Understanding Boys?

The Question:
Thanks for your uplifting blog and great insights.  I figured it’s about time I asked a question, so here goes:
 
I have two boys, ages 9 and 7.  I love them to pieces but lately, I am becoming so frustrated with some of their obnoxiousness:  the potty talk, laughing at stupid noises, sloppy behavior in dress and chores, showing off for friends, and just in general acting stupid!  One of my boys resists work by asking stupid questions, “What’s a room?”  “What’s clean?”  “What’s a broom?” in an annoying voice.  Another has shown amazing proficiency at chores in the past, but now resists work at all costs. 
 
Ironically, I used to teach a bunch of Primary boys that age when my own kids were younger and I’d get so annoyed by the same types of behaviors.  Of course, I vowed my OWN BOYS would never behave that way, yet here we are.  =) 
 
Please give me a little perspective on how boys this age think.  Is most of this stuff just temporary and best ignored, like a toddler’s tantrums?  Or should I intervene more and work harder at teaching appropriate behavior?
 
Thanks!
 
Christina.

The Answer:

Dear Christina,
 
I loved this question.  I just laughed right out loud.  You really captured that age and stage perfectly.  I actually have thought a great deal about this issue over the years.  I think it's more important than it might appear.
 
Your boys are at a stage where they are discovering their own humor.  I think a mother can go a long way to help them in this endeavor--and encourage some patterns that will last for years to come.  I usually have a talk with my children at around this age that goes something like this.
 
"I've noticed that you are getting a good sense of humor.  That's a great thing because everyone likes funny people.  But we have a few rules about humor in our family.
 
1)  It can never be crude.  Crudeness isn't really funny.  It's just crude.  It isn't clever and it detracts from the spirit in our home.  Here are some things that I think are crude:  Vulgar noises, bathroom humor, talk about boldily functions, anything sexually degrading, certain terminology.  (I don't like the words "butt" or "sucks" or "crap" or a few others.  You'll have to decide what's acceptable to you.) 
 
David Bednar said,  "Because the Spirit cannot abide that which is vulgar, crude, or immodest, then clearly such things are not for us."

I recognize that this stance is almost outrageous in today's world where almost every children's movie is steeped in crude humor.  But our children can be taught to find this humor offensive.
 
2)  It can never be at the expense of someone else.  Cutting remarks may seem funny, but when they injure another person, they show a lack of character.  We simply don't hurt people with our humor. 
 
3)  Humor cannot be smart-alecky.  (Your sons remarks about "What's a room?" fall into that category.)  
 
After laying down those rules about humor, I am pretty tenacious about upholding them.  "Remember, we don't use humor that way."  I try to teach them by laughing at their appropriate humor (even though it's only marginally funny at this age) and sharing fun stories that I know they'll enjoy.  By taking the time to work with them and develop their humor and personality in a positive direction, you are preparing them to be respected and appreciated throughout their lives.  Because, let's face it, many people seem to stay "stuck" in that grade-school humor forever.
 
All of that being said, I admit that I don't fully enjoy children between the ages of 9 and 13.  They are a little bit annoying to me--the way they want to tell you a whole movie in detail, their drama, their chitchat.  Don't get me wrong, I never stop loving my children or attempting to keep the relationship strong.  But I'm always so relieved when they arrive at 14 or 15.  They become truly clever and intelligent.  I completely enjoy them at this age and beyond.
 
You're a great mother with a lot of insight.  Good luck with this new little challenge.
 
With Love,
 
Jane

Getting My Husband On Board?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

First off- thank you so much for the time you spend on answering so many questions.
I really admired your letter to your readers. I really want to focus more on my relationship with my children as opposed to just disciplining like you wrote about. My question for you is how do I get my husband on board without sounding like I am nagging and wanting him to do things "my way"? I have been wanting to talk to him about changing our disciplinary ways with our children for a few days now, but I can't seem to find the right time or words to express to him how important this is to me. How did you and your husband work together?
 
