How to Train Your Dragon

Wouldn’t that be a great alternative name for this blog? “How to Train Your Dragon—The Loving Approach to Discipline.”

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, go get it. It’s a lesson in parenting!

Here were these difficult, impossible dragons—each with its own gifts and challenges. But the single perfect way to train each of them was not by coercion or manipulation or brutality. It was just all about learning to read them and appreciate them and give them the simple things they needed. It was all about mercy and gentleness. As soon as those dragons felt perfectly safe, they were tame. And they were bonded and devoted. They became assets instead of liabilities.

I loved that moment of truth—when Hiccup came to slay the dragon and then he looked in his eye and felt that connection. Instead of feelings of power and domination, he felt empathy. He recognized that the dragon felt just like he did. He dropped his sword and treated him as he would like to be treated. That was the turning point. Only then could he slowly, over many days, win his love.

And wasn’t it interesting how he started out relying on the tried and true dragon book for all his information. But he wasn’t successful until he threw it away and trusted his instincts.

And I loved how he stood alone—going against the culture of the day, caring more about the relationship he had formed than about what outsiders thought of him.

But gradually, as people began to see this new higher way, they became believers.

Now I realize it was fiction---but it contained a lot of truth.

So just keep it on hand and pull it out at the end of a long day and remember what kind of parent you really want to be—what kind of relationships you really want to have with your children.

Are you willing to eat a few raw fish if that’s what it takes to connect?

Have a great day with your own little dragons.

Love,

Jane

And another thing….that awesome dragon that he tamed was “The Night Fury”. Think about that when you’re walking the floor with a teething baby at two am.

How Do I Learn To Like Motherhood?

The Question:

 

As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room and shut the world out, be left alone with my thoughts and just be me. I hated it when my little sister would even touch me.  I need space.

 

Now that I'm a mother, I feel those same things yet don't get to lock myself in my room.  To top it off I have never been a very nurturing person yet not long after getting married, I wanted to have kids.  Now I have 3 kids (ages 8,6, &3) and feel like it's almost too much.  Some days I wake up asking myself what in the WORLD I was thinking having 3 kids?  Being a loving mom just doesn't come naturally to me. at. all.  I try and I try but it's almost against my nature.  It's hard for me not to compare myself to other moms who claim that they "just love being a mom" etc.  I feel like something is wrong with me because Some days I HATE being a mom.  When I leave on vacation without my kids, I don't really miss them.  It's hard to admit this as a member of the Church striving to magnify my calling as a mother.  I feel like this is not the norm.    I have read zillions of parenting books and am always working at improving but... I don't know how to LOVE (or even like) motherhood.  I wish I was the kind of mom that could handle 11 kids like yourself but I'm not and that makes me sad and frustrated.  So how do I learn to like motherhood?

 

The Answer:

 

Dear friend,

 

I am probably not the best one to answer this question.  I was born for motherhood.  I know that and I know that it's been a blessing for me.  The very thing I'm supposed to do--the very role that I am supposed to embrace, just happens to be my first love.  So a person like me gets all kinds of affirmation in the church.  My heart really does go out to people who struggle with this role and expectation and who just don't find the joy they keep hearing about.  I have a few thoughts and I'd like to invite readers to share their experiences in this area.

 

You already have children and they only have one mother, and one childhood.  You need to learn to really know and love your children.  You just can't give in to the self-doubts you're experiencing.  Nurturing is a skill that can be learned and love has a source.   Pray that your heart may be made tender toward each of your children.  You are the single most important person in their lives.  Your approval, your affirmation of them, your knowledge and acceptance of their uniqueness will stay with them throughout their lives.  If there is emptiness and coldness in your relationship with them, they will be injured.  You might feel like you really can't help that.  You don't feel it so what can you do?   You can invest yourself in a different way than you are now investing.  Maybe you are just very custodial.  Feeding them.  Cleaning the house.  Hauling them around.  Noticing all the ways they drive you crazy--arguing, undoing what you've done, talking back, etc.  But just step back.  Look at each child individually.  What is on their mind?  Who are they?  What is their world like?   Picture yourself building a visible bond.  Every time you smile at them, hug or touch or laugh at something together, you are strengthening the bond.  Be alone with each one and talk about things.  Just look right into their eyes and listen intently.  While you're listening, think that you love them, that they are precious.  They will see that thought in your eyes.  You might feel awkward about this.  Maybe you aren't a touchy feely kind of person.  But children really are and they interpret little gestures like a gentle hand on their back or a genuine smile to mean, "I love you."  I guess what I'm really getting at, is just force yourself to go through the motions of eye contact, touch and smiling with a light in your eyes until you begin to feel it.  Realize that you are feeding your child in a very real way.  This is nurturing.

 

Put yourself on a two week plan of going through the nurturing motions that I've described.  Take each child on an outing alone during the two weeks.  Do something fun like bowling or hiking or hunting for some special treasure with them at a thrift store.  When you get back home, don't go right into the house.  Just stay in the car.  Tell them that you've had such a good time with them and express your love.  Also during the two weeks, compliment each of them each day.  Focus on the good things they do.  Picture that you are building a bond.  Try not to raise your voice or look at them in way that communicates disdain.  If they misbehave, take them individually into another room and talk to them.  Hold their hand and talk to them. 

 

This is your family.  A family is different from any other project or accomplishment because it is an eternal, living thing.  It extends on for generations.  If you can make the sacrifice to learn to nurture, you'll not only be building emotionally healthy children, but you'll be teaching them how to nurture the generation that follows.  And I really can't describe to you the return on this investment of yourself.  Your children will not always be small.  They will grow to love you if you first love them.      My children still at home--ages 16, 14, 11 and 9 are genuinely soothing to me.  I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day--like good friends.  They aren't any better than your children!  I loved them every day.  Now they love me.

One final note...sometimes we fill our lives with hobbies or pursuits that produce more immediate rewards.  If we aren't careful, we start to resent our children and see them as obstructions to the things that bring us real pleasure.  The key is to discover pleasure in our children--to make them central, to genuinely value them during the relatively short time that they are in our home. 

 The day will come that you will be free to spend whole days any way you want-- you can travel, go to school, or go in your room and shut the door  But today, you are a mother.  I challenge you to come out and keep trying.  I know that the Lord will bless your efforts.

All my love,

Jane

New Mom Isolation?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

 

I know it has been a long time since you were just a mother of one, but as that is what I am, that is where my question comes from. My question isn't about my baby, it's about me.

 

Now, let me first set some things straight. I love being a mother. It is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. My daughter is seriously an angel baby. When she's having a rough day, other people don't understand because that is how their babies were on normal days. She is a great sleeper and is as cute as can be. I love her. She is great. I am doing everything I can to soak up these precious moments when I am her best friend and she lights up when she sees me. I know this time is going to go by fast.

 

My problem is the loneliness in my life. My husband is great, but he is working while also attending law school. Although he is the oldest in his family, he struggles with his schedule no longer being his own with the little one around, esp. since our time together is limited due to the demands on his time. We don't live anywhere near family; we don't feel like we fit in at all in our ward (which is amazing in a ward where there have already been something like 20 babies born this year, you would think we'd be perfect in that demographic.) I am tired of trying to make friends and failing, but 18 hours alone every day with a 3 month old gets to be a little isolating. I even have talked to my doctor about PPD, but she's fairly certain that that is not my issue.

