Discussing "Different" Parenting Views?

The Question:

Hi, Jane. 

I'm just wondering how you handled having "different" parenting views than those around you.  Family size, discipline, preschool, babies...  I think I'm a pretty tuned-in parent, but I have been more mainstream in some respects.  But as I read your blog, and a couple others, it opens my eyes, and I want to change.  And it all feels so right.  And I get excited, tell my husband, begin implementing.  And then I go to Enrichment (or Activities whatever it's called now).  Anyway, everyone there agrees that there is "a world of difference between kids who go to preschool and those who don't."  And all the areas could be hit, I think.  Do you just keep your mouth shut?  The thing is, I think I had my views before because that is what people around me talk about, that is what the books say, what the Dr. says.  I think it's helpful to let people know that there are other parenting methods, just as a courtesy, not to judge or boss, but because they are probably only hearing about mainstream parenting.  At least I wish people would have brought it up with me.  But mostly, then I start to really question it again.  Should I put my son in preschool?  Ha ha.  I just went to Enrichment tonight and it was an item of topic.  How do you keep from getting wishy-washy?

Thank you,
Erin

The Answer:

 

Dear Erin,

 

What a good question--a good way of putting it.  It's made me think about my early days of adopting this way of parenting. As I've mentioned, I was a "natural consequences" mother.  When I read about this and gained a vision of it, I was excited to share it with my friends.  But, honestly, I was met mostly with skepticism.  People felt that it seemed permissive and inconsistent.  They felt that children wouldn't know where they stood if there were not swift, steady consequences for bad behavior.  I wasn't sure either.  It was a new idea.  I think this type of parenting requires a leap of faith because, on the surface, there are not immediate results.   But, for me, I sensed a difference right away.  I was no longer the enemy, but the advocate--and that position felt more comfortable. 

 

My children who have been raised this way from the beginning are now young adults and teen-agers and they are pretty impressive people.  So impressive, in fact, that I am often asked for advice on parenting from people who know them.  I know that they are the way they are, largely because of this form of discipline.  As promised in the book, they each have a strong conscience and they each have a warm relationship with us as their parents.  We have almost no conflict in our home.  In spite of that, many of the very people who ask my advice and see the results, really can't imagine that it could work.  It's just very hard for them to relinquish that position of force. 

 

 You are just where I was 20 years ago--deciding to paddle against the current of the philosophies of the day.   You're bound to meet with skepticism or even opposition.    But today, I am completely secure in this because I'm completely converted.  No one could persuade me to do otherwise.   It feels good to come to a place in your motherhood, where you are more tuned in to your own children than to the voices all around you.  And that can happen relatively quickly as you begin to experience the benefits of this type of parenting.

 

Many of the comments on this blog have addressed the topic of judging one another.   While condemning is never a good thing, we do have the task of looking around and sifting through the many claims and philosophies that swirl around us and deciding what is really right for us--and that involves making judgments.  In that process, many camps develop--"Love and Logic" camps, "Baby Whisperer" camps, "Natural Consequences" camps, advocates of preschools, mothers with opinions about when to start solid foods, potty training, kindergarten...I don't have to tell you this, right?  Just prayerfully make your decisions and move forward with them.  Let the debates carry on...because trust me, they always will.  And they're good in a way.  They just represent mothers trying to be good mothers. 

 

The truth is, the more secure you are in your beliefs, the less defensive you will become.  And as you focus on living it instead of explaining it, you will receive greater peace and clarity in the process.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

3 1/2 Year Old Not Potty Training?

The Question:

My son Adam is 3 1/2 years old.  He has had a speech delay and has only been communicating well for about three or four months.  I have made a few feeble attempts at potty training him including one where he was given treats every time he used the toilet.  He was willing to participate but took no initiative at all.  After a week or so I got tired of training myself to take him to the bathroom.  When we talk to him about using the toilet he says, "NO, change diapy!"  He doesn't really care.  What do I do?  He is already big for his age.  He looks like a five year old in a diaper.  It is embarrassing!

The Answer:

Although he's on the upper end of the age range for potty training, Adam is still normal.  It's hard to know exactly what his hesitation is.   Because I didn't really experience this problem, I don't really have an answer.  But I did a little google search "Potty Training Problems" and found a wealth of great ideas and information that apply perfectly.  I skimmed over them and I'm sure you'll feel encouraged as you read.  You're far from alone.  This site was especiallly helpful.

 

http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-readiness-checklist_4384.bc

 

Just one little caution.  Try not to be embarrassed.  It's an unproductive and divisive feeling,  Adam is really your only concern here--his success and well-being.  As a young mother, it's easy to let your children's performance reflect completely on you and because of his size, he's probably often faced with high expectations.   It's important that you stay on his side. 

 

Good luck.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

2 1/2 Year Old Wild Man?

The Question:

 

Mother Jane,

 

How great to have a mother to talk to! I have a little kid/little problem question. I am the mother of 5 young kids, 1 to 11 years. I thought I had babyness all figured out, then I had #4. The pregnancy was rotton, the sweet baby got up every hour, slept an hour, up an hour. He started getting sick at 2 months old and it has been one thing after another. For a while he would get better for 2 or three days, then sick again. He is the cutest little guy and so funny and we love each other so much. We kiss all day, but the little turkey is so smart, he can't stay out of trouble, he's got to be exploring ALL the time. 

 

Recently, he became intrigued by knives. I found him sitting in the corner of the counter staring at the serated butcher knife. As he was petting the chrome blade, he knew I was there behind him and said said, " Mom, I love this knife, I love this knife, mom." A few days earlier, my 5 year old came running to me and said, "Mom! Josh (name has been changed to protect the unaccountable), is playing with the matches!" I go in the living room and he has dumped an entire box of matches of the floor and like 15 have been lit! What 2 year old knows how to strike a match! I don't even know how he got them, we have removed all chairs from the kitchen and they were on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard! Just after he went into nursery, I went to pick him up and I noticed three kids bleeding from face wounds. I asked what happened and told me Josh had "gotten them". I told the Primary President they had to call me to nursery so I could protect the other children or he couldn't go anymore. 

 

This started just after #5 came home. They are only 15 months apart. The curiosity thing I can deal with. It's the hitting, scratching and pulling hair I am tired of. It has been intensly going on for a full year now. I have tried everything 100 times and he just doesn't care enough about the rewards/punishments/consequences to stop. I don't go to play group at the park because I don't want the other moms to cry when I pull up, I can't ask anyone to watch him because I'm afraid he'll hurt their kids. We have tried physically restrictive time-outs, "When you hurt us, you can't be with us" separation time outs, spanked him back, let the kids hit him back, pretended to cry because we were so sad, ignored it etc etc etc. Poor #5, he's the sweetest little boy, just one year old and he is either getting loved to death by Josh or wailed on by Josh. Please fix us. I'll even let you take him for a little while if you need to, ha ha ha........

 

Love,

 

Josh's Tired Mom

 

The Answer:

Dear Mother of "Josh",

 

Your letter reminded me so much of my good friend Cindy.  She had three little angelic girls--just unbelievably perfect.  I was raising my rough and tumble boys and I really felt that Cindy was a better mother than I was.  I tried to copy her methods but, try as I might, my boys wouldn't just sit in a circle on the floor and quietly play or color.  Then along came daughter #4--her version of Josh--the wildest girl I'd ever seen.  She was cross, sickly, defiant and full of mischief.  I'll have to be honest--I felt much better after that.  And I learned a lesson.  Some children are, for whatever reason, much more difficult than others.  I think the Lord uses them to humble us.  They take us out of the comfortable routines of our lives and demand that we constantly employ new strategies.  It probably doesn't seem funny to you, but I just laughed right out loud at "Mom, I love this knife.  I love this knife, Mom".  My friend told me about her nephew who was "Josh-like".  His parents tried to explain to him that Heavenly Father wanted him to be good, and Satan wanted him to be bad.  He said, "But I love Satan."  Of course, the parents thought their son was possessed...but he's actually turning out well.  Sometimes those tough children grow out of it fairly quickly--and other times, they're pretty challenging all the way along.  But almost always, they turn out to be extraordinary people, if their parents don't panic and crush them with harshness.  If "Josh" were my boy, I would:

 

1)  Pray.  I would pray for insight into his mind and for an increased ability to care for him.  I would pray that we could connect with eachother and learn from eachother.  I would just tell the Lord my feelings and struggles and ask for his help continually.

 

2)  I would keep him under close watch.  It's hard when you've had some relatively easy children, to shift into a more vigilant mode.  But that's what you'll need to do.  Assign family members to help out and teach them how to work with him...especially this year.

 

3)  No surprise, I'd continue to shower him with love and reassurance.  He was bumped out of the nest pretty early.  He's still not much more than a baby really.  It sounds like you're already doing this.  But really try to connect many times a day.  Look right into his eyes and make sure he feels all of your warmth and love.  When he's in this mode of constantly being corralled or reprimanded, he can start to feel like he's "out of your circle" and that the baby is in.  Little children who are as busy and curious and high-maintenance as he is, get used to receiving stern looks and glares from everyone--nursery leaders, family members, your friends--even strangers.  Those looks tell him that he's bad and unloved.  You can teach his siblings to smile at him often and look at him with love.

 

4)  Be in a mode of continual teaching.  Try not to let things escalate to where he's injuring someone or destroying something and has to be disciplined.  I'm with you that I wouldn't drop him off at the nursery or at the home of a friend right now.   It's too easy for him to develop negative habits and patterns.  He's a full-time job for a while.  Teach him appropriate behavior.  We often tell children "no" without being really clear about what we want them to do instead.  Have him practice little good behaviors like sharing, touching people's faces softly and gently, coming right when you call and then reward him.  Praise even the tiniest success.

 

Mainly, you are in a mode of protecting him and others until he has a chance to mature.  I've seen dozens of children who seemed hopelessly out of control at two, become really nice five year olds.  You're a seasoned mother with a great sense of humor.  You'll be successful.  You'll be telling that knife story with a chuckle when he graduates from college.  Keep that vision.  Pray hard.

 

With Love,

 

Jane 

How Do I Help My 15-Month-Old Sleep In Her Crib?

We're posting a question today, and a Letter from Jane on Monday.  She just wanted a little more time to construct this letter about babies and bonding...it's going to be good.  (no pressure though, mom:)  -Natalie

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I really felt like I had it all together before my daughter came. I thought I would be firm, and that she would sleep in her own bed, and that I would schedule her feedings. Then she came, and she just didn't want that stuff. And it just didn't feel like a good idea anymore. She had acid reflux (we didn't realize it for a couple months) and hated sleeping in her bassinet from day 1. So I let her sleep with me. I fed on demand. I tried to "attachment parent." And it's been amazing, really. She is so, so happy and secure, and just a delight. The only problem is bedtime.

I have read SO many sleep books, and almost all of them advocate some form of crying it out, saying I'm doing her a disservice by not making her soothe herself to sleep. And maybe I am. She is 15 months old, and I still nurse her to sleep. She really hates her crib. She cries and screams, and I'm convinced she feels abandoned. I've tried rocking her to sleep and laying her down after. She wakes up most of the time, or just doesn't sleep very long. I am tired. She wakes up a few times a night still to nurse. I feel like it's doable, though.

I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like I need to get my little girl's sleeping under control. At the same time, I don't want to damage my relationship with my sweet baby that I am totally in love with! Oh, I love her. I just want to make sure I'm not hurting her sleep long-term. Oh, I wish I could see how everything would turn out! In my head, it seems as if her feeling attached, nurtured, and secure is the most important thing. But will she be an insomniac? These are the questions that plague me.:)

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

It seems like bedtime/naptime struggles are some of the most common problems for young mothers. I know that trends have really changed over the years, but for me this whole process was fairly simple. I'll put it out there for your consideration.

I nursed each of my children for the first year. At that point, my doctor assured me that cow's milk was fine for them, so I gradually got them to take a bottle. (None of them took bottles while I was nursing them.) At around one year old, I would put my babies to bed every night and down for their naps, with a warm bottle. Once they were converted, they loved their bottles, so they always went to bed easily. I never gave them bottles except when they were going to bed--so a warm bottle and bed was a happy, positive thing. I also never gave juice bottles (too hard on teeth.)

Because I've received so many questions like yours, I decided to ask some of my other “old experienced mother” friends and they agreed—that’s what they did too. In the past few years, it seems that this method has fallen out of favor. I’m just not sure why. Most of my friends agree that their children had few cavities. One friend was more vigilant about brushing and none of her five children who took bottles have ever had a single cavity. Only one of my children had braces so I don't think it's an orthodontic issue. Maybe there is a study I'm not aware of that discourages the practice, but all I know is that it took a lot of the stress out of bedtime. And everybody seems to have turned out pretty well so far.

When they were three or so, I would take them off of the bottle so I could potty train--also very easy at that late age, and move them into a toddler bed so they could get up at night to go the bathroom. This transition was typically pretty painless. So, there you have it—the “old-fashioned, no fail, everybody’s happy” way to put children to sleep.

Let me also assure you that what you are doing now--nursing your baby to sleep and responding to her cries--will not turn her into an insomniac or damage her sleep patterns for life. You sound like a wonderful, nurturing mother but your baby has had an excellent start and it's time for you to get some sleep!

All my love,

Jane

How Do I Keep An Eternal Perspective?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am writing this to you as I sit in a locked bed room at the very end of my rope. Despite the irrational feelings of despair at the moment, the question I am about to ask you is tireless and something I wonder about even when I am myself.

How do you keep an eternal perspective and stay cheerful even when you feel like you are being horribly let down by your family? Whether it be housework, picking up after oneself, bickering, and just plain old “helping out.” I cannot expect my family to be perfect but I find that a lot of times I fall into the “little red hen” syndrome in that I tow the line 90% of the time. Then I feel used, under appreciated, the only one that cares and on and on. It is a self pity party that I cannot even stand. I never did like martyrs so when I feel like one it is not a good place to be.

Oh, we have done all the usual natural consequences, chore chart, reward system, etc. etc. When they work they work well, and when they don’t they don’t. It is ebb and flow for sure. But on a day to day basis I get tired of reminding, nagging, asking nicely, and just plain pushing to get the little things done. I have great kids. I feel lucky. I have a great husband. I feel like I won the lottery most days when I think of my family. The days of joy outweigh the days of woe.

I know the problem is mine and my perspective. So, how do I stay cheerful when I have to remind? How do I stay cheerful when they are fighting? How do I stay cheerful when I am let down? How do I put this all into perspective and stay cheerful while I choose my battles and not take everything soooooooooooo personally???? How do I just plain let go and enjoy these years in all of their imperfection?

Anonymous

The Answer:

I know. This is really hard work. Sometimes, just knowing that, helps. I don't play video games but I understand levels and that each level demands new skills, and usually a person dies several times before they master a level. But they just keep at it and gradually become proficient. So it is with motherhood. Each child, each stage brings new challenges and there's no magic trick. You just stay with it. You keep teaching children to work, teaching them how to treat one another, and keep expecting good things of them.

