Name Of The Talk?

The Question:

I was reading the post 'Family Planning' from March 10, 2010.  At the bottom of the post you quote Dallin H. Oaks and said that he gave a talk saying how many children should we have...as many as we can.  I would love to know the name of that talk.

The Answer:

Thanks for the question.  I didn't pull it up the article when I wrote my post, but this is the exact quote:  "How many children should a couple have? All they can care for!"

Here is an excerpt from the talk, given in General Conference in October of 1993:

Knowledge of the great plan of happiness also gives Latter-day Saints a distinctive attitude toward the bearing and nurturing of children.

In some times and places, children have been regarded as no more than laborers in a family economic enterprise or as insurers of support for their parents. Though repelled by these repressions, some persons in our day have no compunctions against similar attitudes that subordinate the welfare of a spirit child of God to the comfort or convenience of parents.

The Savior taught that we should not lay up treasures on earth but should lay up treasures in heaven (see Matt. 6:19–21). In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.

President Kimball said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (Ensign, May 1979, p. 6). When married couples postpone childbearing until after they have satisfied their material goals, the mere passage of time assures that they seriously reduce their potential to participate in furthering our Heavenly Father’s plan for all of his spirit children. Faithful Latter-day Saints cannot afford to look upon children as an interference with what the world calls “self-fulfillment.” Our covenants with God and the ultimate purpose of life are tied up in those little ones who reach for our time, our love, and our sacrifices.

How many children should a couple have? All they can care for! Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life. Children must be loved, nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capacities to be good parents themselves. Exercising faith in God’s promises to bless them when they are keeping his commandments, many LDS parents have large families. Others seek but are not blessed with children or with the number of children they desire. In a matter as intimate as this, we should not judge one another.

President Gordon B. Hinckley gave this inspired counsel to an audience of young Latter-day Saints:

“I like to think of the positive side of the equation, of the meaning and sanctity of life, of the purpose of this estate in our eternal journey, of the need for the experiences of mortal life under the great plan of God our Father, of the joy that is to be found only where there are children in the home, of the blessings that come of good posterity. When I think of these values and see them taught and observed, then I am willing to leave the question of numbers to the man and the woman and the Lord” (“If I Were You, What Would I Do?” Brigham Young University 1983–84 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1984, p. 11).

Read the full talk here.

I hope this is helpful!

Jane

Family Planning?

The Question:

I'll be celebrating my 29th birthday in a few weeks, and my new husband and I (married almost 6 months) are starting to plan for a family. We have both always wanted a large family, but I feel slightly discouraged that I may not be able to have that many kids, considering that my "fertile and safe" years may be slightly numbered as I exit my twenties. My question for you is, what is your opinion on family planning (more, rather than less) for someone who has around ten years to have kids? Am I even accurate in thinking that I have about ten years? I've just always heard that one's risk for birth defects and complications are much higher after forty. I've also heard that it is "unsafe" for a woman's body to space children less than 18 months apart. How would you approach the goal of bringing children to earth if you were in my situation and stage of life?

No matter what, I am simply eternally grateful to Heavenly Father that he guided my husband and me to be able to find each other. The twenties can be so lonely and discouraging when hoping for an eventual companion. Even if we have one child, however that happens, I will be that much more grateful to have the opportunity of being a mother.

-Anonymous

The Answer:

Your question is a good one--and it gives me the chance to answer a few other questions I've received regarding family planning. "How do I know it's time to have a baby?" "How did you plan your family?"

My husband and I made the decision when we were married to let the children come. Even way back then, it wasn't the norm and we took some criticism as we pursued this rather "wreckless" course. But this was the church guideline at the time:

"We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by."

This, I think, is the guideline now:

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many chldren to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

The first directive is a lot more "directive" and it's easy to see--in a world-wide church, why the counsel was modified over the years. Now the decision is entirely between a couple and the Lord. I truly respect every couple's right to make that choice. I don't try to impose my decision on anyone--even my own married children. The decision is enormous and is yours to make.

