How do I improve my relationship with my 2-year-old?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading some various posts. I want to ask you and tell you a little bit about my 2 year old daughter and our relationship. She is beautiful. She isbdetermined, strong willed, defiant, dominant and oh so tiny. Any one that comes in contact with Lucy knows she's there. I love her; she is now my middle child. I have a 6 year old son and 4 1/2 month old son. My daughter Lucy is still not speaking and is easily frustrated with me. If she does not get what she wants immediately she screams at me unceasingly. Her and I seem to be continually battling with no winner. I don't yell, spank or say mean things to her, but I have noticed myself pull away from her needs and sometimes I feel it is simply easier to just ignore her adamant, demanding ways. Our relationship is very strained and it worries me. She is somehow different, happier easier to get along with around everyone close to her, her dad, grandma, aunt, etc.

I try to reason with her, set limits, but everything is a fight. We fight when I do her hair, change her diaper, dress her, try to make her meals. She demands so much attention it is taking away from her siblings. She loves her baby brother constantly wants to hold, and cuddle him, but her and her older brother are constantly fighting and she is always destroying anything he is playing with. He never wants to play with her or have her around. By evening I am so drained from the fighting and her constant screaming I want nothing to do with her, but of course she insists I put her to bed. I want our relationship to be better and for her to love me and I want to nurture her in the ways she needs. Even as a baby she wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't sleep in my bed even though I tried she wanted to be in a cradle by herself beside my bed. She didn't want heldand cuddled but instead would love to be left on her stomach on a blanket on the floor until she fell asleep. I nursed her until just weeks before her brother was born and have always tried to remain attached. She has such a strong spirit and I know she is sent from my Father in Heaven I just wish I knew what I needed to do to be the mother she needs me to be.

Thank You,

Lyndsay

The Answer:
Dear Lyndsay,

Thank you for your letter. You’ve done a good job of describing the frustration of a challenging child. In my experience of raising a large family, I acknowledge that some children seem “easier” than others. Our challenge as mothers is to resist the temptation to compare and to develop a strong bond and relationship with each one, independent of the rest. It’s human nature, I think, for our hearts to gravitate toward the pleasant well-behaved child and to emotionally distance ourselves from the more challenging one. We do this in a number of ways.

I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but I had an interesting conversation with a group of friends one day. One of them confessed that she had a “favorite” child. She told us who it was and listed the many reasons that this child had won her heart over the others (they had common interests, the child was grateful, made her proud in public, generous, happy, etc). The others in the group acknowledged that they too had favorite children. Then the conversation turned to the child they “didn’t really like”. Everyone laughed—knowing that “didn’t really like” was a strong phrase and that of course, they loved all of their children. But there was one, they all agreed, who was hard almost from the beginning and that it had never changed. They listed their grievances with “the difficult child” and they certainly seemed justified in their position.

You haven’t made such a claim about Lucy, but it’s easy to see that things might head in that direction. I would caution you and all mothers against establishing such labels—even in your own mind. It’s easy to build a case against a child, to go back and support your case with historical evidence, to continue gathering evidence daily. We do this because, in a way, it absolves us of personal responsibility. “This is just a hard child and has been from the start”. But such thought processes are unproductive and destructive. Very soon, a child senses that he is not like the others in our eyes and continues behaviors that divide and separate. When we recognize that a breech like this is beginning to form, we do everything in our power to repair it and bring a child into the secure circle of our approval and love.

I realize that this is just exactly what you are asking me how to do. The reason that I went into some detail about the mental attitudes of mothers, is that if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll recognize that this is where the breech starts and that this is where the repair must begin.

There are two infallible ways of changing a heart. The first is prayer. Pray all through the day that you can be filled with love and understanding for your child and that she can feel it. Pray for ideas and thoughts and then act on every positive impulse. You mentioned in your letter that she seems to do better with others than with you. That’s good news in a way because it shows that she can control her behavior (admirable for a two year old) and that you can focus on your relationship. That brings me to my second point. Do all the tried and true things that strengthen any relationship. Invest unhurried time. Play with her and let her lead the play. Make lots of eye contact and when you look at her, think, “I love you.”

As a grandmother of grandchildren that live far away, I usually have only a few days to win over my two-year-old grandchildren. They don’t really want me to cuddle and hold them until we’ve spent some quality time together. I have a big fuzzy bean bag that we toss back and forth for as long as they want. There’s lots of smiles and eye contact. Then we read books (more close contact). We play hide and seek. Soon we have a nice little bond going.

You are her primary relationship. Much of your time is spent, of necessity, coercing her to do things that she doesn’t really want to do. This strains your relationship so you have to counterbalance all that coercion with praise, approval, smiles, hugs and meaningful comfortable time together. My experience has been that when my children feel really loved by me and when our relationship is solid, they begin to want to please me. And when I see them doing any little thing—making even the tiniest effort to comply or obey, I stop everything and look into their eyes and compliment them and thank them and hug them. The tide begins to turn.