But you are wise to recognize one of the great keys to joy--an eternal perspective. And I'm not just talking about the life after this one, I mean the whole thing--5, 10, 50 years from now as well as in the world to come. It's the ability to see "afar off" as Peter puts it--to lift your eyes above the chaos of everyday life and see that you are creating something meaningful and lasting. When you make a chore chart and really stick with it, it's more than just a way to keep the house clean. It's teaching children skills, responsibility and order. When you patiently work with your children (again and again) to resolve conflicts with each other, you are teaching them to be good spouses and parents. Without this perspective, you might get the feeling that you're not getting anywhere. Your efforts are so slow and tedious and "undone" that they are almost invisible to the untrained eye. A long range view involves faith and hope. It is envisioning results that haven't happened yet--like imagining eating an ear of fresh corn while your down in the dirt planting.

But it isn't all about long-range perspective or focusing on some future joy. Peace and happiness are possible in the "planting" season. You just have to recognize it for what it is--a season of growth for all of you. Enjoy it. You're children will never be these ages again. You won't be able to cuddle up with them, gather them around you and read, clean the whole house together. I had 11 children. I now have years and years ahead of me to knit in my quiet house if I want to. You will too. But try to fully enjoy this journey. I absolutely love looking at the blogs of my readers. Blogging seems to focus a mother's mind on the here and now--the immediate fleeting moments of life. They are about searching for and capturing the profound in the ordinary.

So say a prayer for strength, unlock the door and step up to this challenge. This is hard but doable and you'll want to have done it well. At my stage, my children express gratitude almost every day for the childhood I gave them--and it was all pretty ordinary. But I kind of miss the days when it was a thankless job because it was truly selfless service---a kind I'll never be able to give again.

All my love,

Jane

Brushing Teeth?

The Question:

So I have a 20 month old daughter. For the longest time brushing her teeth was a breeze-even fun almost. I'd give her a toothbrush with toddler toothpaste and she'd suck it all off (of course) and then I'd go in with my own tooth-pasted toothbrush and actually do some brushing. Lately though, she'll want both toothbrushes to suck on, and clamps down refusing to let me anywhere near her teeth. I know it's really important to brush her teeth, but I can't seem to get her to understand that and let me help. I've tried singing songs and getting her to say 'ahh' but every time the toothbrush comes near her mouth, it shuts. I get so angry that today I actually had to walk away and make my husband do it. Help?!?

-Emily

The Answer:

Dear Emily,

Tooth brushing is not my very best area. I am in awe of parents who are faithful and whose children have no cavities. I've tried to follow a good bedtime routine. My very best success came when I hung a little chart in the bathroom with our night time routine on it. The children would move their magnetic little animal up the chart as they accomplished each of their bedtime tasks: get a drink, go to the bathroom, brush teeth, read a story, say prayers, stay in bed. If they did it all for five nights in a row, they would get a prize. Maybe that would work for you. The "brush teeth" part would just be part of the routine.

I was at the home of a large family the other night. The whole family was watching TV and, one by one, the little children would lay down on the floor while their mom brushed their teeth (using children's tooth paste). She just sat down with her legs straddled and they would just lay there in turn while she had a great view of their mouth (dentist style) and brushed. Wow. So great. The kids seemed fine with the whole process--just watching TV!

Usually these little rebellions are short-lived if you gently push through them and avoid power struggles. I try to help my children feel in control of the situation. "You decide how much tooth paste. You tell me when we can start. You put up your finger if it hurts." Maybe it's something real, like a little sore gum or a canker sore.

Hopefully one of these suggestions will help, and I look forward to the other ideas our readers will share.

Much love,

Jane

Nap Time?

The Question:
Hi Jane!

I am a stay at home mother with three young children (7,4, & 2). I have a question! We are transitioning our 2 year old son to sleeping in a toddler bed. As with our other children, the change at night has not been difficult. There are all those wonderful bed time cues, not to mention the darkness, to make it clear that this is bedtime. When it comes to nap time, however, it has always been a struggle to make the change with each of our kids when they were the right age. Instead of napping our son gets out of bed and wanders around the room getting in to things. There aren't toys in the room, just the beds and dressers, so there isn't much exciting to distract him, but still he wanders and plays instead of sleeping.

Of course, when he napped in the crib he would often play happily for a while before sleeping also, but he did sleep within a reasonable amount of time. Now he is putting off sleep for so long that I become uncertain whether to move him back into his crib for his nap (but that might teach him to play every day until the 'real' nap time arrived) or just ride it out even though some days that means a skipped nap.

He has always been a really easy going kid, and he does not usually fight sleeping (unlike some other children I've had!). He is a sweet boy, such a joy to be raising. I just need some ideas of how to help him adjust to nap time in a toddler bed.

Do you have any ideas or advice for how I might teach him that nap time is for sleeping, even when he is in a bed that he can get out of?

Thank you!
Becca

The Answer:

Dear Becca,

Good question! I think the thing that makes nap time tricky, is that as children grow older, their sleep needs change. They seem to be in a good routine and then one day, they just won't go to sleep. The two suggestions I have for you are 1) go ahead and put him in his crib for nap time. He'll learn that it's this bed for naps and this bed for nighttime. 2) put some books and quiet toys in with him and let him play (as you have been) til he falls asleep. But if, after 45 minutes or so, he hasn't fallen asleep, then he really isn't tired. Just plan on an earlier bedtime.

It sounds like he's a wonderful little boy and you're a great mother. I love how you're really tuned in to him and care about his feelings. I think parents run into the biggest sleep problems when they force children to cater to their routine instead of figuring out what works best for their child's changing needs.

With Love,

Jane

Should I Be Worried?

The Questions:

Hi Jane,

I just found your blog and am so glad I did. I have an AA in Child Development and have found your answers so satisfying on what I believe is the right way in child rearing. So despite all this I still worry constantly about my child (it's always so much different when it's your own). My 2 1/2 year old I've noticed is such a follower. When we go to the park he just watches the other kids and then does what they do. Once when camping my friends little guy wandered into some bushes and my son followed. The problem with that was that my son isn't as advanced as other kids his age. He didn't walk till he was 18 months and doesn't get around as well as his peers. So when he follows others he often gets himself into precarious situations. So I know that some kids learn by watching others but my main concern is how do I help him become more independent. I'm worried that if he stays a follower that it could lead him to trouble when he's a teenager and bad choices are around.

My second concern is that he idolizes another mom (my best friend to be exact) and although I love her a lot, I feel jealous when my two year old goes to her for more juice or for whatever help he needs. And she's very helping so maybe he just sees her as a helper I don't know. Even in his prayers he'll sometimes forget to say thank you for momma but he rarely needs prompting to say thank you for the other mom. Perhaps it's because she is his best friends mom. I have 2 classes that I'm taking this semester and I really just want to be home with my son and my baby (he's 9 mo). Is this behavior happening b/c he doesn't feel that I'm there to help him? I'm just really confused and could use some encouragement and ideas.

Thanks so much and keep up the great blog!!

Sincerely,
Anonymous

The Answers:

Dear Anonymous,

In the situations you've described, I want to put your mind at ease. Your son is very normal and will outgrow both tendencies. Just keep a close eye on him while he's two and three so he doesn't wander off. But he will gradually assert more and more of his own independence as he grows. Maybe he's just very social!

In the case of his seeming preference for your friend, that's ok too. I've come to value every person who plays a positive role in my children's lives and to enjoy their special relationships. Your son has probably figured out that your friend caters to his needs more than you do (like a grandma). But over the long haul, you are his anchor. Especially, during this hectic time in your own life, be grateful for the extra ring of support.

Hopefully you'll be home full-time soon as you'd like.

With Love,

Jane

Financial Concerns and Family Planning?