But I will share with you my thoughts and feelings and the reasons for my decisions.
For me, the core doctrine that inspired both of the above statements, is very clear. We have a purpose on the earth--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. My choice to bring a baby into my home insures that this little spirit will be nurtured, loved and taught--that they will each receive every ordinance they need. But more than that, they will begin a new generation that is solid and committed. Each child will stand at the head of their own generation and I have the privilege to prepare them for that.

In that first statement above, I really appreciate the last line--that those who limit their families "will reap disappointment by and by". Disappointment is the perfect word. Not punishment or condemnation--just disappointment at what we might have had, and chose not to. These are the thoughts that have motivated my choice to have all the children that I can.

In the process and through the years, I have been richly blessed for that decision. I have seen each child as a direct gift and blessing from God--not as an accident. I've approached the Lord with confidence for help with my children and I've been blessed with ideas, resources and even miracles. Raising a family "unto the Lord" has made me feel a very strong and deep connection to him and a sense of purpose and mission that gives meaning to my everyday life.

I didn't come at it super qualified. I was the youngest in a very spread out family--so I had little experience with babies or homemaking. But I was willing--and if you think about it, a "willing heart" has always been the Lord's only requirement. I just gave myself over to the process fully. Today, I can hardly read the scripture "He who loses his life shall find it" without feeling like it was written just for me. In layers and layers of ways, I have found joy and fulfillment as a person. I could fill a book with stories and examples of tiny and huge experiences with my children. And it's truly been a wonderful venture and partnership with my husband. Our children are our joy!

The church's current statement on the subject is your ultimate guideline and it's perfect. It allows for people to consider their abilities and situation. It allows for couples to make unified decisions and respects their agency. Dalin Oakes gave an excellent talk a few years ago on the subject. He said, "How many children should you have?....All you can." And that number, for many reasons, is different for everyone.

If I were turning 29 and had some years ahead, I would fill them up with children. But that's me. It will be exciting for you to discover what the Lord has in store for you.

With Love,

Jane

One On One Time?

The Question:
(Amazingly, I, Natalie, did not pose this question. But being in a strikingly similar situation myself, I'm so glad it was asked.)

Hi Jane-
Any advice on finding quality time with each of your children individually, away from the other kids? My active, attention-demanding boys are 4, 3, 2, and 8 months, all with needs and often at the same time. I barely find time to escape for a shower let alone a girls night out, and there is always at least one kiddo fighting for my lap if I am reading to another one. I'm not always able to bring in outside help and my husband does have a job, so I need to figure out tricks to make that individual time happen. Thoughts? -Anonymous

The Answer:

You are really a wonderful person. With four sons under five, you are surely stretched as far as you can stretch---but you're trying to figure out how to give more. Please don't worry. It probably isn't realistic or even necessary to be all alone regularly with each child or to take them on individual outings at this age. Your children feel your personal love in little snatches all through the day. It's true, they have to share you, but they each have their own relationship with you. You have a light in your eyes for each one. They are part of a secure little society.

Find consistant moments of connection. I always tried to hold my children when they first woke up in the morning-- or from their naps-- for as long as they wanted. Usually it was only a few minutes and then they were off and playing. There are occasionally those miraculous moments when only one is up. Read a story together or play with toys. I'll bet you're already doing that.

Even though you can't lavish each one with unlimited, individual attention-- you've given them something better--eachother! This may not always seem like a benefit to them now, but as the years go by, there is nothing to compare with brothers. And as the years go by, you'll actually have more time and flexibility, even if you have more children. I loved Christina's comment on "Feeling Overwhelmed". Read it if you haven't had the chance.

I've enjoyed a great deal of one-on-one time with my children as they've grown older--but I've rarely had special nights out with them. I just take one along with me when I go to the store. I turn off the radio and we talk. I buy them a candy bar or an ice cream cone. We play a game of Yahtzee or I read them a chapter a night from an exciting book. We go for a walk. It's all very natural and inexpensive and I love it as much as they do. Just last Saturday, I went with my 15 year old son Seth to his High School basketball game. He invited me. These good moments are in your future.

So just know that you are doing enough. Your children have you with them every minute of every day (and all night too.) Everything is unfolding as it should.

All my love,
Jane

Why The Big Family?

The Question:

I've been here with you this week. Your home is crammed with 24 people and I adore them all. This Christmas has truly been magical and I have felt so blessed to be a part of this family. There are so MANY people to love, who love me and love my kids. It feels like the ultimate support system for life, and I know it will only get bigger and better with time. You were not raised with so many siblings and I want to know what inspired you to have a big family. What motivated you to keep having children? Is it what you envisioned it would be?

The Answer: The Big Family--A Lost Institution

Maybe because I grew up with just one brother (my other siblings were already grown), I always wanted a large family. I liked the way it felt in homes full of children. Once we got over the hump of 3 or 4, it actually got much easier. And today, as I experience the "law of the harvest" I am so grateful that I stayed the course. My life is brimming with loved ones.

Just a generation ago, large families were the norm. Most people I meet who are 50 or older grew up in a family of at least six. And they loved it! They eagerly talk about the happy home of their childhood--sleeping out under the stars, piling in the car to go to the movies, sharing a bedroom. They finish by saying that they only have two children of their own. I wonder why that is. What turned the tide of the big family? Was it the feminist movement that assured us that there was much more to life than diapers and mopping? Or was it the changing standard of living that made us believe that things were more valuable than people? I think it was a simple, subtle shift in thinking that more money and fewer children would produce quality instead of quantity. And little by little, we came to believe that the way we grew up--six kids in three bedrooms with an unfinished basement--wasn't acceptable. I beg to differ.

All the things we want our children to be, just seem to happen naturally in a big family. They become undemanding and even grateful. They learn early to give and take. They ride together in the car and if one of their pant legs happen to touch one of their sibling's pant legs, it's okay. In fact they learn to lean on each other in every sense. Obviously, the budget is always stretched. Even so, everyone is excited about "another new baby". Doesn't it occur to them that now there'll be less to go around . . . "less for me"? No. Because without ever having to say it, we teach them that people will always be the best part of life. And this baby is a friend forever.

I haven't begun to mention the qualities fostered in a big family--self-motivation, creativity and resourcefulness for starters. Mom can't be everywhere and if you need something urgently, you'd better figure it out. (No wonder Benjamin Franklin (one of 17) invented the wood stove, bifocals and discovered electricity. "Somebody better do it," he probably thought.) There is security and self-esteem. Even when the girl at school says your pants are too baggy, your group of friends decides you're out and the bus driver is a grouch, there's always a friend at home--usually five or six.

And about college. How are all those kids going to go to college? So far, our oldest five children have put themselves through with only minimal help from us and no government aid. They're making sure that the ones at home are keeping their grades up and working toward scholarships. We've never dealt with alcohol, drugs or premarital sex. The lessons we carefully taught our oldest children become magnified as they filter down through the family.

Feeding, clothing, driving and nurturing a large family is hard work for both Dad and me. But the greatest and most lasting lessons they've learned in our home, the ones that are the most deeply ingrained in their hearts, are the ones we didn't have to teach at all. I can't imagine how we could have. You can't just say "be selfless" and expect it to happen. They need an environment that makes it essential.

On the night of Christmas this year, all the fun came to a sad halt when 11 year old Marielle discovered that her beloved dog, Josh, was seriously injured. The family kept vigil with her until he died. I slept next to her as she cried herself to sleep and felt inadequate to see her through this awful loss. I was unprepared the next morning, for the outpouring of love and support she received from her siblings. Natalie made her favorite breakfast. Mikelle took her for a walk. Andy made her a memory book about Josh. Dad and Nick dug a grave in the frozen ground. The whole family gathered for a funeral. Marielle was enveloped in a level of comfort and support that I could never have given alone.

I know this has been a long response but it's a sad thing for me to watch the demise of the big family. We've lost something so wonderful. I can't help but wish we could find it again.