How Do I Learn To Like Motherhood?

The Question:

 

As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room and shut the world out, be left alone with my thoughts and just be me. I hated it when my little sister would even touch me.  I need space.

 

Now that I'm a mother, I feel those same things yet don't get to lock myself in my room.  To top it off I have never been a very nurturing person yet not long after getting married, I wanted to have kids.  Now I have 3 kids (ages 8,6, &3) and feel like it's almost too much.  Some days I wake up asking myself what in the WORLD I was thinking having 3 kids?  Being a loving mom just doesn't come naturally to me. at. all.  I try and I try but it's almost against my nature.  It's hard for me not to compare myself to other moms who claim that they "just love being a mom" etc.  I feel like something is wrong with me because Some days I HATE being a mom.  When I leave on vacation without my kids, I don't really miss them.  It's hard to admit this as a member of the Church striving to magnify my calling as a mother.  I feel like this is not the norm.    I have read zillions of parenting books and am always working at improving but... I don't know how to LOVE (or even like) motherhood.  I wish I was the kind of mom that could handle 11 kids like yourself but I'm not and that makes me sad and frustrated.  So how do I learn to like motherhood?

 

The Answer:

 

Dear friend,

 

I am probably not the best one to answer this question.  I was born for motherhood.  I know that and I know that it's been a blessing for me.  The very thing I'm supposed to do--the very role that I am supposed to embrace, just happens to be my first love.  So a person like me gets all kinds of affirmation in the church.  My heart really does go out to people who struggle with this role and expectation and who just don't find the joy they keep hearing about.  I have a few thoughts and I'd like to invite readers to share their experiences in this area.

 

You already have children and they only have one mother, and one childhood.  You need to learn to really know and love your children.  You just can't give in to the self-doubts you're experiencing.  Nurturing is a skill that can be learned and love has a source.   Pray that your heart may be made tender toward each of your children.  You are the single most important person in their lives.  Your approval, your affirmation of them, your knowledge and acceptance of their uniqueness will stay with them throughout their lives.  If there is emptiness and coldness in your relationship with them, they will be injured.  You might feel like you really can't help that.  You don't feel it so what can you do?   You can invest yourself in a different way than you are now investing.  Maybe you are just very custodial.  Feeding them.  Cleaning the house.  Hauling them around.  Noticing all the ways they drive you crazy--arguing, undoing what you've done, talking back, etc.  But just step back.  Look at each child individually.  What is on their mind?  Who are they?  What is their world like?   Picture yourself building a visible bond.  Every time you smile at them, hug or touch or laugh at something together, you are strengthening the bond.  Be alone with each one and talk about things.  Just look right into their eyes and listen intently.  While you're listening, think that you love them, that they are precious.  They will see that thought in your eyes.  You might feel awkward about this.  Maybe you aren't a touchy feely kind of person.  But children really are and they interpret little gestures like a gentle hand on their back or a genuine smile to mean, "I love you."  I guess what I'm really getting at, is just force yourself to go through the motions of eye contact, touch and smiling with a light in your eyes until you begin to feel it.  Realize that you are feeding your child in a very real way.  This is nurturing.

 

Put yourself on a two week plan of going through the nurturing motions that I've described.  Take each child on an outing alone during the two weeks.  Do something fun like bowling or hiking or hunting for some special treasure with them at a thrift store.  When you get back home, don't go right into the house.  Just stay in the car.  Tell them that you've had such a good time with them and express your love.  Also during the two weeks, compliment each of them each day.  Focus on the good things they do.  Picture that you are building a bond.  Try not to raise your voice or look at them in way that communicates disdain.  If they misbehave, take them individually into another room and talk to them.  Hold their hand and talk to them. 

 

This is your family.  A family is different from any other project or accomplishment because it is an eternal, living thing.  It extends on for generations.  If you can make the sacrifice to learn to nurture, you'll not only be building emotionally healthy children, but you'll be teaching them how to nurture the generation that follows.  And I really can't describe to you the return on this investment of yourself.  Your children will not always be small.  They will grow to love you if you first love them.      My children still at home--ages 16, 14, 11 and 9 are genuinely soothing to me.  I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day--like good friends.  They aren't any better than your children!  I loved them every day.  Now they love me.

One final note...sometimes we fill our lives with hobbies or pursuits that produce more immediate rewards.  If we aren't careful, we start to resent our children and see them as obstructions to the things that bring us real pleasure.  The key is to discover pleasure in our children--to make them central, to genuinely value them during the relatively short time that they are in our home. 

 The day will come that you will be free to spend whole days any way you want-- you can travel, go to school, or go in your room and shut the door  But today, you are a mother.  I challenge you to come out and keep trying.  I know that the Lord will bless your efforts.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Turning to the Lord

Dear Readers,

My heart is tender tonight as I write to you. I just have one thing that I want to communicate to you and I want you to absolutely know it. There is no book you’ll read or blog or expert or philosophy of man that begins to approach the help available to you from the Lord. He is real and he loves your children.

It is possible to go about your life as a parent without ever turning to the Lord for help. You can rely on others—or on your own thoughts and ideas. But I want you to know that the Lord is fully engaged in the success of your family. He knows your children entirely—their strengths, their struggles and their mission in life. He loves them with a perfect love and can offer you clear insights that are tailored to each one. These insights come in many forms, but I have learned to recognize them and once I receive one, I move forward with a perfect knowledge that it will benefit my child.

For example, let’s say that I have a 3 year old that is physically aggressive. Maybe it’s a growing problem and I’ve tried a number of solutions to no avail. Lots of people offer suggestions and I begin to wonder if my child really has a serious problem. In a humbled state, I ask the Lord for help. Or as Nephi so often did, I “cry to the Lord” for help on their behalf.

For me, answers rarely come while I am on my knees. But as the day—or the next few days progress, I will receive help.

Most often, this help comes in the form of understanding—I will be able to see just how my child is viewing things—his perspective. Children rarely think the way we do as adults so this insight helps me get to the root of the problem.

With this broader perspective will come an idea or several ideas that will formulate into a plan. I’ll feel an excitement to carry out this plan—knowing that it came from the Lord.

I will almost always experience a softening of heart toward my child. His strengths will seem more apparent. I might even have feelings of awe toward him—and a new tenderness.

Along with these insights, I will find that I am expanded personally—my patience, my wisdom and my ability to meet the challenge. And this is good because some of these challenges are not going to be over soon or solved in a day. You might have a child with a disability or some other ongoing struggle. Only the Lord can offer you the long-term help and enabling power you will need.

Listen to this great promise: “…if it so be that the children of men (we, as mothers) keep the commandments of God (agree to have children and are trying to raise them in righteousness) he doth nourish them, and strengthen them and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them.” (1 Nephi 17:3) Knowing this, we don’t ever need to feel isolated. We can know without any doubt that we will be helped, inspired, and expanded in every situation.

Many women struggle with feelings that they don’t have time to grow spiritually with all the demands of motherhood. But this process of praying for help, expecting it and acting on it, will build a “living” faith that will become your anchor. When really hard times come—and I’ve had some, and so have you—you will not feel alone. Because you really aren’t.

Besides these specific petitions for help, I encourage you to begin each day with prayer. I know that sometimes your days start before you’re really ready for them. You wake up to a crying baby or a needy child. But as soon as you can-- and maybe it will just be for a minute or two, go into your room, close the door and say a prayer. I guarantee you’ll feel a wash of peace. I have long had a routine of saying my morning prayer when I make my bed. I hum a hymn or primary song while I’m making my bed (opening song) and then I pray.

I am just an ordinary person with extra weaknesses and pettiness and struggles. But I’ve learned over the years that mothers have power with the heavens. The Lord seems quick to honor a humble mother. I know and testify that “I can do all things through Christ, which strengthened me.” Philippians 4:13

With all my love,

Jane

How Do I Breathe?

The Questions:
Dear Jane,

My name is Natalie. It is 1040pm and I can't sleep as I reflect on my day with a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and I am 20 days away from giving birth to our 3rd child. We struggled with infertility for 6 years and after 6 long years of waiting came a precious little girl by way of adoption, Whitney. Shortly after her birth we found out we were pregnant with our first biological child, Michael, who turns 1 this month. Having been told by my OBGYN that I still had about a 3% chance of getting pregnant after Michael, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child to be born this month. Whew!, I'm exhausted. I still totally and completely feel like a first time mom and when other moms with 3 children get together, I still feel like the "greenie" in the bunch to say the least.