Hello! This is Natalie. Just a few small items of business:
First, Thanks so much for visiting! My mom and I have been gushing to each other all weekend about the comments you've left, the nice things you've written on your blogs, and just the number of people who have taken an interest in this site. It really makes us happy, so thanks!
Second, We have a whole slew of questions/answers to post, so we will be posting all of them today.
And Finally, we will probably start posting "Letters From Jane" about once a week. We're thinking question/answers on Mondays, Letters on Fridays...but we'll just see how it goes.

Now on to more important matters...

The Question:

My question is about finances. At the present time we only have two children and I am wanting very badly to have a third (all 2 years apart). However, the economy being what it is, my husband's company has no plans for up-grading (he is a pilot) in any near future. He took college classes as long as he could, but now this summer we are facing THE STUDENT LOANS. It cost a lot to be a pilot and the looming debt feels like it is about to crush us. Usually pilots are only first officers at a regional airline for a couple years but we are well into year 3 and like I said, he still has 800 people above him before he can become a captain.

We bought a duplex two years ago since we knew things would be tight (the loan officer actually said, "Well, you'll make more money eventually, right?" haha). I don't mind living here - it is small but not as small as it could be - but even with that, we barely make ends meet. If it weren't for tax return season, we'd be sunk. I often feel torn about doing something like child care to earn extra money, but I feel like my hands are full as it is - then add another child of our own (which I want so badly)...

What is the balance between faith and using your own judgment? When he makes captain it will double our income and that is just in the first year so I don't want to limit our family when I know things will get better... Some day. What were some of your experiences in this area as you added children to your life? And what are some of your tips for budgeting/money managing? Do you have any recipes or food ideas you would share that have helped stretch your dollar?

Thanks as always,

Rachael

The Answer:

Dear Rachael,

This, I'm sure, is going to sound very irresponsible, but we never considered finances when having our family. It just didn't factor in. We paid for our first couple of children with student loans! For some, we had great insurance, for others, we scrimped by. When we had four children, we went back to school for a PhD and lived in a basement apartment for a while (and had another baby). We had an agenda--having a family--and we just moved ahead with it. Things always worked out. We've taken criticism for this over the years, but I think that when you're sure of yourself, when you really know what you want, and when you have a sense of purpose about your life from an eternal perspective, you can weather all the obstacles.

Little children don't really know when things are tight. Their needs are so simple and their satisfaction so easy to achieve. By the time we were making a good living and bought our first home, we had five children. We've gone on with financial ups and downs over the years. When we've had the money, we've taken some wonderful vacations, when we haven't, we've gone camping. The money end of things has always been my husband's worry. Mine was creating happiness out of whatever we had.

We often shopped at thrift stores and garage sales. It's a fun family activity and my daughters have become geniuses at finding wonderful things for almost nothing.

I cook from scratch. Over the years, I've developed a system of grocery shopping that saves a great deal. I keep a stock of all the basics which I replenish when they go on sale. So the only things I usually buy weekly, are dairy and fruits & vegetables that are in season (and therefore cheaper). And if one of my staples-- for example sugar or chicken breasts-- is on sale, I stock up. When I make out a weekly menu, it only includes dairy products, fresh produce and a few random items like tortillas or hamburger buns. So I'm always paying the minimum for everything and I'm accumulating a good, usable food storage at the same time.

I keep a three ring binder with my family-tested recipes on full pages, by category in page protectors. That way, I never have to go hunting for that pancake or french bread recipe. It encourages me to cook inexpensively. Those are some of my practical ideas.

Of course, everyone must consider their own situation and chart their own course. But this is my story. And I want to assure you that if you want a child and are feeling the urge to have one, you can. I wish you all the best in this important decision.

All my love,

Jane

Two-Year-Old Bully?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I have a friend, Sue, who has a 2 year old that is rather spoiled. Sue is a very sweet and soft spoken person. She sometimes lets people walk all over her because of how non-confrontational she is. This is the case with her daughter, Kate. Sue gives Kate WAY too many warnings- I am of the Super Nanny school of thought, where you give one warning, and then an immediate consequence. (I.E. "If you do that again, I'm going to put you in a time out" and then follow through!) I've seen Sue tell Kate to do something, and warn that if she doesn't listen, then she'll have to go straight down for her nap... Kate doesn't listen, Sue gives MORE chances, and then when Sue picks up Kate to put her in bed, Kate immediately says, "I'm sorry" and Sue gives her that extra chance. So Kate has learned that she doesn't have to listen to her mom until she starts to take action. This has taught Kate that she can get away with a lot, because most of the time, her mom has zero follow through.

Here's how it affects us. Kate pinched my baby repeatedly when we were in the car together a few months ago. My son was crying really hard, but I was driving and thought he just didn't want to be in his car seat. As we were getting Kate out of the car, she admitted that she pinched him, but I didn't realize how bad it was. When I saw my son's arm in the dim light of the car, I told Sue he really had red marks, and Sue didn't really say much to Kate. (It really bugged me that that was all that happened, but I am not Kate's mom, and I can't tell Sue how to parent.) Then I got home into the light, and I burst into tears. My baby's arm had many red welts that later bruised. It looked awful. I myself am rather non-confrontational, and I didn't know how to approach the situation with Sue, because the time to punish Kate had already come and gone. Looking back, I should have asked Sue to see what was wrong while we were driving, but I just had no idea at the time, and months later, I still feel awful for it.

So I said nothing more, and my husband and I vowed to just always keep an eye out for our baby when we are around Sue and her family. Which we do, but now the problem is, I am terrified of Kate, and don't really want to spend ANY time with Sue, who I was really close with before this happened. What Kate did to my baby really creeps me out, because she had no problem repeatedly hurting my crying baby for 30 minutes. I understand that 2 year olds sometimes will hit, scratch, bite, pinch, etc... if they are provoked (if a toy is taken, if they are upset and don't get their way...) but I have NEVER met a kid who is content to hurt a baby who is clearly crying out in pain for 30 minutes. I know that Kate has also really hurt another baby in the past as well. It scares me that Kate has such aggression toward babies, and since my baby now crawls, it is harder for me to protect him from Kate as easily.

What can we do?? We love our friends, but I fear that we might lose the friendship, because I really want nothing to do with Kate. I'm sure at some point she will grow out of this, but for now it terrifies me to be around her, because I almost think there is something wrong with her. My mom thinks Kate should be evaluated. I know this seems like an exaggeration, but her behavior reminds me a lot of Maculay Culkin's character in the movie The Good Son. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Son_(film) (There's the link if you're not familiar with it.) But basically, he is a twisted kid, who feels no remorse for his actions. (I.e. When Kate announced that she pinched my baby it was said very matter of factly. Like saying the sky is blue.)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. This incident happened months ago, and I have tried to just get over it, but I am having a really hard time doing it. Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Love,
Anonymous


The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

Your letter captures so well the protective feelings of a mother. I think we've all been there! I've always thought I'd rather be injured, ridiculed, offended or snubbed a hundred times over than to endure the misery of watching my children go through those things. It's our commission, after all, to keep each of them safe from harm.I have evolved as a mother in many ways--but on this very issue, I may have experienced the greatest evolution. Before I preach a sermon, I will say that I think your first instinct--to keep the friendship intact and be vigilant about your son--is right on the money.

I'm sad to report that the experience you described is going to repeat itself a hundred times and in a hundred different ways over the course of your life as a mother. You'll watch your children suffer injustices large and small. Someone will bite them in the nursery. There will be bullies. Your child will be the only one not invited. Friends will turn on them and break their hearts. The hard part is knowing when to step in and how. I will tell you something that comes from the benefit of years and years of experience. Looking back, you will always be glad when you did the generous, unselfish, forgiving thing--when you took the high road, when you were able to consider not just your child, but the injuring party as well. There are several reasons for this.