Finally, recognize that this is the child that is going to teach you all the attributes of godliness—patience, long-suffering, gentleness, charity. This is the child that is going to force you to seek help—to search ponder and pray. You’ve been wanting to put more of that into your life, right? Now you have a purpose! This is the child that is going to refine and change you. This is the child that is going to grow up and remember the many ways that you loved her.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts.

Love,
Jane

How to Train Your Dragon

Wouldn’t that be a great alternative name for this blog? “How to Train Your Dragon—The Loving Approach to Discipline.”

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, go get it. It’s a lesson in parenting!

Here were these difficult, impossible dragons—each with its own gifts and challenges. But the single perfect way to train each of them was not by coercion or manipulation or brutality. It was just all about learning to read them and appreciate them and give them the simple things they needed. It was all about mercy and gentleness. As soon as those dragons felt perfectly safe, they were tame. And they were bonded and devoted. They became assets instead of liabilities.

I loved that moment of truth—when Hiccup came to slay the dragon and then he looked in his eye and felt that connection. Instead of feelings of power and domination, he felt empathy. He recognized that the dragon felt just like he did. He dropped his sword and treated him as he would like to be treated. That was the turning point. Only then could he slowly, over many days, win his love.

And wasn’t it interesting how he started out relying on the tried and true dragon book for all his information. But he wasn’t successful until he threw it away and trusted his instincts.

And I loved how he stood alone—going against the culture of the day, caring more about the relationship he had formed than about what outsiders thought of him.

But gradually, as people began to see this new higher way, they became believers.

Now I realize it was fiction---but it contained a lot of truth.

So just keep it on hand and pull it out at the end of a long day and remember what kind of parent you really want to be—what kind of relationships you really want to have with your children.

Are you willing to eat a few raw fish if that’s what it takes to connect?

Have a great day with your own little dragons.

Love,

Jane

And another thing….that awesome dragon that he tamed was “The Night Fury”. Think about that when you’re walking the floor with a teething baby at two am.

How Do I Learn To Like Motherhood?

The Question:

 

As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room and shut the world out, be left alone with my thoughts and just be me. I hated it when my little sister would even touch me.  I need space.

 

Now that I'm a mother, I feel those same things yet don't get to lock myself in my room.  To top it off I have never been a very nurturing person yet not long after getting married, I wanted to have kids.  Now I have 3 kids (ages 8,6, &3) and feel like it's almost too much.  Some days I wake up asking myself what in the WORLD I was thinking having 3 kids?  Being a loving mom just doesn't come naturally to me. at. all.  I try and I try but it's almost against my nature.  It's hard for me not to compare myself to other moms who claim that they "just love being a mom" etc.  I feel like something is wrong with me because Some days I HATE being a mom.  When I leave on vacation without my kids, I don't really miss them.  It's hard to admit this as a member of the Church striving to magnify my calling as a mother.  I feel like this is not the norm.    I have read zillions of parenting books and am always working at improving but... I don't know how to LOVE (or even like) motherhood.  I wish I was the kind of mom that could handle 11 kids like yourself but I'm not and that makes me sad and frustrated.  So how do I learn to like motherhood?

 

The Answer:

 

Dear friend,

 

I am probably not the best one to answer this question.  I was born for motherhood.  I know that and I know that it's been a blessing for me.  The very thing I'm supposed to do--the very role that I am supposed to embrace, just happens to be my first love.  So a person like me gets all kinds of affirmation in the church.  My heart really does go out to people who struggle with this role and expectation and who just don't find the joy they keep hearing about.  I have a few thoughts and I'd like to invite readers to share their experiences in this area.

 

You already have children and they only have one mother, and one childhood.  You need to learn to really know and love your children.  You just can't give in to the self-doubts you're experiencing.  Nurturing is a skill that can be learned and love has a source.   Pray that your heart may be made tender toward each of your children.  You are the single most important person in their lives.  Your approval, your affirmation of them, your knowledge and acceptance of their uniqueness will stay with them throughout their lives.  If there is emptiness and coldness in your relationship with them, they will be injured.  You might feel like you really can't help that.  You don't feel it so what can you do?   You can invest yourself in a different way than you are now investing.  Maybe you are just very custodial.  Feeding them.  Cleaning the house.  Hauling them around.  Noticing all the ways they drive you crazy--arguing, undoing what you've done, talking back, etc.  But just step back.  Look at each child individually.  What is on their mind?  Who are they?  What is their world like?   Picture yourself building a visible bond.  Every time you smile at them, hug or touch or laugh at something together, you are strengthening the bond.  Be alone with each one and talk about things.  Just look right into their eyes and listen intently.  While you're listening, think that you love them, that they are precious.  They will see that thought in your eyes.  You might feel awkward about this.  Maybe you aren't a touchy feely kind of person.  But children really are and they interpret little gestures like a gentle hand on their back or a genuine smile to mean, "I love you."  I guess what I'm really getting at, is just force yourself to go through the motions of eye contact, touch and smiling with a light in your eyes until you begin to feel it.  Realize that you are feeding your child in a very real way.  This is nurturing.

