How do I improve my relationship with my 2-year-old?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading some various posts. I want to ask you and tell you a little bit about my 2 year old daughter and our relationship. She is beautiful. She isbdetermined, strong willed, defiant, dominant and oh so tiny. Any one that comes in contact with Lucy knows she's there. I love her; she is now my middle child. I have a 6 year old son and 4 1/2 month old son. My daughter Lucy is still not speaking and is easily frustrated with me. If she does not get what she wants immediately she screams at me unceasingly. Her and I seem to be continually battling with no winner. I don't yell, spank or say mean things to her, but I have noticed myself pull away from her needs and sometimes I feel it is simply easier to just ignore her adamant, demanding ways. Our relationship is very strained and it worries me. She is somehow different, happier easier to get along with around everyone close to her, her dad, grandma, aunt, etc.

I try to reason with her, set limits, but everything is a fight. We fight when I do her hair, change her diaper, dress her, try to make her meals. She demands so much attention it is taking away from her siblings. She loves her baby brother constantly wants to hold, and cuddle him, but her and her older brother are constantly fighting and she is always destroying anything he is playing with. He never wants to play with her or have her around. By evening I am so drained from the fighting and her constant screaming I want nothing to do with her, but of course she insists I put her to bed. I want our relationship to be better and for her to love me and I want to nurture her in the ways she needs. Even as a baby she wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't sleep in my bed even though I tried she wanted to be in a cradle by herself beside my bed. She didn't want heldand cuddled but instead would love to be left on her stomach on a blanket on the floor until she fell asleep. I nursed her until just weeks before her brother was born and have always tried to remain attached. She has such a strong spirit and I know she is sent from my Father in Heaven I just wish I knew what I needed to do to be the mother she needs me to be.

Thank You,

Lyndsay

The Answer:
Dear Lyndsay,

Thank you for your letter. You’ve done a good job of describing the frustration of a challenging child. In my experience of raising a large family, I acknowledge that some children seem “easier” than others. Our challenge as mothers is to resist the temptation to compare and to develop a strong bond and relationship with each one, independent of the rest. It’s human nature, I think, for our hearts to gravitate toward the pleasant well-behaved child and to emotionally distance ourselves from the more challenging one. We do this in a number of ways.

I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but I had an interesting conversation with a group of friends one day. One of them confessed that she had a “favorite” child. She told us who it was and listed the many reasons that this child had won her heart over the others (they had common interests, the child was grateful, made her proud in public, generous, happy, etc). The others in the group acknowledged that they too had favorite children. Then the conversation turned to the child they “didn’t really like”. Everyone laughed—knowing that “didn’t really like” was a strong phrase and that of course, they loved all of their children. But there was one, they all agreed, who was hard almost from the beginning and that it had never changed. They listed their grievances with “the difficult child” and they certainly seemed justified in their position.

You haven’t made such a claim about Lucy, but it’s easy to see that things might head in that direction. I would caution you and all mothers against establishing such labels—even in your own mind. It’s easy to build a case against a child, to go back and support your case with historical evidence, to continue gathering evidence daily. We do this because, in a way, it absolves us of personal responsibility. “This is just a hard child and has been from the start”. But such thought processes are unproductive and destructive. Very soon, a child senses that he is not like the others in our eyes and continues behaviors that divide and separate. When we recognize that a breech like this is beginning to form, we do everything in our power to repair it and bring a child into the secure circle of our approval and love.

I realize that this is just exactly what you are asking me how to do. The reason that I went into some detail about the mental attitudes of mothers, is that if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll recognize that this is where the breech starts and that this is where the repair must begin.

There are two infallible ways of changing a heart. The first is prayer. Pray all through the day that you can be filled with love and understanding for your child and that she can feel it. Pray for ideas and thoughts and then act on every positive impulse. You mentioned in your letter that she seems to do better with others than with you. That’s good news in a way because it shows that she can control her behavior (admirable for a two year old) and that you can focus on your relationship. That brings me to my second point. Do all the tried and true things that strengthen any relationship. Invest unhurried time. Play with her and let her lead the play. Make lots of eye contact and when you look at her, think, “I love you.”

As a grandmother of grandchildren that live far away, I usually have only a few days to win over my two-year-old grandchildren. They don’t really want me to cuddle and hold them until we’ve spent some quality time together. I have a big fuzzy bean bag that we toss back and forth for as long as they want. There’s lots of smiles and eye contact. Then we read books (more close contact). We play hide and seek. Soon we have a nice little bond going.

You are her primary relationship. Much of your time is spent, of necessity, coercing her to do things that she doesn’t really want to do. This strains your relationship so you have to counterbalance all that coercion with praise, approval, smiles, hugs and meaningful comfortable time together. My experience has been that when my children feel really loved by me and when our relationship is solid, they begin to want to please me. And when I see them doing any little thing—making even the tiniest effort to comply or obey, I stop everything and look into their eyes and compliment them and thank them and hug them. The tide begins to turn.

Finally, recognize that this is the child that is going to teach you all the attributes of godliness—patience, long-suffering, gentleness, charity. This is the child that is going to force you to seek help—to search ponder and pray. You’ve been wanting to put more of that into your life, right? Now you have a purpose! This is the child that is going to refine and change you. This is the child that is going to grow up and remember the many ways that you loved her.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts.

Love,
Jane

One-Year-Old Screamer?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

  I am absolutely impressed with your blog.  Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with people like me who are new moms. 

So my question is this:  My 1 year old has become a screamer.  He screams to communicate and it is so embarrassing.  I spend church time, in secluded rooms, and find myself giving in to just about anything to make him stop.  It is a blood curdling scream, not just a little one.  My 2 1/2 year old never did this, so it is throwing me for a loop.  I feel like I have tried everything and exhausted every resource.  I AM EXHAUSTED.  It is flustering, and I can't seem, despite my best efforts, to get him to communicate in other ways.  Please help me if you know how.  He is only 1 as of Sept 4th, so I am not sure what to do. 

My husband and I just moved from a home to an apartment so that he could go back to school.  The neighbors can hear EVERY minute of my son's screaming . What do I do?

Lisanne

The Answer:

I am so sorry.  I remember returning to school with three little children and how I worried about the neighbors.  It was a lot of pressure.  And screaming is so unnerving.

 

But you realize, of course, that this is a temporary phase.  And it's good that you recognize that your little man is just trying to communicate.   The key is to downplay it.  If he sees you responding, he will think it's a game.  If you run over and grab him every time or look alarmed or, worst of all, give him what he wants, he'll have no reason to stop.    I would just try to downplay it and continue teaching him to say words.   Meet his needs in every way--make sure he's getting plenty of sleep and keep him fed.  Give him lots of love.  If he screams, walk away.  When he doesn't, pour it on.

 

That is to say, give him lots of positive attention when he isn't screaming and not much at all when he is.  If you have to remove him (because you're in church or some other public place) just don't make a big deal about the screaming.   Don't tense up and cover his mouth.   Calmly take him out and wait for him to stop.   Then make eye contact and smile and talk to him.  When he screams, be unresponsive.  I would also explain your dilemma to your neighbors and let them know that you're working with him.  Chances are, they aren't hearing anything.  Don't be exhausted by this.  Just ride it out and try to keep it low key.  At this age, your son is just trying out all of his new skills.  When he finds the ones that bring rewards, he'll gradually leave the others behind.  Children at this age are very perceptive.  He's going to stop when he realizes that screaming gets him nothing.

 

This is a challenge but you can do it. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

A Toddler and a New (special needs) Baby?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

Oh boy, I've got a bazillion questions.  I've been thinking about your blog a lot and in particular your ideas on loving discipline.  It resonates with me, especially because I recognize the fact that my own upbringing was one where there was a lack of love felt, plenty of shame/yelling, etc.  {Not to be a cry baby and not that it was all bad, but it is what it is.}  With my own daughter I've tried very hard to form a strong, loving bond.  I try to be especially cuddly and physically affectionate.  So when you talk about the importance of these things, I get it.  Here's what I don't get....

I believe in being firm with discipline, rules and boundaries.  {Another thing I know I lacked in my childhood and thus actually contributed to me feeling less loved.}  So in my mind, I try to balance being the firm disciplinarian with being a loving, fun mom at all other times.  But again, I like what you've talked about...I like the idea of treating kids as we would want to be treated and trying to encourage behavior through love rather than force. BUT....BUUUUUUUT I'm really struggling to see how I could get my daughter--a toddler, who is 3--to do certain things any other way, than without using something that basically adds up to a threat.  If we ask her to do something, she often complies because she's genuinely and generally a good girl.  But she's still 3 and of course doesn't do everything asked of her.  Naturally.  Additionally, lately she's been going through a rather defiant phase and without saying things like {even very kindly}, "Sweetheart, if you don't do _______ you're not going to get any treats."  Or "Sorry sweetie it's time for bed, and you know if you scream and throw a fit that we take your book away."  I guess I can see how your approach over time really helps, particularly with teenagers, but I'm having a really hard time seeing how I could use this same approach on a toddler who would and could just say no every time I ask her to do something.  I know you talk about having high standards with your children and that they definitely have boundaries, but I just need help seeing this with toddlers.  Oh, and we've even done a bean jar lately to promote obedience and to use a positive approach, but I'm also afraid that now she's just being obedient just to "get a bean"  and of course it still doesn't work all the time.  I know that my aim isn't just to 'get her to do what I want, when I want' but at the same time, I do think there are times that when I ask her to do something, it needs to be done.  Period.  And so far I can't figure out how to do that without a natural consequences approach.  And I guess I've been sorta hard on myself lately because as I've really been thinking about this I've tried to utilize the method unsuccessfully a few times, only to get frustrated and even once to the point of yelling and walking out.  So I could use some help....I don't want this idea to be some elusive ideal that I can't reach and in the meantime only get frustrated with my lack of know how and end up doing something worse {yelling} than my original approach...does that make sense?  Also, as mentioned in the title, I'm feeling particularly rushed as I'm pregnant with our second daughter who is going to be born with special needs.  I know this is going to change everything in a lot of ways, and that I might feel additional stress of not just a newborn but a newborn that comes with a whole new set of issues.  {I'm seriously writing this in the hospital right now, preparing to have a c-section tomorrow 5 weeks early because she needs to get out asap...you don't have to put this part on the blog if you post my question, but I'm so desperate for some guidance that this is what's on my last minute to-do list.  I know...crazy much?} 

Anyway, thanks for your help.  You're a cool cat Jane and thank goodness for mothers like you.

Love,

Amy

The Answer: 

Dear Amy,

I am constantly amazed at the obstacles that mothers have before them and the strength and determination they meet them with.  By now, you have a new baby with special needs.  She's very blessed to have you.

As for your three year old, I really do understand your frustration.  You feel like she'll walk all over you if you use a loving approach and she often does.  Probably 80% of the questions I receive have to do with this age group.  The reason it's hard for me to answer this question is because I can hardly remember what it was like to have only one or two children.  I know I hovered over them and was aware of all of their behaviors.  But for the last five or six children, I just became very easy going.  I made few demands and just enjoyed them at this age.  I didn't really discipline much.  I fed them when they were hungry and gave them naps when they were tired and we all played with them and enjoyed their little antics.  I potty trained them when they were ready, read to them a lot, and taught them new things.  I just had very few power struggles.  I did teach them that no means no and that there were limits. I didn't give in when they cried or whined.  I would follow through.  "I know...you really want candy.  I'm sorry but we'll have some later."   Big hug. Walk away.  And I was firm about things.  "You may never hit.  Hitting hurts people"  Focus on the victim.   As I've mentioned, the whole focus at this age is on teaching correct behavior--practicing it and rewarding it and helping to bring about success.  Role play so she gets a good picture of what you want.  "Let's practice walking through a store."  "Let's practice coming right when you're called."  I think the bean jar and things like it are good because they reinforce good behavior.  Hugs and lots of eye contact are even better.  Not just stern, teaching eye contact but "I love you" eye contact and lots of smiles.  "I'm going to tell you ten reasons why I'm glad you're my little girl."    Three year olds are still very small and irrational--though smart.  They don't really think through things yet.  Just be patient, love and teach.  As they get a little older, they really will have a more true sense of right and wrong and be able to make more good choices.

The greatest advantage of my age and stage of life, is perspective.  I know that most of the things that I worried about with my earlier kids just corrected themselves with time and maturity.  I learned to relax and enjoy my children and as a result, they turned out to be sweet and loving.  That's really why I write this blog--to tell you the great secret--that you are free to love and enjoy your children without worrying about ruining them.  When they sense your constant disapproval, they'll be discouraged.  When they feel deeply approved of and accepted, they will thrive.  Think about the way your husband treats you and what kind of treatment brings out the best in you.  Especially when you are undeserving.   It's a universal principle.

Congratulations on your new little baby girl.  I'm thinking of you.

Love,

Jane

Butting Heads With My 2 Year Old?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I have 2 children (2 1/2 year old girl, 9 month old boy) that are as sweet as can be, but I have been butting heads with the 2 1/2 year old lately.  I'm guessing it's mostly the age and I just have to get through it, but I'm wondering if you have any tips to make it easier.

Getting her dressed or trying to do her hair is a wrestling match.  These are the things I've tried, as well as their opposites:  letting her pick what she'll wear, giving her warnings that it's almost time to get dressed, bribes (this when I have to get out the door for an appointment or something), just not caring what she's wearing when we go out, etc.  I haven't found anything that seems to make it easier. 

She's also started to be rude to other kids, especially her cousin (1 1/2 years old).  Everything is "hers" and she'll push him to get what she wants.  I realize this is very typical of the age, but I'm not sure how to respond when she does this.  I feel like she's such a bully to other kids, yet at other times she will be super sweet. 

Other topics I'm interested in your views on for this age:  nap time, teeth brushing, screaming (often while having fun, but it's too loud), getting her to cooperate when it's time to get in her car seat (once she's buckled in she's fine), and any other advice.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with young mom's like me.  And thank you for helping me realize that I need to rely more on the spirit than on parenting books.  That's a hard thing for me to remember.

You really are the best!
Bethany

The Answer:

Dear Bethany,

 

It sounds like you have a strong-willed child.  You're right that she'll outgrow many of those behaviors, but you can work with her now to teach her what you expect and to give her successes. 

 

Most of the things you mentioned seem to be power struggles--the things you want her to do that she doesn't want to do.    And it sounds like you've had some good ideas.  I really hate power struggles.  I avoid them whenever possible because they set things up in a way that makes a child feel defeated in the end.  You want your child to feel cooperative and capable.  Is she old enough to dress herself?   You can hand her a shirt and say, "Do you know how to put this on?" or have a race--she puts on her clothes while you dress her younger brother.  You can exclaim the whole time to her brother about what a big, grown-up sister he has.  Two year olds like to "act" rather than be "acted upon" so give her as much autonomy as she can handle. 

