Letters From Jane: Feeling Joy

Dear Friends,


My school year is wrapping up and it’s time to turn my attention to something I really love—all this talk about motherhood. I welcome your questions—though I hope you realize that you are wiser than you know and that if you were on a desert island with no internet and no access to any resources, you could find every answer you need. The beauty of the blog, though, is the feeling that you aren’t on an island and that you’re connected to mothers who believe as you do and share your dedication to this work of all works.

We’ve all heard about gratitude journals. The idea is that at the end of the day, when everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, we’re supposed to pause for a few minutes and recall and then list the things that we’re thankful for. It’s a good idea because it gets us looking throughout the day for the little things we’re glad we have. But what if instead of waiting until bedtime, we learned to stop right in the middle of what we’re doing and let joy distill--just let ourselves feel the full pleasure of a moment before moving on to the next one. I think we’re most likely to feel a little surge of joy when we get all of our senses involved—we touch and smell and listen and let it sink in. We see the rain on the window or the wind in the trees outside and we cuddle our baby and smell his hair and squeeze his round little leg and hear his breathing.

And then the secret to pushing that moment of pleasure all the way to joy is to consider that all of this is a gift from a Heavenly Father who loves us and offers us all that he has—not just at the end, but every moment. What if we actually tried to capture, say, ten of those moments every day—what if we didn’t wait for the spectacular—we just paused in the mundane to really see.

I confess that I have little tricks I do to create moments that I love. For example, I like to make cookies and then race to have the kitchen perfectly clean before they come out of the oven. Then I like to sit down with my children in my nice clean kitchen and drink cold milk from mugs with our warm cookies. It’s so prosaic and corny—motherhood….warm cookies and milk—but I love it. I love it every time.

And another one. I love to clean my room—I mean dust and vacuum and polish the mirror and put everything away and then lay there in that nice clean room and read—by myself if it works out, or with my children.

Both of these examples have involved creating order, almost as a prerequisite to joy. And I think you know what I mean when I say that order helps. But if we wait for order or a big bank account or perfect harmony, we’re going to miss out on a lot of joyful moments.

I’ve actually let myself feel joy when everyone is crying at once and there are toys everywhere and the TV is blaring. It’s just so chaotic that it’s really funny. And I love the feeling that I can regain control. I have the power to make everyone in this room happy—one by one –and to turn off the TV and put on some music and rally the troops in a new direction.

One of my best no-fail methods of feeling joy is to shift the focus to an eternal perspective. Sometimes when I’m just talking to one of my children, I’ll let myself see us—sitting here talking on the earth in this tiny moment of eternity. He will only be a fifteen year old boy this one time in the whole scheme of things. And who knows what things will be like when we leave this earth. Will we ever sit in a bedroom with soccer cleats and backpacks and discuss the challenges of life together—his voice cracking every now and then? I doubt it. This is the only now we have. I value it—and him and I feel joy.

I believe the ability to feel joy is a talent that, if practiced becomes natural and just like with any talent, some people seem born with it. If you’re fortunate enough to be one of those, then just carry on. But if you aren’t, stay with it. Your eyes will open more and more. And don’t forget to share your joys with your children. That way, they’ll learn to see them to.

Have an especially good day.

Love,

Jane

Discouraged By What I'm Not Doing?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am in my ward’s Primary presidency and I have three very active young children ages five, three, and a new baby. My husband works very long hours (usually more than 12 a day) and travels. I am grateful to be able to stay home with our kids and recognize the blessing it is, but by the end of the day I’m exhausted, frustrated, and go to bed knowing that I’m going to have to do it all over again tomorrow. I know my situation is far from unique and that women all over the world do exactly what I’m doing everyday—probably with much more patience. But since I constantly feel emotionally and physically drained I feel like I have no energy for my Primary calling. I live in a very young ward with a large Primary so everyone serving in callings also has young children. I want to be dedicated and to care about the children in our ward and to feel a deep concern for their well-being, but most days I don’t even feel like I can offer my all to my own children let alone everyone else’s children. I’m not going to ask for a release from my calling and I feel happy when I’m in Primary, but the rest of the week I rarely think about the children in my ward and things I can do to help them and I feel bad for not wanting to care/feeling like I can care. Do you have any advice?


Sincerely,
The Ornery Primary Lady
 
The Answer:
 
Dear Friend,

Actually, I would say that your situation is pretty unique--your husband working twelve hour days and travelling besides? A new baby and two other little ones? No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. In response to your letter, I'd like to share a little lesson that I recently learned from my daughter, Natalie. It has really helped me and maybe it can be a lesson for all of us. Natalie has four little boys and another on the way. The oldest is five. About a month ago, I was really worried about her. She seemed completely buried--tired and discouraged. I don't live close to her and because I am finishing my degree right now, I wasn't even available by phone. Our hurried conversations always left me feeling helpless. I offered many prayers for her throughout my days at school. Then one day, she shared a new insight she had gained. It was so profound. She realized that it was humanly impossible to do all that was required of her in a day, perfectly. She was just one person--one tired, pregnant person. So she stopped and thought about what mattered most to her...what gave her the most satisfaction at the end of the day, and what disappointed her the most if left undone. She realized that what really mattered the most to her were her relationships--with the Lord, with her husband and with her children, She decided that those relationships would come first for her. She began to make sure that she made time for scripture study. She has always studied but now it became a top priority. She became more attuned to each of her children. If the laundry sat undone it was ok. It things weren't perfect, they weren't. At the end of the day, she measured her success by these relationships. She was surprised to find that by putting those things first, the other tasks usually fell into place as well. But inwardly, she felt a new peace.


All of that said, I want to encourage you not to give up on your church calling. I've known a lot of people who let their callings go in the name of "family comes first" and usually, they don't experience the relief they hoped for. Over the years, I've accepted callings and I see them as an opportunity to use my talents in serving the Lord. As a result, my capacities have increased and many of my talents have been developed in ways that are surprising. For example, I've learned to organize people, plan and carry out activities, assess needs and meet them. I've grown musically and learned teaching skills. I've learned a great deal about child development. Long before I had teen-agers, I had the opportunity to work with them and understand their challenges. It played a part in how I taught my little children when I got home--what I chose to emphasize to prepare them for those years. I came to understand that magnifying my callings in the church, not only brought blessings to our family, but expanded me personally.


Of course, there is another great benefit. As our children watch us give our all to the Lord, they learn that he is important--they learn to be magnifiers themselves. I certainly got that message from my mother. I'll never forget her years as a Stake MIA president. Back then, it was a tremendously demanding calling. I must have been about 6 or 7 when we spent an entire Saturday decorating the church for a "Centennial Ball." We transformed a room into an ice cream parlor, we hung chandeliers (that we had constructed from coat hangers, twinkle lights and spray paint) all over the gym--and more. It was so elaborate. But I learned that we give our best to the church. It's the Lord's kingdom on earth. I can tell you honestly, that my service in the church has never taken away from my family. When I start feeling like I don't like a calling, I sit down and list all the things I could be doing to magnify it and then I just start doing them little by little. Before I know it, I love my calling. And almost every one of my closest friendships have been formed as I've worked along side people in the church. It's the way our hearts are knit together. Those connections, with your presidency, teachers and especially the children can bring joy and meaning to your life as you make this sacrifice.


I hope this reply doesn't seem insensitive. I really do know that your life is very demanding. But remember that the Lord thinks you can do this even with a full plate. Maybe he wants to stretch you. I'm grateful that he has steadily believed in me through the years, challenged me and accepted my efforts. May he bless you.


With love,
Jane

A Letter From Jane: A House Of Order

Dear Readers,

I know that when you read the title of this letter, you’ll be hoping for cleaning tips or organization methods.  I do have some of those.  But I want to say a word today about something more basic.  And I’d like to start out by issuing you a challenge.  This challenge is going to sound impossible.  So you know I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important and if I didn’t know how much it would bless your life.  Here it is.  I want you to begin every day with 15 minutes or more of scripture study, followed by a really good prayer.  I’m not sure how you’re going to do it…how you’ll need to juggle, but I want you to commit to try.  

And it really matters that you do it before everything else.  Here’s why.

1. It clearly tells the Lord that he comes first with you—that everything else in your life is built upon this relationship.  You know that wonderful scripture in Ether (5:12)  …it is upon the rock of your Redeemer that you must build your foundation…  Picture that your days are like structures that you are building. When you place the Lord first, he becomes the foundation of your work.  Like paying tithing first, there is power in everything else that follows and confidence that your efforts will be magnified, blessed and that the windows of heaven will be opened.  When we launch into our day without that help, we are flying alone.  Our Heavenly Father becomes an afterthought…even an obligation.  
2. You will experience an increase of peace.  I love this quote by Merrill Bateman:  “As faith grows, our vision of eternity expands, which increases our capacity to meet life’s challenges.”   There is no more challenging life than yours.  You need wisdom.  You need ideas and plans and blueprints to go on as you raise these little children.  Why wouldn’t we enlist the Lord’s help and depend on his direction?  There is no more satisfying experience than to receive a flash of inspiration about one of your children—knowing that it came from outside of yourself.  It’s usually something so simple but when implemented it turns the tide.  It’s always loving.  And peace comes because you recognize that you are not alone.  You remember that you are not the only parent here.  You are really just an instrument.  As I’ve mentioned before, these flashes of light do not usually come during the prayer or even during the scripture study, but later in the day.
3. It is the way to truly teach your children the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It becomes written in the “fleshy tablets of your heart.”   You teach them from your own experience.  When you tell them of the reality of God, they know that you know.  Otherwise, it’s only words.  The accumulated days of study and prayer, produce in you, core strength.  There is no substitute for that.  There is no shortcut.   Our world is darkening.  In the past few weeks, I have watched some of my most precious friends struggle with their faith, lose their testimony and let go.  We’re going to see this more and more as we move into these final days.  Our children need more than visual aids.  They need to know because their mothers taught them.  

There are other reasons.  But unless you really commit to this and create this pattern in your life, you will not experience the blessings.  Give place for this expansion to happen.  It will give perspective and often solutions to every single problem in your life.  I know this from my own experience.  I’ll end with my current favorite scripture.  I read it in Gospel Doctrine class this past Sunday and I loved it.

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.  For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her tent shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.”   Jeremiah 17: 7-8

All my love,
Jane

Discussing Sexuality With Children?

