New Mom Isolation?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

 

I know it has been a long time since you were just a mother of one, but as that is what I am, that is where my question comes from. My question isn't about my baby, it's about me.

 

Now, let me first set some things straight. I love being a mother. It is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. My daughter is seriously an angel baby. When she's having a rough day, other people don't understand because that is how their babies were on normal days. She is a great sleeper and is as cute as can be. I love her. She is great. I am doing everything I can to soak up these precious moments when I am her best friend and she lights up when she sees me. I know this time is going to go by fast.

 

My problem is the loneliness in my life. My husband is great, but he is working while also attending law school. Although he is the oldest in his family, he struggles with his schedule no longer being his own with the little one around, esp. since our time together is limited due to the demands on his time. We don't live anywhere near family; we don't feel like we fit in at all in our ward (which is amazing in a ward where there have already been something like 20 babies born this year, you would think we'd be perfect in that demographic.) I am tired of trying to make friends and failing, but 18 hours alone every day with a 3 month old gets to be a little isolating. I even have talked to my doctor about PPD, but she's fairly certain that that is not my issue.

 

When it is a chore just to get to the grocery store with my little one, how am I supposed to be motivated to get out  and do other things? How can I combat this new mom isolation and have a conversation where I can get a response that is a little more complex than ga ga goo?

Thank you,

AJ

 

The Answer:

Dear AJ,

 

I am reasonably certain that since you wrote this letter back in July, you have already solved this problem to some degree.  But because I've received several letters like yours, I'm going to offer some suggestions.

 

First let me refer you to a response from last March (March 8: Dealing with Loneliness)  In it, I give almost every idea I can think of for reaching out and connecting with others.  There are also several great comments from readers that might help you.

 

But besides "reaching out" ideas, I'd like to give you one other thought.  I've discovered over my lifetime, that there are some lonely seasons.  I've gone through them.  I've watched my children go through them.  I think they serve a purpose.  We really learn compassion when we experience that isolated feeling.  We don't like to see someone sitting alone.  We are motivated to teach our children how to notice and include people.   But more than even these valuable lessons, I think we really discover the reality of a Heavenly Father.  I've never felt closer to him than during those times when I've run out of places to turn.  The more lonely I've felt, the more open I've been to his love.  Maybe it's just that we have to be really empty before we recognize how it feels to be filled.  Certainly, those times of isolation and need have deepened my testimony more than the times of feast.

 

Because before long, life becomes full and busy and so we forget, to some degree, that most precious relationship and we lose, to some degree, that precious dependence. 

 

So my suggestion is that you try to form friendships, but also learn the lessons that your present life can teach you. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

Dealing with Loneliness?

The Question:

Thank you for your blog. I just discovered it yesterday and it was so wonderful to read. It gave some solid ideas of ways to deal with my kids and things to think about as I drifted off to sleep about being a mom. I have 5 children, ages 15 - 4. My husband travels quite a bit and so I am used to being on my own in terms of parenting. I enjoy reading to my kids and being the one to always be there when they need me.

My question is this - How do you deal with loneliness?

I am not close with my own family or my husbands. Our ward that we live in has so many wonderful people, but as my bishop states - it's a great ward for acquaintances, not good friendships. I don't want to go into details, because I will not whine. We live in a nice area and there are so many good people here. I wish I had a friend that had kids my own kids ages and that we could depend on each other. I always do my callings, try to serve when I see a need arise, volunteer at my kids school, try to listen more than talk, etc. But I guess one of my trials in this life is to deal with loneliness. My husband is wonderful and I love to talk to him. He is my best friend, but sometimes it would be nice to share experiences with someone who is of my own gender. My good friends from school days live far away. Heavenly Father has heard many prayers on the subject and he always sends comfort and peace. I hear and see so many families and friends enjoying themselves and their relationship and I feel envious of that closeness.

Thank you for faith and testimony. I love all your references to the scriptures and our Savior. I think that all our struggles can be answered through prayers and scriptures. I just haven't found the answer that brings me peace to this problem. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

Is anything harder than loneliness? I think we've all experienced it. We move to a new place. We are tied down with little children. Maybe we're naturally shy. Or as you mentioned, we aren't blessed with a warm circle of extended family. Whatever the reason, it's a difficult trial. And many, many people struggle with it. A friend I've known for years and go to church with every Sunday confided one day that she feels very lonely and isolated--like she is on the outside. I was truly surprised. She seemed to have lots of friends--but in her day to day life, she felt alone.

Another friend of mine taught me a serious lesson a few years ago. She moved into our ward and I'll tell you now that it's a wonderful ward but not the easiest one to break into. It seems like everyone is related to someone--families that extend in every direction. People don't move often so they have longstanding relationships. So my friend didn't wait around for people to reach out to her. She organized a play group, got a book club going, invited people over, called around and invited a bunch of families to meet at the park on a summer day--(just bring a lunch and come.) It was last minute but I was shocked at the turnout. It showed me that a lot of people were really needing to connect--and maybe just waiting for someone to invite them. And I was amazed that my friend took matters into her own hands and made sure that her own social needs were met--while blessing many others in the process.

One time I taught a lesson on an interesting way to write a personal history. Several people wanted to learn more so I offered to host a monthly class. We would meet at my house, have a potluck lunch and share samples of our writing with eachother. Imagine my shock when over 30 people showed up! I really don't believe that all those people wanted to write a history. No way. They wanted to connect! I believe this is the single greatest insight I can give you. You are not the only person who feels lonely. The majority of people around you struggle with this to some degree and no one will ever be offended by an invitation (unless, of course, it involves multi-level marketing).

This may be painful, but you're going to need to become proactive. Sign up for enrichment classes. Let it be known that you're looking for a scrapbooking friend or a walking partner or someone to help you paint a room. Invite a couple to go out with you and your husband or call some moms and meet at McDonald's for lunch. Think about something you'd be really comfortable instigating-- then do it! My friend Marvel went through a painful divorce and moved to a new place after 20 years of comfortable relationships. When I visited her a few short months later, I was surprised to find that she already loved her new ward. She explained that on her first Sunday there, she signed up for every possible thing--mid-week classes, taking in meals, cleaning the church--all with the goal of making friends. It worked.

My personal favorite thing to do is to invite two or three families over on a Friday night. I tell them to each bring a game and a snack. It's never awkward because it's a good size group and doing it almost always leads to natural friendships. I do it fairly often.

Also, be open to "unlikely" friendships. Some of my closest friends are 20 years younger than I am. My running partner couldn't be more different than I am. On the surface, we have very little common ground--but walking or running together every day, we've discovered all sorts of similarities and have learned a lot from eachother. Now that I think of it, some of my closest friends through the years have been exercise partners. That hour a day really makes for some serious bonding.

In a few years, your children will become excellent friends--they're my favorites ever. One of the great benefits of loving and respecting them while they're growing up, is that they don't have anything against you when they're grown! You have some purely good friendships.

Don't pray for friends--pray for ideas and then act on them. The Lord wants our hearts to be knit together and he will provide ways for that to happen.

With love,

Jane