 

When it is a chore just to get to the grocery store with my little one, how am I supposed to be motivated to get out  and do other things? How can I combat this new mom isolation and have a conversation where I can get a response that is a little more complex than ga ga goo?

Thank you,

AJ

 

The Answer:

Dear AJ,

 

I am reasonably certain that since you wrote this letter back in July, you have already solved this problem to some degree.  But because I've received several letters like yours, I'm going to offer some suggestions.

 

First let me refer you to a response from last March (March 8: Dealing with Loneliness)  In it, I give almost every idea I can think of for reaching out and connecting with others.  There are also several great comments from readers that might help you.

 

But besides "reaching out" ideas, I'd like to give you one other thought.  I've discovered over my lifetime, that there are some lonely seasons.  I've gone through them.  I've watched my children go through them.  I think they serve a purpose.  We really learn compassion when we experience that isolated feeling.  We don't like to see someone sitting alone.  We are motivated to teach our children how to notice and include people.   But more than even these valuable lessons, I think we really discover the reality of a Heavenly Father.  I've never felt closer to him than during those times when I've run out of places to turn.  The more lonely I've felt, the more open I've been to his love.  Maybe it's just that we have to be really empty before we recognize how it feels to be filled.  Certainly, those times of isolation and need have deepened my testimony more than the times of feast.

 

Because before long, life becomes full and busy and so we forget, to some degree, that most precious relationship and we lose, to some degree, that precious dependence. 

 

So my suggestion is that you try to form friendships, but also learn the lessons that your present life can teach you. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Mother's Day

Dear Readers,

It’s Mother’s Day.  I woke up this morning thinking of you—of your humble, sincere questions and of your beautiful children.  I thought about how you’ve blessed my life—how happy I am just knowing that you’re waking up this morning to your children….again.  They’re young—most of them and don’t know how to really honor you today.  They might make a card for you at church.  They’ll give you hugs and kisses.  If you’re lucky, your on-the-ball husband helped them buy you a gift.  But, truly, they don’t understand yet what you are to them or how to adequately honor you.  You are like breathing to them—as natural as air.  They don’t understand yet that your love is shaping their life—that your constant presence is what makes them feel safe as they explore the world. 

My sister, Judy, died many years ago and left five children—ages 15 down to 3.  I was expecting my first baby when she died.  Seeing that little row of children sitting in front of me at their mother’s funeral was the most heart-breaking scene of my life.  She had been a wonderful mother.  She had fully devoted herself to those little children and now she was gone.  It seemed unbelievable that most of them would not remember her and how she loved them.  And it’s true.  Her daughter Chris was 10 when she died and years later, she had only a few isolated memories of her mother.  But each of the five children have turned out to be wonderful people and exceptional parents.  They have her dry humor and wise perspective.  Many people have had a hand in their lives, but I know that Judy’s love was there during their most formative years.  The mother they can’t remember shaped them and set their course for life.

Most of what you do each day for your little ones will not be remembered.   They will definitely thank you some day and feel genuine gratitude.  But they won’t recall a fraction of the daily experiences you’ve given them—the time you cut their sandwiches into heart shapes, the nights you read two extra stories even though you couldn’t keep your eyes open, the day you walked out to get the mail together and noticed the crocuses popping through. Last year, my daughter Marlee sent me this poem on Mother’s Day.  I think you’ll enjoy it.

The Lanyard

By: Billy Collins

The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly—
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light

and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift—not the worn truth

that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hand,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even. 

Nothing will ever make you even.  There is no gift or card or expression of gratitude that will hit the mark—the “thank you, Mom” mark.  But today something happened that came close.  My son—sixteen years old, blessed the sacrament for the first time.  I was sitting so close that I could watch his clean hands break the bread.  I heard his mild voice say the words to the prayer.   In this filthy world, he is worthy.  He honors me with his clean life.  It’s all I want from him.  Our eyes locked for a few moments after he sat down and there weren’t words to frame my love and gratitude—for him, for the Savior’s emblems, for the gospel that guides us together.  No Mother’s Day geranium was needed.

So accept the many silent honors your children bestow upon you each day.  When your 2-year-old shares a toy, when your daughter speaks oh so gently to the baby, when your son picks up all of his cars cheerfully.  Those honors will increase in magnitude as the years unfold and there will be echoes of your efforts even in the lives of your grandchildren.  Your careful acts of love and teaching that seem at times to evaporate into thin air, are actually settling and sinking in and they will all bear fruit in time.

The world honors you today.  I do too.  But in their own unique little ways, each of your children honors you best of all.

With Love,

Jane

What To Do About More Complex Problems?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I guess I still don't get it.  I don't have a clear picture of what your discipline looks like.  I liked the example that you gave of your child coming home late, and thinking about how you would want to be treated if you were late- it makes sense, and I have been able to apply it to some situations at home with great success.  But, I get stuck when it gets more complex- like one kid saying something hurtful to another, or when the older kids aren't willing to allow the younger kids to play with them or share with them.  Or when someone back talks to me.  Then what?  Please help me to understand.  I want to do better.  I have so many questions- but this one is at the top of the list!  Thank you!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a blueprint or a manual that would cover every situation.  I remember longing for one of those myself!   But I haven’t found one and I couldn’t write one.  It’s your privilege to decide what the climate of your home will be and how to create it.  My suggestions are really just general principles to guide you in that process.  

Let’s look at one of your concerns:  When older kids aren’t willing to allow the younger kids to play with them.

You’ve identified that as a problem in your home.  You know that you could force the older kids to play with the younger ones—but that won’t work.  It will breed resentment and contention.  You could set up a reward system in which older children earn points for including younger ones.  That would solve the problem on a superficial level, but again, you would be policing and orchestrating the situation.  What you really want is for your children to care about each other on a deeper level--enough that they would feel bad leaving one another out.  Encouraging and building those feelings in our children is possible—but it isn’t done overnight and it demands deeper thought and prayer on your part.

Spend some time thinking and praying about the situation.  Actually, all the concerns you talked about fall into the category of love and respect in your home.  The climate in your home is bothering you and you want to change it.  Know that the Lord wants you to succeed and he will inspire you with ideas.  I’ve been amazed again and again at the inspiration that begins to flow into my mind when I humbly seek it—insights that I would not have had, solutions that were so much simpler than I thought.  The solutions fit my family, my personality, my situation.  Some examples of this type of revelation might be:

I see that I am part of the problem.  The way that I am speaking, acting or treating my children is not modeling the behavior I’m hoping to see in them.

I see that one of my children is needy—discouraged or overlooked and therefore crippled when it comes to giving of himself in the family.

I feel impressed to talk to my older children about my vision for our family and enlist their aid in accomplishing it.

I might really see the point of view of my older children and have the ability to sympathize with their position when it comes to younger siblings.    When they feel understood and accepted, they naturally become more generous.

I might feel inspired to temporarily set up that point system I discussed earlier, as a way of turning the tide and raising awareness.

