Children Who Help Keep Things Clean?

The Question:

Okay, Jane. 

You have dazzled me with your wisdom and parenting expertise so far, so I come to you with a conundrum of epic proportions.  Are you ready?  Here it is....
How do I get my children (9, 7, 6, 4) to pick up after themselves so that I don't continue living my life as the resident maid for the next 20 years?  It's not that I don't try to get them involved in cleaning--they do have chores to do, and normally do them well (when rewards are attached). BUT the fact that they can step over the same pile of junk 150 TIMES without batting an eye at it is starting to spin this relatively sane mother into a frustrated, overwhelmed ranter who loses it just a bit more often than she'd like to admit.

Suggestions?
Jonesy

The Answer:

Dear Jonesy,

 

Oh for a simple answer to this question.  I think it's a battle that never ends while children are in the house.  I discovered that I had a level--beneath which I could no longer function.  In other words, I had a level of chaos that I could accept.  But when we dipped below that level, things ground to a halt.  So I feel your pain and I'll share just a couple of ideas.

 

I established a morning routine with the goal that by 10:00 or so, our house was clean.  Like your family, everyone had jobs to do.  During the school year, those jobs were done before school.  The key to making this happen is you.  You have to be up and moving through the house keeping everyone on task.  Beds should be made, laundry sorted, rooms cleaned and other jobs done.  This daily "putting the house in order" shows children how to do it and what the finished product should look like.  If they get used to disarray--days of seeing everything in disorder--they will accept that environment. 

 

Maintaining a clean house is another matter.  It is a never-ending process to teach children to pick up after themselves.  You have to be very engaged while they are young teaching them to put away one activity before they begin another one--teaching them to clean up after themselves as they go.  It isn't natural for them.  I've noticed that some very fastidious mothers tend to have children with that same characteristic.  I don't think it's genetic.  I think it's learned.  The children simply learn that nothing can be left out ever.  As for me, I'm not great at it myself so I don't really expect it from m kids.  As I mentioned, I can live with a certain level of chaos for a few hours.  I can spread a school project all over the living room, cook in the kitchen and let the toddlers have a free for all for a while.  But I can't let things go like that all day or for days on end.  When the project is finished, I rally the troops and we all clean up the whole house.  We might do it a couple of times a day.  "OK, everybody stop.  We're going to clean the  house before lunch...before Dad gets home...just before bed."  By clean, I don't mean Saturday deep clean--just put everything in its place.  When my children were young, we'd often move from room to room cleaning together--me barking orders while the kids ran to put things away.  I used a timer or some other little gimmick.  Now we can each take a room or two and have the house picked up in about 10 minutes.

 

What doesn't work is this.  Mom watches tv or blogs or reads and keeps saying, "You kids get that room cleaned up...Isn't that room clean yet?...What's going on in there?"  Mom has to be engaged in the process to ensure quality control and to teach organization.  Mom establishes the level of order and continually enforces it.  She provides a place for everything.  She doesn't fill her children's lives with mountains of things to take care of.  She keeps it simple.  She limits the number of shirts and shoes and toys her children have to deal with so that their lives are manageable and then she helps them manage.

When my son Peter was about four, I set up a little table for him near the computer.  I put a small desk organizer on it with just the right number of art supplies and put a shoe box on it for his finished works of art.  He loved that simple little place and I was amazed how orderly he kept it.  I think it was because I thought it through and made it manageable for him.  We can take the time as moms to think through the trouble areas in our kids lives and pare them down to simple and manageable.  Then model the tidy behavior we're after.  They really will accept our level.

 

I hope these ideas have been helpful.  I know you've heard this a hundred times, but the day will come--sooner than you think--when the house will stay clean all day.  Everything will stay right in it's place.  It will be way too quiet.  And you'll enjoy that for about a week before you start missing the flurry of activity and life that is a family.  Enjoy it now.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

3 1/2 Year Old Not Potty Training?

The Question:

My son Adam is 3 1/2 years old.  He has had a speech delay and has only been communicating well for about three or four months.  I have made a few feeble attempts at potty training him including one where he was given treats every time he used the toilet.  He was willing to participate but took no initiative at all.  After a week or so I got tired of training myself to take him to the bathroom.  When we talk to him about using the toilet he says, "NO, change diapy!"  He doesn't really care.  What do I do?  He is already big for his age.  He looks like a five year old in a diaper.  It is embarrassing!