 

This weekend, I visited my grandchildren.  It was good for me to remember how they think.  I realized that I almost always use some sort of incentive when the task is unpleasant for them.  "As soon as you're all dressed, you can choose a candy."  "When you have you're shoes on, we'll go outside and look for bugs for a few minutes."  "We have to leave the park now, but when we get home, we can read a story or eat some lunch."  I think I've always done that--avoided conflict by giving a positive picture of the outcome. 

 

BUT--here is a big caution.  Never give in when she cries.   If you start to dress her and she starts to cry, you can sympathize and console but, go ahead and get her dressed.  You don't want to teach her to cry.  Don't make it a long drawn out ordeal--simply say, "I'm really sorry.  I know that you hate getting dressed but we have to do it every single day."  Then do it.  Same with the car seat and brushing hair.  You can remain kind and calm but she needs to understand that these are not optional activities.

 

Now--about screaming.  I think I've mentioned before that I have a very low tolerance for noise.  Because of that, my children don't scream.  I'm convinced that because I hate it, I am very aware of it and respond quickly and that has conditioned my children against screaming.   And that makes me think that we can teach our children anything when we act swiftly and consistently.  "We never scream in the house...screaming is for outside."    "Remember...never in the house."   To make it more graphic, if they continue to scream, take their hand and walk outside.  When you get out there, invite them to scream.  "This is where we scream...but never in the house." Even when my kids' friends used to come and play, they quickly caught on to that rule.  Here's a cute story to back this up.  My Daughter Natalie doesn't let her children watch certain tv shows and tells them that they "give her a headache."  One day when one of those shows came on, Jack said, "Hurry!  Turn it off!  Mom will get a headache!"   Children will comply with any expectation if we are firm and consistent.  When we're hit or miss about it, they won't learn that we mean it.  I love clear limits.  And the best part is, our children love them too and thrive on them. 

 

Recognize of course, that your daughter is very young and be patient as you work with her.  As always, continue to do all the things that build a bond of love.  Smiles, hugs, true connection.  Love brings out the best in all of us.

 

And keep praying for help.  You're a good mom.

 

With love,

 

Jane

What To Do About More Complex Problems?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I guess I still don't get it.  I don't have a clear picture of what your discipline looks like.  I liked the example that you gave of your child coming home late, and thinking about how you would want to be treated if you were late- it makes sense, and I have been able to apply it to some situations at home with great success.  But, I get stuck when it gets more complex- like one kid saying something hurtful to another, or when the older kids aren't willing to allow the younger kids to play with them or share with them.  Or when someone back talks to me.  Then what?  Please help me to understand.  I want to do better.  I have so many questions- but this one is at the top of the list!  Thank you!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a blueprint or a manual that would cover every situation.  I remember longing for one of those myself!   But I haven’t found one and I couldn’t write one.  It’s your privilege to decide what the climate of your home will be and how to create it.  My suggestions are really just general principles to guide you in that process.  

Let’s look at one of your concerns:  When older kids aren’t willing to allow the younger kids to play with them.

You’ve identified that as a problem in your home.  You know that you could force the older kids to play with the younger ones—but that won’t work.  It will breed resentment and contention.  You could set up a reward system in which older children earn points for including younger ones.  That would solve the problem on a superficial level, but again, you would be policing and orchestrating the situation.  What you really want is for your children to care about each other on a deeper level--enough that they would feel bad leaving one another out.  Encouraging and building those feelings in our children is possible—but it isn’t done overnight and it demands deeper thought and prayer on your part.

Spend some time thinking and praying about the situation.  Actually, all the concerns you talked about fall into the category of love and respect in your home.  The climate in your home is bothering you and you want to change it.  Know that the Lord wants you to succeed and he will inspire you with ideas.  I’ve been amazed again and again at the inspiration that begins to flow into my mind when I humbly seek it—insights that I would not have had, solutions that were so much simpler than I thought.  The solutions fit my family, my personality, my situation.  Some examples of this type of revelation might be:

I see that I am part of the problem.  The way that I am speaking, acting or treating my children is not modeling the behavior I’m hoping to see in them.

I see that one of my children is needy—discouraged or overlooked and therefore crippled when it comes to giving of himself in the family.

I feel impressed to talk to my older children about my vision for our family and enlist their aid in accomplishing it.

I might really see the point of view of my older children and have the ability to sympathize with their position when it comes to younger siblings.    When they feel understood and accepted, they naturally become more generous.

I might feel inspired to temporarily set up that point system I discussed earlier, as a way of turning the tide and raising awareness.

The general principles that I use involve teaching and loving, instead of continual discipline for failure.  These principles are especially effective when it comes to teaching love in the home.  It’s ironic when children are spanked for hitting or sent to their room for isolating a sibling.  Creating a loving environment, encourages love.  You model kindness when you speak kindly.  You teach patience when you are patient.  Most teen-agers who are disrespectful, are often spoken to disrespectfully, forcefully, and in ways that belittle.

I have often told my children over the years that this is our home, our family.  We knew each other before we came here and we hoped we’d be friends.  We get to decide how we want it to be.  I think it’s very important to keep the larger picture in view for everyone to see, to shoot for the ideal.

And one last thought.  When it comes to love in the home, my greatest asset (besides the Lord) is my oldest child.  Enlist their aid.  Give them lots of special attention and help them feel the weight of their role in the success of your family.  They very often set the tone.  As our children have left one by one, the next child steps into that role and becomes a great strength to us as they mature personally.  I would start fostering that role and relationship early.

Going back to your original question, I don’t really think of this as a “method of discipline”.  I don’t really discipline or punish.  I expect and teach and do everything I can to create an environment that will bring about success.

With Love,

Jane

2 1/2 Year Old Wild Man?

The Question:

 

Mother Jane,

 

How great to have a mother to talk to! I have a little kid/little problem question. I am the mother of 5 young kids, 1 to 11 years. I thought I had babyness all figured out, then I had #4. The pregnancy was rotton, the sweet baby got up every hour, slept an hour, up an hour. He started getting sick at 2 months old and it has been one thing after another. For a while he would get better for 2 or three days, then sick again. He is the cutest little guy and so funny and we love each other so much. We kiss all day, but the little turkey is so smart, he can't stay out of trouble, he's got to be exploring ALL the time. 

 

Recently, he became intrigued by knives. I found him sitting in the corner of the counter staring at the serated butcher knife. As he was petting the chrome blade, he knew I was there behind him and said said, " Mom, I love this knife, I love this knife, mom." A few days earlier, my 5 year old came running to me and said, "Mom! Josh (name has been changed to protect the unaccountable), is playing with the matches!" I go in the living room and he has dumped an entire box of matches of the floor and like 15 have been lit! What 2 year old knows how to strike a match! I don't even know how he got them, we have removed all chairs from the kitchen and they were on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard! Just after he went into nursery, I went to pick him up and I noticed three kids bleeding from face wounds. I asked what happened and told me Josh had "gotten them". I told the Primary President they had to call me to nursery so I could protect the other children or he couldn't go anymore. 

 

This started just after #5 came home. They are only 15 months apart. The curiosity thing I can deal with. It's the hitting, scratching and pulling hair I am tired of. It has been intensly going on for a full year now. I have tried everything 100 times and he just doesn't care enough about the rewards/punishments/consequences to stop. I don't go to play group at the park because I don't want the other moms to cry when I pull up, I can't ask anyone to watch him because I'm afraid he'll hurt their kids. We have tried physically restrictive time-outs, "When you hurt us, you can't be with us" separation time outs, spanked him back, let the kids hit him back, pretended to cry because we were so sad, ignored it etc etc etc. Poor #5, he's the sweetest little boy, just one year old and he is either getting loved to death by Josh or wailed on by Josh. Please fix us. I'll even let you take him for a little while if you need to, ha ha ha........