1. It's Christ-like. If there was one thing the Savior set an example of, it was forgiveness. And he expects that of us as well--70 times 7. If we can be patient and forgiving with people even in spite of that "mother tiger" instinct we have to protect our children, then we experience true growth as a person. Outrage is replaced with peace and confidence as we formulate a plan that emulates the Savior.

2. We teach our children the greatest lessons of their lives. Now I know that your little baby isn't watching your example. But very soon, he will be. He will learn in church and at your knee about patience and forgiveness, but nothing will compare to the lessons you will teach him when he comes to you with a real hurt. We have a funny family story. My brother, Scott, when he was young, came in and told my mother that some older boys had taken his toy guns. My mother was mad at those bullies and said, angrily, "You go out there and you tell them that if they don't give you your guns right now, your mother is going to come out there and... (you get the idea) So Scott started out the door, but returned after only a few moments. "How about if I say "Could I please have my guns back?" He soon returned with the guns. It isn't always that simple. But aren't we here on earth to learn to "bless them that curse you" "do good to them that despitefully use you"? Our children won't be any better at that than we are. Now is the time to develop patterns of kindness.

3. I love a quote by Emma McKay, "A true mother is a mother to all children everywhere." I admit honestly that I have failed to be motherly to all children everywhere, but that quote reminds me to try. You might be able to play a positive role in Kate's life by working with her patiently and trying to connect with her. She's really just an irrational 2-year-old who may not be as malicious as you think. Your friend is probably frustrated and would appreciate your help and support. Try not to judge her. Just be a good friend.

I realize this answer is much more long-range than you bargained for. And it certainly flies in the face of our present "look out for number one" culture. You may fear raising a family of "door-mats" if you take my advice. But you won't. Your children will be more tender and outwardly focused. They will learn to resolve differences more intelligently. And this stance is consistent with the loving approach that you are using to teach them everything else in life.

Of course, being forgiving does not necessitate fostering toxic, damaging relationships. As our children grow older, we can help them to surround themselves with good, uplifting people as their closest friends while treating others with kindness and respect.

With love,
Jane

Screaming 4-Year-Old?

The Question:

Hi Jane!!

Thank you so much for this great website. I feel like this method is what I have been looking for because constant time-outs are not working anymore. Anyways, my 4 year old daughter is starting to drive me and my husband nuts!!! She cries and screams about EVERYTHING!! If we say"no" about anything she throws a huge tantrum. The hard part is when we are out in public or with family or friends and we tell her "no" she starts screaming and yelling and I just don't know how to handle the situation. We have started losing our patience with her and it has made us angrier and in turn she gets angry back and yells, slams doors, etc. How do I turn this around before it's too late? I don't want her to act like this and I fear that a lot of it is because we have lost patience.

Thanks again for any advice! Really appreciate it!

Kelly

The Answer:

Dear Kelly,

Sometimes being a mother is so much like being a doctor. You see symptoms and you aren't sure if they're a sign of something serious or whether it's some small minor virus that will pass in a few days. Such is the case with your screaming child. Is she just going through a phase? Is she deep down discouraged? Or is she finding that screaming gets results? Since we can't be sure, let's cover all the bases.

Make sure that you are connecting with her in positivie ways throughout the day. Really pour it on. She's getting big now, so it isn't as natural to pick her up and cuddle her. But she still needs lots of affirmation and physical affection. You didn't mention other children--but four year olds can feel especially "put out to pasture" when the cute baby or two year old is always stealing the show. You can make up for that by developing a new and special friendship. Treat her, in subtle ways, like a peer--sharing little secrets, doing "grown up" things together and then overtly telling her much you enjoy your time with her. Lots of warmth and reassurance about her place with you.

Never reward screaming. Ignore it. Walk away. At the very most, say, "I'm sorry. I can't understand you. When you're ready to talk to me, I'll listen." Even when others are watching, just calmly say this or ignore her all together. Or if she's truly causing a disturbance, take her to the car and read a book in the front seat while she screams. When she finds that she gets absolutely nowhere by screaming--no reward, no attention (negative or positive), no bribe or blackmail or negotiating, no power at all, she will stop. It may take a few days.

The combination of these two stategies should really help. At some quiet, close moment, you can talk to her about screaming. "Remember earlier today, when you didn't get another cookie and you screamed?" Teach her that babies scream because they can't talk. But people just talk. Teach her very specifically what to do when you tell her 'no'. Practice together--each taking the part of parent and child.

Any time that you see her doing it right (handling "no" correctly) stop everything and praise her. "Wow! That was so great! I know that you really wanted that toy but you didn't scream even a little bit!" etc., etc. All the attention and reward shifts to the positive behavior.

When you know what you're going to do, you don't have to get ruffled or emabarrassed. Just carry out your plan and when she calms down, smile, give a hug and say, "I'm glad you're happy now. Remember...we never scream."

Good luck!

With love,

Jane

How Do I Breathe?

The Questions:
Dear Jane,

My name is Natalie. It is 1040pm and I can't sleep as I reflect on my day with a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and I am 20 days away from giving birth to our 3rd child. We struggled with infertility for 6 years and after 6 long years of waiting came a precious little girl by way of adoption, Whitney. Shortly after her birth we found out we were pregnant with our first biological child, Michael, who turns 1 this month. Having been told by my OBGYN that I still had about a 3% chance of getting pregnant after Michael, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child to be born this month. Whew!, I'm exhausted. I still totally and completely feel like a first time mom and when other moms with 3 children get together, I still feel like the "greenie" in the bunch to say the least.

A friend recommended your website and I read it with admiration for all the great advice, with wonder at what other moms are going through and with awe at the patience that everyone has for their children (or maybe it just sounds like that in writing.)

I have 3 questions for you along with a little background on each...

1. Like I said, it's 1040pm...I feel like this is the first time I have sighed a relief all day...as both my kids are asleep, my husband is asleep and the baby is kicking away. I feel like I hold my breath in anticipation all day. My shoulders hurt from the stress and I don't feel relaxed at all. I'm sure my children can feel the stress, but I just don't know how to relieve it. My 2 yr old (i have been told) needs to be put in Montessori school for discipline. Apparently in nursery, she can't drink out of a cup and is more rambunctious than the others. I can attest to her energy as I feel it at home all day long. I just don't know what to say to others as I am clueless as to how to hone all this energy myself. She is a fireball. I am on my toes all day long, rarely sit (really!) and cannot prevent enough accidents and problems. For example...I have NOTHING below the 5 ft mark in my house, she can open sliding doors (those now have dowels in them that she knows how to remove), all bathrooms have 2 locks on them, everything is kid proofed 2x's, I can put ingredients for cookies on the counter and I turn away to help child #2 (still in the kitchen) or to go to the bathroom with the door open and she'll reach the butter, smear it all over the bookshelf and books, have it all over herself in less than a minute. We have no chairs out, we use folding chairs and put them in a closet after every meal even before getting her down from the table. I fear leaving the house and even have anxiety going over to other people's houses when I know their child isn't as "crazy" as mine or their house isn't child proofed. I only go to stores where they can both be strapped into the seat (mainly Costco and the grocery store with the double seats.) People comment all the time about what a crazy child I have and it's not like I sit at home and teach her to bounce off the walls. I RARELY give her sugar anything and cringe when other people do. It is SO stressful to not be able to turn my back for a second. I feel like this relays to my 1 yr old. He has just learned to walk and almost keep up with her and he gets so excited to follow her and get into whatever she is into. He is a lot more low-key but is a little "follower"...if she is doing it, he'll attempt it, but he would prob. not do the same thing on his own. I am at a loss of how to "control" or hone her energy. People ask if I do playdoh or crayons or activities with her at home and I would love to but the mess and the struggle I have with her is not worth the energy and exhaustion and the mess. She is very strong willed and has learned from somewhere (because this behavior isn't taught or displayed by my husband or I) to kick, hit, scream, throw herself on the ground, etc...I don't know how to stop it. We use time outs and an occasional spanking with her for bad behavior. Because she is so energetic, strong willed and a go-go-go child...I do A LOT of one-on-one quiet activities with her like reading books, singing songs, learning the alphabet and numbers, teaching her whispering games, etc. My husband and I are pretty active but not loud or crazy, so I know that a lot of this is nature not nuture. Oh, what to do, I am at a loss? Bottom line for this question is...how do I take a breath during the day? How do I get to the end of my day without feeling like giving up? In hindsight EVERYDAY, I think, I should have been more patient, I should have tried this...but quite frankly, with a husband that has a job that is very demanding, I feel like a single parent and that I am doing the very best I can. As I am writing how crazy this is, I realize I am holding my breath...does it ever get easier?