The Question:

Hi there,

I just have to ask, how and when do you discuss sexuality with children?  What do you include, or leave out?  I have a seven year old, and was surprised to learn that many of her friends have already had the talk from their parents.  My daughter hasn't expressed any curiosity about where babies come from, or how our bodies change, etc.  Help!

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

I'll confess that I made a lot of mistakes in this area.  I grew up in the most "Victorian" of homes and the topic of sex was never discussed.  Never.  So I sort of had the idea that since I managed to figure things out, it wasn't absolutely necessary to go into much detail with my children.

As a matter of fact, just a moment ago, while I was typing this response, my daughter, Marlee, who is at BYU,  sent an instant message and we had the following conversation:

marlee: MOM

me: Marlee! hello.

marlee: are you at school?

me: yes

marlee: me too!

me: I'm answering an Asking Jane letter about when to talk to your children about sex.  Not exactly my strong point.

marlee: haha.  Just say: "Don't tell them. That's what I did."

There you have it--a little glimpse into one of my weak spots.  So I'm going to answer this question based on what I know now and what I would do now if I had it to do over again.

What I did:
I expected my husband to talk with the boys, while I handled the topic (haphazardly) with the girls.

What I should have done:
As a mother, I would talk with each of my children--boys and girls--and make sure that this topic was safe and comfortable in our home.

What I did:
I waited until they asked before I talked to them.

What I should have done:
At around 10-12 (depending on the child), I would initiate this conversation if it hadn't come up yet.  I know there is disagreement about when.  A lot of people think 8 is ideal but I think it might be a little hard for my 8-year-olds to swallow.

What I did:
I assumed that once I'd talked to most of them, the word would filter down through the ranks.  So some slipped through the cracks.

What I should have done: 
I should never have treated this vital topic carelessly.  I should have seen that each of my children was taught individually.

What I did right!
I really taught modesty at an early age and a high regard for the body.  I didn't allow crudeness.

When I did sit down and talk to my daughters, I taught them in the context of our Heavenly Father's plan for us.  I used the Proclamation on the Family as a guide.  This conversation was really powerful because it became clear that Satan had an arsenal of ammunition and our discussion led to the many ways he uses it.  This topic really does invite the spirit because it is at the core of our creation and purpose.  Since I had often taught my children the plan of salvation, and they had an understanding of why they were here on the earth, they easily accepted this new information.

This is a wicked world and Satan has hit new lows in his distortion and display of sex. It's not okay to approach this responsibility in the careless way that I did.  We must give a clear and timely understanding to our children.  I hope that you can learn from my mistakes.

With love,
Jane

Am I Giving My Child A Persecution Complex?

The Question:

My question for you is hard for me to put succinctly, but it's something that I'd really like to see discussed a little bit.

As my kids have been getting older, we've been able to start teaching them some more interesting things in Family Home Evening.  Recently we've talked about church history, and the Plan of Salvation, for example.  Discussing these kinds of topics naturally brings us to discussions of how our church is different from other churches, and how members of our church have been persecuted because of their beliefs.  As these things come up, I can see my kids processing these ideas in their sweet little minds, and something about the looks on their faces just breaks my heart.  Suddenly it dawned on me that I am teaching them that they will be persecuted.  And I just feel so strangely conflicted about that.  

Am I setting them up with a persecution complex?  Should I let them discover persecution by their own experience?  Am I teaching them to be ashamed of themselves and their faith by teaching them that they are different?  I just want my kids to be strong and confident as well as faithful and obedient, and something about the looks on their faces has me questioning what lessons were being communicated.  It felt like I was exposing them to an evil that they shouldn't have to face yet. What do you think?

Love,

Tara

The Answer:

 Dear Tara,

That's really an interesting question--and one I'd never really thought about.   As mothers, it's our natural instinct to protect our children.  But when you think about it, we start  preparing them for the injustices of life very early.  We tell them stories of Cinderella, Snow White and The Ugly Duckling.  And, of course, the scriptures are filled with stories of the faithful who stood up to persecution.

Without really thinking about it, I guess I've always taught my children that they might be persecuted for their beliefs and standards but they'll be in good company.   Over the years, each of my children have had a handful of experiences with it---almost always in the context of living their standards.  For example, most of them have had to tell a group of friends that they wouldn't watch a certain movie or participate in certain activities.  Around sixth grade when lots of kids are pairing off and "going out", mine have had to explain that they won't do this.  I really love it when they have these experiences, when they start to feel that pressure.   I'm especially proud when they have the courage to say, "This is something I won't do"" rather than "My parents won't allow it." 

They feel good when they make these stands and they discover for themselves that pleasing God is better than pleasing their friends.  They distinguish themselves as true followers.   

When it comes to outright persecution about their religion, for us it's been rare.  When our son Brian was in first grade, he came home from school one day and announced that his best friend Cody "is never allowed to play with me again because I'm a Mormon."    It turned out that Cody's dad was a minister and very antagonistic toward our church.  True to his word, Cody never did play with Brian.   It was a pretty harsh experience but Brian didn't develop a persecution complex.  I think he just learned early about misunderstanding and prejudice.
 

I think the discussions you've had with your children are good.  Teach them that, yes, they might encounter persecution in their life but that's alright.  You hope they'll be strong and valiant when it comes.  These kinds of resolves build confidence.  And the first time they have to really stand up for their beliefs, they'll learn something great about themselves--something they couldn't find out without that opposition.
 