 

Love,

 

Josh's Tired Mom

 

The Answer:

Dear Mother of "Josh",

 

Your letter reminded me so much of my good friend Cindy.  She had three little angelic girls--just unbelievably perfect.  I was raising my rough and tumble boys and I really felt that Cindy was a better mother than I was.  I tried to copy her methods but, try as I might, my boys wouldn't just sit in a circle on the floor and quietly play or color.  Then along came daughter #4--her version of Josh--the wildest girl I'd ever seen.  She was cross, sickly, defiant and full of mischief.  I'll have to be honest--I felt much better after that.  And I learned a lesson.  Some children are, for whatever reason, much more difficult than others.  I think the Lord uses them to humble us.  They take us out of the comfortable routines of our lives and demand that we constantly employ new strategies.  It probably doesn't seem funny to you, but I just laughed right out loud at "Mom, I love this knife.  I love this knife, Mom".  My friend told me about her nephew who was "Josh-like".  His parents tried to explain to him that Heavenly Father wanted him to be good, and Satan wanted him to be bad.  He said, "But I love Satan."  Of course, the parents thought their son was possessed...but he's actually turning out well.  Sometimes those tough children grow out of it fairly quickly--and other times, they're pretty challenging all the way along.  But almost always, they turn out to be extraordinary people, if their parents don't panic and crush them with harshness.  If "Josh" were my boy, I would:

 

1)  Pray.  I would pray for insight into his mind and for an increased ability to care for him.  I would pray that we could connect with eachother and learn from eachother.  I would just tell the Lord my feelings and struggles and ask for his help continually.

 

2)  I would keep him under close watch.  It's hard when you've had some relatively easy children, to shift into a more vigilant mode.  But that's what you'll need to do.  Assign family members to help out and teach them how to work with him...especially this year.

 

3)  No surprise, I'd continue to shower him with love and reassurance.  He was bumped out of the nest pretty early.  He's still not much more than a baby really.  It sounds like you're already doing this.  But really try to connect many times a day.  Look right into his eyes and make sure he feels all of your warmth and love.  When he's in this mode of constantly being corralled or reprimanded, he can start to feel like he's "out of your circle" and that the baby is in.  Little children who are as busy and curious and high-maintenance as he is, get used to receiving stern looks and glares from everyone--nursery leaders, family members, your friends--even strangers.  Those looks tell him that he's bad and unloved.  You can teach his siblings to smile at him often and look at him with love.

 

4)  Be in a mode of continual teaching.  Try not to let things escalate to where he's injuring someone or destroying something and has to be disciplined.  I'm with you that I wouldn't drop him off at the nursery or at the home of a friend right now.   It's too easy for him to develop negative habits and patterns.  He's a full-time job for a while.  Teach him appropriate behavior.  We often tell children "no" without being really clear about what we want them to do instead.  Have him practice little good behaviors like sharing, touching people's faces softly and gently, coming right when you call and then reward him.  Praise even the tiniest success.

 

Mainly, you are in a mode of protecting him and others until he has a chance to mature.  I've seen dozens of children who seemed hopelessly out of control at two, become really nice five year olds.  You're a seasoned mother with a great sense of humor.  You'll be successful.  You'll be telling that knife story with a chuckle when he graduates from college.  Keep that vision.  Pray hard.

 

With Love,

 

Jane 

Understanding Boys?

The Question:
Thanks for your uplifting blog and great insights.  I figured it’s about time I asked a question, so here goes:
 
I have two boys, ages 9 and 7.  I love them to pieces but lately, I am becoming so frustrated with some of their obnoxiousness:  the potty talk, laughing at stupid noises, sloppy behavior in dress and chores, showing off for friends, and just in general acting stupid!  One of my boys resists work by asking stupid questions, “What’s a room?”  “What’s clean?”  “What’s a broom?” in an annoying voice.  Another has shown amazing proficiency at chores in the past, but now resists work at all costs. 
 
Ironically, I used to teach a bunch of Primary boys that age when my own kids were younger and I’d get so annoyed by the same types of behaviors.  Of course, I vowed my OWN BOYS would never behave that way, yet here we are.  =) 
 
Please give me a little perspective on how boys this age think.  Is most of this stuff just temporary and best ignored, like a toddler’s tantrums?  Or should I intervene more and work harder at teaching appropriate behavior?
 
Thanks!
 
Christina.

The Answer:

Dear Christina,
 
I loved this question.  I just laughed right out loud.  You really captured that age and stage perfectly.  I actually have thought a great deal about this issue over the years.  I think it's more important than it might appear.
 
Your boys are at a stage where they are discovering their own humor.  I think a mother can go a long way to help them in this endeavor--and encourage some patterns that will last for years to come.  I usually have a talk with my children at around this age that goes something like this.
 
"I've noticed that you are getting a good sense of humor.  That's a great thing because everyone likes funny people.  But we have a few rules about humor in our family.
 
1)  It can never be crude.  Crudeness isn't really funny.  It's just crude.  It isn't clever and it detracts from the spirit in our home.  Here are some things that I think are crude:  Vulgar noises, bathroom humor, talk about boldily functions, anything sexually degrading, certain terminology.  (I don't like the words "butt" or "sucks" or "crap" or a few others.  You'll have to decide what's acceptable to you.) 
 
David Bednar said,  "Because the Spirit cannot abide that which is vulgar, crude, or immodest, then clearly such things are not for us."

I recognize that this stance is almost outrageous in today's world where almost every children's movie is steeped in crude humor.  But our children can be taught to find this humor offensive.
 
2)  It can never be at the expense of someone else.  Cutting remarks may seem funny, but when they injure another person, they show a lack of character.  We simply don't hurt people with our humor. 
 
3)  Humor cannot be smart-alecky.  (Your sons remarks about "What's a room?" fall into that category.)  
 
After laying down those rules about humor, I am pretty tenacious about upholding them.  "Remember, we don't use humor that way."  I try to teach them by laughing at their appropriate humor (even though it's only marginally funny at this age) and sharing fun stories that I know they'll enjoy.  By taking the time to work with them and develop their humor and personality in a positive direction, you are preparing them to be respected and appreciated throughout their lives.  Because, let's face it, many people seem to stay "stuck" in that grade-school humor forever.
 
All of that being said, I admit that I don't fully enjoy children between the ages of 9 and 13.  They are a little bit annoying to me--the way they want to tell you a whole movie in detail, their drama, their chitchat.  Don't get me wrong, I never stop loving my children or attempting to keep the relationship strong.  But I'm always so relieved when they arrive at 14 or 15.  They become truly clever and intelligent.  I completely enjoy them at this age and beyond.
 
You're a great mother with a lot of insight.  Good luck with this new little challenge.
 
With Love,
 
Jane

Getting My Husband On Board?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

First off- thank you so much for the time you spend on answering so many questions.
I really admired your letter to your readers. I really want to focus more on my relationship with my children as opposed to just disciplining like you wrote about. My question for you is how do I get my husband on board without sounding like I am nagging and wanting him to do things "my way"? I have been wanting to talk to him about changing our disciplinary ways with our children for a few days now, but I can't seem to find the right time or words to express to him how important this is to me. How did you and your husband work together?
 