 

Put yourself on a two week plan of going through the nurturing motions that I've described.  Take each child on an outing alone during the two weeks.  Do something fun like bowling or hiking or hunting for some special treasure with them at a thrift store.  When you get back home, don't go right into the house.  Just stay in the car.  Tell them that you've had such a good time with them and express your love.  Also during the two weeks, compliment each of them each day.  Focus on the good things they do.  Picture that you are building a bond.  Try not to raise your voice or look at them in way that communicates disdain.  If they misbehave, take them individually into another room and talk to them.  Hold their hand and talk to them. 

 

This is your family.  A family is different from any other project or accomplishment because it is an eternal, living thing.  It extends on for generations.  If you can make the sacrifice to learn to nurture, you'll not only be building emotionally healthy children, but you'll be teaching them how to nurture the generation that follows.  And I really can't describe to you the return on this investment of yourself.  Your children will not always be small.  They will grow to love you if you first love them.      My children still at home--ages 16, 14, 11 and 9 are genuinely soothing to me.  I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day--like good friends.  They aren't any better than your children!  I loved them every day.  Now they love me.

One final note...sometimes we fill our lives with hobbies or pursuits that produce more immediate rewards.  If we aren't careful, we start to resent our children and see them as obstructions to the things that bring us real pleasure.  The key is to discover pleasure in our children--to make them central, to genuinely value them during the relatively short time that they are in our home. 

 The day will come that you will be free to spend whole days any way you want-- you can travel, go to school, or go in your room and shut the door  But today, you are a mother.  I challenge you to come out and keep trying.  I know that the Lord will bless your efforts.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Creating Everyday Fun In Your Family

Dear Friends,

 

 I'd like to talk to you about a wonderful aspect of family life.....Fun!  There is nothing more bonding than laughing together.   It is truly leaven in the loaf and I'm sorry to pin one more thing on you, but you, the mother, control so much of the "fun level" in your home.  I confess that I'm a pretty productive person.  I'm happiest when I'm getting things done and if left unchecked, I would move the family from one serious endeavor to the next.  Maybe that's why the Lord sent me a houseful of fun people---and funny too. 

 

 Fun often means that you have to stop what you're doing and enjoy the moment.  Here's a story.  Long, long ago, I was making bread and someone--I'm not sure who---invented the dough game.  Each person in the immediate area is given a plastic cup with a little ball of dough inside.  Everyone stands in a circle---as wide as the room accomodates and on the count of three, they toss their ball to the right.  So of course, each person has to toss and catch within a second.  The goal of course, is to successfully catch all the dough balls.  Once we get a good rhythm going, we try for 20 catches in a row, or we add variations--like throwing all the dough up and then catching whatever we can and...ok, usually dough fights ensue.  To this day, I can never make bread or rolls without someone starting up the dough game. 

 

 Fun doesn't have to cost anything.  I'm always amazed at the money people spend on fun---and often, the activities aren't that fun.  I've found that when we set out on a free adventure, and I'm in a good mood, something surprising and memorable usually happens.  Like Riverfront Park.  It's a beautiful park here in Spokane with walkways and waterfalls.  There's a carousel and a tram and other ways to spend money.  But we rarely do those things.  We feed the ducks, we look at the falls, we bring a snack.   And always, always some good, unexpected thing is waiting for us.  One time, the boys caught 32 crayfish.  I know, I know.  Yuck!  But they loved it and they even cooked some and ate them when they got home.  Another time, a little colony of marmots popped up in some rocks on a hillside.  We were the only ones around and when the marmots discovered that we had crackers, they became very friendly. 

 

As the mother, you help your children to realize and appreciate the wonder and the joy of simple fun.  You can exclaim, "This is amazing!"  "Can you believe our good luck?"  "What could be more fun than this?" 

 

When a family experiences these unexpected, unplanned pleasures together, their love and appreciation for eachother flourishes.  When you, as the mother, pause and identify the moment, a memory is cemented.

 

I love humor and I've noticed that many families seem to have a sense of humor all their own.  Where does that come from?  I'm not sure.  But I love that aspect of family life.  We can encourage and develop our children's sense of humor by laughing with them and pointing out the funny moments in life.   One day, my grandson Jack called to say that they had woken up to find a chicken in their back yard.  He laughed and laughed as he told me about it.  In another household, the tone may have been different.  The parents might have been annoyed or nervous about this chicken, but Jack's parents saw the humor in the situation so Jack did to.  What a gift we give our children when we encourage them to see humor in everyday life.  My daughter Kristen had a habit of humming a little soundtrack to things she saw as we drove along.  For example, if a dog was trotting down the road, she would hum a perfect accompaniment to his gait.  I loved that!  And I still hear those little tunes in my head. 

 

Set a goal to laugh with your children at least two or three times a day.  Help them see humor.  When things start gettig heavy and intense, stop everything and shock them with a game of your own invention.  You know that old proverb "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones."  I know that "dry bones" burned out feeling.   I sometimes have it in the car when we're heading off on an outing.  I've cleaned the house, made the food, dressed the kids, loaded everything up and I'm completely shot.  So I've sat there in the passenger seat and prayed for a merry heart because I've learned that I'm the determining factor. My husband is always a great sport and kids just want to have fun.  As usual, the Lord comes through and softens me up and all is right with the world.    And that's good medicine for all of us.

 

Have a fun week.

 

Love you,

Jane

Daughter Becoming Less Attached?

The Question:

Hi Jane

I'm glad I came across your blog and I read it all up immediately. It was reassuring to know that what I feel is completely normal and I also got loads of information and much needed advice.

A little about me - I live in India and I have a 3 year old daughter whom I love to death. I am a full time working mom (work from 7AM to 7PM), feel terribly guilty everyday when I leave home to work.My Husband and I live with my parents, so my parents look after my girl while I am out. I am so lucky, they take care of her better than I do and I dont have to worry a bit about her :)

I resumed work after she turned 1 and we both went through difficult times adjusting and getting used to being without each other.Slowly it became a routine and she was fine when I was at work. The time that I spent at home (Evenings and weekends), she would cling onto me, want me to do everything for her, play with her, she would cry if i went out without her...I just loved it. Everything was so perfect. I mean, a working mother's biggest fear is that her child will not need her anymore. But that was not the case with me and my other friends who worked quite envied me.

Of late ( last 3 weeks to be precise), my daughter does not need me as much as used to. She is ok with anyone handling her (feeding, taking her to the bathroom, changing clothes etc). there are times she runs to my mother for things that earlier she wanted only me to do. No matter what she always wanted me to sleep with at night. But now she snuggles up to her dad while I lay down alone wishing for her. I HATE the fact that she does not need me anymore. Its not that she wants to be independent or something, its just that earlier whatever she wanted only me to do, she is now Ok with anyone doing it. She is a sweet little girl, she is lucky to have both sets of grandparents around who absolutely adore her. This time when we went for the weekly visit to my in-Laws place, she wanted my MIL to do everything for her. I am sad and feel like any other member in the house. I used to feel so special when she wanted me always and now it does not matter whether I am around. She is just happy with who ever is there. I feel so terrible, but i cannot think of quitting my job as I cannot afford it right now.

There have been such phases earlier but did not last for more than 2 days.I am so low and sad. I want my daughter to need and want me..

The Answer:

Dear friend,

I really feel your sadness and I’m so sorry for your situation.  I’m guessing that your daughter is pulling away for two reasons.  First, she is getting a bit older and more independent in general, and second, she is accepting the truth of her life.  You are a person that she sees for only a few hours each day.   I believe that children always have a special bond with their mother and a longing to be near them.  I think she misses you a great deal.  But she has learned to accept her life and she is very blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love her.  When you think about it, you wouldn’t want your daughter to be so devoted to you that her everyday life was continually sad and miserable.

 Is there any hope of changing your situation?  These years with you are precious and passing quickly.  If not, you’ll have to accept the fact that your daughter needs to divide her affection.  If she senses that her love for others hurts you, it will be unfair and confusing.  She’s just a wonderful little girl—functioning in the life she’s been given.

I really feel your love for your daughter and that you don’t like your situation.  I hope it can change and you can be with her more of the time.

With Love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Babies

Dear Readers,

We’ve talked a lot about love on this blog—about the importance of not just loving our children, but of making sure that they feel our love continually. Naturally that connection begins long before our children can understand the words, “I love you.” I believe that we begin making that connection before our children are born. New breakthroughs in science are proving that when an expectant mother loves and wants her baby, she emits high levels of serotonin which actually contribute to her baby’s brain formation. That means that when you feel excitement and pleasure just dreaming about your baby—your baby receives physiological benefits as he develops within you. What an astonishing thought! And of course when you take good care of yourself during pregnancy--eating nutritious foods, exercising and avoiding harmful substances, your baby is the recipient. I used to love taking a walk in the sunshine, breathing in the fresh air and feeling that sense of well-being that went deeper than just me.

When babies are loved and wanted before they ever come, they arrive with a great start. But I’ve come to believe that the first year of life is perhaps the most important one of all. I remember holding my own first baby for the first time—all the mixture of feelings—amazement, awe, recognition and a bit of inadequacy. Never had anyone needed me so much. He was all made out of…me. His skin, his fluffy hair, his little bright eyes. Here he was breathing, squinting around, trying to find food and I was what he wanted. When he was a few days old, I was marveling to my sister about how connected and intertwined we were—him needing to eat, me needing to feed him, how much he loved to be with me, how much I craved his feel and smell. She made a comment that set a course for my life as a mother. She said, “I read once that babies don’t realize that they are separate people from their mothers. As far as they’re concerned, you and he are the same person.” Yes. That’s exactly what it felt like.

For each of my babies, the first year of life is a time of very close, tight nurturing. They sleep near me (or with me), they bathe with me, they eat when they are hungry, I hold them when they want, they go where I go. I am definitely an attached parent. For each of our 11 children, I have basically given myself over to them for the first year. And through the years, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on about bonding. It’s just a fascinating subject for me. Imagine how excited I was when I stumbled upon a book one day at the library called, “The Biology of Love”. It’s written by a Dr. Arthur Janov who has developed therapies over the years to help people who got off to a bad start in life. He demonstrates in the book that during the first year of life, the brain is still very much in formative stages and that the parents complete the important connections that will last through their child’s life-time.

The book is intense but here is my best summation of it. I know it’s an over-simplification, but just tell me that it doesn’t make perfect sense to you. The brain is very complex but is divided into two hemispheres. One controls emotions and feelings while the other controls logical reasoning and thinking. When a baby is born, the logical side is dormant. It won’t kick in for about two years. But the feeling side is entirely active. A baby may not understand anything we say, but they are fully attuned to our voice, our expression, our smell, our touch. They cry and we respond—and as we do, we are building connections. The mechanisms in their brain that produce serotonin and dopamine are set. When babies are routinely neglected, there are whole sections of brain connections that are “pruned out” and unrecoverable. These babies grow up with hungers and needs that they can’t explain so they often turn to drugs or alcohol for relief. I realize that none of you neglect your babies to that extent. But I really believe that it’s impossible to give a child too much love or to respond too much in the first year. Dr. Janov points out that the process of nurturing a baby is labor-intensive but that we will put in the time now or later—now in building what he calls “a loved brain” that functions well and responds appropriately to life—or later, trying to understand and remedy problems from early neglect.

My sister’s casual comment was true. Our babies really are incomplete with only half of a brain—the feeling half. We provide the logical side until theirs is functional. It’s up to us to meet the needs that they can’t articulate or meet themselves. And it’s helpful to realize that they are not logical enough to have an agenda—to manipulate us. They only know that they need something, and often that “something” is just to be with us.

When a baby emerges from their first year with “a loved brain”—the feeling side of their brain fully connected and formed, the logical side of the brain begins to develop. Connections form between the two sides of the brain to create an emotionally healthy person. A person with a loved brain is more likely to be able to form strong, meaningful relationships throughout his life, to cope with and solve difficult problems he will encounter in life and to have a deeper ability to perceive right and wrong—because he understands and “feels” the impact of his actions on others.

I believe this. There is evidence of it all around us. And while it may seem like a burdensome bit of information, it is, for me, truly freeing and motivating. I am free to love my babies without reservation. And I am doing everything I can to insure a happy life for them. I know they’ll have hardships and difficulties as we all do. I can’t spare them those things. But I can give them their best chance to handle those things well.

I was talking to a young mother in our ward a few years ago. She was frustrated because she hadn’t done a thing for three days except hold her 2-month old baby—who was unusually fussy. The house was falling down around her and she couldn’t get anything done. I shared some excerpts with her from “The Biology of Love” and reassured her that though it didn’t seem like it, she was doing something permanently good as she rocked and soothed her baby. Later she told me how helpful that information was—that it had really changed her perspective. That’s what I hope this is for you—just a deeper understanding of the role you’re playing.

Over my lifetime as a mother, I’ve seen a quiet, concerted movement aimed at separating babies from mothers. In our society, women are cautioned to look after their own interests first. Modern methods encourage mothers to teach their babies to soothe themselves—that the ultimate success is to make your baby as independent as early as possible. Why is that success? A neat compartmentalized life doesn’t work with babies. Their needs vary from day to day and their deepest needs are often met at inconvenient times.

I know that you’re picturing a mother run ragged trying to meet the demands of her new baby as well as the rest of the family. But it really hasn’t been like that for me. I’ve found great personal pleasure in that first year and a deep sense of accomplishment. My husband is wonderful with babies—and I think it’s partly because I’ve shown him how to enjoy them. My other children have learned (without any formal lessons) that babies are precious and wonderful. Babies uniquely bind a family together. One of my favorite memories was bringing our seventh baby home from the hospital and laying him on my bed. The children all came in and gathered around. One of them said, “It’s like he’s a little fire and we’re all getting warm.”

Sometimes I want to say to young mothers: “Throw all the books away and follow your instincts.” Tie that baby on and take him with you. Don’t dole out love in measured doses. Just make it as natural as air. Kiss, snuggle, smell, whisper to, caress that baby all that you want to. Picture their little brain lighting up and thriving.

I’m including two pictures with this post. These are two of the few pieces of art that I own. The first you might recognize as “The Responsible Woman” by James Christensen. I love that with all of her other responsibilities, her baby is cradled in and content.

The second is a statue that my son Nick brought home to me from his mission to Bolivia. I guess he knew what I would love! I love how simple and primitive this relationship looks—no car seats or strollers or swings or fancy nursery—just this essential mother/baby relationship that transcends worldly trends and trappings.

Of course, this “immersion in love” that takes place in the first year, naturally segues into the loving approach we’ve discussed as our children grow older.

If you are still reading, you deserve a medal! This post has been a small book. But I hope there is something in it that will encourage you forward in this great work. Ezra Taft Benson, in summing up the ten ways a mother could be effective in her child’s life, ended with this jewel.

“Tenth and finally, mothers, take the time to truly love your children. A mother's unqualified love approaches Christlike love."

Here is a beautiful tribute by a son to his mother:

"I don't remember much about her views of voting nor her social prestige; and what her ideas on child training, diet, and eugenics were, I cannot recall. The main thing that sifts back to me now through the thick undergrowth of years is that she loved me. She liked to lie on the grass with me and tell stories, or to run and hide with us children. She was always hugging me. . . . And I liked it. She had a sunny face. To me it was like God, and all the beatitudes saints tell of Him. And sing! Of all the sensations pleasurable to my life nothing can compare with the rapture of crawling up into her lap and going to sleep while she swung to and fro in her rocking chair and sang. Thinking of this, I wonder if the woman of today, with all her tremendous notions and plans, realizes what an almighty factor she is in shaping of her child for weal or woe? I wonder if she realizes how much sheer love and attention count for in a child's life."

Sheer love. I like that. And let me just add, at the risk of sounding patronizing—that I love you as well. Through the miracle of blogging, I’ve visited many of your homes and seen your babies. Each of you melt my heart. Good, good things are happening out there! Thank you for your dedication to this process.

All my love,

Jane

A Disrespectful 11-year-old?

The Question:

Dear Jane-

I have an 11 1/2 year old daughter who has a nasty temper. She gets upset when we ask her to do simple things like brushing her teeth all the way up to completing her chores. When she doesn't get her way, she tends to take it out on her 3 younger siblings by hurting them, yelling at them, or anything else she can think of. She also takes it out on her father and I. Sadly, the terms "I hate you" and "You are the meanest parent ever" are common place in my home. She has no respect for my husband or I.

I have tried dealing with the situation every way that I can...nothing I do seems to work. Thinking that she needed special one on one attention, I've taken her out for one on one mother daughter time, I've treated her to special things. My husband has done these same things but they haven't worked. On the flip side, we have grounded her, put her in time out, made her skip out on doing things she really wanted to. Once again, these things have not worked. She tells us she is sorry but 5 minutes later, she is back to her old ways.

The worst part is that I am starting to see her siblings exhibit some of her behavior problems as well. I feel like a horrible parent because I didn't start teaching them a lot of the things I should have when they were young. Now that they are getting older, I see what that lack of teaching has done and it really bothers me. How can I teach my child(ren) to not only respect her parents but to do as she is asked without throwing a fit every time?

Thank You-

Patti

The Answer:

Dear Patti,

 

I have thought long and hard about your situation.  In some ways, I am at a loss.  As you know, I'm not a professional and my expertise in this area (and many others) is limited to my own experience.  One thing I've always known about myself is that I am much better at preventing problems than solving them.   So, truthfully, I haven't experienced what you're going through. 

 

But I can tell you what I would do if I did. 

 

My world would grind to a halt until I reconstructed my relationship with my daughter.  I would make her my focus.  It is going to take much more than regular nights out and treats.   You are going to need to start at the foundation and ask yourself the hard questions.   Why is she so angry?  What is she really feeling inside?   What are your true feelings toward her?  I suspect that you don't like her very much right now.  Who would?  She's destroying the harmony in your home.  But if, fundamentally, she doesn't feel your love, she will contiue to make your life a nightmare. 

Deep feelings of being loved and accepted are the feelings that heal.  You will need to go deep.

 

Perhaps it may involve counseling.  A third party might be able to help you see the dynamics that have brought you to this point.  Prayer and fasting are powerful tools--if you're asking the right questions.  Not "please help her to change", but "help me to deeply love this girl and help her to feel it."   Approach the whole situation with the humble attitude that you expressed in your letter--the realization that there are things you might have done better and the desire to repair the breech in this precious relationship.  

 

You can make all kinds of rules about the things she can and can't say to you, about her treatment of siblings, about obedience.  But these rules will never hold up as she grows older.  You want her to treat you with respect because she respects you.  You want her to obey you because she wants to.  This, I truly believe, only happens when a child feels genuinely loved and cared for--and that her feelings are important to you.  Buying her things and taking her places are just soap bubbles.  They're gone in a few minutes.   Laying next to her on her bed, looking at her, playing with her hair, being in no hurry, listening without lecturing til true feelings start to come out--investing in this bond for as long as it takes.   She won't respond over night, but as she sees that you love her and you mean it, she'll begin to give back.

 

She is still young.  But if you keep doing what you're doing, she'll keep doing what she's doing and things will unravel.  Now is the time to turn the tide. 

 

I really did appreciate your letter.  You are probably doing many good things in your home.  I only got a slice of the negative.   Take the holy spirit as your guide and work with your husband as you face this challenge.  The rewards are inestimable.

 

With love,

Jane

One On One Time?

The Question:
(Amazingly, I, Natalie, did not pose this question. But being in a strikingly similar situation myself, I'm so glad it was asked.)

Hi Jane-
Any advice on finding quality time with each of your children individually, away from the other kids? My active, attention-demanding boys are 4, 3, 2, and 8 months, all with needs and often at the same time. I barely find time to escape for a shower let alone a girls night out, and there is always at least one kiddo fighting for my lap if I am reading to another one. I'm not always able to bring in outside help and my husband does have a job, so I need to figure out tricks to make that individual time happen. Thoughts? -Anonymous

The Answer:

You are really a wonderful person. With four sons under five, you are surely stretched as far as you can stretch---but you're trying to figure out how to give more. Please don't worry. It probably isn't realistic or even necessary to be all alone regularly with each child or to take them on individual outings at this age. Your children feel your personal love in little snatches all through the day. It's true, they have to share you, but they each have their own relationship with you. You have a light in your eyes for each one. They are part of a secure little society.

Find consistant moments of connection. I always tried to hold my children when they first woke up in the morning-- or from their naps-- for as long as they wanted. Usually it was only a few minutes and then they were off and playing. There are occasionally those miraculous moments when only one is up. Read a story together or play with toys. I'll bet you're already doing that.

Even though you can't lavish each one with unlimited, individual attention-- you've given them something better--eachother! This may not always seem like a benefit to them now, but as the years go by, there is nothing to compare with brothers. And as the years go by, you'll actually have more time and flexibility, even if you have more children. I loved Christina's comment on "Feeling Overwhelmed". Read it if you haven't had the chance.

I've enjoyed a great deal of one-on-one time with my children as they've grown older--but I've rarely had special nights out with them. I just take one along with me when I go to the store. I turn off the radio and we talk. I buy them a candy bar or an ice cream cone. We play a game of Yahtzee or I read them a chapter a night from an exciting book. We go for a walk. It's all very natural and inexpensive and I love it as much as they do. Just last Saturday, I went with my 15 year old son Seth to his High School basketball game. He invited me. These good moments are in your future.

So just know that you are doing enough. Your children have you with them every minute of every day (and all night too.) Everything is unfolding as it should.

All my love,
Jane

Fatherhood and Bonding?

The Question:

My question is about dads. I have noticed that my husband distances himself from our 2 year old daughter (only child). It absolutely breaks my heart to see her be ignored. He isn't mean or anything, he just doesn't pay much attention to her. How do I help him connect with her? He is not a naturally affectionate/emotional person. I have learned to recognize the other ways he shows his love for us, but I just think that toddlers and children need lots of hugs, affection and encouragement. She gets it from me, but I think she needs it from both parents. I have explained this to him as best I can, but not much changes. He says that I am just trying to force him to do things my way, and that she "doesn't like [him], so what's the use?" I think we are both at the point where we don't know how to fix things. -Anonymous


The Answer(s):

What a great question. I have thought about it all day long! I'll bet there are many who share your frustration. My own father was a very quiet and gentle man but definitely not affectionate. He didn’t know how to relate to little children very well. I feel like we discovered each other when I was a teen-ager. He was kind and accepting and easy to talk to. My mother, always the more affectionate one, was a bit high-strung when I was older. All of that emotion I enjoyed in her when I was a child, was a bit annoying when I was 16. My dad was a great stabilizer.

I think that your husband may feel inadequate and awkward as a father of young children.. You can help by down-playing his awkwardness and appreciating his small efforts. Don’t make an issue of it. This will only make him feel worse about his abilities. Just be patient and know that he will be a father for a long time. He will develop his own relationship with your children, that is unique from yours. They don’t need another mother. (They already have a superb one of those, right?)