All my love,

Jane

What To Do About More Complex Problems?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I guess I still don't get it.  I don't have a clear picture of what your discipline looks like.  I liked the example that you gave of your child coming home late, and thinking about how you would want to be treated if you were late- it makes sense, and I have been able to apply it to some situations at home with great success.  But, I get stuck when it gets more complex- like one kid saying something hurtful to another, or when the older kids aren't willing to allow the younger kids to play with them or share with them.  Or when someone back talks to me.  Then what?  Please help me to understand.  I want to do better.  I have so many questions- but this one is at the top of the list!  Thank you!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a blueprint or a manual that would cover every situation.  I remember longing for one of those myself!   But I haven’t found one and I couldn’t write one.  It’s your privilege to decide what the climate of your home will be and how to create it.  My suggestions are really just general principles to guide you in that process.  

Let’s look at one of your concerns:  When older kids aren’t willing to allow the younger kids to play with them.

You’ve identified that as a problem in your home.  You know that you could force the older kids to play with the younger ones—but that won’t work.  It will breed resentment and contention.  You could set up a reward system in which older children earn points for including younger ones.  That would solve the problem on a superficial level, but again, you would be policing and orchestrating the situation.  What you really want is for your children to care about each other on a deeper level--enough that they would feel bad leaving one another out.  Encouraging and building those feelings in our children is possible—but it isn’t done overnight and it demands deeper thought and prayer on your part.

Spend some time thinking and praying about the situation.  Actually, all the concerns you talked about fall into the category of love and respect in your home.  The climate in your home is bothering you and you want to change it.  Know that the Lord wants you to succeed and he will inspire you with ideas.  I’ve been amazed again and again at the inspiration that begins to flow into my mind when I humbly seek it—insights that I would not have had, solutions that were so much simpler than I thought.  The solutions fit my family, my personality, my situation.  Some examples of this type of revelation might be:

I see that I am part of the problem.  The way that I am speaking, acting or treating my children is not modeling the behavior I’m hoping to see in them.

I see that one of my children is needy—discouraged or overlooked and therefore crippled when it comes to giving of himself in the family.

I feel impressed to talk to my older children about my vision for our family and enlist their aid in accomplishing it.

I might really see the point of view of my older children and have the ability to sympathize with their position when it comes to younger siblings.    When they feel understood and accepted, they naturally become more generous.

I might feel inspired to temporarily set up that point system I discussed earlier, as a way of turning the tide and raising awareness.

The general principles that I use involve teaching and loving, instead of continual discipline for failure.  These principles are especially effective when it comes to teaching love in the home.  It’s ironic when children are spanked for hitting or sent to their room for isolating a sibling.  Creating a loving environment, encourages love.  You model kindness when you speak kindly.  You teach patience when you are patient.  Most teen-agers who are disrespectful, are often spoken to disrespectfully, forcefully, and in ways that belittle.

I have often told my children over the years that this is our home, our family.  We knew each other before we came here and we hoped we’d be friends.  We get to decide how we want it to be.  I think it’s very important to keep the larger picture in view for everyone to see, to shoot for the ideal.

And one last thought.  When it comes to love in the home, my greatest asset (besides the Lord) is my oldest child.  Enlist their aid.  Give them lots of special attention and help them feel the weight of their role in the success of your family.  They very often set the tone.  As our children have left one by one, the next child steps into that role and becomes a great strength to us as they mature personally.  I would start fostering that role and relationship early.

Going back to your original question, I don’t really think of this as a “method of discipline”.  I don’t really discipline or punish.  I expect and teach and do everything I can to create an environment that will bring about success.

With Love,

Jane

Name Of The Talk?

The Question:

I was reading the post 'Family Planning' from March 10, 2010.  At the bottom of the post you quote Dallin H. Oaks and said that he gave a talk saying how many children should we have...as many as we can.  I would love to know the name of that talk.

The Answer:

Thanks for the question.  I didn't pull it up the article when I wrote my post, but this is the exact quote:  "How many children should a couple have? All they can care for!"

Here is an excerpt from the talk, given in General Conference in October of 1993:

Knowledge of the great plan of happiness also gives Latter-day Saints a distinctive attitude toward the bearing and nurturing of children.

In some times and places, children have been regarded as no more than laborers in a family economic enterprise or as insurers of support for their parents. Though repelled by these repressions, some persons in our day have no compunctions against similar attitudes that subordinate the welfare of a spirit child of God to the comfort or convenience of parents.

The Savior taught that we should not lay up treasures on earth but should lay up treasures in heaven (see Matt. 6:19–21). In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.

President Kimball said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (Ensign, May 1979, p. 6). When married couples postpone childbearing until after they have satisfied their material goals, the mere passage of time assures that they seriously reduce their potential to participate in furthering our Heavenly Father’s plan for all of his spirit children. Faithful Latter-day Saints cannot afford to look upon children as an interference with what the world calls “self-fulfillment.” Our covenants with God and the ultimate purpose of life are tied up in those little ones who reach for our time, our love, and our sacrifices.

How many children should a couple have? All they can care for! Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life. Children must be loved, nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capacities to be good parents themselves. Exercising faith in God’s promises to bless them when they are keeping his commandments, many LDS parents have large families. Others seek but are not blessed with children or with the number of children they desire. In a matter as intimate as this, we should not judge one another.