Thanks,
Jamee


The Answer:
Dear Jamee,
 
It was kind of a funny thing with us.  When our oldest children were young, my bible was "Children the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs.    It is based on natural consequences.  It made sense and I had to train my husband in all of its ways.  We would sit around and brainstorm about appropriate consequences for various offenses.  We got pretty adept at natural consequences, but as I've mentioned before, I felt uneasy about the "outward vs. inward" motivations involved.  As I became converted to the loving approach and became more and more excited about it, I had the job of convincing my husband that we needed to scrap the old method.   He was really skeptical-- because in theory, it sounds permissive, inconsistent and ineffective.  But I started using it and pointing out the successes and little by little, he became a believer. 
 
I'd have to say though, that even after all these years, we're really different in our styles.  Neither of us are harsh but we don't handle things in exactly the same way.  I think that's ok.  Children really seem to adapt to and even benefit from those differences.
 
I suggest that you just ease into new ways of doing things and discuss them as you go along.  Explain the theories behind a loving approach and then try it out.  My good friend has recently had to go back to school, and her husband primarily cares for the children.   She told me that one day her husband was trying to resolve a conflict between two children.  Instead of punishing the perpetrator (which he would have done before), he focused on the injured child, assuring him that no harm was meant.  The guilty child looked on for a few moments, then ran forward and apologized--on his own.  The father was surprised and excited to see this apology without any outside prompting.  He began to catch the vision of the whole approach.
 
It's not a change that can be made overnight.  But as you both see positive results and talk about them, you'll likely move in this direction together.
 
All my love,
 
Jane

Whining Children?

The Question:

I just recently found your website and I love it!  I have already learned a lot.  I was wondering what you do about whining?  I have three children 6, 4 and 2 and our 4 year old is the worst whiner of the bunch.  Whenever they get told no about not getting to do a certain activity right at that moment or no they can't have a snack because it is almost dinner and every other time they get told "no" they start to whine, whine, whine and ask why.  There seems to be nonstop whining in our house.  How do we get them to stop and learn to accept that no means no and to move on with their day without whining about it?  

Ashley

The Answer:
Dear Ashley,
 
I sympathize completely with you.  I just can't tolerate whining (or screaming).  I would start today to eliminate it.
 
I would begin to attack this problem by focusing first on myself.  I would be absolutely certain to never give in when they whine.   If your children are whining continually, there is a good chance that you are occasionally rewarding it.  They've learned that it's worth a try.
 
I'm sure that you've addressed the problem directly with your children.  It's always helpful to discuss these issues at a time other than when they are occurring.  Play a little game.  Have a cupful of Skittles and tell them that you are going to have a lesson about manners.  Have them ask for an Skittle politely and then give them one.  Next, have them ask and you say, "No, I'm sorry.  Not right now."  Teach them to say.  "OK, Mom".  When they get it right, praise their wonderful manners.  Do it again and again and then try some different scenerios.  Each time that you say 'no', have them say, "OK, Mom".  This teaches them your expectation and gives you a reference point when you experience an actual situation.  "Remember...what do you say when I say no?"  Of course they won't catch on overnight, but keep working at it.  I might even keep a jar of M&Ms handy and for a week or two and give them one whenever they say, "OK, Mom".
 
 Sometimes it takes very focused, concerted effort to change a bad habit.  But children usually respond well to positive teaching.  We occasionally go through a phase where it seems that everyone complains when I ask them to do something.  Then I know it's time to bring out the  "Sure" jar.  (It's especially impressive because the label came off of my deodorant so it looks very professional.)  I put in an M&M whenever I make a request and a child says, "Sure!" with enthusiasm.  When I feel that we've turned things around, they get to divide up the M&M's.  Maybe you could have an "OK, Mom" jar.
 
This advice applies to so many situations.  Just teach with a positive spin.  I predict your home will be "whining free" in a couple of weeks.  Or at least you'll see some serious progress.  Don't forget to pray for help.
 
All my love,
 
Jane

Very Attached Little Girl?

The Question:

Hi Jane,
 
I'm just loving this blog! I've really appreciated your posts explaining your more loving approach to discipline. I have tried to keep these principles in mind lately when parenting my two kids (aged four and two). However, there are some situations with my four-year-old daughter that I'm not sure how to handle.
 
My daughter--while very independent and well behaved when attending preschool, primary, or dance class--always acts very clingy to me at home. I cannot leave the home at all without her crying for me and begging for me not to go. These are all situations where I would be leaving her home in the care of my husband. My husband is really a great, gentle, patient, fun father. Once I can finally tear my daughter from off my leg and leave the house, she is totally content and happy the duration of my absence.
 
Bedtime is the only other instance where she exhibits this same behavior. We have quite an involved, well-entrenched bedtime routine: bath, pajamas, four books, teeth, prayer, song, story in bed, one-on-one talking, and finally a stretched-out painful goodnight! I generally like the routine and am glad that we spend this time together each evening; however, with only two kids (we want to have more) this routine can take a couple of hours every night. My daughter is tired at this time of night (Mommy is too), and she insists that only I do every aspect of the routine. Normally this is fine, but at times I need Daddy to step in to brush teeth or read stories. If my husband has to do anything she cries and is very emotional. Once a week I have a Young Women's meeting that requires me to leave in the middle of bedtime--and it can be quite emotionally draining on me. However, once again, once I am out the door she snaps out of it and is perfectly happy for my husband. The only obstacle is literally peeling her off my leg so I can leave! Also, each night after laying with her, talking, singing, telling a story, and praying with her (sometimes spending up to 30 minutes with her in bed) she still cries when it is time for me to leave. Interestingly, when my husband does put her down to bed she happily kisses him goodnight and doesn't put up any fight.
 
I know it is normal for a child to still be fairly attached to her mother at this age (again she doesn't do this type of thing when I drop her off at preschool, primary, babysitters, or dance). I know she has fun with her Dad and enjoys spending time with him. It is just that he is more efficient at bedtime and gets the routine done quicker, where I will linger on things and it is easier for my daughter to stall going to bed when I'm in charge at night. My husband and I kind of think that she is using crying (emotions) on me, because she knows I am generally more receptive to her emotions. Basically these tactics work on momma not on daddy, so she doesn't really try them on him. Anyway, these situations can be tiring at night, and I'm not sure how to be firm but still loving when I feel that she is being a bit manipulative (such a strong word to use when describing a four-year-old's behavior, but it is the most fitting description I could think of).
 
Thank you so much! I look forward to your reply.
 

Caitlin

The Answer:

Dear Caitlin,
 
It's taken me a while to answer this question--so long that it might not even be a problem for you any more!  Usually, this kind of problem is pretty short-lived if you downplay it.  Just peel her arms off gently and say, I'll be back soon, then leave without delay.  If you reduce the drama, it often loses it's effect. 
 
Another thing that I often did with children of that age, was practice.  Some time when you aren't leaving but you're feeling especially close, talk about the problem together.  "Remember how sometimes when I leave, you cry and won't let me go?...Why is that?"  If she can articulate her feelings at a time when emotions are not high, she might feel more understood.  Then practice with her.   Take turns being the mommy who is leaving.  Show her how to give you a kiss and say, "Bye Mommy!  See you soon!"  Once she gets it, do it again and again, praising her.  Tell her that the next time you leave, if she can do it right, you have a treat for her.  Carry some little treats in your purse for a while.
 