Thanks,
Jamee


The Answer:
Dear Jamee,
 
It was kind of a funny thing with us.  When our oldest children were young, my bible was "Children the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs.    It is based on natural consequences.  It made sense and I had to train my husband in all of its ways.  We would sit around and brainstorm about appropriate consequences for various offenses.  We got pretty adept at natural consequences, but as I've mentioned before, I felt uneasy about the "outward vs. inward" motivations involved.  As I became converted to the loving approach and became more and more excited about it, I had the job of convincing my husband that we needed to scrap the old method.   He was really skeptical-- because in theory, it sounds permissive, inconsistent and ineffective.  But I started using it and pointing out the successes and little by little, he became a believer. 
 
I'd have to say though, that even after all these years, we're really different in our styles.  Neither of us are harsh but we don't handle things in exactly the same way.  I think that's ok.  Children really seem to adapt to and even benefit from those differences.
 
I suggest that you just ease into new ways of doing things and discuss them as you go along.  Explain the theories behind a loving approach and then try it out.  My good friend has recently had to go back to school, and her husband primarily cares for the children.   She told me that one day her husband was trying to resolve a conflict between two children.  Instead of punishing the perpetrator (which he would have done before), he focused on the injured child, assuring him that no harm was meant.  The guilty child looked on for a few moments, then ran forward and apologized--on his own.  The father was surprised and excited to see this apology without any outside prompting.  He began to catch the vision of the whole approach.
 
It's not a change that can be made overnight.  But as you both see positive results and talk about them, you'll likely move in this direction together.
 
All my love,
 
Jane

Whining Children?

The Question:

I just recently found your website and I love it!  I have already learned a lot.  I was wondering what you do about whining?  I have three children 6, 4 and 2 and our 4 year old is the worst whiner of the bunch.  Whenever they get told no about not getting to do a certain activity right at that moment or no they can't have a snack because it is almost dinner and every other time they get told "no" they start to whine, whine, whine and ask why.  There seems to be nonstop whining in our house.  How do we get them to stop and learn to accept that no means no and to move on with their day without whining about it?  

Ashley

The Answer:
Dear Ashley,
 
I sympathize completely with you.  I just can't tolerate whining (or screaming).  I would start today to eliminate it.
 
I would begin to attack this problem by focusing first on myself.  I would be absolutely certain to never give in when they whine.   If your children are whining continually, there is a good chance that you are occasionally rewarding it.  They've learned that it's worth a try.
 
I'm sure that you've addressed the problem directly with your children.  It's always helpful to discuss these issues at a time other than when they are occurring.  Play a little game.  Have a cupful of Skittles and tell them that you are going to have a lesson about manners.  Have them ask for an Skittle politely and then give them one.  Next, have them ask and you say, "No, I'm sorry.  Not right now."  Teach them to say.  "OK, Mom".  When they get it right, praise their wonderful manners.  Do it again and again and then try some different scenerios.  Each time that you say 'no', have them say, "OK, Mom".  This teaches them your expectation and gives you a reference point when you experience an actual situation.  "Remember...what do you say when I say no?"  Of course they won't catch on overnight, but keep working at it.  I might even keep a jar of M&Ms handy and for a week or two and give them one whenever they say, "OK, Mom".
 
 Sometimes it takes very focused, concerted effort to change a bad habit.  But children usually respond well to positive teaching.  We occasionally go through a phase where it seems that everyone complains when I ask them to do something.  Then I know it's time to bring out the  "Sure" jar.  (It's especially impressive because the label came off of my deodorant so it looks very professional.)  I put in an M&M whenever I make a request and a child says, "Sure!" with enthusiasm.  When I feel that we've turned things around, they get to divide up the M&M's.  Maybe you could have an "OK, Mom" jar.
 
This advice applies to so many situations.  Just teach with a positive spin.  I predict your home will be "whining free" in a couple of weeks.  Or at least you'll see some serious progress.  Don't forget to pray for help.
 
All my love,
 
Jane

Very Attached Little Girl?

The Question:

Hi Jane,
 
I'm just loving this blog! I've really appreciated your posts explaining your more loving approach to discipline. I have tried to keep these principles in mind lately when parenting my two kids (aged four and two). However, there are some situations with my four-year-old daughter that I'm not sure how to handle.
 
My daughter--while very independent and well behaved when attending preschool, primary, or dance class--always acts very clingy to me at home. I cannot leave the home at all without her crying for me and begging for me not to go. These are all situations where I would be leaving her home in the care of my husband. My husband is really a great, gentle, patient, fun father. Once I can finally tear my daughter from off my leg and leave the house, she is totally content and happy the duration of my absence.
 
Bedtime is the only other instance where she exhibits this same behavior. We have quite an involved, well-entrenched bedtime routine: bath, pajamas, four books, teeth, prayer, song, story in bed, one-on-one talking, and finally a stretched-out painful goodnight! I generally like the routine and am glad that we spend this time together each evening; however, with only two kids (we want to have more) this routine can take a couple of hours every night. My daughter is tired at this time of night (Mommy is too), and she insists that only I do every aspect of the routine. Normally this is fine, but at times I need Daddy to step in to brush teeth or read stories. If my husband has to do anything she cries and is very emotional. Once a week I have a Young Women's meeting that requires me to leave in the middle of bedtime--and it can be quite emotionally draining on me. However, once again, once I am out the door she snaps out of it and is perfectly happy for my husband. The only obstacle is literally peeling her off my leg so I can leave! Also, each night after laying with her, talking, singing, telling a story, and praying with her (sometimes spending up to 30 minutes with her in bed) she still cries when it is time for me to leave. Interestingly, when my husband does put her down to bed she happily kisses him goodnight and doesn't put up any fight.
 
I know it is normal for a child to still be fairly attached to her mother at this age (again she doesn't do this type of thing when I drop her off at preschool, primary, babysitters, or dance). I know she has fun with her Dad and enjoys spending time with him. It is just that he is more efficient at bedtime and gets the routine done quicker, where I will linger on things and it is easier for my daughter to stall going to bed when I'm in charge at night. My husband and I kind of think that she is using crying (emotions) on me, because she knows I am generally more receptive to her emotions. Basically these tactics work on momma not on daddy, so she doesn't really try them on him. Anyway, these situations can be tiring at night, and I'm not sure how to be firm but still loving when I feel that she is being a bit manipulative (such a strong word to use when describing a four-year-old's behavior, but it is the most fitting description I could think of).
 
Thank you so much! I look forward to your reply.
 

Caitlin

The Answer:

Dear Caitlin,
 
It's taken me a while to answer this question--so long that it might not even be a problem for you any more!  Usually, this kind of problem is pretty short-lived if you downplay it.  Just peel her arms off gently and say, I'll be back soon, then leave without delay.  If you reduce the drama, it often loses it's effect. 
 
Another thing that I often did with children of that age, was practice.  Some time when you aren't leaving but you're feeling especially close, talk about the problem together.  "Remember how sometimes when I leave, you cry and won't let me go?...Why is that?"  If she can articulate her feelings at a time when emotions are not high, she might feel more understood.  Then practice with her.   Take turns being the mommy who is leaving.  Show her how to give you a kiss and say, "Bye Mommy!  See you soon!"  Once she gets it, do it again and again, praising her.  Tell her that the next time you leave, if she can do it right, you have a treat for her.  Carry some little treats in your purse for a while.
 
The night time routine does seem a bit manipulative.  Children hate to go to bed.  That parting is so painful for them and they try to draw it out as long as they possibly can.  She prefers you because you're willing to spend this extra time.  My suggestion is that you follow your husband's lead and shorten up the routine.  Just move cheerfully from one chore to the next despite her protests--'just two books each night" and when you lay by her, only stay for two or three minutes.  You have seen that no matter what you do, she cries for more.  So just be kind but consistent--but be on the same page with your husband.  In our home, my husband was the story-teller at bedtime and oversaw most of the bedtime routine if he was home.  It gave him time with the children and I usually had a baby to care for.  Maybe you can let your husband take that over if he's willing. 
 
It's a problem that will blow over before long on it's own, but hopefully, these suggestions will help that along.  Good luck.
 
Love,
Jane

How Do I Keep An Eternal Perspective?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am writing this to you as I sit in a locked bed room at the very end of my rope. Despite the irrational feelings of despair at the moment, the question I am about to ask you is tireless and something I wonder about even when I am myself.

How do you keep an eternal perspective and stay cheerful even when you feel like you are being horribly let down by your family? Whether it be housework, picking up after oneself, bickering, and just plain old “helping out.” I cannot expect my family to be perfect but I find that a lot of times I fall into the “little red hen” syndrome in that I tow the line 90% of the time. Then I feel used, under appreciated, the only one that cares and on and on. It is a self pity party that I cannot even stand. I never did like martyrs so when I feel like one it is not a good place to be.

Oh, we have done all the usual natural consequences, chore chart, reward system, etc. etc. When they work they work well, and when they don’t they don’t. It is ebb and flow for sure. But on a day to day basis I get tired of reminding, nagging, asking nicely, and just plain pushing to get the little things done. I have great kids. I feel lucky. I have a great husband. I feel like I won the lottery most days when I think of my family. The days of joy outweigh the days of woe.

I know the problem is mine and my perspective. So, how do I stay cheerful when I have to remind? How do I stay cheerful when they are fighting? How do I stay cheerful when I am let down? How do I put this all into perspective and stay cheerful while I choose my battles and not take everything soooooooooooo personally???? How do I just plain let go and enjoy these years in all of their imperfection?

Anonymous

The Answer:

I know. This is really hard work. Sometimes, just knowing that, helps. I don't play video games but I understand levels and that each level demands new skills, and usually a person dies several times before they master a level. But they just keep at it and gradually become proficient. So it is with motherhood. Each child, each stage brings new challenges and there's no magic trick. You just stay with it. You keep teaching children to work, teaching them how to treat one another, and keep expecting good things of them.

But you are wise to recognize one of the great keys to joy--an eternal perspective. And I'm not just talking about the life after this one, I mean the whole thing--5, 10, 50 years from now as well as in the world to come. It's the ability to see "afar off" as Peter puts it--to lift your eyes above the chaos of everyday life and see that you are creating something meaningful and lasting. When you make a chore chart and really stick with it, it's more than just a way to keep the house clean. It's teaching children skills, responsibility and order. When you patiently work with your children (again and again) to resolve conflicts with each other, you are teaching them to be good spouses and parents. Without this perspective, you might get the feeling that you're not getting anywhere. Your efforts are so slow and tedious and "undone" that they are almost invisible to the untrained eye. A long range view involves faith and hope. It is envisioning results that haven't happened yet--like imagining eating an ear of fresh corn while your down in the dirt planting.

But it isn't all about long-range perspective or focusing on some future joy. Peace and happiness are possible in the "planting" season. You just have to recognize it for what it is--a season of growth for all of you. Enjoy it. You're children will never be these ages again. You won't be able to cuddle up with them, gather them around you and read, clean the whole house together. I had 11 children. I now have years and years ahead of me to knit in my quiet house if I want to. You will too. But try to fully enjoy this journey. I absolutely love looking at the blogs of my readers. Blogging seems to focus a mother's mind on the here and now--the immediate fleeting moments of life. They are about searching for and capturing the profound in the ordinary.

So say a prayer for strength, unlock the door and step up to this challenge. This is hard but doable and you'll want to have done it well. At my stage, my children express gratitude almost every day for the childhood I gave them--and it was all pretty ordinary. But I kind of miss the days when it was a thankless job because it was truly selfless service---a kind I'll never be able to give again.