President Gordon B. Hinckley gave this inspired counsel to an audience of young Latter-day Saints:

“I like to think of the positive side of the equation, of the meaning and sanctity of life, of the purpose of this estate in our eternal journey, of the need for the experiences of mortal life under the great plan of God our Father, of the joy that is to be found only where there are children in the home, of the blessings that come of good posterity. When I think of these values and see them taught and observed, then I am willing to leave the question of numbers to the man and the woman and the Lord” (“If I Were You, What Would I Do?” Brigham Young University 1983–84 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1984, p. 11).

Read the full talk here.

I hope this is helpful!

Jane

How Do I Keep An Eternal Perspective?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am writing this to you as I sit in a locked bed room at the very end of my rope. Despite the irrational feelings of despair at the moment, the question I am about to ask you is tireless and something I wonder about even when I am myself.

How do you keep an eternal perspective and stay cheerful even when you feel like you are being horribly let down by your family? Whether it be housework, picking up after oneself, bickering, and just plain old “helping out.” I cannot expect my family to be perfect but I find that a lot of times I fall into the “little red hen” syndrome in that I tow the line 90% of the time. Then I feel used, under appreciated, the only one that cares and on and on. It is a self pity party that I cannot even stand. I never did like martyrs so when I feel like one it is not a good place to be.

Oh, we have done all the usual natural consequences, chore chart, reward system, etc. etc. When they work they work well, and when they don’t they don’t. It is ebb and flow for sure. But on a day to day basis I get tired of reminding, nagging, asking nicely, and just plain pushing to get the little things done. I have great kids. I feel lucky. I have a great husband. I feel like I won the lottery most days when I think of my family. The days of joy outweigh the days of woe.

I know the problem is mine and my perspective. So, how do I stay cheerful when I have to remind? How do I stay cheerful when they are fighting? How do I stay cheerful when I am let down? How do I put this all into perspective and stay cheerful while I choose my battles and not take everything soooooooooooo personally???? How do I just plain let go and enjoy these years in all of their imperfection?

Anonymous

The Answer:

I know. This is really hard work. Sometimes, just knowing that, helps. I don't play video games but I understand levels and that each level demands new skills, and usually a person dies several times before they master a level. But they just keep at it and gradually become proficient. So it is with motherhood. Each child, each stage brings new challenges and there's no magic trick. You just stay with it. You keep teaching children to work, teaching them how to treat one another, and keep expecting good things of them.

But you are wise to recognize one of the great keys to joy--an eternal perspective. And I'm not just talking about the life after this one, I mean the whole thing--5, 10, 50 years from now as well as in the world to come. It's the ability to see "afar off" as Peter puts it--to lift your eyes above the chaos of everyday life and see that you are creating something meaningful and lasting. When you make a chore chart and really stick with it, it's more than just a way to keep the house clean. It's teaching children skills, responsibility and order. When you patiently work with your children (again and again) to resolve conflicts with each other, you are teaching them to be good spouses and parents. Without this perspective, you might get the feeling that you're not getting anywhere. Your efforts are so slow and tedious and "undone" that they are almost invisible to the untrained eye. A long range view involves faith and hope. It is envisioning results that haven't happened yet--like imagining eating an ear of fresh corn while your down in the dirt planting.

But it isn't all about long-range perspective or focusing on some future joy. Peace and happiness are possible in the "planting" season. You just have to recognize it for what it is--a season of growth for all of you. Enjoy it. You're children will never be these ages again. You won't be able to cuddle up with them, gather them around you and read, clean the whole house together. I had 11 children. I now have years and years ahead of me to knit in my quiet house if I want to. You will too. But try to fully enjoy this journey. I absolutely love looking at the blogs of my readers. Blogging seems to focus a mother's mind on the here and now--the immediate fleeting moments of life. They are about searching for and capturing the profound in the ordinary.

So say a prayer for strength, unlock the door and step up to this challenge. This is hard but doable and you'll want to have done it well. At my stage, my children express gratitude almost every day for the childhood I gave them--and it was all pretty ordinary. But I kind of miss the days when it was a thankless job because it was truly selfless service---a kind I'll never be able to give again.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Turning to the Lord

Dear Readers,

My heart is tender tonight as I write to you. I just have one thing that I want to communicate to you and I want you to absolutely know it. There is no book you’ll read or blog or expert or philosophy of man that begins to approach the help available to you from the Lord. He is real and he loves your children.

It is possible to go about your life as a parent without ever turning to the Lord for help. You can rely on others—or on your own thoughts and ideas. But I want you to know that the Lord is fully engaged in the success of your family. He knows your children entirely—their strengths, their struggles and their mission in life. He loves them with a perfect love and can offer you clear insights that are tailored to each one. These insights come in many forms, but I have learned to recognize them and once I receive one, I move forward with a perfect knowledge that it will benefit my child.

For example, let’s say that I have a 3 year old that is physically aggressive. Maybe it’s a growing problem and I’ve tried a number of solutions to no avail. Lots of people offer suggestions and I begin to wonder if my child really has a serious problem. In a humbled state, I ask the Lord for help. Or as Nephi so often did, I “cry to the Lord” for help on their behalf.

For me, answers rarely come while I am on my knees. But as the day—or the next few days progress, I will receive help.

Most often, this help comes in the form of understanding—I will be able to see just how my child is viewing things—his perspective. Children rarely think the way we do as adults so this insight helps me get to the root of the problem.

With this broader perspective will come an idea or several ideas that will formulate into a plan. I’ll feel an excitement to carry out this plan—knowing that it came from the Lord.

I will almost always experience a softening of heart toward my child. His strengths will seem more apparent. I might even have feelings of awe toward him—and a new tenderness.

Along with these insights, I will find that I am expanded personally—my patience, my wisdom and my ability to meet the challenge. And this is good because some of these challenges are not going to be over soon or solved in a day. You might have a child with a disability or some other ongoing struggle. Only the Lord can offer you the long-term help and enabling power you will need.

Listen to this great promise: “…if it so be that the children of men (we, as mothers) keep the commandments of God (agree to have children and are trying to raise them in righteousness) he doth nourish them, and strengthen them and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them.” (1 Nephi 17:3) Knowing this, we don’t ever need to feel isolated. We can know without any doubt that we will be helped, inspired, and expanded in every situation.

Many women struggle with feelings that they don’t have time to grow spiritually with all the demands of motherhood. But this process of praying for help, expecting it and acting on it, will build a “living” faith that will become your anchor. When really hard times come—and I’ve had some, and so have you—you will not feel alone. Because you really aren’t.

Besides these specific petitions for help, I encourage you to begin each day with prayer. I know that sometimes your days start before you’re really ready for them. You wake up to a crying baby or a needy child. But as soon as you can-- and maybe it will just be for a minute or two, go into your room, close the door and say a prayer. I guarantee you’ll feel a wash of peace. I have long had a routine of saying my morning prayer when I make my bed. I hum a hymn or primary song while I’m making my bed (opening song) and then I pray.

I am just an ordinary person with extra weaknesses and pettiness and struggles. But I’ve learned over the years that mothers have power with the heavens. The Lord seems quick to honor a humble mother. I know and testify that “I can do all things through Christ, which strengthened me.” Philippians 4:13

With all my love,

Jane

Family Planning?

The Question:

I'll be celebrating my 29th birthday in a few weeks, and my new husband and I (married almost 6 months) are starting to plan for a family. We have both always wanted a large family, but I feel slightly discouraged that I may not be able to have that many kids, considering that my "fertile and safe" years may be slightly numbered as I exit my twenties. My question for you is, what is your opinion on family planning (more, rather than less) for someone who has around ten years to have kids? Am I even accurate in thinking that I have about ten years? I've just always heard that one's risk for birth defects and complications are much higher after forty. I've also heard that it is "unsafe" for a woman's body to space children less than 18 months apart. How would you approach the goal of bringing children to earth if you were in my situation and stage of life?

No matter what, I am simply eternally grateful to Heavenly Father that he guided my husband and me to be able to find each other. The twenties can be so lonely and discouraging when hoping for an eventual companion. Even if we have one child, however that happens, I will be that much more grateful to have the opportunity of being a mother.

-Anonymous

The Answer:

Your question is a good one--and it gives me the chance to answer a few other questions I've received regarding family planning. "How do I know it's time to have a baby?" "How did you plan your family?"

My husband and I made the decision when we were married to let the children come. Even way back then, it wasn't the norm and we took some criticism as we pursued this rather "wreckless" course. But this was the church guideline at the time:

"We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by."

This, I think, is the guideline now:

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many chldren to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

The first directive is a lot more "directive" and it's easy to see--in a world-wide church, why the counsel was modified over the years. Now the decision is entirely between a couple and the Lord. I truly respect every couple's right to make that choice. I don't try to impose my decision on anyone--even my own married children. The decision is enormous and is yours to make.

But I will share with you my thoughts and feelings and the reasons for my decisions.
For me, the core doctrine that inspired both of the above statements, is very clear. We have a purpose on the earth--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. My choice to bring a baby into my home insures that this little spirit will be nurtured, loved and taught--that they will each receive every ordinance they need. But more than that, they will begin a new generation that is solid and committed. Each child will stand at the head of their own generation and I have the privilege to prepare them for that.

In that first statement above, I really appreciate the last line--that those who limit their families "will reap disappointment by and by". Disappointment is the perfect word. Not punishment or condemnation--just disappointment at what we might have had, and chose not to. These are the thoughts that have motivated my choice to have all the children that I can.

In the process and through the years, I have been richly blessed for that decision. I have seen each child as a direct gift and blessing from God--not as an accident. I've approached the Lord with confidence for help with my children and I've been blessed with ideas, resources and even miracles. Raising a family "unto the Lord" has made me feel a very strong and deep connection to him and a sense of purpose and mission that gives meaning to my everyday life.

I didn't come at it super qualified. I was the youngest in a very spread out family--so I had little experience with babies or homemaking. But I was willing--and if you think about it, a "willing heart" has always been the Lord's only requirement. I just gave myself over to the process fully. Today, I can hardly read the scripture "He who loses his life shall find it" without feeling like it was written just for me. In layers and layers of ways, I have found joy and fulfillment as a person. I could fill a book with stories and examples of tiny and huge experiences with my children. And it's truly been a wonderful venture and partnership with my husband. Our children are our joy!