The Answer:

Although he's on the upper end of the age range for potty training, Adam is still normal.  It's hard to know exactly what his hesitation is.   Because I didn't really experience this problem, I don't really have an answer.  But I did a little google search "Potty Training Problems" and found a wealth of great ideas and information that apply perfectly.  I skimmed over them and I'm sure you'll feel encouraged as you read.  You're far from alone.  This site was especiallly helpful.

 

http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-readiness-checklist_4384.bc

 

Just one little caution.  Try not to be embarrassed.  It's an unproductive and divisive feeling,  Adam is really your only concern here--his success and well-being.  As a young mother, it's easy to let your children's performance reflect completely on you and because of his size, he's probably often faced with high expectations.   It's important that you stay on his side. 

 

Good luck.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

How Do I Help My 15-Month-Old Sleep In Her Crib?

We're posting a question today, and a Letter from Jane on Monday.  She just wanted a little more time to construct this letter about babies and bonding...it's going to be good.  (no pressure though, mom:)  -Natalie

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I really felt like I had it all together before my daughter came. I thought I would be firm, and that she would sleep in her own bed, and that I would schedule her feedings. Then she came, and she just didn't want that stuff. And it just didn't feel like a good idea anymore. She had acid reflux (we didn't realize it for a couple months) and hated sleeping in her bassinet from day 1. So I let her sleep with me. I fed on demand. I tried to "attachment parent." And it's been amazing, really. She is so, so happy and secure, and just a delight. The only problem is bedtime.

I have read SO many sleep books, and almost all of them advocate some form of crying it out, saying I'm doing her a disservice by not making her soothe herself to sleep. And maybe I am. She is 15 months old, and I still nurse her to sleep. She really hates her crib. She cries and screams, and I'm convinced she feels abandoned. I've tried rocking her to sleep and laying her down after. She wakes up most of the time, or just doesn't sleep very long. I am tired. She wakes up a few times a night still to nurse. I feel like it's doable, though.

I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like I need to get my little girl's sleeping under control. At the same time, I don't want to damage my relationship with my sweet baby that I am totally in love with! Oh, I love her. I just want to make sure I'm not hurting her sleep long-term. Oh, I wish I could see how everything would turn out! In my head, it seems as if her feeling attached, nurtured, and secure is the most important thing. But will she be an insomniac? These are the questions that plague me.:)

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

It seems like bedtime/naptime struggles are some of the most common problems for young mothers. I know that trends have really changed over the years, but for me this whole process was fairly simple. I'll put it out there for your consideration.

I nursed each of my children for the first year. At that point, my doctor assured me that cow's milk was fine for them, so I gradually got them to take a bottle. (None of them took bottles while I was nursing them.) At around one year old, I would put my babies to bed every night and down for their naps, with a warm bottle. Once they were converted, they loved their bottles, so they always went to bed easily. I never gave them bottles except when they were going to bed--so a warm bottle and bed was a happy, positive thing. I also never gave juice bottles (too hard on teeth.)

Because I've received so many questions like yours, I decided to ask some of my other “old experienced mother” friends and they agreed—that’s what they did too. In the past few years, it seems that this method has fallen out of favor. I’m just not sure why. Most of my friends agree that their children had few cavities. One friend was more vigilant about brushing and none of her five children who took bottles have ever had a single cavity. Only one of my children had braces so I don't think it's an orthodontic issue. Maybe there is a study I'm not aware of that discourages the practice, but all I know is that it took a lot of the stress out of bedtime. And everybody seems to have turned out pretty well so far.

When they were three or so, I would take them off of the bottle so I could potty train--also very easy at that late age, and move them into a toddler bed so they could get up at night to go the bathroom. This transition was typically pretty painless. So, there you have it—the “old-fashioned, no fail, everybody’s happy” way to put children to sleep.

Let me also assure you that what you are doing now--nursing your baby to sleep and responding to her cries--will not turn her into an insomniac or damage her sleep patterns for life. You sound like a wonderful, nurturing mother but your baby has had an excellent start and it's time for you to get some sleep!