2. With so many parents around knowing that I am a new parent with my hands very full, I often get caught in their trap when they comment on my rambunctious kids. I love my kids and as much energy as they have, I am EXTREMELY grateful for them, thank God every day for his blessings to us and I just cannot imagine not having them in my life. But when friends or neighbors or ward members see us chasing our kids around like chickens with our heads cut off and comment about our crazy existence, we often find ourselves caught up in the explanation and I often feel bad when leaving that I did not support or talk more positively about my children. For example, someone after sacrament meeting seeing BOTH OF US chase them around in the hall for the FULL HOUR...will say, how are you every going to do it with 3 this close? What are you going to do with that Whitney? or What are you guys thinking having kids this close? Birth control? or most of the time it's usually a negative comment about Whitney. Instead of not commenting or brushing it off...my reply usually starts off with a sigh as I corral one of my kids or am battling them on my hip, etc. I just wish I left people with an impression that this was easier, or that I enjoyed it more...or that they didn't encourage the sigh or the craziness they see at the start of a conversation about how hard my life is, it only exacerbates the chaos. Hmmm...this is a tough one for me. How do I show the very best side of me and my children and let people know that I really did sign up for this (maybe not all at once but HF is the only one with that control) and let them walk away not thinking that I am not cut out for this or don't want this?

3. My husband was in the construction industry before the economy went south. He had a great job and we were doing well. He lost 2 management jobs last year due to the economy and because of this stress, we made the decision after some thought/prayer to change his career path. He is now in management at a financial institution, a very different direction than we had hoped and probably not where we want to stay long term. That said, to make ends meet he commutes 2 hours a day (1 hr 1 way) and works ON AVERAGE 10 hr days. Most days he leaves around 6am and doesn't get home until 7pm. He goes to school on Saturdays all day and some weekday evenings. Our main family time is on Sundays or when I keep the kids up late to see him during the work week. I really struggle with not complaining (esp around my kids even though they might not understand) and maybe the pregnancy makes it extra worse, but I feel like a "single parent." I often have the thought in the back of my head, "is this what I signed up for?" I really am having a hard time with no breaks, expressing my love all the time with my kids and being patient and always being on my "best mom behavior." I feel like with no down time at all (i only get a shower if I get up when my husband is getting ready at 5am and take one because the kids are not on the same nap schedule as hard as I try) I have many a sleepless nights wondering how to be a better mom when I feel so depleted and quite frankly at this young age where they don't really express gratitude a whole lot...very under appreciated. I know, I know...woe is me. I always said in the 6 yrs we were childless that I would never take being a parent for granted and I would always love my children and have the utmost patience with them and I would look at mom's yelling at their kids in the grocery store and say...never, no never would I do that. And then just a month ago...big and pregnant, in one of those race car grocery carts, Whitney grabs the 18 ct eggs from the cart in front (which is so hard to reach, btw) and she just starts chucking the eggs across the aisle, at people, at food on the shelves...she got to all the eggs before I could reach her and manage to grab them away from her. I have never seen a bigger display, struggle or mess in a grocery store EVER. And my I lost my temper...yep, in front of everyone. And that wasn't the worst of it...the worst part was trying to get someone to help me, as I wrangled a terrible two temper tantrum on a sticky gooey messy, egg-y kid and try to calm my other crying child who had been pelted with eggs from his car seat. Whew...once again...I find myself holding my breath as I write this.

Well, now that you've read this BOOK...I wonder what advice you have for a crazy, losing her mind mom of almost 3. I do realize that things seem worse with pregnancy hormones. But quite frankly, I rarely leave the house with these 2 and I hyperventilate wondering how I will EVER leave the house with 3! I told my parents since the ripe old babysitting age of 12 that I always wanted to have 10-12 kids...my aunt and uncle in Utah when we were growing up had 8 and I thought it was the funnest, most amazing family ever and I always wanted to be just like them. Now, on my 3rd, I wonder how I will go on to 4...how do mom's do this? Is it my personality that can't handle this many? Is it just so much change at once that it's brought me to needing to seek psychiatric help? Is it the lack of support from my husband right now in his career and life? I don't know. All I know is that my dreams of having a big family are quickly being dashed and I look forward to a day when my children will be able to appreciate all we are going through to get them here and hope that they won't be traumatized from the quickness of having them all at once and so close together. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I am on my knees quite often asking these questions to my HF...but thought I'd ask you too for I love the encouraging responses from other writers/readers.

I'm hoping there are other moms out there like me, surely I can't be all alone...I know our story is unusual but not unimaginable. People often compare our situation to triplets and I can't help but thinking that that would be easier...weird I know...but at least they are all on the same page at the same time...or at least I think they would be. Is the grass always greener on the other side? My book is done. I will leave these questions to your great minds to answer or ponder. Thanks for your time.

Holding my Breath,

Natalie

The Answer:

Dear Natalie,

Before we talk about your life--which is extremely difficult right now--I want to tell you that I so appreciate your honesty and humility and your desire to be a good mother. You have a pure heart and I wish I could offer you what you really need--an assistant!

Your life is extremely challenging. You have a number of factors that make is so. I read through your letter several times and gave it a lot of thought and here's what I think. Yes, three children under 3 are challenging. An absent husband makes is doubly difficult. Financial worries add greatly to the stress. But I believe you could manage all of that if you could resolve your core problem--your 2 year old daughter. Her behavior causes you almost constant anxiety and embarrassment. Two-year-olds are known for their spunk and mischief but your daughter really seems to be taking it to a new level.

She is the person I'd like to focus on first, because I feel that if she becomes manageable, you will be able to ride out the rough year ahead. I'm wondering why she is so out of control. While you've given many good examples of her negative behavior, I'm not sure what is at the root of it. Was she a difficult baby? What are your feelings toward her? Does she connect at all or accept limits? Does she receive affection from you? I've thought a lot about what I would do in your position and this is what I think. I'd have her completely evaluated. Maybe she has some difficulties or problems that need attention. Discuss your concerns with a doctor that you trust and find out what he recommends. She was adopted and may have issues--genetic or in utero that need to be addressed.

Maybe you will find that she is just a very normal active 2 year old. If that's the case, then I would put my energy into forming a stronger connection with her and setting some simple, clear limits. It sounds like you've set up an environment (for your survival) that doesn't require her to control herself. You can help her to have tiny successes with self-control. Help her to feel competent and responsible even in small ways. Teach her continually. Teach her carefully how to drink from a cup, how to walk in a store, what things she may touch. Shower her with praise and physical affection. Don't just do things with her--build a bond of love. This process may seem exhausting, but it isn't half as exhausting as what you're dealing with now. You're spending all of your energy putting out her fires. Turn it around so you are in control and you're helping her to succeed.