A friend recommended your website and I read it with admiration for all the great advice, with wonder at what other moms are going through and with awe at the patience that everyone has for their children (or maybe it just sounds like that in writing.)

I have 3 questions for you along with a little background on each...

1. Like I said, it's 1040pm...I feel like this is the first time I have sighed a relief all day...as both my kids are asleep, my husband is asleep and the baby is kicking away. I feel like I hold my breath in anticipation all day. My shoulders hurt from the stress and I don't feel relaxed at all. I'm sure my children can feel the stress, but I just don't know how to relieve it. My 2 yr old (i have been told) needs to be put in Montessori school for discipline. Apparently in nursery, she can't drink out of a cup and is more rambunctious than the others. I can attest to her energy as I feel it at home all day long. I just don't know what to say to others as I am clueless as to how to hone all this energy myself. She is a fireball. I am on my toes all day long, rarely sit (really!) and cannot prevent enough accidents and problems. For example...I have NOTHING below the 5 ft mark in my house, she can open sliding doors (those now have dowels in them that she knows how to remove), all bathrooms have 2 locks on them, everything is kid proofed 2x's, I can put ingredients for cookies on the counter and I turn away to help child #2 (still in the kitchen) or to go to the bathroom with the door open and she'll reach the butter, smear it all over the bookshelf and books, have it all over herself in less than a minute. We have no chairs out, we use folding chairs and put them in a closet after every meal even before getting her down from the table. I fear leaving the house and even have anxiety going over to other people's houses when I know their child isn't as "crazy" as mine or their house isn't child proofed. I only go to stores where they can both be strapped into the seat (mainly Costco and the grocery store with the double seats.) People comment all the time about what a crazy child I have and it's not like I sit at home and teach her to bounce off the walls. I RARELY give her sugar anything and cringe when other people do. It is SO stressful to not be able to turn my back for a second. I feel like this relays to my 1 yr old. He has just learned to walk and almost keep up with her and he gets so excited to follow her and get into whatever she is into. He is a lot more low-key but is a little "follower"...if she is doing it, he'll attempt it, but he would prob. not do the same thing on his own. I am at a loss of how to "control" or hone her energy. People ask if I do playdoh or crayons or activities with her at home and I would love to but the mess and the struggle I have with her is not worth the energy and exhaustion and the mess. She is very strong willed and has learned from somewhere (because this behavior isn't taught or displayed by my husband or I) to kick, hit, scream, throw herself on the ground, etc...I don't know how to stop it. We use time outs and an occasional spanking with her for bad behavior. Because she is so energetic, strong willed and a go-go-go child...I do A LOT of one-on-one quiet activities with her like reading books, singing songs, learning the alphabet and numbers, teaching her whispering games, etc. My husband and I are pretty active but not loud or crazy, so I know that a lot of this is nature not nuture. Oh, what to do, I am at a loss? Bottom line for this question is...how do I take a breath during the day? How do I get to the end of my day without feeling like giving up? In hindsight EVERYDAY, I think, I should have been more patient, I should have tried this...but quite frankly, with a husband that has a job that is very demanding, I feel like a single parent and that I am doing the very best I can. As I am writing how crazy this is, I realize I am holding my breath...does it ever get easier?

2. With so many parents around knowing that I am a new parent with my hands very full, I often get caught in their trap when they comment on my rambunctious kids. I love my kids and as much energy as they have, I am EXTREMELY grateful for them, thank God every day for his blessings to us and I just cannot imagine not having them in my life. But when friends or neighbors or ward members see us chasing our kids around like chickens with our heads cut off and comment about our crazy existence, we often find ourselves caught up in the explanation and I often feel bad when leaving that I did not support or talk more positively about my children. For example, someone after sacrament meeting seeing BOTH OF US chase them around in the hall for the FULL HOUR...will say, how are you every going to do it with 3 this close? What are you going to do with that Whitney? or What are you guys thinking having kids this close? Birth control? or most of the time it's usually a negative comment about Whitney. Instead of not commenting or brushing it off...my reply usually starts off with a sigh as I corral one of my kids or am battling them on my hip, etc. I just wish I left people with an impression that this was easier, or that I enjoyed it more...or that they didn't encourage the sigh or the craziness they see at the start of a conversation about how hard my life is, it only exacerbates the chaos. Hmmm...this is a tough one for me. How do I show the very best side of me and my children and let people know that I really did sign up for this (maybe not all at once but HF is the only one with that control) and let them walk away not thinking that I am not cut out for this or don't want this?

3. My husband was in the construction industry before the economy went south. He had a great job and we were doing well. He lost 2 management jobs last year due to the economy and because of this stress, we made the decision after some thought/prayer to change his career path. He is now in management at a financial institution, a very different direction than we had hoped and probably not where we want to stay long term. That said, to make ends meet he commutes 2 hours a day (1 hr 1 way) and works ON AVERAGE 10 hr days. Most days he leaves around 6am and doesn't get home until 7pm. He goes to school on Saturdays all day and some weekday evenings. Our main family time is on Sundays or when I keep the kids up late to see him during the work week. I really struggle with not complaining (esp around my kids even though they might not understand) and maybe the pregnancy makes it extra worse, but I feel like a "single parent." I often have the thought in the back of my head, "is this what I signed up for?" I really am having a hard time with no breaks, expressing my love all the time with my kids and being patient and always being on my "best mom behavior." I feel like with no down time at all (i only get a shower if I get up when my husband is getting ready at 5am and take one because the kids are not on the same nap schedule as hard as I try) I have many a sleepless nights wondering how to be a better mom when I feel so depleted and quite frankly at this young age where they don't really express gratitude a whole lot...very under appreciated. I know, I know...woe is me. I always said in the 6 yrs we were childless that I would never take being a parent for granted and I would always love my children and have the utmost patience with them and I would look at mom's yelling at their kids in the grocery store and say...never, no never would I do that. And then just a month ago...big and pregnant, in one of those race car grocery carts, Whitney grabs the 18 ct eggs from the cart in front (which is so hard to reach, btw) and she just starts chucking the eggs across the aisle, at people, at food on the shelves...she got to all the eggs before I could reach her and manage to grab them away from her. I have never seen a bigger display, struggle or mess in a grocery store EVER. And my I lost my temper...yep, in front of everyone. And that wasn't the worst of it...the worst part was trying to get someone to help me, as I wrangled a terrible two temper tantrum on a sticky gooey messy, egg-y kid and try to calm my other crying child who had been pelted with eggs from his car seat. Whew...once again...I find myself holding my breath as I write this.

Well, now that you've read this BOOK...I wonder what advice you have for a crazy, losing her mind mom of almost 3. I do realize that things seem worse with pregnancy hormones. But quite frankly, I rarely leave the house with these 2 and I hyperventilate wondering how I will EVER leave the house with 3! I told my parents since the ripe old babysitting age of 12 that I always wanted to have 10-12 kids...my aunt and uncle in Utah when we were growing up had 8 and I thought it was the funnest, most amazing family ever and I always wanted to be just like them. Now, on my 3rd, I wonder how I will go on to 4...how do mom's do this? Is it my personality that can't handle this many? Is it just so much change at once that it's brought me to needing to seek psychiatric help? Is it the lack of support from my husband right now in his career and life? I don't know. All I know is that my dreams of having a big family are quickly being dashed and I look forward to a day when my children will be able to appreciate all we are going through to get them here and hope that they won't be traumatized from the quickness of having them all at once and so close together. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I am on my knees quite often asking these questions to my HF...but thought I'd ask you too for I love the encouraging responses from other writers/readers.

I'm hoping there are other moms out there like me, surely I can't be all alone...I know our story is unusual but not unimaginable. People often compare our situation to triplets and I can't help but thinking that that would be easier...weird I know...but at least they are all on the same page at the same time...or at least I think they would be. Is the grass always greener on the other side? My book is done. I will leave these questions to your great minds to answer or ponder. Thanks for your time.