All my love,

Jane

Preschool and Routines?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I really enjoyed your first "Letter" about discipline, and can't wait for your input on caring for babies. I've also been curious about your opinion on pre-school, as you once mentioned you had some specific feelings about it. I would love for you to elaborate on that. I'm also just curious about what a typical daily/weekly routine would look like for you with small children at home. I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old and I often wonder if I'm striking the "right" balance between housework, playing, teaching, going to playgroups, and finding "me" time. Did you tend to have a predictable weekly routine with specific activities specific days (and daily routines as well) or did you plan as you went along depending on what you felt like that day/week?

I am a very social person, and tend to be involved in 2 playgroups outside the home during the week, and sometimes have friends over here an additional day - this keeps me thriving but I also sometimes wonder if it's more important that we create activities and routines at home with just us. I have also considered working some formal "preschool" time into our routine with my 3 year old, but am not entirely sure how or where to start. Anyway, I welcome your thoughts and experiences!

Jeanine

The Answer:

Dear Jeanine,

Thank you so much for your great question. I can remember very well my early years with children. There always seems to be that nagging question lurking in the back of our minds, "Am I doing this right? Should I be doing more to prepare my children for school? Shouldn't there be more structure?"

The most wonderful, freeing realization you can have as a mother, is that you are creating a world for your children. When you tune in to their needs and key off of them, instead of what your friends and neighbors are doing, or even what the experts are saying, you will experience a new level of pleasure and confidence as a mother. I hate to say too much about it because, it's really up to you!

Some of my children loved drawing and crafts. When I noticed this interest, I would set up a little table for them and provide simple supplies and piles of paper. I made a shoe box for their best work and was amazed at the hours they would spend drawing, coloring and cutting things out to put in their box. Other children were not at all interested in crafts. They might enjoy digging or building with legos. One of my children loved animals. I couldn't get animal library books fast enough and we gradually built a collection of plastic animals. I've always had a chest full of dress-up clothes and I love puppets. Nothing needs to be fancy or expensive. But little children thrive when we feed their interests. I've always steered away from commercial fads--like action figures. I like to keep things simple, real and creative.

When it comes to preschool, I think it's completely unnecessary. I know it seems that if everyone else is sending their children to preschool, yours will be socially and academically stunted if you don't get on board. But these are precious, wonderful years. Those little three and four year olds are sponges like they'll never be again. Their ABC's are nothing. You are teaching them real life lessons--always in a context of faith. Listen to these inspired words:

"We become enamored with men’s theories such as the idea of preschool training outside the home for young children. Not only does this put added pressure on the budget, but it places young children in an environment away from mother’s influence. It is mother’s influence during the crucial formative years that forms a child’s basic character. Home is the place where a child learns faith, feels love, and thereby learns from mother’s loving example to choose righteousness. How vital are mother’s influence and teaching in the home—and how apparent when neglected!" - Ezra Taft Benson

I have participated in play groups and cooperative "Joy Schools" over the years, but nothing academic. Each child has loved kindergarten and has been very successful. I knew that some of their classmates could read before they started, but I didn't care about that--unless my child showed great interest in letters and reading. Then I supplied little workbooks.

Besides their individual gifts and interests, your children will almost certainly share yours! If you love music, so will they. If you're a naturalist or an animal lover, your children will pick up on those interests. I majored in English and love poetry and books. Each one of my children share that love and are gifted writers. That bond has brought me great joy over the years. In the world you create for your children, you will discover the unique gifts your children come with and the talents that you all share. You don't have to follow lesson plans or color visual aids to make this happen. And you certainly don't have to drop them off somewhere. Just love them, enjoy them, and let them emerge in their own way.