Try to do all you can indirectly to help his affection for his daughter grow. Enjoy her together. Laugh with him about the cute things she says or does. Orchestrate encounters that are pleasant—when she’s rested, doing things she enjoys. If he senses your disapproval, he may give up. If he senses that you see him as a good father, his confidence will grow. Resist the temptation to compare him with more nurturing fathers. That isn’t his style.

I really think that the feminist movement brought with it, unreasonably high expectations of men. Their role is primarily to preside, provide and protect. They are pretty good at that. We want to add our role of teach and nurture—things that are natural for us. And we often hand them our tired, worn-out children at the end of a long day and ask them to deal with them. No wonder they struggle.

I shared your question with my husband and I was really quite fascinated with his answer. Anyone who knows him now would say he’s a “family man” if there ever was one. But his answer shows me the journey that it’s actually been for him. I’m going to include it here so that it might give you a glimpse into a man’s mind.

From Bruce:

My wife, Jane, asked that I take a stab at answering your question, so here goes:

I remember a talk given once by the president of the LDS Church then, President Spencer W. Kimball, about sharing the gospel. In it he mentioned that some of us may not be inclined to engage others in conversation or see ourselves as outgoing. I was surprised when he said, in essence, we need to become more outgoing so we can fulfill our responsibilities to share the gospel. I thought of the many people I knew who were in that category of being more quiet, keeping to themselves, or unskilled in conversation. It would take a lot of concerted effort for them and definitely would take them out of their comfort zone to be the kind of people who could be more effective as missionaries. Yet the expectation was clear. They would need to stretch themselves, give up comfortable habits, and develop some new skills. Some things come with the territory.

I think it is the same with parenting. While we all have our strengths, weaknesses and personalities, based in large part by how we were raised, there are still some minimum requirements expected to be effective as parents. For some those skills and attributes come naturally; for others it will take some effort, practice and patience. I agree that 2 year old daughters need affection, one of those things that comes with the territory, but also recognize that even at that early age they often have developed preferences for one parent over the other, making it tough to connect and engage if you aren't the preferred one. And if you aren't naturally prone to showing affection it makes the challenge that much greater.

My experience has been that a child's preferences for one parent balance out over time and at different stages can shift quite a bit. So don't sweat it if you aren't currently the chosen one, or they don't seem to like you, and don't read it as a sign that you will never be close to them. Do what you can to connect, be grateful for those things you find that work and have patience.

As a new parent to young children I gained a lot of help from Jane's views about our children. She would teach me about how our kids see the world--how they view things and what they are likely feeling at any given point in time. I began to watch how she was with them and to look at our children differently. I would try various things to better connect with them and overtly make an effort to find what they enjoyed doing with me. Over time I found things that were unique to that child that they really liked and used those times to build bonds of love and strengthen our relationship. Routines developed so that when it was our reading time, for example, I would let them choose a book and we would read it together. It became one of those things they would look forward to, as did I.

In between those activities I would frequently pick up our little kids and lift them in the air so they were weightless, then catch them, having done it from near infancy so it was something they really enjoyed. Or I would spin around and around while holding them in my arms then sit on a couch or chair and hold their eyes closed for a few seconds after and ask them if they thought they were still spinning. Then I would let them open their eyes so they could adjust and see that even though they thought they were still going around they were actually not. Sometimes this would lead to tickling (which not every child likes) or jumping on the couch or bed or some other thing they liked to do. Piggy-back rides around the house or outside usually work well. Another, seemingly dumb thing, I do that kids that age like is to lightly pound on their backs while they are saying, "Ahhhh" like singing and holding on a single note, so it comes out in a vibrating sound.

So far as showing affection when it doesn't seem to come naturally, I would suggest practicing it. As I said, I learned a lot from Jane by watching how and when she would show affection--hugs when she came in the home after being gone awhile, squeezes occasionally during some one-on-one time, glowing compliments on the pictures they drew, telling them that she loved them when they were having a particularly enjoyable time together, and bedtime routines that included telling them she loved them. The more I tried to find appropriate moments to show affection the better I became at it. I think it helped me that Jane would share her genuine love for the kids to me which made me examine my own feelings for them. Did I really love them that much? Was I as charmed with their antics as she was? Could I be better at developing a deeper interest and admiration for them? I wasn't raised with a lot of overt affection. Compliments were few and far between. So while I enjoyed children, I didn't always show that, and sometimes, when I was honest with myself, I realized that I was fairly indifferent about them. They were part of my life, and I appreciated them, but nothing to get excited about, they were just kids. Seeing them through Jane's eyes opened up some wonderful perspectives and helped me see them for who they are: beautiful, creative, tender spirits who blessed my life and our home. As those perspectives grew it became easier to respond to them in loving ways.

Hope there was something in my thoughts that is helpful. Parenting is a never-ending challenge, but worth whatever it takes to succeed.

Bruce