Holding my Breath,

Natalie

The Answer:

Dear Natalie,

Before we talk about your life--which is extremely difficult right now--I want to tell you that I so appreciate your honesty and humility and your desire to be a good mother. You have a pure heart and I wish I could offer you what you really need--an assistant!

Your life is extremely challenging. You have a number of factors that make is so. I read through your letter several times and gave it a lot of thought and here's what I think. Yes, three children under 3 are challenging. An absent husband makes is doubly difficult. Financial worries add greatly to the stress. But I believe you could manage all of that if you could resolve your core problem--your 2 year old daughter. Her behavior causes you almost constant anxiety and embarrassment. Two-year-olds are known for their spunk and mischief but your daughter really seems to be taking it to a new level.

She is the person I'd like to focus on first, because I feel that if she becomes manageable, you will be able to ride out the rough year ahead. I'm wondering why she is so out of control. While you've given many good examples of her negative behavior, I'm not sure what is at the root of it. Was she a difficult baby? What are your feelings toward her? Does she connect at all or accept limits? Does she receive affection from you? I've thought a lot about what I would do in your position and this is what I think. I'd have her completely evaluated. Maybe she has some difficulties or problems that need attention. Discuss your concerns with a doctor that you trust and find out what he recommends. She was adopted and may have issues--genetic or in utero that need to be addressed.

Maybe you will find that she is just a very normal active 2 year old. If that's the case, then I would put my energy into forming a stronger connection with her and setting some simple, clear limits. It sounds like you've set up an environment (for your survival) that doesn't require her to control herself. You can help her to have tiny successes with self-control. Help her to feel competent and responsible even in small ways. Teach her continually. Teach her carefully how to drink from a cup, how to walk in a store, what things she may touch. Shower her with praise and physical affection. Don't just do things with her--build a bond of love. This process may seem exhausting, but it isn't half as exhausting as what you're dealing with now. You're spending all of your energy putting out her fires. Turn it around so you are in control and you're helping her to succeed.

She obviously needs great supervision. And this is not going to be an easy year for you. I've had a few of those "extreme years". But time passes. Your daughter will mature. Your husband will finish school and things will ease up. This is a year (or two) for hunkering down and giving your best. Your husband (and you) will find out what your made of. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. Let them think what they will and stop letting that add to your stress. This is your life, your family. True, it isn't the calm, unruffled life you had two years ago. It isn't the tidy car and house. It's much more meaningful than that--and therefore, much more difficult. Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.

Now, from a practical standpoint-- recognizing that you are in a state of emergency (a year-long state of emergency) you need to do everything you can to equip yourself to weather it well.

List everything that is hard about your life and brainstorm with your husband and pray together to find solutions.

Discuss each child and develop some positive plans.

Discuss ways to become as organized and stream-lined as possible.

Figure out how you're going to get out once a week by yourself, how you can have time together, what you can do for each other that brings real comfort and relaxation.

Find some outside support. Do you have any family members that can come in regularly to help you for a while? Don't be afraid to ask church members or friends. You won't always need support but for the next little while, I think you really do.

It helps to realize that this "extreme time" will pass. This isn't forever. It's a year or two. I think of the early pioneers who signed up for a long, arduous trek so they could wind up in the middle of nowhere and build something out of nothing. They signed up for two or three very difficult years in the hopes that they were accomplishing something great and worthwhile. They were! And so are you. You can do this, so believe that you can. Each of your small efforts are moving you forward. That great family that you knew in Utah and wanted for yourself-- didn't become "fun and amazing" overnight. That family developed over years and years and was the result of endless teaching and enormous sacrifice by a father and a mother.

I know from experience that the Lord will make you equal to your life. I very much want your success.

With Love,

Jane

Exercise in the Midst of Motherhood?

The Question:

How do you get exercise when your kids are really little? As I've asked this same question of friends and family, their solutions don't always work for me and my situation. Some have their husband watch the kids while they get away to exercise, but my husband is in school all day and studying at home...I can't really ask that of him at this stage of our lives. Some say they join a gym with babysitting, but the student budget doesn't allow for such splurges. I used to take them along in the stroller and speedwalk at the mall, but that was when there were two who fit in a double stroller. Now that there are three, I can't spring for a triple stroller. I tried making the oldest walk along side but his four year old legs couldn't keep a pace that made me feel like I was getting any real exercise. He doesn't yet peddle a bike fast enough to create a workout, either. Do you have any suggestions? -Heidi

The Answer:

I have just four words for you--"The 30 Day Shred". It's a short but powerful workout video. It's done in levels so you can move up and kids love doing it with you. It's not for sissys. My college-age daughters love it and are challenged by it. My daughter-in-law, Andy has been doing it all through her third pregnancy. I think I paid about ten dollars for it on Half.com and it's one of the very few videos I've bought that has delivered my money's worth and then some.

Some other suggestions: I used to take a brisk walk with my friend for a half an hour after my kids were in bed. It was dark alright and I never felt like putting my shoes on at the end of a long day. But I was always glad when I got going.

If you're an early riser, you might prefer exercising before your husband leaves in the morning. Several young mothers I know meet at daylight and walk or run for 45 minutes.

You might mix it up. Run when you can and do the video when you can't.

I was never a faithful runner until I was finished with pregnancy and nursing. Trust me, that was a lot of years of hit or miss exercise. I'm not sure I would have had the energy to go every day back then. It was such a happy surprise to find that I was still intact enough to start a program at my age. So don't push too hard. Just do what you can and if you stay active, play with your kids, run up and down the stairs and watch your diet, you'll stay in remarkably good shape considering the amount of time you are able to put into it.

Good Luck,

Jane

Feeling Overwhelmed?

The Question:

my question has to do with with feeling overwhelmed. i always wanted a big family, but i have 3 children now & often feel "how could i have more? i'm so overwhelmed." i try to stay simple, but it seems that no matter what "stuff" enters in. the worst part is that when i get overwhelmed i feel that i'm not the mother i should or want to be. i get impatient & do not cherish the beautiful time in my life that this is. i want more children, but i sometimes fear that i become less of a mom to each child with the more i have.

so i guess my question for you is how do i not get overwhelmed? there are so many things to take care of, to think of, to plan ahead for, etc. how do i stay peaceful amongst it all?

thank-you! thank-you! -courtney

The Answer:

One of the things that makes motherhood so overwhelming is that it never stops. It keeps coming at us day and night. We wake up to the same routines, sometimes having had only a few hours of sleep. Often, we heap on that-- financial worries, an argument with a husband, feelings of isolation or troubles with extended family. We may find ourselves feeling not just overwhelmed but disillusioned with the choice we’ve made and, worse, disappointed with ourselves because we aren’t better at it.


These feelings, when you give in to them, are actually the greatest threat to your success. I repeat, it’s those feelings that are the greatest threat—much more than your actual circumstances. They halt you in your tracks. You want and need to be propelled forward! Here are my suggestions.

Do something about it. Don’t you love the scene in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers where Millie turns the pig pen of a cabin into a real home and revolutionizes the table manners and brings civility to the chaos? In much the same way, you can step back from your overwhelming situation and ask, “What is it that’s getting me down?” Is it the clutter, the disobedience, the lack of support, my appearance, the dirty kitchen floor? List everything that’s bothering you and then change things. You are creating a little world here. You can improve relationships, plan a weekly night out, organize a play group, clear out clutter, rearrange the bedrooms, put flowers on the table.

Somewhere along the line, I made the discovery that what I didn’t do actually overwhelmed me more than what I did. Walking by that weed-filled flower bed twice a day was so much more overwhelming than just going out there and weeding it. It took 20 minutes. It felt good. I felt better. It usually led to sweeping the sidewalk and washing the front door. If your overwhelmed feeling revolves around lonliness, find a walking partner--just 20 minutes in the evening does wonders, start a book club or have an honest discussion with your husband that lays out concretely what you need and what might help. "I need to go out with you every week." "I'd like some time to myself for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoons." I've learned that most husbands aren't good at guessing but they're willing to support us when we're clear about our needs.

Here are a couple of practical habits I adopted at some point, that changed everything for me:

*Do something toward dinner in the morning. Just decide what you’re having and thaw the chicken or start the salad. There is nothing worse than 4:00, tired kids, husband coming home and no plans for dinner. You’ll feel better all day if dinner is in the works.


