Letters From Jane: Feeling Joy

Dear Friends,


My school year is wrapping up and it’s time to turn my attention to something I really love—all this talk about motherhood. I welcome your questions—though I hope you realize that you are wiser than you know and that if you were on a desert island with no internet and no access to any resources, you could find every answer you need. The beauty of the blog, though, is the feeling that you aren’t on an island and that you’re connected to mothers who believe as you do and share your dedication to this work of all works.

We’ve all heard about gratitude journals. The idea is that at the end of the day, when everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, we’re supposed to pause for a few minutes and recall and then list the things that we’re thankful for. It’s a good idea because it gets us looking throughout the day for the little things we’re glad we have. But what if instead of waiting until bedtime, we learned to stop right in the middle of what we’re doing and let joy distill--just let ourselves feel the full pleasure of a moment before moving on to the next one. I think we’re most likely to feel a little surge of joy when we get all of our senses involved—we touch and smell and listen and let it sink in. We see the rain on the window or the wind in the trees outside and we cuddle our baby and smell his hair and squeeze his round little leg and hear his breathing.

And then the secret to pushing that moment of pleasure all the way to joy is to consider that all of this is a gift from a Heavenly Father who loves us and offers us all that he has—not just at the end, but every moment. What if we actually tried to capture, say, ten of those moments every day—what if we didn’t wait for the spectacular—we just paused in the mundane to really see.

I confess that I have little tricks I do to create moments that I love. For example, I like to make cookies and then race to have the kitchen perfectly clean before they come out of the oven. Then I like to sit down with my children in my nice clean kitchen and drink cold milk from mugs with our warm cookies. It’s so prosaic and corny—motherhood….warm cookies and milk—but I love it. I love it every time.

And another one. I love to clean my room—I mean dust and vacuum and polish the mirror and put everything away and then lay there in that nice clean room and read—by myself if it works out, or with my children.

Both of these examples have involved creating order, almost as a prerequisite to joy. And I think you know what I mean when I say that order helps. But if we wait for order or a big bank account or perfect harmony, we’re going to miss out on a lot of joyful moments.

I’ve actually let myself feel joy when everyone is crying at once and there are toys everywhere and the TV is blaring. It’s just so chaotic that it’s really funny. And I love the feeling that I can regain control. I have the power to make everyone in this room happy—one by one –and to turn off the TV and put on some music and rally the troops in a new direction.

One of my best no-fail methods of feeling joy is to shift the focus to an eternal perspective. Sometimes when I’m just talking to one of my children, I’ll let myself see us—sitting here talking on the earth in this tiny moment of eternity. He will only be a fifteen year old boy this one time in the whole scheme of things. And who knows what things will be like when we leave this earth. Will we ever sit in a bedroom with soccer cleats and backpacks and discuss the challenges of life together—his voice cracking every now and then? I doubt it. This is the only now we have. I value it—and him and I feel joy.

I believe the ability to feel joy is a talent that, if practiced becomes natural and just like with any talent, some people seem born with it. If you’re fortunate enough to be one of those, then just carry on. But if you aren’t, stay with it. Your eyes will open more and more. And don’t forget to share your joys with your children. That way, they’ll learn to see them to.

Have an especially good day.

Love,

Jane

How do I improve my relationship with my 2-year-old?

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading some various posts. I want to ask you and tell you a little bit about my 2 year old daughter and our relationship. She is beautiful. She isbdetermined, strong willed, defiant, dominant and oh so tiny. Any one that comes in contact with Lucy knows she's there. I love her; she is now my middle child. I have a 6 year old son and 4 1/2 month old son. My daughter Lucy is still not speaking and is easily frustrated with me. If she does not get what she wants immediately she screams at me unceasingly. Her and I seem to be continually battling with no winner. I don't yell, spank or say mean things to her, but I have noticed myself pull away from her needs and sometimes I feel it is simply easier to just ignore her adamant, demanding ways. Our relationship is very strained and it worries me. She is somehow different, happier easier to get along with around everyone close to her, her dad, grandma, aunt, etc.

I try to reason with her, set limits, but everything is a fight. We fight when I do her hair, change her diaper, dress her, try to make her meals. She demands so much attention it is taking away from her siblings. She loves her baby brother constantly wants to hold, and cuddle him, but her and her older brother are constantly fighting and she is always destroying anything he is playing with. He never wants to play with her or have her around. By evening I am so drained from the fighting and her constant screaming I want nothing to do with her, but of course she insists I put her to bed. I want our relationship to be better and for her to love me and I want to nurture her in the ways she needs. Even as a baby she wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't sleep in my bed even though I tried she wanted to be in a cradle by herself beside my bed. She didn't want heldand cuddled but instead would love to be left on her stomach on a blanket on the floor until she fell asleep. I nursed her until just weeks before her brother was born and have always tried to remain attached. She has such a strong spirit and I know she is sent from my Father in Heaven I just wish I knew what I needed to do to be the mother she needs me to be.

Thank You,

Lyndsay

The Answer:
Dear Lyndsay,

Thank you for your letter. You’ve done a good job of describing the frustration of a challenging child. In my experience of raising a large family, I acknowledge that some children seem “easier” than others. Our challenge as mothers is to resist the temptation to compare and to develop a strong bond and relationship with each one, independent of the rest. It’s human nature, I think, for our hearts to gravitate toward the pleasant well-behaved child and to emotionally distance ourselves from the more challenging one. We do this in a number of ways.

I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but I had an interesting conversation with a group of friends one day. One of them confessed that she had a “favorite” child. She told us who it was and listed the many reasons that this child had won her heart over the others (they had common interests, the child was grateful, made her proud in public, generous, happy, etc). The others in the group acknowledged that they too had favorite children. Then the conversation turned to the child they “didn’t really like”. Everyone laughed—knowing that “didn’t really like” was a strong phrase and that of course, they loved all of their children. But there was one, they all agreed, who was hard almost from the beginning and that it had never changed. They listed their grievances with “the difficult child” and they certainly seemed justified in their position.

You haven’t made such a claim about Lucy, but it’s easy to see that things might head in that direction. I would caution you and all mothers against establishing such labels—even in your own mind. It’s easy to build a case against a child, to go back and support your case with historical evidence, to continue gathering evidence daily. We do this because, in a way, it absolves us of personal responsibility. “This is just a hard child and has been from the start”. But such thought processes are unproductive and destructive. Very soon, a child senses that he is not like the others in our eyes and continues behaviors that divide and separate. When we recognize that a breech like this is beginning to form, we do everything in our power to repair it and bring a child into the secure circle of our approval and love.

I realize that this is just exactly what you are asking me how to do. The reason that I went into some detail about the mental attitudes of mothers, is that if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll recognize that this is where the breech starts and that this is where the repair must begin.

There are two infallible ways of changing a heart. The first is prayer. Pray all through the day that you can be filled with love and understanding for your child and that she can feel it. Pray for ideas and thoughts and then act on every positive impulse. You mentioned in your letter that she seems to do better with others than with you. That’s good news in a way because it shows that she can control her behavior (admirable for a two year old) and that you can focus on your relationship. That brings me to my second point. Do all the tried and true things that strengthen any relationship. Invest unhurried time. Play with her and let her lead the play. Make lots of eye contact and when you look at her, think, “I love you.”

As a grandmother of grandchildren that live far away, I usually have only a few days to win over my two-year-old grandchildren. They don’t really want me to cuddle and hold them until we’ve spent some quality time together. I have a big fuzzy bean bag that we toss back and forth for as long as they want. There’s lots of smiles and eye contact. Then we read books (more close contact). We play hide and seek. Soon we have a nice little bond going.

You are her primary relationship. Much of your time is spent, of necessity, coercing her to do things that she doesn’t really want to do. This strains your relationship so you have to counterbalance all that coercion with praise, approval, smiles, hugs and meaningful comfortable time together. My experience has been that when my children feel really loved by me and when our relationship is solid, they begin to want to please me. And when I see them doing any little thing—making even the tiniest effort to comply or obey, I stop everything and look into their eyes and compliment them and thank them and hug them. The tide begins to turn.

Finally, recognize that this is the child that is going to teach you all the attributes of godliness—patience, long-suffering, gentleness, charity. This is the child that is going to force you to seek help—to search ponder and pray. You’ve been wanting to put more of that into your life, right? Now you have a purpose! This is the child that is going to refine and change you. This is the child that is going to grow up and remember the many ways that you loved her.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts.

Love,
Jane

Letters From Jane: Preparing Your Children For this World

Dear Friends,

I know I’ve dropped off the planet. As many of you know, I’m in school right now—finishing the degree I started 30 years ago. I haven’t been able to decide what to do about this blog. One great highlight of my life is checking in and reading your comments and feeling connected to you—especially when I hear about your successes in using a loving approach to parenting.

And being in school, really experiencing the attitudes and trends of the world, I feel more dedicated than ever to supporting your work right now—your work as mothers of small children. The basic values that form the foundation of my life—a knowledge of the reality of God and of his son Jesus Christ, the family—a mother, a father and children, a clear line between right and wrong—all these things are being systematically altered and blurred into unimportance.

These days you have now with your children are not only precious but more important than they’ve ever been. They are your chance to establish faith. Weekly family home evenings and attending church are so good but not enough. Talk of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can be woven into all of their days—expressions of gratitude, prayers over simple problems, repentance, stories from the scriptures, parables and commandments. There will come a day in their lives when doubt will be cast upon all the things you’re teaching them—about the rightness and wrongness of things, the origin and meaning of life and the reality of God. You are preparing them now while they are so believing and full of faith, for that day.

I know that the academic, secular environment of a non-religious college campus is extreme and it’s been jarring to my sheltered spirit. But because I came into it with deep faith in some things, that faith has been strengthened by the experience. Maybe it’s the contrast—light in darkness or clear truth vs. subjective fuzziness, but my faith has held up. And it gives me hope that all of our children can meet the world in this way.

I think we’ve all grown up hearing about how we’re a chosen generation reserved for these times. But of this upcoming generation—the ones playing at your feet right now—I believe it’s true. Their world is something altogether different than mine was—or even yours. It swirls with technology and ideas and global connectedness. Isn’t it interesting that the ancient truths of the scriptures are still the key to their gaining wisdom and understanding? The same gospel that made an anchor to the soul of Daniel and Nephi and Paul and the stripling warriors is available to your children in its fullness. It’s your mission to infuse and transmit those truths into the “fleshy tables of the heart” each day.

Don’t do it with fear but with faith. As the forces for good and evil line up, you are on the winning side. The powerful eternal truths of God told in your simple words and with your familiar voice are all that is needed. In all of your doings every day, do this.

I can’t make promises about how often or well I will be able to maintain this blog, but I’m staying with it because I just think I need the support right now—the support of powerful mothers in a shaky world.

All my love,
Jane

If you’d like to read more on this topic, check out this article.

How to Train Your Dragon

Wouldn’t that be a great alternative name for this blog? “How to Train Your Dragon—The Loving Approach to Discipline.”

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, go get it. It’s a lesson in parenting!

Here were these difficult, impossible dragons—each with its own gifts and challenges. But the single perfect way to train each of them was not by coercion or manipulation or brutality. It was just all about learning to read them and appreciate them and give them the simple things they needed. It was all about mercy and gentleness. As soon as those dragons felt perfectly safe, they were tame. And they were bonded and devoted. They became assets instead of liabilities.

I loved that moment of truth—when Hiccup came to slay the dragon and then he looked in his eye and felt that connection. Instead of feelings of power and domination, he felt empathy. He recognized that the dragon felt just like he did. He dropped his sword and treated him as he would like to be treated. That was the turning point. Only then could he slowly, over many days, win his love.

And wasn’t it interesting how he started out relying on the tried and true dragon book for all his information. But he wasn’t successful until he threw it away and trusted his instincts.

And I loved how he stood alone—going against the culture of the day, caring more about the relationship he had formed than about what outsiders thought of him.

But gradually, as people began to see this new higher way, they became believers.

Now I realize it was fiction---but it contained a lot of truth.

So just keep it on hand and pull it out at the end of a long day and remember what kind of parent you really want to be—what kind of relationships you really want to have with your children.

Are you willing to eat a few raw fish if that’s what it takes to connect?

Have a great day with your own little dragons.

Love,

Jane

And another thing….that awesome dragon that he tamed was “The Night Fury”. