) or jumping on the couch or bed or some other thing they liked to do. Piggy-back rides around the house or outside usually work well. Another, seemingly dumb thing, I do that kids that age like is to lightly pound on their backs while they are saying, "Ahhhh" like singing and holding on a single note, so it comes out in a vibrating sound.
So far as showing affection when it doesn't seem to come naturally, I would suggest practicing it. As I said, I learned a lot from Jane by watching how and when she would show affection--hugs when she came in the home after being gone awhile, squeezes occasionally during some one-on-one time, glowing compliments on the pictures they drew, telling them that she loved them when they were having a particularly enjoyable time together, and bedtime routines that included telling them she loved them. The more I tried to find appropriate moments to show affection the better I became at it. I think it helped me that Jane would share her genuine love for the kids to me which made me examine my own feelings for them. Did I really love them that much? Was I as charmed with their antics as she was? Could I be better at developing a deeper interest and admiration for them? I wasn't raised with a lot of overt affection. Compliments were few and far between. So while I enjoyed children, I didn't always show that, and sometimes, when I was honest with myself, I realized that I was fairly indifferent about them. They were part of my life, and I appreciated them, but nothing to get excited about, they were just kids. Seeing them through Jane's eyes opened up some wonderful perspectives and helped me see them for who they are: beautiful, creative, tender spirits who blessed my life and our home. As those perspectives grew it became easier to respond to them in loving ways.
Hope there was something in my thoughts that is helpful. Parenting is a never-ending challenge, but worth whatever it takes to succeed.
Bruce
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