She obviously needs great supervision. And this is not going to be an easy year for you. I've had a few of those "extreme years". But time passes. Your daughter will mature. Your husband will finish school and things will ease up. This is a year (or two) for hunkering down and giving your best. Your husband (and you) will find out what your made of. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. Let them think what they will and stop letting that add to your stress. This is your life, your family. True, it isn't the calm, unruffled life you had two years ago. It isn't the tidy car and house. It's much more meaningful than that--and therefore, much more difficult. Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.

Now, from a practical standpoint-- recognizing that you are in a state of emergency (a year-long state of emergency) you need to do everything you can to equip yourself to weather it well.

List everything that is hard about your life and brainstorm with your husband and pray together to find solutions.

Discuss each child and develop some positive plans.

Discuss ways to become as organized and stream-lined as possible.

Figure out how you're going to get out once a week by yourself, how you can have time together, what you can do for each other that brings real comfort and relaxation.

Find some outside support. Do you have any family members that can come in regularly to help you for a while? Don't be afraid to ask church members or friends. You won't always need support but for the next little while, I think you really do.

It helps to realize that this "extreme time" will pass. This isn't forever. It's a year or two. I think of the early pioneers who signed up for a long, arduous trek so they could wind up in the middle of nowhere and build something out of nothing. They signed up for two or three very difficult years in the hopes that they were accomplishing something great and worthwhile. They were! And so are you. You can do this, so believe that you can. Each of your small efforts are moving you forward. That great family that you knew in Utah and wanted for yourself-- didn't become "fun and amazing" overnight. That family developed over years and years and was the result of endless teaching and enormous sacrifice by a father and a mother.

I know from experience that the Lord will make you equal to your life. I very much want your success.

With Love,

Jane

Family Planning?

The Question:

I'll be celebrating my 29th birthday in a few weeks, and my new husband and I (married almost 6 months) are starting to plan for a family. We have both always wanted a large family, but I feel slightly discouraged that I may not be able to have that many kids, considering that my "fertile and safe" years may be slightly numbered as I exit my twenties. My question for you is, what is your opinion on family planning (more, rather than less) for someone who has around ten years to have kids? Am I even accurate in thinking that I have about ten years? I've just always heard that one's risk for birth defects and complications are much higher after forty. I've also heard that it is "unsafe" for a woman's body to space children less than 18 months apart. How would you approach the goal of bringing children to earth if you were in my situation and stage of life?

No matter what, I am simply eternally grateful to Heavenly Father that he guided my husband and me to be able to find each other. The twenties can be so lonely and discouraging when hoping for an eventual companion. Even if we have one child, however that happens, I will be that much more grateful to have the opportunity of being a mother.

-Anonymous

The Answer:

Your question is a good one--and it gives me the chance to answer a few other questions I've received regarding family planning. "How do I know it's time to have a baby?" "How did you plan your family?"

My husband and I made the decision when we were married to let the children come. Even way back then, it wasn't the norm and we took some criticism as we pursued this rather "wreckless" course. But this was the church guideline at the time:

"We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by."

This, I think, is the guideline now:

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many chldren to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

The first directive is a lot more "directive" and it's easy to see--in a world-wide church, why the counsel was modified over the years. Now the decision is entirely between a couple and the Lord. I truly respect every couple's right to make that choice. I don't try to impose my decision on anyone--even my own married children. The decision is enormous and is yours to make.

But I will share with you my thoughts and feelings and the reasons for my decisions.
For me, the core doctrine that inspired both of the above statements, is very clear. We have a purpose on the earth--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. My choice to bring a baby into my home insures that this little spirit will be nurtured, loved and taught--that they will each receive every ordinance they need. But more than that, they will begin a new generation that is solid and committed. Each child will stand at the head of their own generation and I have the privilege to prepare them for that.

In that first statement above, I really appreciate the last line--that those who limit their families "will reap disappointment by and by". Disappointment is the perfect word. Not punishment or condemnation--just disappointment at what we might have had, and chose not to. These are the thoughts that have motivated my choice to have all the children that I can.

In the process and through the years, I have been richly blessed for that decision. I have seen each child as a direct gift and blessing from God--not as an accident. I've approached the Lord with confidence for help with my children and I've been blessed with ideas, resources and even miracles. Raising a family "unto the Lord" has made me feel a very strong and deep connection to him and a sense of purpose and mission that gives meaning to my everyday life.

I didn't come at it super qualified. I was the youngest in a very spread out family--so I had little experience with babies or homemaking. But I was willing--and if you think about it, a "willing heart" has always been the Lord's only requirement. I just gave myself over to the process fully. Today, I can hardly read the scripture "He who loses his life shall find it" without feeling like it was written just for me. In layers and layers of ways, I have found joy and fulfillment as a person. I could fill a book with stories and examples of tiny and huge experiences with my children. And it's truly been a wonderful venture and partnership with my husband. Our children are our joy!

The church's current statement on the subject is your ultimate guideline and it's perfect. It allows for people to consider their abilities and situation. It allows for couples to make unified decisions and respects their agency. Dalin Oakes gave an excellent talk a few years ago on the subject. He said, "How many children should you have?....All you can." And that number, for many reasons, is different for everyone.

If I were turning 29 and had some years ahead, I would fill them up with children. But that's me. It will be exciting for you to discover what the Lord has in store for you.

With Love,

Jane

Dealing with Loneliness?

The Question:

Thank you for your blog. I just discovered it yesterday and it was so wonderful to read. It gave some solid ideas of ways to deal with my kids and things to think about as I drifted off to sleep about being a mom. I have 5 children, ages 15 - 4. My husband travels quite a bit and so I am used to being on my own in terms of parenting. I enjoy reading to my kids and being the one to always be there when they need me.

My question is this - How do you deal with loneliness?

I am not close with my own family or my husbands. Our ward that we live in has so many wonderful people, but as my bishop states - it's a great ward for acquaintances, not good friendships. I don't want to go into details, because I will not whine. We live in a nice area and there are so many good people here. I wish I had a friend that had kids my own kids ages and that we could depend on each other. I always do my callings, try to serve when I see a need arise, volunteer at my kids school, try to listen more than talk, etc. But I guess one of my trials in this life is to deal with loneliness. My husband is wonderful and I love to talk to him. He is my best friend, but sometimes it would be nice to share experiences with someone who is of my own gender. My good friends from school days live far away. Heavenly Father has heard many prayers on the subject and he always sends comfort and peace. I hear and see so many families and friends enjoying themselves and their relationship and I feel envious of that closeness.

Thank you for faith and testimony. I love all your references to the scriptures and our Savior. I think that all our struggles can be answered through prayers and scriptures. I just haven't found the answer that brings me peace to this problem. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

Is anything harder than loneliness? I think we've all experienced it. We move to a new place. We are tied down with little children. Maybe we're naturally shy. Or as you mentioned, we aren't blessed with a warm circle of extended family. Whatever the reason, it's a difficult trial. And many, many people struggle with it. A friend I've known for years and go to church with every Sunday confided one day that she feels very lonely and isolated--like she is on the outside. I was truly surprised. She seemed to have lots of friends--but in her day to day life, she felt alone.

Another friend of mine taught me a serious lesson a few years ago. She moved into our ward and I'll tell you now that it's a wonderful ward but not the easiest one to break into. It seems like everyone is related to someone--families that extend in every direction. People don't move often so they have longstanding relationships. So my friend didn't wait around for people to reach out to her. She organized a play group, got a book club going, invited people over, called around and invited a bunch of families to meet at the park on a summer day--(just bring a lunch and come.) It was last minute but I was shocked at the turnout. It showed me that a lot of people were really needing to connect--and maybe just waiting for someone to invite them. And I was amazed that my friend took matters into her own hands and made sure that her own social needs were met--while blessing many others in the process.