Rather than structure and schedule the whole day, choose a few daily routines that you stick to. I loved the way my sister Susan would get all of her children ready for their day right after breakfast. After they were dressed, she would comb their hair, wash their faces and put a little vaseline on their cheeks. They just looked shiny clean. I always shot for that lofty goal and occasionally, I made it! Every day after lunch and before naps, my friend Lisl, chooses a picture from the gospel art kit and teaches the story to her preschoolers. She loves that time with them. These daily rituals establish order and build security. You can prayerfully decide what things are important enough that you will do them every day.

I love this role. I get to paint my walls and schedule my days and decide what matters. And while I can get ideas and inspiration from others, I love that ultimately, it's up to me. Is there really any greater opportunity for creative expression? I hope we can each fully appreciate and take advantage of this great trust and blessing.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Turning to the Lord

Dear Readers,

My heart is tender tonight as I write to you. I just have one thing that I want to communicate to you and I want you to absolutely know it. There is no book you’ll read or blog or expert or philosophy of man that begins to approach the help available to you from the Lord. He is real and he loves your children.

It is possible to go about your life as a parent without ever turning to the Lord for help. You can rely on others—or on your own thoughts and ideas. But I want you to know that the Lord is fully engaged in the success of your family. He knows your children entirely—their strengths, their struggles and their mission in life. He loves them with a perfect love and can offer you clear insights that are tailored to each one. These insights come in many forms, but I have learned to recognize them and once I receive one, I move forward with a perfect knowledge that it will benefit my child.

For example, let’s say that I have a 3 year old that is physically aggressive. Maybe it’s a growing problem and I’ve tried a number of solutions to no avail. Lots of people offer suggestions and I begin to wonder if my child really has a serious problem. In a humbled state, I ask the Lord for help. Or as Nephi so often did, I “cry to the Lord” for help on their behalf.

For me, answers rarely come while I am on my knees. But as the day—or the next few days progress, I will receive help.

Most often, this help comes in the form of understanding—I will be able to see just how my child is viewing things—his perspective. Children rarely think the way we do as adults so this insight helps me get to the root of the problem.

With this broader perspective will come an idea or several ideas that will formulate into a plan. I’ll feel an excitement to carry out this plan—knowing that it came from the Lord.

I will almost always experience a softening of heart toward my child. His strengths will seem more apparent. I might even have feelings of awe toward him—and a new tenderness.

Along with these insights, I will find that I am expanded personally—my patience, my wisdom and my ability to meet the challenge. And this is good because some of these challenges are not going to be over soon or solved in a day. You might have a child with a disability or some other ongoing struggle. Only the Lord can offer you the long-term help and enabling power you will need.

Listen to this great promise: “…if it so be that the children of men (we, as mothers) keep the commandments of God (agree to have children and are trying to raise them in righteousness) he doth nourish them, and strengthen them and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them.” (1 Nephi 17:3) Knowing this, we don’t ever need to feel isolated. We can know without any doubt that we will be helped, inspired, and expanded in every situation.

Many women struggle with feelings that they don’t have time to grow spiritually with all the demands of motherhood. But this process of praying for help, expecting it and acting on it, will build a “living” faith that will become your anchor. When really hard times come—and I’ve had some, and so have you—you will not feel alone. Because you really aren’t.

Besides these specific petitions for help, I encourage you to begin each day with prayer. I know that sometimes your days start before you’re really ready for them. You wake up to a crying baby or a needy child. But as soon as you can-- and maybe it will just be for a minute or two, go into your room, close the door and say a prayer. I guarantee you’ll feel a wash of peace. I have long had a routine of saying my morning prayer when I make my bed. I hum a hymn or primary song while I’m making my bed (opening song) and then I pray.

I am just an ordinary person with extra weaknesses and pettiness and struggles. But I’ve learned over the years that mothers have power with the heavens. The Lord seems quick to honor a humble mother. I know and testify that “I can do all things through Christ, which strengthened me.” Philippians 4:13

With all my love,

Jane