The general principles that I use involve teaching and loving, instead of continual discipline for failure.  These principles are especially effective when it comes to teaching love in the home.  It’s ironic when children are spanked for hitting or sent to their room for isolating a sibling.  Creating a loving environment, encourages love.  You model kindness when you speak kindly.  You teach patience when you are patient.  Most teen-agers who are disrespectful, are often spoken to disrespectfully, forcefully, and in ways that belittle.

I have often told my children over the years that this is our home, our family.  We knew each other before we came here and we hoped we’d be friends.  We get to decide how we want it to be.  I think it’s very important to keep the larger picture in view for everyone to see, to shoot for the ideal.

And one last thought.  When it comes to love in the home, my greatest asset (besides the Lord) is my oldest child.  Enlist their aid.  Give them lots of special attention and help them feel the weight of their role in the success of your family.  They very often set the tone.  As our children have left one by one, the next child steps into that role and becomes a great strength to us as they mature personally.  I would start fostering that role and relationship early.

Going back to your original question, I don’t really think of this as a “method of discipline”.  I don’t really discipline or punish.  I expect and teach and do everything I can to create an environment that will bring about success.

With Love,

Jane

Discussing "Different" Parenting Views?

The Question:

Hi, Jane. 

I'm just wondering how you handled having "different" parenting views than those around you.  Family size, discipline, preschool, babies...  I think I'm a pretty tuned-in parent, but I have been more mainstream in some respects.  But as I read your blog, and a couple others, it opens my eyes, and I want to change.  And it all feels so right.  And I get excited, tell my husband, begin implementing.  And then I go to Enrichment (or Activities whatever it's called now).  Anyway, everyone there agrees that there is "a world of difference between kids who go to preschool and those who don't."  And all the areas could be hit, I think.  Do you just keep your mouth shut?  The thing is, I think I had my views before because that is what people around me talk about, that is what the books say, what the Dr. says.  I think it's helpful to let people know that there are other parenting methods, just as a courtesy, not to judge or boss, but because they are probably only hearing about mainstream parenting.  At least I wish people would have brought it up with me.  But mostly, then I start to really question it again.  Should I put my son in preschool?  Ha ha.  I just went to Enrichment tonight and it was an item of topic.  How do you keep from getting wishy-washy?

Thank you,
Erin

The Answer:

 

Dear Erin,

 

What a good question--a good way of putting it.  It's made me think about my early days of adopting this way of parenting. As I've mentioned, I was a "natural consequences" mother.  When I read about this and gained a vision of it, I was excited to share it with my friends.  But, honestly, I was met mostly with skepticism.  People felt that it seemed permissive and inconsistent.  They felt that children wouldn't know where they stood if there were not swift, steady consequences for bad behavior.  I wasn't sure either.  It was a new idea.  I think this type of parenting requires a leap of faith because, on the surface, there are not immediate results.   But, for me, I sensed a difference right away.  I was no longer the enemy, but the advocate--and that position felt more comfortable. 

 

My children who have been raised this way from the beginning are now young adults and teen-agers and they are pretty impressive people.  So impressive, in fact, that I am often asked for advice on parenting from people who know them.  I know that they are the way they are, largely because of this form of discipline.  As promised in the book, they each have a strong conscience and they each have a warm relationship with us as their parents.  We have almost no conflict in our home.  In spite of that, many of the very people who ask my advice and see the results, really can't imagine that it could work.  It's just very hard for them to relinquish that position of force. 

 

 You are just where I was 20 years ago--deciding to paddle against the current of the philosophies of the day.   You're bound to meet with skepticism or even opposition.    But today, I am completely secure in this because I'm completely converted.  No one could persuade me to do otherwise.   It feels good to come to a place in your motherhood, where you are more tuned in to your own children than to the voices all around you.  And that can happen relatively quickly as you begin to experience the benefits of this type of parenting.

 

Many of the comments on this blog have addressed the topic of judging one another.   While condemning is never a good thing, we do have the task of looking around and sifting through the many claims and philosophies that swirl around us and deciding what is really right for us--and that involves making judgments.  In that process, many camps develop--"Love and Logic" camps, "Baby Whisperer" camps, "Natural Consequences" camps, advocates of preschools, mothers with opinions about when to start solid foods, potty training, kindergarten...I don't have to tell you this, right?  Just prayerfully make your decisions and move forward with them.  Let the debates carry on...because trust me, they always will.  And they're good in a way.  They just represent mothers trying to be good mothers. 

 

The truth is, the more secure you are in your beliefs, the less defensive you will become.  And as you focus on living it instead of explaining it, you will receive greater peace and clarity in the process.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Babies

Dear Readers,

We’ve talked a lot about love on this blog—about the importance of not just loving our children, but of making sure that they feel our love continually. Naturally that connection begins long before our children can understand the words, “I love you.” I believe that we begin making that connection before our children are born. New breakthroughs in science are proving that when an expectant mother loves and wants her baby, she emits high levels of serotonin which actually contribute to her baby’s brain formation. That means that when you feel excitement and pleasure just dreaming about your baby—your baby receives physiological benefits as he develops within you. What an astonishing thought! And of course when you take good care of yourself during pregnancy--eating nutritious foods, exercising and avoiding harmful substances, your baby is the recipient. I used to love taking a walk in the sunshine, breathing in the fresh air and feeling that sense of well-being that went deeper than just me.

When babies are loved and wanted before they ever come, they arrive with a great start. But I’ve come to believe that the first year of life is perhaps the most important one of all. I remember holding my own first baby for the first time—all the mixture of feelings—amazement, awe, recognition and a bit of inadequacy. Never had anyone needed me so much. He was all made out of…me. His skin, his fluffy hair, his little bright eyes. Here he was breathing, squinting around, trying to find food and I was what he wanted. When he was a few days old, I was marveling to my sister about how connected and intertwined we were—him needing to eat, me needing to feed him, how much he loved to be with me, how much I craved his feel and smell. She made a comment that set a course for my life as a mother. She said, “I read once that babies don’t realize that they are separate people from their mothers. As far as they’re concerned, you and he are the same person.” Yes. That’s exactly what it felt like.

For each of my babies, the first year of life is a time of very close, tight nurturing. They sleep near me (or with me), they bathe with me, they eat when they are hungry, I hold them when they want, they go where I go. I am definitely an attached parent. For each of our 11 children, I have basically given myself over to them for the first year. And through the years, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on about bonding. It’s just a fascinating subject for me. Imagine how excited I was when I stumbled upon a book one day at the library called, “The Biology of Love”. It’s written by a Dr. Arthur Janov who has developed therapies over the years to help people who got off to a bad start in life. He demonstrates in the book that during the first year of life, the brain is still very much in formative stages and that the parents complete the important connections that will last through their child’s life-time.

The book is intense but here is my best summation of it. I know it’s an over-simplification, but just tell me that it doesn’t make perfect sense to you. The brain is very complex but is divided into two hemispheres. One controls emotions and feelings while the other controls logical reasoning and thinking. When a baby is born, the logical side is dormant. It won’t kick in for about two years. But the feeling side is entirely active. A baby may not understand anything we say, but they are fully attuned to our voice, our expression, our smell, our touch. They cry and we respond—and as we do, we are building connections. The mechanisms in their brain that produce serotonin and dopamine are set. When babies are routinely neglected, there are whole sections of brain connections that are “pruned out” and unrecoverable. These babies grow up with hungers and needs that they can’t explain so they often turn to drugs or alcohol for relief. I realize that none of you neglect your babies to that extent. But I really believe that it’s impossible to give a child too much love or to respond too much in the first year. Dr. Janov points out that the process of nurturing a baby is labor-intensive but that we will put in the time now or later—now in building what he calls “a loved brain” that functions well and responds appropriately to life—or later, trying to understand and remedy problems from early neglect.

My sister’s casual comment was true. Our babies really are incomplete with only half of a brain—the feeling half. We provide the logical side until theirs is functional. It’s up to us to meet the needs that they can’t articulate or meet themselves. And it’s helpful to realize that they are not logical enough to have an agenda—to manipulate us. They only know that they need something, and often that “something” is just to be with us.

When a baby emerges from their first year with “a loved brain”—the feeling side of their brain fully connected and formed, the logical side of the brain begins to develop. Connections form between the two sides of the brain to create an emotionally healthy person. A person with a loved brain is more likely to be able to form strong, meaningful relationships throughout his life, to cope with and solve difficult problems he will encounter in life and to have a deeper ability to perceive right and wrong—because he understands and “feels” the impact of his actions on others.

I believe this. There is evidence of it all around us. And while it may seem like a burdensome bit of information, it is, for me, truly freeing and motivating. I am free to love my babies without reservation. And I am doing everything I can to insure a happy life for them. I know they’ll have hardships and difficulties as we all do. I can’t spare them those things. But I can give them their best chance to handle those things well.

I was talking to a young mother in our ward a few years ago. She was frustrated because she hadn’t done a thing for three days except hold her 2-month old baby—who was unusually fussy. The house was falling down around her and she couldn’t get anything done. I shared some excerpts with her from “The Biology of Love” and reassured her that though it didn’t seem like it, she was doing something permanently good as she rocked and soothed her baby. Later she told me how helpful that information was—that it had really changed her perspective. That’s what I hope this is for you—just a deeper understanding of the role you’re playing.

Over my lifetime as a mother, I’ve seen a quiet, concerted movement aimed at separating babies from mothers. In our society, women are cautioned to look after their own interests first. Modern methods encourage mothers to teach their babies to soothe themselves—that the ultimate success is to make your baby as independent as early as possible. Why is that success? A neat compartmentalized life doesn’t work with babies. Their needs vary from day to day and their deepest needs are often met at inconvenient times.

I know that you’re picturing a mother run ragged trying to meet the demands of her new baby as well as the rest of the family. But it really hasn’t been like that for me. I’ve found great personal pleasure in that first year and a deep sense of accomplishment. My husband is wonderful with babies—and I think it’s partly because I’ve shown him how to enjoy them. My other children have learned (without any formal lessons) that babies are precious and wonderful. Babies uniquely bind a family together. One of my favorite memories was bringing our seventh baby home from the hospital and laying him on my bed. The children all came in and gathered around. One of them said, “It’s like he’s a little fire and we’re all getting warm.”

Sometimes I want to say to young mothers: “Throw all the books away and follow your instincts.” Tie that baby on and take him with you. Don’t dole out love in measured doses. Just make it as natural as air. Kiss, snuggle, smell, whisper to, caress that baby all that you want to. Picture their little brain lighting up and thriving.

I’m including two pictures with this post. These are two of the few pieces of art that I own. The first you might recognize as “The Responsible Woman” by James Christensen. I love that with all of her other responsibilities, her baby is cradled in and content.

The second is a statue that my son Nick brought home to me from his mission to Bolivia. I guess he knew what I would love! I love how simple and primitive this relationship looks—no car seats or strollers or swings or fancy nursery—just this essential mother/baby relationship that transcends worldly trends and trappings.

Of course, this “immersion in love” that takes place in the first year, naturally segues into the loving approach we’ve discussed as our children grow older.

If you are still reading, you deserve a medal! This post has been a small book. But I hope there is something in it that will encourage you forward in this great work. Ezra Taft Benson, in summing up the ten ways a mother could be effective in her child’s life, ended with this jewel.

“Tenth and finally, mothers, take the time to truly love your children. A mother's unqualified love approaches Christlike love."

Here is a beautiful tribute by a son to his mother:

"I don't remember much about her views of voting nor her social prestige; and what her ideas on child training, diet, and eugenics were, I cannot recall. The main thing that sifts back to me now through the thick undergrowth of years is that she loved me. She liked to lie on the grass with me and tell stories, or to run and hide with us children. She was always hugging me. . . . And I liked it. She had a sunny face. To me it was like God, and all the beatitudes saints tell of Him. And sing! Of all the sensations pleasurable to my life nothing can compare with the rapture of crawling up into her lap and going to sleep while she swung to and fro in her rocking chair and sang. Thinking of this, I wonder if the woman of today, with all her tremendous notions and plans, realizes what an almighty factor she is in shaping of her child for weal or woe? I wonder if she realizes how much sheer love and attention count for in a child's life."

Sheer love. I like that. And let me just add, at the risk of sounding patronizing—that I love you as well. Through the miracle of blogging, I’ve visited many of your homes and seen your babies. Each of you melt my heart. Good, good things are happening out there! Thank you for your dedication to this process.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Discipline

Dear Readers,

What a great experience it’s been so far, connecting with you on this blog. I feel like I’ve met so many wonderful mothers. I love your comments! They fill in all the gaps in my answers and it feels like, together, we create solutions that are real and complete. I wish we could all get together somewhere.

I’ve decided that occasionally, I’m just going to talk to you—without answering a question. I feel like, in some ways, the ‘question’ format leaves gaps and may cause confusion. So, once in a while, I’m just going to lay out an idea for you. For example, we’ve never discussed babies—how to truly nurture a baby. I feel that this is basic and key to our success as we teach our children later on. I’d love to hear your ideas on early bonding, and as you’ve probably guessed, I have a few of my own. So that will be one of my topics.

But because so many of your questions have focused on discipline and my answers create a somewhat incomplete picture, today, I’m going to lay out my whole philosophy on that subject. This “laying out” will include bits and pieces or things you’ve already read in my answers but, hopefully, will create a more complete picture.

Motherhood took on a whole new meaning for me when I adopted a more proactive approach that was based on some basic goals. The two goals that I have as I raise little children are 1) to preserve and strengthen our relationship and 2) to develop their deep, inner feelings of right and wrong. When your children emerge from these early years and become teen-agers, you will want to have firmly established those two things. It isn’t the easiest method of parenting. It takes constant thought and focus. The focus is on building a strong bond of love, helping children to succeed at what you ask them to do, and teaching instead of constant disciplining.

Physical discipline is destructive when you consider both of those goals. Not only does it damage the relationship, but it absolves a child of responsibility for what they’ve done. They have paid for the crime so there is no need to feel sorrow for it. At best, it is a deterrent—and if our goal is just to produce acceptable outward behavior, then it’s useful. The motivation will be fear of punishment. But our goal is to develop our child from the inside out—the motivation being a desire to be good.

Living by rigid natural consequences can also be counter-productive for the same reasons. This is where my philosophies might become confusing. Shouldn’t we provide a consistent environment where there are always the same consequences? Sometimes. I love structure and routine. I think they build security. But when our children make mistakes, our focus should be on teaching them, helping them to repair any damage and fostering their own feelings of sorrow.

It’s hard for me to watch parents who hold their children to high standards of accountability at an early age. The Lord is very clear that little children are without sin. He doesn’t hold them accountable for sin until they are 8. Why do we think that a 3 year old should pay for their sins? They’re young, with brains that are not fully capable. They don’t think or understand things the way adults do—even though they may be very smart. We are teaching them every day how to obey. Hopefully, they are getting better and better at it. Sometimes, they have bad days, or even a bad week or two. They move from stage to stage, and for some children, these transitions are difficult. Our role is to love and teach them through.

Success is defined by moments—I call them amazing moments—when we see our child respond to their own feelings. Here is a recent example. My daughter Natalie was driving home one evening with her husband and all the boys. They had planned to stop for pizza but changed their mind. Four year old Jack was disappointed and started to cry. He continued crying as they drove home and said “I don’t love you, Mom.” Natalie didn’t reprimand but realized that this had been a big disappointment for Jack and continued home. Later, without saying anything about Jack’s behavior, she made smoothies for the boys. While Jack was drinking his, he said, “Mom, I’ll never say I don’t love you any more.” This is an amazing moment. It may seem small but it represents a great deal. Jack was not forced to apologize. His gesture sprang from his own heart. He realized that he had been wrong all on his own and he repaired it. The two goals we talked about came in to play—Jack’s love for his mother and the development of his own conscience.

Children, as they grow, have an innate sense of right and wrong and they feel a level of discomfort when they misbehave. When we are kind to them-- when we don’t make them pay for their mistakes, they feel uncomfortable until they do something about it.

Keep in mind that Jack is four years old. His mind is much more developed than a two-year old. And while you may see some of these “amazing moments” in your 2 or 3 year old, they will become much more frequent in later years.

You can kill this sensitivity in your children if you are in the habit of using harsh punishment or discipline. It may take a while for their consciences to respond on their own once you instead take the time to help them really tune in to it. Ease up on the way you discipline, avoid force. Don’t frame things up with consequences “if you do that one more time….” but instead take in the situation, figure out what you are trying to teach, and patiently keep teaching it. You’re not allowing your child to run wild, but rather very actively taking the time to know your child and lovingly helping him to grow in positive ways.

For children between 18 months and 3, the emphasis is on teaching and loving. Don’t engender anger. Try to avoid this. Just shepherd them patiently through these irrational years and learn to love and appreciate their wonderful, joyful little ways. Hold them close and read every day. Play their games. Gently enforce limits without terribly high expectations. Some of them are so precocious that we think of them as little adults—especially oldest children, but the “logical” side of their brain is not even close to fully developed. The biggest myth and mistake of parents of 2 and 3 year olds is that “if I let them get away with this now, they’ll turn into juvenile delinquents.” Instead, think, “when this child is five, he will have outgrown almost everything I’m worried about.”

When our son, Peter, was 2, he had a terrible habit of head-butting anyone holding him against his will. If you picked him up from behind, he would throw his head back and give you a fat lip. I remember when three of us had fat lips at the same time! He was also impossible to take into stores. He would just get overly stimulated by the experience and behave terribly. My sister used to joke, “It takes a village to raise Peter.” Fortunately, our family of 10 was a small village by then. I’d like you to know him now at age 8. He is purely delightful. Everyone who knows him, loves him. He’s well behaved and happy and never gives us fat lips and is great in stores.

When our daughter Marlee was 2, she refused to sleep in her own bed. She wanted to cuddle up to go to sleep. I didn’t know why—whether she was just scared or lonely, but it wasn’t a big deal to me. So I put a small mattress under the side of my bed and let her sleep there (or usually put her there after she had fallen asleep.) She’s in college now. She sleeps in her own bed. And to tell you the truth, I miss that soft little body curled up beside me.

My very wise uncle, who had raised a very large family said at the end, “I think the only time we really mess our children up, is when we become overly anxious about them.” A loving, accepting environment brings out wonderful things in children. Doesn’t it bring out the best in you? That’s why the golden rule is a good key. When you have to say no, say it lovingly. “ I know. I wish we could stay here at the park all day. But we have to go home and have a snack.” Then pick them up and soothe them to the car. In this way, even saying no can strengthen your bond. They feel understood and sympathized with rather than dominated.

These are the principles I have lived by for the past 20 years or so, and every personality type flourishes with them. I even work part time with wayward teens and I feel that the same principles apply. Love is light. Light helps everything grow. The difficult part is to stay loving through all the stages and phases and struggles. That’s why motherhood is a sanctifying experience.

Hopefully this has been helpful.

All my love,

Jane

Two-Year-Old Bully?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I have a friend, Sue, who has a 2 year old that is rather spoiled. Sue is a very sweet and soft spoken person. She sometimes lets people walk all over her because of how non-confrontational she is. This is the case with her daughter, Kate. Sue gives Kate WAY too many warnings- I am of the Super Nanny school of thought, where you give one warning, and then an immediate consequence. (I.E. "If you do that again, I'm going to put you in a time out" and then follow through!) I've seen Sue tell Kate to do something, and warn that if she doesn't listen, then she'll have to go straight down for her nap... Kate doesn't listen, Sue gives MORE chances, and then when Sue picks up Kate to put her in bed, Kate immediately says, "I'm sorry" and Sue gives her that extra chance. So Kate has learned that she doesn't have to listen to her mom until she starts to take action. This has taught Kate that she can get away with a lot, because most of the time, her mom has zero follow through.

Here's how it affects us. Kate pinched my baby repeatedly when we were in the car together a few months ago. My son was crying really hard, but I was driving and thought he just didn't want to be in his car seat. As we were getting Kate out of the car, she admitted that she pinched him, but I didn't realize how bad it was. When I saw my son's arm in the dim light of the car, I told Sue he really had red marks, and Sue didn't really say much to Kate. (It really bugged me that that was all that happened, but I am not Kate's mom, and I can't tell Sue how to parent.) Then I got home into the light, and I burst into tears. My baby's arm had many red welts that later bruised. It looked awful. I myself am rather non-confrontational, and I didn't know how to approach the situation with Sue, because the time to punish Kate had already come and gone. Looking back, I should have asked Sue to see what was wrong while we were driving, but I just had no idea at the time, and months later, I still feel awful for it.

So I said nothing more, and my husband and I vowed to just always keep an eye out for our baby when we are around Sue and her family. Which we do, but now the problem is, I am terrified of Kate, and don't really want to spend ANY time with Sue, who I was really close with before this happened. What Kate did to my baby really creeps me out, because she had no problem repeatedly hurting my crying baby for 30 minutes. I understand that 2 year olds sometimes will hit, scratch, bite, pinch, etc... if they are provoked (if a toy is taken, if they are upset and don't get their way...) but I have NEVER met a kid who is content to hurt a baby who is clearly crying out in pain for 30 minutes. I know that Kate has also really hurt another baby in the past as well. It scares me that Kate has such aggression toward babies, and since my baby now crawls, it is harder for me to protect him from Kate as easily.