All my love,

Jane

Brushing Teeth?

The Question:

So I have a 20 month old daughter. For the longest time brushing her teeth was a breeze-even fun almost. I'd give her a toothbrush with toddler toothpaste and she'd suck it all off (of course) and then I'd go in with my own tooth-pasted toothbrush and actually do some brushing. Lately though, she'll want both toothbrushes to suck on, and clamps down refusing to let me anywhere near her teeth. I know it's really important to brush her teeth, but I can't seem to get her to understand that and let me help. I've tried singing songs and getting her to say 'ahh' but every time the toothbrush comes near her mouth, it shuts. I get so angry that today I actually had to walk away and make my husband do it. Help?!?

-Emily

The Answer:

Dear Emily,

Tooth brushing is not my very best area. I am in awe of parents who are faithful and whose children have no cavities. I've tried to follow a good bedtime routine. My very best success came when I hung a little chart in the bathroom with our night time routine on it. The children would move their magnetic little animal up the chart as they accomplished each of their bedtime tasks: get a drink, go to the bathroom, brush teeth, read a story, say prayers, stay in bed. If they did it all for five nights in a row, they would get a prize. Maybe that would work for you. The "brush teeth" part would just be part of the routine.

I was at the home of a large family the other night. The whole family was watching TV and, one by one, the little children would lay down on the floor while their mom brushed their teeth (using children's tooth paste). She just sat down with her legs straddled and they would just lay there in turn while she had a great view of their mouth (dentist style) and brushed. Wow. So great. The kids seemed fine with the whole process--just watching TV!

Usually these little rebellions are short-lived if you gently push through them and avoid power struggles. I try to help my children feel in control of the situation. "You decide how much tooth paste. You tell me when we can start. You put up your finger if it hurts." Maybe it's something real, like a little sore gum or a canker sore.

Hopefully one of these suggestions will help, and I look forward to the other ideas our readers will share.

Much love,

Jane

Nap Time?

The Question:
Hi Jane!

I am a stay at home mother with three young children (7,4, & 2). I have a question! We are transitioning our 2 year old son to sleeping in a toddler bed. As with our other children, the change at night has not been difficult. There are all those wonderful bed time cues, not to mention the darkness, to make it clear that this is bedtime. When it comes to nap time, however, it has always been a struggle to make the change with each of our kids when they were the right age. Instead of napping our son gets out of bed and wanders around the room getting in to things. There aren't toys in the room, just the beds and dressers, so there isn't much exciting to distract him, but still he wanders and plays instead of sleeping.

Of course, when he napped in the crib he would often play happily for a while before sleeping also, but he did sleep within a reasonable amount of time. Now he is putting off sleep for so long that I become uncertain whether to move him back into his crib for his nap (but that might teach him to play every day until the 'real' nap time arrived) or just ride it out even though some days that means a skipped nap.

He has always been a really easy going kid, and he does not usually fight sleeping (unlike some other children I've had!). He is a sweet boy, such a joy to be raising. I just need some ideas of how to help him adjust to nap time in a toddler bed.

Do you have any ideas or advice for how I might teach him that nap time is for sleeping, even when he is in a bed that he can get out of?

Thank you!
Becca

The Answer:

Dear Becca,

Good question! I think the thing that makes nap time tricky, is that as children grow older, their sleep needs change. They seem to be in a good routine and then one day, they just won't go to sleep. The two suggestions I have for you are 1) go ahead and put him in his crib for nap time. He'll learn that it's this bed for naps and this bed for nighttime. 2) put some books and quiet toys in with him and let him play (as you have been) til he falls asleep. But if, after 45 minutes or so, he hasn't fallen asleep, then he really isn't tired. Just plan on an earlier bedtime.

It sounds like he's a wonderful little boy and you're a great mother. I love how you're really tuned in to him and care about his feelings. I think parents run into the biggest sleep problems when they force children to cater to their routine instead of figuring out what works best for their child's changing needs.

With Love,

Jane

Dealing with Loneliness?

The Question:

Thank you for your blog. I just discovered it yesterday and it was so wonderful to read. It gave some solid ideas of ways to deal with my kids and things to think about as I drifted off to sleep about being a mom. I have 5 children, ages 15 - 4. My husband travels quite a bit and so I am used to being on my own in terms of parenting. I enjoy reading to my kids and being the one to always be there when they need me.