*Whenever possible, Don’t wake up to yesterday. When the kids are finally in bed, do a quick pick up of the house, make sure the kitchen table is empty, and start the dishwasher. I know….you’re too tired for that. But just do it anyway. You’ll get your second wind and it will feel good to do something that will not be undone while you’re doing it. You’ll be able to start the day fresh. Maybe your husband will help you and you can watch a movie afterwards (while you fall asleep.)

*If at all possible, get up a half an hour before the kids do. Have a good prayer, make your bed, get dressed, start breakfast. Just plan that you'll rest in the afternoon but there's no substitute for productive mornings.

I know what you’re thinking. That I’m one of those Chihuahua type women with boundless energy. Not so. I’m actually quite anemic and even sort of lazy. But I’ve learned that a little energy well-placed changes everything.

One final and perhaps the most important thought is this: Never lose the vision of what you’re really doing. It’s big. There are no shortcuts to the family you want. It’s going to take all you’ve got. But the whole process is a good one and the whole outcome is amazing. Keep before you, the vision of what you want your home to be today and what you want the final outcome to be. Then keep reaching for it. As the days go by, you'll have more and more satisfying moments. Home really can be a heaven on earth. Pray aways and be believing.

Love, Jane

And, by the way, three children was my hardest phase by far.

How Do You Stay Motivated?

The Question:

You are a very disciplined person. You set goals, come up with things that will make your family better, decide to make a change, and you stick with it. Talk to me about this ability. How do you do it? How do you not allow the craziness of life to throw you off course?

The Answer: Staying the Course

That's quite a compliment and I'm not sure it's deserved. You know better than anyone the many programs I've instituted that have been short-lived. But I have two thoughts about this that I hope will be helpful.

First, commit. I run most every morning with two or three partners. We meet at 6:00 am and go five miles. I've been doing this for about 5 years now. Running has taught me something very important about goal setting in other areas of my life. It's the great, wonderful secret to success. You have to absolutely commit to the chosen goal for 21 days, no matter what. So many people have joined our little running group over the years and they are very excited for about three days. Then they push themselves and stick for another three or four days. Then we never see them again. The reason 21 days is such a magic number is not just that you've formed a habit. It's that you begin to feel the benefits in your life. You really start to look forward to it. The soreness subsides, the hills don't bowl you over, you start to enjoy the fresh air, the birds, the sunshine. You've crossed that terrible chasm of rationalization and excuses and made it to a truly pleasant place.

The same formula applies to everything. Scripture study "beginneth to be delicious". Your family begins to enjoy the benefits of doing daily chores, caring for a garden or keeping the Sabbath Day holy. After you begin to experience the true benefits of your goal (the things you were hoping for when you set the goal in the first place), you don't have to keep motivating yourself. You look forward to doing it.

Just plan on a rough 21 days. Maybe it will be surprisingly less. And don't set too many goals or resolutions at once. This year, I decided that rather than form a huge list, I'd decide on one thing---just the one single change that I know will be the most life-changing for me. It might sound silly but it's to spend 10 minutes every night planning out the next day. Not really a schedule but a list of things I really want to accomplish. I've loved it so far. Spending those quiet moments thinking about what to fix for dinner, what my children need from me and how I might extend service beyond my family. It hasn't been even close to 21 days--just 5 and I'm already hooked!

The second thing I'd like to say, is that during the years that our homes are filled with little children, it's easy to feel that we aren't personally going anywhere. It's all we can do to maintain the balance of our lives. If we heap upon ourselves a lot of guilt about what we should be doing--running, studying, serving others, taking classes-- we can be debilitated.

If at the end of the day, you have not accomplished one single thing that seems permanent, if you have spent yourself rocking babies and wiping off countertops and changing sheets again, let me assure you that something truly wonderful is happening. Not only are your children growing and developing by invisible degrees, but you yourself are becoming a saint. I really mean that. Raising little children is selfless and sanctifying. You are developing the attributes of godliness--patience, long-suffering, temperance, brotherly kindness, charity--the very things we're on this earth to learn.

Keep setting goals and reaching for better things for yourself and for your family. But remember that the best things are already happening in your everyday life.