The night time routine does seem a bit manipulative.  Children hate to go to bed.  That parting is so painful for them and they try to draw it out as long as they possibly can.  She prefers you because you're willing to spend this extra time.  My suggestion is that you follow your husband's lead and shorten up the routine.  Just move cheerfully from one chore to the next despite her protests--'just two books each night" and when you lay by her, only stay for two or three minutes.  You have seen that no matter what you do, she cries for more.  So just be kind but consistent--but be on the same page with your husband.  In our home, my husband was the story-teller at bedtime and oversaw most of the bedtime routine if he was home.  It gave him time with the children and I usually had a baby to care for.  Maybe you can let your husband take that over if he's willing. 
 
It's a problem that will blow over before long on it's own, but hopefully, these suggestions will help that along.  Good luck.
 
Love,
Jane

A Letter From Jane: Discipline

Dear Readers,

What a great experience it’s been so far, connecting with you on this blog. I feel like I’ve met so many wonderful mothers. I love your comments! They fill in all the gaps in my answers and it feels like, together, we create solutions that are real and complete. I wish we could all get together somewhere.

I’ve decided that occasionally, I’m just going to talk to you—without answering a question. I feel like, in some ways, the ‘question’ format leaves gaps and may cause confusion. So, once in a while, I’m just going to lay out an idea for you. For example, we’ve never discussed babies—how to truly nurture a baby. I feel that this is basic and key to our success as we teach our children later on. I’d love to hear your ideas on early bonding, and as you’ve probably guessed, I have a few of my own. So that will be one of my topics.

But because so many of your questions have focused on discipline and my answers create a somewhat incomplete picture, today, I’m going to lay out my whole philosophy on that subject. This “laying out” will include bits and pieces or things you’ve already read in my answers but, hopefully, will create a more complete picture.

Motherhood took on a whole new meaning for me when I adopted a more proactive approach that was based on some basic goals. The two goals that I have as I raise little children are 1) to preserve and strengthen our relationship and 2) to develop their deep, inner feelings of right and wrong. When your children emerge from these early years and become teen-agers, you will want to have firmly established those two things. It isn’t the easiest method of parenting. It takes constant thought and focus. The focus is on building a strong bond of love, helping children to succeed at what you ask them to do, and teaching instead of constant disciplining.

Physical discipline is destructive when you consider both of those goals. Not only does it damage the relationship, but it absolves a child of responsibility for what they’ve done. They have paid for the crime so there is no need to feel sorrow for it. At best, it is a deterrent—and if our goal is just to produce acceptable outward behavior, then it’s useful. The motivation will be fear of punishment. But our goal is to develop our child from the inside out—the motivation being a desire to be good.

Living by rigid natural consequences can also be counter-productive for the same reasons. This is where my philosophies might become confusing. Shouldn’t we provide a consistent environment where there are always the same consequences? Sometimes. I love structure and routine. I think they build security. But when our children make mistakes, our focus should be on teaching them, helping them to repair any damage and fostering their own feelings of sorrow.

It’s hard for me to watch parents who hold their children to high standards of accountability at an early age. The Lord is very clear that little children are without sin. He doesn’t hold them accountable for sin until they are 8. Why do we think that a 3 year old should pay for their sins? They’re young, with brains that are not fully capable. They don’t think or understand things the way adults do—even though they may be very smart. We are teaching them every day how to obey. Hopefully, they are getting better and better at it. Sometimes, they have bad days, or even a bad week or two. They move from stage to stage, and for some children, these transitions are difficult. Our role is to love and teach them through.

Success is defined by moments—I call them amazing moments—when we see our child respond to their own feelings. Here is a recent example. My daughter Natalie was driving home one evening with her husband and all the boys. They had planned to stop for pizza but changed their mind. Four year old Jack was disappointed and started to cry. He continued crying as they drove home and said “I don’t love you, Mom.” Natalie didn’t reprimand but realized that this had been a big disappointment for Jack and continued home. Later, without saying anything about Jack’s behavior, she made smoothies for the boys. While Jack was drinking his, he said, “Mom, I’ll never say I don’t love you any more.” This is an amazing moment. It may seem small but it represents a great deal. Jack was not forced to apologize. His gesture sprang from his own heart. He realized that he had been wrong all on his own and he repaired it. The two goals we talked about came in to play—Jack’s love for his mother and the development of his own conscience.

Children, as they grow, have an innate sense of right and wrong and they feel a level of discomfort when they misbehave. When we are kind to them-- when we don’t make them pay for their mistakes, they feel uncomfortable until they do something about it.

Keep in mind that Jack is four years old. His mind is much more developed than a two-year old. And while you may see some of these “amazing moments” in your 2 or 3 year old, they will become much more frequent in later years.

You can kill this sensitivity in your children if you are in the habit of using harsh punishment or discipline. It may take a while for their consciences to respond on their own once you instead take the time to help them really tune in to it. Ease up on the way you discipline, avoid force. Don’t frame things up with consequences “if you do that one more time….” but instead take in the situation, figure out what you are trying to teach, and patiently keep teaching it. You’re not allowing your child to run wild, but rather very actively taking the time to know your child and lovingly helping him to grow in positive ways.

For children between 18 months and 3, the emphasis is on teaching and loving. Don’t engender anger. Try to avoid this. Just shepherd them patiently through these irrational years and learn to love and appreciate their wonderful, joyful little ways. Hold them close and read every day. Play their games. Gently enforce limits without terribly high expectations. Some of them are so precocious that we think of them as little adults—especially oldest children, but the “logical” side of their brain is not even close to fully developed. The biggest myth and mistake of parents of 2 and 3 year olds is that “if I let them get away with this now, they’ll turn into juvenile delinquents.” Instead, think, “when this child is five, he will have outgrown almost everything I’m worried about.”

When our son, Peter, was 2, he had a terrible habit of head-butting anyone holding him against his will. If you picked him up from behind, he would throw his head back and give you a fat lip. I remember when three of us had fat lips at the same time! He was also impossible to take into stores. He would just get overly stimulated by the experience and behave terribly. My sister used to joke, “It takes a village to raise Peter.” Fortunately, our family of 10 was a small village by then. I’d like you to know him now at age 8. He is purely delightful. Everyone who knows him, loves him. He’s well behaved and happy and never gives us fat lips and is great in stores.

When our daughter Marlee was 2, she refused to sleep in her own bed. She wanted to cuddle up to go to sleep. I didn’t know why—whether she was just scared or lonely, but it wasn’t a big deal to me. So I put a small mattress under the side of my bed and let her sleep there (or usually put her there after she had fallen asleep.) She’s in college now. She sleeps in her own bed. And to tell you the truth, I miss that soft little body curled up beside me.

My very wise uncle, who had raised a very large family said at the end, “I think the only time we really mess our children up, is when we become overly anxious about them.” A loving, accepting environment brings out wonderful things in children. Doesn’t it bring out the best in you? That’s why the golden rule is a good key. When you have to say no, say it lovingly. “ I know. I wish we could stay here at the park all day. But we have to go home and have a snack.” Then pick them up and soothe them to the car. In this way, even saying no can strengthen your bond. They feel understood and sympathized with rather than dominated.

These are the principles I have lived by for the past 20 years or so, and every personality type flourishes with them. I even work part time with wayward teens and I feel that the same principles apply. Love is light. Light helps everything grow. The difficult part is to stay loving through all the stages and phases and struggles. That’s why motherhood is a sanctifying experience.

Hopefully this has been helpful.

All my love,

Jane

Screaming 4-Year-Old?

The Question:

Hi Jane!!