My question is this - How do you deal with loneliness?

I am not close with my own family or my husbands. Our ward that we live in has so many wonderful people, but as my bishop states - it's a great ward for acquaintances, not good friendships. I don't want to go into details, because I will not whine. We live in a nice area and there are so many good people here. I wish I had a friend that had kids my own kids ages and that we could depend on each other. I always do my callings, try to serve when I see a need arise, volunteer at my kids school, try to listen more than talk, etc. But I guess one of my trials in this life is to deal with loneliness. My husband is wonderful and I love to talk to him. He is my best friend, but sometimes it would be nice to share experiences with someone who is of my own gender. My good friends from school days live far away. Heavenly Father has heard many prayers on the subject and he always sends comfort and peace. I hear and see so many families and friends enjoying themselves and their relationship and I feel envious of that closeness.

Thank you for faith and testimony. I love all your references to the scriptures and our Savior. I think that all our struggles can be answered through prayers and scriptures. I just haven't found the answer that brings me peace to this problem. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

Is anything harder than loneliness? I think we've all experienced it. We move to a new place. We are tied down with little children. Maybe we're naturally shy. Or as you mentioned, we aren't blessed with a warm circle of extended family. Whatever the reason, it's a difficult trial. And many, many people struggle with it. A friend I've known for years and go to church with every Sunday confided one day that she feels very lonely and isolated--like she is on the outside. I was truly surprised. She seemed to have lots of friends--but in her day to day life, she felt alone.

Another friend of mine taught me a serious lesson a few years ago. She moved into our ward and I'll tell you now that it's a wonderful ward but not the easiest one to break into. It seems like everyone is related to someone--families that extend in every direction. People don't move often so they have longstanding relationships. So my friend didn't wait around for people to reach out to her. She organized a play group, got a book club going, invited people over, called around and invited a bunch of families to meet at the park on a summer day--(just bring a lunch and come.) It was last minute but I was shocked at the turnout. It showed me that a lot of people were really needing to connect--and maybe just waiting for someone to invite them. And I was amazed that my friend took matters into her own hands and made sure that her own social needs were met--while blessing many others in the process.

One time I taught a lesson on an interesting way to write a personal history. Several people wanted to learn more so I offered to host a monthly class. We would meet at my house, have a potluck lunch and share samples of our writing with eachother. Imagine my shock when over 30 people showed up! I really don't believe that all those people wanted to write a history. No way. They wanted to connect! I believe this is the single greatest insight I can give you. You are not the only person who feels lonely. The majority of people around you struggle with this to some degree and no one will ever be offended by an invitation (unless, of course, it involves multi-level marketing).

This may be painful, but you're going to need to become proactive. Sign up for enrichment classes. Let it be known that you're looking for a scrapbooking friend or a walking partner or someone to help you paint a room. Invite a couple to go out with you and your husband or call some moms and meet at McDonald's for lunch. Think about something you'd be really comfortable instigating-- then do it! My friend Marvel went through a painful divorce and moved to a new place after 20 years of comfortable relationships. When I visited her a few short months later, I was surprised to find that she already loved her new ward. She explained that on her first Sunday there, she signed up for every possible thing--mid-week classes, taking in meals, cleaning the church--all with the goal of making friends. It worked.

My personal favorite thing to do is to invite two or three families over on a Friday night. I tell them to each bring a game and a snack. It's never awkward because it's a good size group and doing it almost always leads to natural friendships. I do it fairly often.

Also, be open to "unlikely" friendships. Some of my closest friends are 20 years younger than I am. My running partner couldn't be more different than I am. On the surface, we have very little common ground--but walking or running together every day, we've discovered all sorts of similarities and have learned a lot from eachother. Now that I think of it, some of my closest friends through the years have been exercise partners. That hour a day really makes for some serious bonding.

In a few years, your children will become excellent friends--they're my favorites ever. One of the great benefits of loving and respecting them while they're growing up, is that they don't have anything against you when they're grown! You have some purely good friendships.

Don't pray for friends--pray for ideas and then act on them. The Lord wants our hearts to be knit together and he will provide ways for that to happen.

With love,

Jane

Just a bunch of practical advice

Dear Jane,

I have a few questions about the mechanics of family life, not so much the eternally important things. I hope you don't mind me asking those types of questions. I don't mean to waste your time, I just feel like you probably have some really good ideas about this stuff in addition to your marvelous testimony that shines through your blog posts. Love, Heidi

The Question:

Have you discovered any stain removal secrets you can share with some of us with less experience? Specifically, how do you get chocolate out of kids' clothing?!

The Answer:

I have a stain removal secret for you. After using “Shout”, if I find that a stain still hasn’t come out, I put it in “the pile”. When I have accumulated four or five items, I make the brew. I fill a sink about 1/3 full of hot water (not too hot to touch.) I then add about a half cup each of bleach and powdered dishwasher soap. It has to be powdered. If the clothing item is colored, I dip it in the bleach water again and again until the stain disappears. Usually, the color stays fast. Then I quickly rinse it and add it to my laundry. If the item is white, I just put it in the water and leave it for a few minutes. This concoction has worked miracles for me. It’s a last ditch effort because sometimes (rarely) it causes the colors to fade. I’m not sure the amounts are right. To tell you the truth, I just pour them in.

The Other Questions, followed by The Other Answers:

The following questions were posted by my cousin on our family website. As I was contemplating them, I wondered what Jane would say about each one:

1. Question 1...bedwetting:) Our son still wets the bed. He is 5 1/2 years old so I know that is not terribly old, but if there is anything I can do to expedite the process than I'd like to try:) My husband and I both stopped when we were two and three...Our other child too. Our son wears a pull-up at night. We've tried to have him not wear them and see if that helps him to make him more aware, but then I just end up washing sheets every day. Any suggestions?

I did have a couple of kids who were late bed-wetters. It wasn’t every night, but often. I tried to watch their liquid intake in the evening and I would wake them up before I went to bed and take them to the bathroom. This didn’t always work so I washed sheets. I remember having them help me change the sheets but I think it’s important not to shame them. It seems like a developmental thing because in time, it just went away. If your son seems emotionally healthy, I would just ride it out.

2. Question 2...Sacrament Mtg reverence:) While Sacrament Mtg in general is getting easier as the kids get older, we still struggle with this. With four little kids, sometimes I feel like we are the loudest family in the ward. Any ideas you've tried that have worked?

Ah, Sacrament Meeting. I used to sit down and apologize in advance to whoever was sitting behind us. It’s rough. But I learned one little thing by accident. One day, I forgot my well-equipped Sacrament Meeting bag. I was terrified. No crackers, books, pens and paper, toys, nothing. And to my surprise, it was our best Sacrament Meeting yet. It occurred to me that I might have been over-stimulating my children. After that, we had nothing at all until after the Sacrament. Then maybe just a small tablet and pencil. I encouraged them to draw pictures of things they were hearing in the talks. My husband and I had the deal that I always cared for the baby and he always held the next one up.

3. Question 3...Any fun family home evening ideas your families have done? I know there are tons, but anything that really stands out as a great idea?

I’d like to invite our readers to each share their favorite one ever.

I’ll tell you mine. This was somewhat elaborate and it wasn’t my original idea. I read it somewhere. Also, our children were a little older. We each wrote our testimony. Then, using a code, we carved them onto plates (We wrote gently with pen on foil covered cardboard pages). When we each had our page, we bound them together with rings and explained to our children that our collective testimonies were like the scriptures. That would have been great as it was, but we assigned our son, Eric to bury them somewhere in the yard-- which he did. During the week, he "appeared" to Kristen and told her where they were so she could dig them up and bring them back. She did and we used the code to translate each testimony. I don’t know about the kids, but I never forgot it!

4. Question 4...How do you handle your kids going over to other people's houses to play or spend the night? Now that the boys are in school, they have been invited to playdates at people's houses that I don't know. In the past their friends have mostly been people at church whom I know... I have never felt comfortable with sleepovers in particular either...any thoughts?