One time I taught a lesson on an interesting way to write a personal history. Several people wanted to learn more so I offered to host a monthly class. We would meet at my house, have a potluck lunch and share samples of our writing with eachother. Imagine my shock when over 30 people showed up! I really don't believe that all those people wanted to write a history. No way. They wanted to connect! I believe this is the single greatest insight I can give you. You are not the only person who feels lonely. The majority of people around you struggle with this to some degree and no one will ever be offended by an invitation (unless, of course, it involves multi-level marketing).

This may be painful, but you're going to need to become proactive. Sign up for enrichment classes. Let it be known that you're looking for a scrapbooking friend or a walking partner or someone to help you paint a room. Invite a couple to go out with you and your husband or call some moms and meet at McDonald's for lunch. Think about something you'd be really comfortable instigating-- then do it! My friend Marvel went through a painful divorce and moved to a new place after 20 years of comfortable relationships. When I visited her a few short months later, I was surprised to find that she already loved her new ward. She explained that on her first Sunday there, she signed up for every possible thing--mid-week classes, taking in meals, cleaning the church--all with the goal of making friends. It worked.

My personal favorite thing to do is to invite two or three families over on a Friday night. I tell them to each bring a game and a snack. It's never awkward because it's a good size group and doing it almost always leads to natural friendships. I do it fairly often.

Also, be open to "unlikely" friendships. Some of my closest friends are 20 years younger than I am. My running partner couldn't be more different than I am. On the surface, we have very little common ground--but walking or running together every day, we've discovered all sorts of similarities and have learned a lot from eachother. Now that I think of it, some of my closest friends through the years have been exercise partners. That hour a day really makes for some serious bonding.

In a few years, your children will become excellent friends--they're my favorites ever. One of the great benefits of loving and respecting them while they're growing up, is that they don't have anything against you when they're grown! You have some purely good friendships.

Don't pray for friends--pray for ideas and then act on them. The Lord wants our hearts to be knit together and he will provide ways for that to happen.

With love,

Jane

Frustrating Preschooler?

The Question:

Hello Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog by pure inspiration, truly! I have been reading it for the last 45 minutes and I already feel like I have learned a lot! Thank you! I do have a question though that I still feel unanswered after reading the section about disciplining with love. I am a "newer" mom. My oldest daughter is 3 1/2 and I also have a 1 1/2 year old son. Lately my daughter has been acting much like the woman who posted about her 7 year old (post title "Fostering Obedience"). I like what you answered but I still wonder how can I do unto someone as I would want done myself when they are 3 and don't comprehend what I am trying to teach? Where is the line where I stop cleaning her room for her because time after time, she lets me do it without helping and unless there is a fight, and doesn't seem to learn or appreciate what I am doing?

Here is an example, today she wanted some juice. I clearly told her, you may have 1 cup of juice, and if you are still thirsty you may have water after that. After she drinks her juice, she asks for more juice. She knows I will say no, but asks regardless. I tell her to, and offer her water. To no avail, she started crying. I got down on her level and explained what I told her already and to please make a good choice and just say "ok mommy." Instead, she just repeats "But I just want one more cup of juice! I dont want water!" she cried and cried so hard that she got to the point where she gets beyond any point where I can even reason with her, and I end up having to just send her to her room until she is done crying. Most of the time she just cries herself to sleep, repeating over and over "But I just wanted more juice!"

I believe in being firm and consistent, which is why I don't tolerate this behavior, but I feel like she just isn't learning. I always go in after and tell her I love her and ask if she understands why she was in her room, and we talk about it. I rarely raise my voice, and she still acts out like this. Lots of times, the fight will start all over again, because she won't agree or say she understands and just pleads her case again that she just wanted more juice!, and by the way, this is a new thing, which is why I am so beside myself on what to do. This week has been awful, and she has cried for hours each day over little things that we are usually able to work through together. Usually, she is a good listener and doesn't throw tantrums, etc.

So, back to the golden rule. As a 3 year old, how do I teach her how I would want to be treated when we are at such different levels of life understanding? Where is the line of loving or being a pushover and giving them whatever they want? Whatever I am doing, it does not seem to be working, as every day this week has been crying tantrums, and time outs, toys taken away, all after lovingly giving her chance after chance to make a better choice? Help with a 3 year old mind please!!!

Leslie


The Answer: Relax and Enjoy

Dear Leslie,

I appreciated your letter. Your daughter sounds like a very strong-willed and determined child. That type of determination can really blossom into greatness later on. I've raised a wide assortment of personality types and I have the wonderful advantage of having seen how the determined three year old turns out. They are a challenge to raise, but they know how to get things done!

Try hard to avoid all-out power struggles. They are destructive to your relationship and no one really wins. The word "avoid" is at the heart of the issue. Some parents almost welcome the power struggle and bring it on as a way of establishing their authority. They view parenting kind of like breaking a horse--"Once they know who's boss, they'll submit." Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I believe children who are forced to submit, store up anger and often in their teen-age years it comes out in the form of rebellion. On the other hand, you don't tiptoe around your children trying not to rock the boat. You carefully choose the areas where you must put your foot down and then do it clearly. It sounds like you’ve been a very clear and consistent parent. But what happens when, even though a power struggle is the last thing you want, things always seems to escalate that way? I have some thoughts.

As you know, I've raised (and am still raising) a big family. I sometimes think the thing that made it easier, is that I didn't have the luxury of micro-managing my children. Their life was fairly loose. I don't remember even caring how much juice they drank. They were around five before I expected them to clean a whole room. They liked doing jobs because I didn't demand much. Later, as their attention span lengthened and their maturity increased, it was easy to teach them. Most of my interaction with them in the early years was positive and I made relatively few demands. Because there wasn't much to "push back" against, there weren't many tantrums. When there were, it was usually because they were tired or hungry or just "needy" for my attention.

I read once about an Amish community where parents just enjoy their little children and let them play outside and give them few responsibilities until they are school-age. Then they teach them chores and expect them to contribute. I like that. It gives me permission to do what I want to do--enjoy my children. I especially love 3-year-olds. I love to listen to the ingenious way that they put words together. It's so fun to teach them new things. I love how they light up. Just relax and know that her life will be loaded with 75 years of worry and responsibility, and so for the first three or four, you can let her thrive in an environment of love and acceptance. Just lower your expectations a little bit and know that maturity will solve a myriad of problems.

Let me share a personal example that illustrates my philosophy. Several years ago, my then 3-year-old daughter Marielle and I were invited to participate in a play group. We rotated houses. The host mom would provide a snack and the children were allowed to play—largely unbothered by us-- while the moms talked. I loved this play group! Marielle loved it too. No one even talked about rules. We solved the occasional conflict—but, overall, things were pleasant and nurturing (for both or us!) We loved Wednesday mornings. So I was excited a few years later when my little son Peter and I were invited to participate in another play group. This one turned out to be very different. There were craft projects, snack time, learning time and rules aplenty. Soon Peter decided it wasn’t for him. He didn’t misbehave there. But it seemed stressful for all the moms—worrying about their children’s performance and behavior every minute. It was an entirely different experience. No joy for either of us.

Peter’s in second grade and a great student who never struggles with structure. He likes it now.

In a broader sense, this describes my philosophy about early childhood. The focus is not so much on rules and structure as on gentle teaching, nurturing and enjoying. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of preschool—but that topic is for another day.

I can tell that you’re an excellent mom. I give you permission to just be mediocre (just kidding). But just slow down and enjoy her. Your days together are numbered.

All my love,
Jane