Thank you so much for this great website. I feel like this method is what I have been looking for because constant time-outs are not working anymore. Anyways, my 4 year old daughter is starting to drive me and my husband nuts!!! She cries and screams about EVERYTHING!! If we say"no" about anything she throws a huge tantrum. The hard part is when we are out in public or with family or friends and we tell her "no" she starts screaming and yelling and I just don't know how to handle the situation. We have started losing our patience with her and it has made us angrier and in turn she gets angry back and yells, slams doors, etc. How do I turn this around before it's too late? I don't want her to act like this and I fear that a lot of it is because we have lost patience.

Thanks again for any advice! Really appreciate it!

Kelly

The Answer:

Dear Kelly,

Sometimes being a mother is so much like being a doctor. You see symptoms and you aren't sure if they're a sign of something serious or whether it's some small minor virus that will pass in a few days. Such is the case with your screaming child. Is she just going through a phase? Is she deep down discouraged? Or is she finding that screaming gets results? Since we can't be sure, let's cover all the bases.

Make sure that you are connecting with her in positivie ways throughout the day. Really pour it on. She's getting big now, so it isn't as natural to pick her up and cuddle her. But she still needs lots of affirmation and physical affection. You didn't mention other children--but four year olds can feel especially "put out to pasture" when the cute baby or two year old is always stealing the show. You can make up for that by developing a new and special friendship. Treat her, in subtle ways, like a peer--sharing little secrets, doing "grown up" things together and then overtly telling her much you enjoy your time with her. Lots of warmth and reassurance about her place with you.

Never reward screaming. Ignore it. Walk away. At the very most, say, "I'm sorry. I can't understand you. When you're ready to talk to me, I'll listen." Even when others are watching, just calmly say this or ignore her all together. Or if she's truly causing a disturbance, take her to the car and read a book in the front seat while she screams. When she finds that she gets absolutely nowhere by screaming--no reward, no attention (negative or positive), no bribe or blackmail or negotiating, no power at all, she will stop. It may take a few days.

The combination of these two stategies should really help. At some quiet, close moment, you can talk to her about screaming. "Remember earlier today, when you didn't get another cookie and you screamed?" Teach her that babies scream because they can't talk. But people just talk. Teach her very specifically what to do when you tell her 'no'. Practice together--each taking the part of parent and child.

Any time that you see her doing it right (handling "no" correctly) stop everything and praise her. "Wow! That was so great! I know that you really wanted that toy but you didn't scream even a little bit!" etc., etc. All the attention and reward shifts to the positive behavior.

When you know what you're going to do, you don't have to get ruffled or emabarrassed. Just carry out your plan and when she calms down, smile, give a hug and say, "I'm glad you're happy now. Remember...we never scream."

Good luck!

With love,

Jane

How Do I Breathe?

The Questions:
Dear Jane,

My name is Natalie. It is 1040pm and I can't sleep as I reflect on my day with a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and I am 20 days away from giving birth to our 3rd child. We struggled with infertility for 6 years and after 6 long years of waiting came a precious little girl by way of adoption, Whitney. Shortly after her birth we found out we were pregnant with our first biological child, Michael, who turns 1 this month. Having been told by my OBGYN that I still had about a 3% chance of getting pregnant after Michael, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child to be born this month. Whew!, I'm exhausted. I still totally and completely feel like a first time mom and when other moms with 3 children get together, I still feel like the "greenie" in the bunch to say the least.

A friend recommended your website and I read it with admiration for all the great advice, with wonder at what other moms are going through and with awe at the patience that everyone has for their children (or maybe it just sounds like that in writing.)

I have 3 questions for you along with a little background on each...

1. Like I said, it's 1040pm...I feel like this is the first time I have sighed a relief all day...as both my kids are asleep, my husband is asleep and the baby is kicking away. I feel like I hold my breath in anticipation all day. My shoulders hurt from the stress and I don't feel relaxed at all. I'm sure my children can feel the stress, but I just don't know how to relieve it. My 2 yr old (i have been told) needs to be put in Montessori school for discipline. Apparently in nursery, she can't drink out of a cup and is more rambunctious than the others. I can attest to her energy as I feel it at home all day long. I just don't know what to say to others as I am clueless as to how to hone all this energy myself. She is a fireball. I am on my toes all day long, rarely sit (really!) and cannot prevent enough accidents and problems. For example...I have NOTHING below the 5 ft mark in my house, she can open sliding doors (those now have dowels in them that she knows how to remove), all bathrooms have 2 locks on them, everything is kid proofed 2x's, I can put ingredients for cookies on the counter and I turn away to help child #2 (still in the kitchen) or to go to the bathroom with the door open and she'll reach the butter, smear it all over the bookshelf and books, have it all over herself in less than a minute. We have no chairs out, we use folding chairs and put them in a closet after every meal even before getting her down from the table. I fear leaving the house and even have anxiety going over to other people's houses when I know their child isn't as "crazy" as mine or their house isn't child proofed. I only go to stores where they can both be strapped into the seat (mainly Costco and the grocery store with the double seats.) People comment all the time about what a crazy child I have and it's not like I sit at home and teach her to bounce off the walls. I RARELY give her sugar anything and cringe when other people do. It is SO stressful to not be able to turn my back for a second. I feel like this relays to my 1 yr old. He has just learned to walk and almost keep up with her and he gets so excited to follow her and get into whatever she is into. He is a lot more low-key but is a little "follower"...if she is doing it, he'll attempt it, but he would prob. not do the same thing on his own. I am at a loss of how to "control" or hone her energy. People ask if I do playdoh or crayons or activities with her at home and I would love to but the mess and the struggle I have with her is not worth the energy and exhaustion and the mess. She is very strong willed and has learned from somewhere (because this behavior isn't taught or displayed by my husband or I) to kick, hit, scream, throw herself on the ground, etc...I don't know how to stop it. We use time outs and an occasional spanking with her for bad behavior. Because she is so energetic, strong willed and a go-go-go child...I do A LOT of one-on-one quiet activities with her like reading books, singing songs, learning the alphabet and numbers, teaching her whispering games, etc. My husband and I are pretty active but not loud or crazy, so I know that a lot of this is nature not nuture. Oh, what to do, I am at a loss? Bottom line for this question is...how do I take a breath during the day? How do I get to the end of my day without feeling like giving up? In hindsight EVERYDAY, I think, I should have been more patient, I should have tried this...but quite frankly, with a husband that has a job that is very demanding, I feel like a single parent and that I am doing the very best I can. As I am writing how crazy this is, I realize I am holding my breath...does it ever get easier?

2. With so many parents around knowing that I am a new parent with my hands very full, I often get caught in their trap when they comment on my rambunctious kids. I love my kids and as much energy as they have, I am EXTREMELY grateful for them, thank God every day for his blessings to us and I just cannot imagine not having them in my life. But when friends or neighbors or ward members see us chasing our kids around like chickens with our heads cut off and comment about our crazy existence, we often find ourselves caught up in the explanation and I often feel bad when leaving that I did not support or talk more positively about my children. For example, someone after sacrament meeting seeing BOTH OF US chase them around in the hall for the FULL HOUR...will say, how are you every going to do it with 3 this close? What are you going to do with that Whitney? or What are you guys thinking having kids this close? Birth control? or most of the time it's usually a negative comment about Whitney. Instead of not commenting or brushing it off...my reply usually starts off with a sigh as I corral one of my kids or am battling them on my hip, etc. I just wish I left people with an impression that this was easier, or that I enjoyed it more...or that they didn't encourage the sigh or the craziness they see at the start of a conversation about how hard my life is, it only exacerbates the chaos. Hmmm...this is a tough one for me. How do I show the very best side of me and my children and let people know that I really did sign up for this (maybe not all at once but HF is the only one with that control) and let them walk away not thinking that I am not cut out for this or don't want this?