What can we do?? We love our friends, but I fear that we might lose the friendship, because I really want nothing to do with Kate. I'm sure at some point she will grow out of this, but for now it terrifies me to be around her, because I almost think there is something wrong with her. My mom thinks Kate should be evaluated. I know this seems like an exaggeration, but her behavior reminds me a lot of Maculay Culkin's character in the movie The Good Son. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Son_(film) (There's the link if you're not familiar with it.) But basically, he is a twisted kid, who feels no remorse for his actions. (I.e. When Kate announced that she pinched my baby it was said very matter of factly. Like saying the sky is blue.)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. This incident happened months ago, and I have tried to just get over it, but I am having a really hard time doing it. Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Love,
Anonymous


The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

Your letter captures so well the protective feelings of a mother. I think we've all been there! I've always thought I'd rather be injured, ridiculed, offended or snubbed a hundred times over than to endure the misery of watching my children go through those things. It's our commission, after all, to keep each of them safe from harm.I have evolved as a mother in many ways--but on this very issue, I may have experienced the greatest evolution. Before I preach a sermon, I will say that I think your first instinct--to keep the friendship intact and be vigilant about your son--is right on the money.

I'm sad to report that the experience you described is going to repeat itself a hundred times and in a hundred different ways over the course of your life as a mother. You'll watch your children suffer injustices large and small. Someone will bite them in the nursery. There will be bullies. Your child will be the only one not invited. Friends will turn on them and break their hearts. The hard part is knowing when to step in and how. I will tell you something that comes from the benefit of years and years of experience. Looking back, you will always be glad when you did the generous, unselfish, forgiving thing--when you took the high road, when you were able to consider not just your child, but the injuring party as well. There are several reasons for this.

1. It's Christ-like. If there was one thing the Savior set an example of, it was forgiveness. And he expects that of us as well--70 times 7. If we can be patient and forgiving with people even in spite of that "mother tiger" instinct we have to protect our children, then we experience true growth as a person. Outrage is replaced with peace and confidence as we formulate a plan that emulates the Savior.

2. We teach our children the greatest lessons of their lives. Now I know that your little baby isn't watching your example. But very soon, he will be. He will learn in church and at your knee about patience and forgiveness, but nothing will compare to the lessons you will teach him when he comes to you with a real hurt. We have a funny family story. My brother, Scott, when he was young, came in and told my mother that some older boys had taken his toy guns. My mother was mad at those bullies and said, angrily, "You go out there and you tell them that if they don't give you your guns right now, your mother is going to come out there and... (you get the idea) So Scott started out the door, but returned after only a few moments. "How about if I say "Could I please have my guns back?" He soon returned with the guns. It isn't always that simple. But aren't we here on earth to learn to "bless them that curse you" "do good to them that despitefully use you"? Our children won't be any better at that than we are. Now is the time to develop patterns of kindness.

3. I love a quote by Emma McKay, "A true mother is a mother to all children everywhere." I admit honestly that I have failed to be motherly to all children everywhere, but that quote reminds me to try. You might be able to play a positive role in Kate's life by working with her patiently and trying to connect with her. She's really just an irrational 2-year-old who may not be as malicious as you think. Your friend is probably frustrated and would appreciate your help and support. Try not to judge her. Just be a good friend.

I realize this answer is much more long-range than you bargained for. And it certainly flies in the face of our present "look out for number one" culture. You may fear raising a family of "door-mats" if you take my advice. But you won't. Your children will be more tender and outwardly focused. They will learn to resolve differences more intelligently. And this stance is consistent with the loving approach that you are using to teach them everything else in life.

Of course, being forgiving does not necessitate fostering toxic, damaging relationships. As our children grow older, we can help them to surround themselves with good, uplifting people as their closest friends while treating others with kindness and respect.

With love,
Jane

Family Planning?

The Question:

I'll be celebrating my 29th birthday in a few weeks, and my new husband and I (married almost 6 months) are starting to plan for a family. We have both always wanted a large family, but I feel slightly discouraged that I may not be able to have that many kids, considering that my "fertile and safe" years may be slightly numbered as I exit my twenties. My question for you is, what is your opinion on family planning (more, rather than less) for someone who has around ten years to have kids? Am I even accurate in thinking that I have about ten years? I've just always heard that one's risk for birth defects and complications are much higher after forty. I've also heard that it is "unsafe" for a woman's body to space children less than 18 months apart. How would you approach the goal of bringing children to earth if you were in my situation and stage of life?

No matter what, I am simply eternally grateful to Heavenly Father that he guided my husband and me to be able to find each other. The twenties can be so lonely and discouraging when hoping for an eventual companion. Even if we have one child, however that happens, I will be that much more grateful to have the opportunity of being a mother.

-Anonymous

The Answer:

Your question is a good one--and it gives me the chance to answer a few other questions I've received regarding family planning. "How do I know it's time to have a baby?" "How did you plan your family?"

My husband and I made the decision when we were married to let the children come. Even way back then, it wasn't the norm and we took some criticism as we pursued this rather "wreckless" course. But this was the church guideline at the time:

"We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by."

This, I think, is the guideline now:

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many chldren to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

The first directive is a lot more "directive" and it's easy to see--in a world-wide church, why the counsel was modified over the years. Now the decision is entirely between a couple and the Lord. I truly respect every couple's right to make that choice. I don't try to impose my decision on anyone--even my own married children. The decision is enormous and is yours to make.

But I will share with you my thoughts and feelings and the reasons for my decisions.
For me, the core doctrine that inspired both of the above statements, is very clear. We have a purpose on the earth--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. My choice to bring a baby into my home insures that this little spirit will be nurtured, loved and taught--that they will each receive every ordinance they need. But more than that, they will begin a new generation that is solid and committed. Each child will stand at the head of their own generation and I have the privilege to prepare them for that.

In that first statement above, I really appreciate the last line--that those who limit their families "will reap disappointment by and by". Disappointment is the perfect word. Not punishment or condemnation--just disappointment at what we might have had, and chose not to. These are the thoughts that have motivated my choice to have all the children that I can.

In the process and through the years, I have been richly blessed for that decision. I have seen each child as a direct gift and blessing from God--not as an accident. I've approached the Lord with confidence for help with my children and I've been blessed with ideas, resources and even miracles. Raising a family "unto the Lord" has made me feel a very strong and deep connection to him and a sense of purpose and mission that gives meaning to my everyday life.

I didn't come at it super qualified. I was the youngest in a very spread out family--so I had little experience with babies or homemaking. But I was willing--and if you think about it, a "willing heart" has always been the Lord's only requirement. I just gave myself over to the process fully. Today, I can hardly read the scripture "He who loses his life shall find it" without feeling like it was written just for me. In layers and layers of ways, I have found joy and fulfillment as a person. I could fill a book with stories and examples of tiny and huge experiences with my children. And it's truly been a wonderful venture and partnership with my husband. Our children are our joy!

The church's current statement on the subject is your ultimate guideline and it's perfect. It allows for people to consider their abilities and situation. It allows for couples to make unified decisions and respects their agency. Dalin Oakes gave an excellent talk a few years ago on the subject. He said, "How many children should you have?....All you can." And that number, for many reasons, is different for everyone.

If I were turning 29 and had some years ahead, I would fill them up with children. But that's me. It will be exciting for you to discover what the Lord has in store for you.

With Love,

Jane

Dealing with Loneliness?