We didn’t do sleepovers. We were famous for “late-overs”. This was highly inconvenient, but we would let our children spend the evening and enjoy the fun and then at bedtime, we would come and get them. I got this from my older sister who had read some research that indicated that most sexual experimentation and crude discussion (between boys especially) happens at sleepovers. So as a protection, I have avoided them. On some special occasions (like a best friend’s birthday) if I really feel comfortable with the family, I make an exception. With so many children, sleepovers would have been very disruptive to our family.

For play dates, I think it’s important to meet the parents, have the child over first and teach your child how to call you if they ever feel uncomfortable.

5. Question 5...Chores How do you work chores/jobs? I am embarrassed to admit I haven't really done a structured way of doing chores up til now. They just kind of help me do jobs around the house as they are interested in doing them. But I think it's time a little more is expected. Do you rotate, have charts, have allowance?

We’ve done all of the above. Our main workday is Saturday. We spend all morning cleaning the house and I usually try to find a fun interesting way to do it.

We’ve earned beans for jobs and then had a little store at the end.

I made a board game (very simple out of construction paper) called Jackpot that had all the jobs on it. When you landed on a job, you had to do it and at the end, we all won the Jackpot (a bag of candy.)

I made a tape (does anyone have cassettes anymore?) on which I said each job that I wanted done. “Clean all the toilets” “Vacuum the living room”, etc. Each child would accomplish a job and then turn on the tape player to get the next one. When we got to the end of the tape, the house was clean.

I loved Saturday morning work. I love the feeling of mopping a floor while I hear the vacuum going downstairs and someone dusting the living room. I think we all loved that feeling. After the work, we tried to do something fun or just let everyone go and play.

For weekday chores, we’ve used a rotating chart at times, but honesty what has worked the best for me is to assign each family member a responsibility for a month or more. For example--clean your room and the bathroom every morning before school. They get good at their job and there is no confusion about expectations. Even a very young child can make their bed every morning and then set the table for dinner every night.

I know there is a lot of disagreement about giving kids allowance. I confess, I’m a dismal failure at it. We’ve tried it off and on and it just never lasts. But I do keep a list of “extra” jobs that I am willing to pay children to do—Vacuum the van, Organize the storage room, etc. So there are always chances to earn money.

Family Home Evening Success?

Th Question:

I am in desperate need of advise on how to handle family home evening with small children. I don't think we have ever had a peaceful home evening, there is always arguments over who gets to pick the song or the prayer, or someone is sitting to close...I could go on and on! I continue to have them because I know I should, and I know one day they will be better, but I find myself dreading it and I often end it feeling frustrated and sad. I want my boys to grow up remembering the time we spent as a family but I feel like they will only remember fighting and frustration!! Any advise on how to make this a more happy experience for us all?!

Love,
Destenee

The Answer:

Dear Destenee,

I remember so well this frustration. I actually remember bringing home little chairs from the church and setting them up in a circle so everyone could learn to sit still and listen without touching each other! It didn't work. But those terrible little boys are in Law School now and that awful little girl is Natalie--the miracle worker with four boys of her own. I tell you that by way of reassurance.

But since you need more than reassurance at a time like this, here are a few thoughts....

Change your definition of success. My goal when my children were young became to have just one or two great moments. They would all stop talking when I held up a picture and I would tell them one powerful thing. That was enough. Anything else was a nice bonus. I considered it successful if there was ever a moment when we were all laughing at the same time. That was bonding. This usually meant that I had to loosen up and enjoy the unexpected distraction. If I laughed, everyone was happy.

Use a Family Home Evening Chart where the responsibilities rotate. I know that very young children may not grasp the concept right a way., but over time, they'll catch on.

Keep the lesson short, have a fun game and good refreshments. What family can resist that? I recommend gearing the lessons to the youngest child. The new nursery manual has wonderful short lessons that are interesting enough for older children--and perfect for them to present themselves.

We've had some pretty incredible family home evenings as our children have gotten older. Once, when Kristen was a teenager and was giving the lesson, she had us all go around and tell which commandment we loved the most and why? We ended up going around three times. I don't think there is anything more gratifying than listening as your children echo back the things you thought they weren't hearing all those years.

But for a long while, it's a leap of faith. My favorite line in your letter was... " I continue to have them because I know I should, and I know one day they will be better." That's called faith. And I can promise you that all of your efforts will accumulate and bear fruit in time.

With much love,

Jane