3. My husband was in the construction industry before the economy went south. He had a great job and we were doing well. He lost 2 management jobs last year due to the economy and because of this stress, we made the decision after some thought/prayer to change his career path. He is now in management at a financial institution, a very different direction than we had hoped and probably not where we want to stay long term. That said, to make ends meet he commutes 2 hours a day (1 hr 1 way) and works ON AVERAGE 10 hr days. Most days he leaves around 6am and doesn't get home until 7pm. He goes to school on Saturdays all day and some weekday evenings. Our main family time is on Sundays or when I keep the kids up late to see him during the work week. I really struggle with not complaining (esp around my kids even though they might not understand) and maybe the pregnancy makes it extra worse, but I feel like a "single parent." I often have the thought in the back of my head, "is this what I signed up for?" I really am having a hard time with no breaks, expressing my love all the time with my kids and being patient and always being on my "best mom behavior." I feel like with no down time at all (i only get a shower if I get up when my husband is getting ready at 5am and take one because the kids are not on the same nap schedule as hard as I try) I have many a sleepless nights wondering how to be a better mom when I feel so depleted and quite frankly at this young age where they don't really express gratitude a whole lot...very under appreciated. I know, I know...woe is me. I always said in the 6 yrs we were childless that I would never take being a parent for granted and I would always love my children and have the utmost patience with them and I would look at mom's yelling at their kids in the grocery store and say...never, no never would I do that. And then just a month ago...big and pregnant, in one of those race car grocery carts, Whitney grabs the 18 ct eggs from the cart in front (which is so hard to reach, btw) and she just starts chucking the eggs across the aisle, at people, at food on the shelves...she got to all the eggs before I could reach her and manage to grab them away from her. I have never seen a bigger display, struggle or mess in a grocery store EVER. And my I lost my temper...yep, in front of everyone. And that wasn't the worst of it...the worst part was trying to get someone to help me, as I wrangled a terrible two temper tantrum on a sticky gooey messy, egg-y kid and try to calm my other crying child who had been pelted with eggs from his car seat. Whew...once again...I find myself holding my breath as I write this.

Well, now that you've read this BOOK...I wonder what advice you have for a crazy, losing her mind mom of almost 3. I do realize that things seem worse with pregnancy hormones. But quite frankly, I rarely leave the house with these 2 and I hyperventilate wondering how I will EVER leave the house with 3! I told my parents since the ripe old babysitting age of 12 that I always wanted to have 10-12 kids...my aunt and uncle in Utah when we were growing up had 8 and I thought it was the funnest, most amazing family ever and I always wanted to be just like them. Now, on my 3rd, I wonder how I will go on to 4...how do mom's do this? Is it my personality that can't handle this many? Is it just so much change at once that it's brought me to needing to seek psychiatric help? Is it the lack of support from my husband right now in his career and life? I don't know. All I know is that my dreams of having a big family are quickly being dashed and I look forward to a day when my children will be able to appreciate all we are going through to get them here and hope that they won't be traumatized from the quickness of having them all at once and so close together. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I am on my knees quite often asking these questions to my HF...but thought I'd ask you too for I love the encouraging responses from other writers/readers.

I'm hoping there are other moms out there like me, surely I can't be all alone...I know our story is unusual but not unimaginable. People often compare our situation to triplets and I can't help but thinking that that would be easier...weird I know...but at least they are all on the same page at the same time...or at least I think they would be. Is the grass always greener on the other side? My book is done. I will leave these questions to your great minds to answer or ponder. Thanks for your time.

Holding my Breath,

Natalie

The Answer:

Dear Natalie,

Before we talk about your life--which is extremely difficult right now--I want to tell you that I so appreciate your honesty and humility and your desire to be a good mother. You have a pure heart and I wish I could offer you what you really need--an assistant!

Your life is extremely challenging. You have a number of factors that make is so. I read through your letter several times and gave it a lot of thought and here's what I think. Yes, three children under 3 are challenging. An absent husband makes is doubly difficult. Financial worries add greatly to the stress. But I believe you could manage all of that if you could resolve your core problem--your 2 year old daughter. Her behavior causes you almost constant anxiety and embarrassment. Two-year-olds are known for their spunk and mischief but your daughter really seems to be taking it to a new level.

She is the person I'd like to focus on first, because I feel that if she becomes manageable, you will be able to ride out the rough year ahead. I'm wondering why she is so out of control. While you've given many good examples of her negative behavior, I'm not sure what is at the root of it. Was she a difficult baby? What are your feelings toward her? Does she connect at all or accept limits? Does she receive affection from you? I've thought a lot about what I would do in your position and this is what I think. I'd have her completely evaluated. Maybe she has some difficulties or problems that need attention. Discuss your concerns with a doctor that you trust and find out what he recommends. She was adopted and may have issues--genetic or in utero that need to be addressed.

Maybe you will find that she is just a very normal active 2 year old. If that's the case, then I would put my energy into forming a stronger connection with her and setting some simple, clear limits. It sounds like you've set up an environment (for your survival) that doesn't require her to control herself. You can help her to have tiny successes with self-control. Help her to feel competent and responsible even in small ways. Teach her continually. Teach her carefully how to drink from a cup, how to walk in a store, what things she may touch. Shower her with praise and physical affection. Don't just do things with her--build a bond of love. This process may seem exhausting, but it isn't half as exhausting as what you're dealing with now. You're spending all of your energy putting out her fires. Turn it around so you are in control and you're helping her to succeed.

She obviously needs great supervision. And this is not going to be an easy year for you. I've had a few of those "extreme years". But time passes. Your daughter will mature. Your husband will finish school and things will ease up. This is a year (or two) for hunkering down and giving your best. Your husband (and you) will find out what your made of. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. Let them think what they will and stop letting that add to your stress. This is your life, your family. True, it isn't the calm, unruffled life you had two years ago. It isn't the tidy car and house. It's much more meaningful than that--and therefore, much more difficult. Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.

Now, from a practical standpoint-- recognizing that you are in a state of emergency (a year-long state of emergency) you need to do everything you can to equip yourself to weather it well.

List everything that is hard about your life and brainstorm with your husband and pray together to find solutions.

Discuss each child and develop some positive plans.

Discuss ways to become as organized and stream-lined as possible.

Figure out how you're going to get out once a week by yourself, how you can have time together, what you can do for each other that brings real comfort and relaxation.

Find some outside support. Do you have any family members that can come in regularly to help you for a while? Don't be afraid to ask church members or friends. You won't always need support but for the next little while, I think you really do.

It helps to realize that this "extreme time" will pass. This isn't forever. It's a year or two. I think of the early pioneers who signed up for a long, arduous trek so they could wind up in the middle of nowhere and build something out of nothing. They signed up for two or three very difficult years in the hopes that they were accomplishing something great and worthwhile. They were! And so are you. You can do this, so believe that you can. Each of your small efforts are moving you forward. That great family that you knew in Utah and wanted for yourself-- didn't become "fun and amazing" overnight. That family developed over years and years and was the result of endless teaching and enormous sacrifice by a father and a mother.

I know from experience that the Lord will make you equal to your life. I very much want your success.

With Love,

Jane