The Question:

Thank you for your blog. I just discovered it yesterday and it was so wonderful to read. It gave some solid ideas of ways to deal with my kids and things to think about as I drifted off to sleep about being a mom. I have 5 children, ages 15 - 4. My husband travels quite a bit and so I am used to being on my own in terms of parenting. I enjoy reading to my kids and being the one to always be there when they need me.

My question is this - How do you deal with loneliness?

I am not close with my own family or my husbands. Our ward that we live in has so many wonderful people, but as my bishop states - it's a great ward for acquaintances, not good friendships. I don't want to go into details, because I will not whine. We live in a nice area and there are so many good people here. I wish I had a friend that had kids my own kids ages and that we could depend on each other. I always do my callings, try to serve when I see a need arise, volunteer at my kids school, try to listen more than talk, etc. But I guess one of my trials in this life is to deal with loneliness. My husband is wonderful and I love to talk to him. He is my best friend, but sometimes it would be nice to share experiences with someone who is of my own gender. My good friends from school days live far away. Heavenly Father has heard many prayers on the subject and he always sends comfort and peace. I hear and see so many families and friends enjoying themselves and their relationship and I feel envious of that closeness.

Thank you for faith and testimony. I love all your references to the scriptures and our Savior. I think that all our struggles can be answered through prayers and scriptures. I just haven't found the answer that brings me peace to this problem. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

Is anything harder than loneliness? I think we've all experienced it. We move to a new place. We are tied down with little children. Maybe we're naturally shy. Or as you mentioned, we aren't blessed with a warm circle of extended family. Whatever the reason, it's a difficult trial. And many, many people struggle with it. A friend I've known for years and go to church with every Sunday confided one day that she feels very lonely and isolated--like she is on the outside. I was truly surprised. She seemed to have lots of friends--but in her day to day life, she felt alone.

Another friend of mine taught me a serious lesson a few years ago. She moved into our ward and I'll tell you now that it's a wonderful ward but not the easiest one to break into. It seems like everyone is related to someone--families that extend in every direction. People don't move often so they have longstanding relationships. So my friend didn't wait around for people to reach out to her. She organized a play group, got a book club going, invited people over, called around and invited a bunch of families to meet at the park on a summer day--(just bring a lunch and come.) It was last minute but I was shocked at the turnout. It showed me that a lot of people were really needing to connect--and maybe just waiting for someone to invite them. And I was amazed that my friend took matters into her own hands and made sure that her own social needs were met--while blessing many others in the process.

One time I taught a lesson on an interesting way to write a personal history. Several people wanted to learn more so I offered to host a monthly class. We would meet at my house, have a potluck lunch and share samples of our writing with eachother. Imagine my shock when over 30 people showed up! I really don't believe that all those people wanted to write a history. No way. They wanted to connect! I believe this is the single greatest insight I can give you. You are not the only person who feels lonely. The majority of people around you struggle with this to some degree and no one will ever be offended by an invitation (unless, of course, it involves multi-level marketing).

This may be painful, but you're going to need to become proactive. Sign up for enrichment classes. Let it be known that you're looking for a scrapbooking friend or a walking partner or someone to help you paint a room. Invite a couple to go out with you and your husband or call some moms and meet at McDonald's for lunch. Think about something you'd be really comfortable instigating-- then do it! My friend Marvel went through a painful divorce and moved to a new place after 20 years of comfortable relationships. When I visited her a few short months later, I was surprised to find that she already loved her new ward. She explained that on her first Sunday there, she signed up for every possible thing--mid-week classes, taking in meals, cleaning the church--all with the goal of making friends. It worked.

My personal favorite thing to do is to invite two or three families over on a Friday night. I tell them to each bring a game and a snack. It's never awkward because it's a good size group and doing it almost always leads to natural friendships. I do it fairly often.

Also, be open to "unlikely" friendships. Some of my closest friends are 20 years younger than I am. My running partner couldn't be more different than I am. On the surface, we have very little common ground--but walking or running together every day, we've discovered all sorts of similarities and have learned a lot from eachother. Now that I think of it, some of my closest friends through the years have been exercise partners. That hour a day really makes for some serious bonding.

In a few years, your children will become excellent friends--they're my favorites ever. One of the great benefits of loving and respecting them while they're growing up, is that they don't have anything against you when they're grown! You have some purely good friendships.

Don't pray for friends--pray for ideas and then act on them. The Lord wants our hearts to be knit together and he will provide ways for that to happen.

With love,

Jane

A Loving Approach to Discipline?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I was re-reading all posts on the blog, and I came across this paragraph from the very first post, when you were discussing showing love to our children and teaching them correctly:

Teach them to repent. When they make mistakes, our first impulse is to punish them or separate ourselves from them by having a time-out. Sometimes that's ok. But we need to take the time to explain simply what they have done and what the results were. How can we repair this? How can we make our brother happy? How will you clean this up? I could honestly address this for a few pages. How we deal with their mistakes is right at the core of developing their conscience. The more loving we are, the less shaming we are, the more free they will be to feel their own feelings of sorrow for what they have done. You said you could "address this for a few pages."

That is my desire, and my question for this blog: would you elaborate on this idea in a post? Basically, my question is, would you specifically address the question of loving discipline? You touch on a myriad of principles, just in this paragraph: connecting logical consquences to discipline; talking our children through their mistakes, rather than punishing them harshly; developing a keen conscience in our children; loving versus shaming; teaching repentance; and helping our children learn to repair themselves that which they have damaged. Would you elaborate? I am extremely interested to know what you have to say, and if you have any specific examples from your own experience as a mother.

Thank you for a wonderful read every week on the blog.

Sincerely,
Brynn


The Answer:

Dear Brynn,

The one area of parenting that has probably undergone the greatest evolution for me is discipline. When I started out as a parent, I was converted to the idea of "natural consequences." That is, that if my child did something wrong, I would allow him to suffer the consequences of his decision. Since many actions don't have immediate consequences, I would often create consequences when necessary. For example, if I told my son to be home by 5:00 and he walked in at 5:15, I would need to enforce the predetermined consequence. You will need to stay in tomorrow. I wish it were otherwise, but this is what we agreed upon. This method of discipline supposedly puts you and your child on the same side. You and he vs. the consequences. You "wish" he had chosen otherwise, but since he didn't...

This seems good and very logical. We are supposedly preparing our children for the "real world" with real consequences. But something about it really bothered me. It seemed very cold. And while, in theory, I was on the same side as my child, I felt like the enemy. And, worse than that, I wondered if they were feeling sorry at all for their behavior, or was it the consequences that they were regretting? At about this time, I discovered the book, "Raising Your Child Not By Force, But By Love". It's not a terribly "user-friendly" book but I couldn't put it down. It became a guide to me and changed my whole approach and as I applied its principles, I loved the results.

It is really based (as I mentioned in an earlier post) on the Golden Rule. We treat our child as we would like to be treated. How many times have we been 15 minutes late? We lost track of the time. We had a last-minute emergency. We were just trying to finish something up. With this in mind, when our child walks in later than agreed, we ask what happened. We tell them that we were starting to worry and that next time, we'd like a phone call if there is a problem. We give them a hug. Inside, they are feeling sorry and they resolve to do better. This pattern occurs again and again. Our child wants to please us and they want to do what is right. When we inflict a punishment, our child (who is not rational) feels anger, a sense of injustice (even though our consequence is perfectly fair) and distanced from us. They also feel (and this is a big key) that they have "paid" for their mistake and they have no need to feel bad about it. Either method will teach our child to come home on time or call. It's just that one method is externally motivated while the other comes from within.

I will give an example. My son Seth is 16 and a very good student. He's also very busy with sports, church, student government, etc. I noticed last semester that he wasn't spending as much time on homework as usual and I asked him about it. He reassured me. When grades came out, though, he was genuinely surprised that he had a C on his report card. I was tempted, of course, to lecture or insist that he give up something. But I didn't. I let him feel what he felt. Pretty soon he said, "I really deserved this grade. I just didn't do what I should have. I'm going to bring this up." And he has. The beauty is, that I assume a supportive role. I really am on his side and he feels it. I'm not the sheriff.

I believe that the reason Seth is this way, is because he has been raised for many years by love and not by force. He has a very keen conscience and we have a very close relationship. The real payoff for using this type of discipline comes when our children are teenagers. These principles of love and teaching didn't incite anger or resistance when they were children. Now that they are big and can assert their independence, we can rely on the fact that they will continue to make good choices because inside, they want to and because they love us. This is not a difficult or complex way to discipline. When in doubt about how to handle a situation, just think of the golden rule. It's that simple. How would I want to be treated? If I wrecked the car and came home, how would I want my husband to respond? If he rolled his eyes and lectured me (or grounded me from driving), I would feel defensive and angry. If he hugged me and sympathized with my experience, I would admit that I'd been foolish. "I can't believe I ran that light....I'll be more careful....I'm sorry." These are the sort of words that we will gradually hear from our children as we make them feel safe enough to say them.

When they feel genuinely sorry, a natural outgrowth will be a desire to repair their mistake. It's easy to help them find ways to do that. As they grow older, they will do it naturally. Yesterday my son Brian (14) was unkind to Peter (8). Brian and I went in his room and I asked him to tell me what happened. He told me what Peter had done--how he had badgered him until he had finally retaliated. I put myself in Brian's place and sympathized. "Peter really is at an annoying age. I can't believe how patient you are with him." That's all I said. Brian then admitted that he hadn't been very patient this time. Within a few minutes I heard him apologizing to Peter and things went well for the rest of the night.

Don't mistake this merciful, loving approach to discipline for overall permissiveness. We have very high standards for our children. We just promote those standards without shouting, punishing or belittling. But.... I must admit to semi-frequent soapbox lectures. I think they help me vent. My kids humor me and listen to them and as long as the lectures don't attack them personally, I think they're fairly harmless.

This is it in a nutshell. I encourage you to experiment with these principles for a long enough time that you see results. I'd love to hear your experiences.

With love,
Jane

Fostering Obedience?

The Question:

My daughter's attitude is driving me crazy! She is 7, and had always been a very obedient, intelligent, loving kid. Over the last few months, though, trying to get her to do ANYTHING is like pulling teeth! We ask her to clean her room (a job that should take 5 minutes if she's doing it right every day) and 15 minutes later we go in to check on her and she's playing house with her stuffed animals. We take away the distraction and remind her that she's supposed to be cleaning, and 5 minutes later we find her making blanket forts in her closet. We get upset and threaten to take away a priviledge, and then we leave. 5 minutes later she's hiding under her bed, reading.

She acts like this with chores, homework, eating, helping around the house, ANYTHING that means she has to pay attention to her little brother..... I don't know what to do anymore. Here's what we've tried so far.

We have tried a red light in the hallway to remind the kids not to come out and get distracted.
We've tried a coupon system.
We've tried taking away priviledges.
We've even thrown out the things that they refuse to take care of.
We've tried sitting in the room and babysitting her while she does it. That just results in her stuffing things where they don't belong when she thinks we aren't looking.
We've had many loooong discussions about the choices that Satan wants you to make vs. the choices that the Holy Ghost wants you to make, and she's always the first to point out disobedience as a "Satan Choice".

She's a very maternal girl, so we've even thrown in the discussions on how and why she needs to be a good example to her younger brothers. RIght now we have a system set up where every day that their chores get done they earn 5 minutes on the nintendo, and when they earn 1/2 an hour, they can cash it in. Her 5-year-old brother has earned 1 1/2 hours in the time it's taken her to earn 20 minutes. I'm having a hard time buying into the idea that maybe she's just becoming a flake because it's ALL THE TIME, but I'm also having a hard time believing that she's being openly disobedient. Maybe I'm just in denial? If it is just her being flaky, how can we help her focus more? And if she's being disobedient, how to I teach her that this is not OK, since nothing else that we have tried seems to be working? Sorry it's so long, but thanks for any help you can give me!

Mary

The Answer:

Dear Mary,

I want to recommend a book that I have come to value very much. It's called, "Raising Your Child, Not By Force But By Love". I warn you right up front that I've recommended this book many times before. Some people have thanked me profusely, while others have politely returned it after a few days. But I love the approach. Rather than being based heavily on natural consequences (the Law of Moses), it's based on the Golden Rule. I see it as a higher law. You treat your child as you would like to be treated. And as they feel very secure in your love and that their agency is important, they will do what is right...eventually.

I think you're in a negative spiral with your daughter. She doesn't really care if she pleases you and she isn't really responding to her conscience. She knows what is right but she doesn't feel motivated to do it. So you can force her to do it. You can stand over her and cajole her and blackmail, threaten and bribe and indeed, the job will get done, but what has been the price?

I would start at square one. I would work first on the relationship. Focus heavily on your daughter for a few days without making many demands. Give physical affection. If she is resistant to this, it's because she really doesn't feel loved by you. I know that's not true, but that's how she's feeling. Do lots of things with her and for her and win her heart back. Ask her to do something and give her a deadline. "Your favorite show is on in 15 minutes. Can you have your room cleaned by then?" If you come 10 minutes later and it's not even started, say (you're not going to believe this) "Oh no, I don't want you to miss your show. Can I help you? ....Can I do it for you?" I know what you're thinking. What??!!! What is that teaching my daughter? I'll tell you. It's teaching her that you love her absolutely unconditionally---without manipulation, no strings attached. You clean her room and leave a piece of candy on her pillow with a note that says "I love you." This consistant show of love will accomplish two very important things. Your love and regard for her will grow. Her anger will subside and she will feel free to act. The whole time you're working, she really will feel that she's been unfair. She'll be waiting for you to snap, but you won't and when she sees that, she will step up...eventually.

I keep a steady constant pattern of this going in my children's lives. It doesn't mean I'm permissive---far from it. I just keep them always within the circle of my love. I give and I ask things of them. I do many things because I love them. They do many things because they love me. As they turn into teen-agers, I know they'll be wonderful if I haven't killed their conscience and their love for me by dominating them when they were children.

This isn't just a nice theory. This is a wonderful way to parent. It is consistant with God's plan which is based heavily on love and agency. Maybe the reason I gravitated toward this method is because it goes well with my personality. I'm not sure if it's for everyone. But since it's me you asked, I will tell you that it has made motherhood a joy instead of a burden. And my children have grown up to be my closest friends.

With all my love,

Jane