The church's current statement on the subject is your ultimate guideline and it's perfect. It allows for people to consider their abilities and situation. It allows for couples to make unified decisions and respects their agency. Dalin Oakes gave an excellent talk a few years ago on the subject. He said, "How many children should you have?....All you can." And that number, for many reasons, is different for everyone.

If I were turning 29 and had some years ahead, I would fill them up with children. But that's me. It will be exciting for you to discover what the Lord has in store for you.

With Love,

Jane

Family Home Evening Success?

Th Question:

I am in desperate need of advise on how to handle family home evening with small children. I don't think we have ever had a peaceful home evening, there is always arguments over who gets to pick the song or the prayer, or someone is sitting to close...I could go on and on! I continue to have them because I know I should, and I know one day they will be better, but I find myself dreading it and I often end it feeling frustrated and sad. I want my boys to grow up remembering the time we spent as a family but I feel like they will only remember fighting and frustration!! Any advise on how to make this a more happy experience for us all?!

Love,
Destenee

The Answer:

Dear Destenee,

I remember so well this frustration. I actually remember bringing home little chairs from the church and setting them up in a circle so everyone could learn to sit still and listen without touching each other! It didn't work. But those terrible little boys are in Law School now and that awful little girl is Natalie--the miracle worker with four boys of her own. I tell you that by way of reassurance.

But since you need more than reassurance at a time like this, here are a few thoughts....

Change your definition of success. My goal when my children were young became to have just one or two great moments. They would all stop talking when I held up a picture and I would tell them one powerful thing. That was enough. Anything else was a nice bonus. I considered it successful if there was ever a moment when we were all laughing at the same time. That was bonding. This usually meant that I had to loosen up and enjoy the unexpected distraction. If I laughed, everyone was happy.

Use a Family Home Evening Chart where the responsibilities rotate. I know that very young children may not grasp the concept right a way., but over time, they'll catch on.

Keep the lesson short, have a fun game and good refreshments. What family can resist that? I recommend gearing the lessons to the youngest child. The new nursery manual has wonderful short lessons that are interesting enough for older children--and perfect for them to present themselves.

We've had some pretty incredible family home evenings as our children have gotten older. Once, when Kristen was a teenager and was giving the lesson, she had us all go around and tell which commandment we loved the most and why? We ended up going around three times. I don't think there is anything more gratifying than listening as your children echo back the things you thought they weren't hearing all those years.

But for a long while, it's a leap of faith. My favorite line in your letter was... " I continue to have them because I know I should, and I know one day they will be better." That's called faith. And I can promise you that all of your efforts will accumulate and bear fruit in time.

With much love,

Jane

Teaching Honesty

The Question:

How do you teach children to be honest all of the time?

The Answer:

On the surface, this seems like a simple question. I think most of us realize that our children will tell the truth when we make it easy for them to do so. When we discipline harshly, they will quickly learn to avoid physical pain by lying. When we stand over them with the broken vase and conduct a torturous interrogation, the truth loses its appeal. But we want our children to have the strength of character to be honest even under harsh conditions. We want their honesty to go deep. That’s why our teachings must reach below the surface and be foundational.

First, we teach them about God. We pray to him, talk of him, express our love for him and make him a reality for our children every day. We teach them that pleasing God is the crown jewel. Nothing else in the world matters as much. We point out the many ways that God shows his love for us and the ways that we show our love for him. This teaching is at the very core of honesty. There is no vase or toy or money or game that matters as much to us as pleasing our Heavenly Father. The Lord said of Hyrum Smith, “I love him because of the integrity of his heart and because he loveth that which is right before me.” I’m not suggesting that whenever we detect dishonesty in our children, we lecture them about the reality of God. Our teachings are constant.

We value honesty. When we play games with them, we notice and compliment their honesty. We remind them each day as they leave for school to do what is right—not just to get good grades. When we see their small victories-- for example, when they tell the truth in a sticky situation-- we honor them. “You remind me of Daniel. You do what’s right even when it isn’t easy.”

When they lie or take something that isn’t theirs, we help them to repair the damage immediately and then discuss with them how good it feels to be honest. “Then people can trust us. Heavenly Father can trust us.”

The most sobering aspect of teaching honesty might be in examining our own lives. Our children will probably never be more honest in their dealings than we are. They will rationalize the things that we rationalize because we will show them how!

Perfect integrity is indeed a lifetime pursuit. But what a blessing it will be to our children if we can teach and model for them, patterns of honesty that will stay with them throughout their lives.

A Few Thoughts on Marriage

(Hello, it's me, Natalie. I'm never sure how to word introductions to posts because while the answers on this site are written by my mom (Jane), I am the one who formats and posts them. Often we discuss the answers before posting and then I make any changes we agree on. Sometimes it is necessary to write a brief introduction, and I am the one who does that. So, when I say "we", please understand that play no part in writing the answers.)

The Question:

We received a question regarding marriage recently and while we aren't including the question per request of the author, she had no problem with the answer being posted here. She is LDS (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), as are we, so some of the content refers to those things specific to our faith. We talked about editing it to make it more universal, but decided that the general messages are clear and that one wouldn't need to be LDS to apply the principles in her own way.

The Answer:

I've spent a lot of time thinking about you. In many ways, your question is beyond me. It's much easier to address questions about parenting. The parent/child relationship is actually very pure and simple. A marriage is complex with so many variables. I've decided to answer you, not as any kind of an expert, but as though you were my daughter.

There is nothing more important in your life, than your marriage. It lays the foundation for everything else that will follow. To me, the ideal marriage is described in Moses 7:18

"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."

I know this description doesn't usually apply to a marriage, but think about it. It contains all the conditions we really want--to be completely unified, to have all of our needs met and to gladly and joyfully meet our spouse's needs. I think that the key to achieving that goal is in that tiny phrase "and dwelt in righteousness". As we seek to keep the commandments together, magnify our church callings, pray and study the scriptures together, attend the temple, and give service together, we invite the spirit into our marriage. That spirit brings with it patience and a deepened love and regard. It overcomes a multitude of differences. I don't know where you both stand spiritually, but I can promise you this, that any efforts either one of you make together or individually will bring you closer as a couple.

On a more practical note, you can change the tone of your marriage immediately by changing the way you argue. No sarcasm. No accusing. No blaming. You might address this with your husband if the time seems right. Or you might just need to slowly turn the tide by eliminating this yourself. Simply express your needs. "Do you have time to help me for a few minutes?" If he refuses, try not to hold a grudge or blame. Serve and care for him. This gesture of love without manipulation will invite him to reciprocate. Maybe he is refusing to do the things you ask him to do because he doesn't want to feel like a child. Maybe he will find his own way to serve you. Maybe he'll completely miss the mark. But when you notice his small efforts and express your appreciation, he will like the feeling of making you happy. If he feels that he can't, he'll stop trying. Plan on being the more giving one for a while and don't keep score. Don't try to set him up to disappoint you by asking him to do the things that you have argued about before. It's tempting sometimes to gather negative evidence. You must start gathering positive evidence instead.

It is impossible to do what I'm asking you to do without the Lord's help. He wants your marriage to succeed. He will soften your heart, soften your husband's heart, bless you in unforeseen ways. He will recognize your efforts to "overcome the natural man" and help you to be a saint.

Finally, I am all for getting professional help if you feel that you need it. Sometimes just a few sessions with a counselor can give you the skills you need to work together and communicate in ways that build rather than tear down.

Don't give up. Marriage is an amazing adventure really--a huge challenge, but you married this man because you loved him. I have pondered your situation for many hours and prayed for help in answering. It dawned on me how much, even though I don't really know you, I want your success. Imagine how much the Lord, who knows you perfectly, loves you completely, and has paid a price for you, wants you to succeed. Pray continually for his help.

All my love,

Jane

Find Time for Spirituality?

The Question:

How do you maintain your spiritual life while in the trenches of motherhood?

It seems like I can just never find my groove to make personal worship consistent. You know how it goes, you finally find a quiet minute and you're asleep two verses in. I go back and forth between thinking I just need to cut myself some slack, and thinking I just need to try harder and stop making excuses for myself. You don't ever hear other women talking about this, I think, because we all feel guilty that we aren't doing more. I guess I'm just sick of pretending and hoping that showing some honesty and humility by asking the question will help me find what I feel like I'm missing.

-Brooke

The Answer: Growing Spiritually As A Mother

I've developed kind of a mental image about our spiritual education. To me, it's like a college class that contains both course work and lab work. We learn about things and then we're put in situations where we have a chance to apply them. Motherhood is the most intense lab work known to man. We are taxed in every possible way. We're tired, stretched and often pushed right to the edge physically and emotionally and in that state, we strive to respond lovingly to our family. And, more often than not, we actually succeed. We "suffer long and are kind". I was never very successful at having a regular study progam at your stage. I've always read from the scriptures almost every day--but sometimes just a few verses. I read an article here and there. My Sundays were more exhausting than uplifting. But my days were absolutely saturated in service to my family. And that "lab work" is more valuable than hours of study.

Don't feel guilty about falling asleep with your scriptures after a long day of "bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man". That's what motherhood is. It's God's true work. What you want is his help in doing it. Pray each morning for his help. Dedicate your service to him and seek the spirit so that you can teach your children. Don't mentally make your spiritual progress a separate thing from your life. It's happening. You are not only staying on the path, you're bringing these little ones with you.

You'll come to my stage and you'll have an hour or more a day to study and ponder. You'll be able to attend the temple regularly and read the whole conference Ensign. (That's course work.) But you'll see that your real growth took place in the trenches. The scriptures, prayer, the meetings are tools to strengthen you. Use them instead of "how to" books. I eventually tossed every parenting book and just studied the gospel instead and I found that even a few verses gave me the eternal perspective I needed. They invited the spirit.

I learned to pray often as I went through my days--for patience, for ideas, for all kinds of help. I would pray about one of my children and then I noticed that during the day, as I thought about the problem, an answer would come into my mind. I learned without a doubt, that the Savior is real and that I wasn't on my own. So I emerged from those really intense years with a spiritual strength I didn't have before.

Natalie was just here over Christmas and I was really in awe of her growth as a person. She can't see it at all, but the rest of us can. She was concerned like you are that she isn't getting much time for spiritual education. I just wanted to laugh. I really did. It's like watching someone arrive at a destination and then feel bad because they hardly had time to look at the map.

I hope this helps you. It's not eloquent but it's my honest experience. I know the Lord loves you for your humility and I also know, he will help you every day.

With Love, Jane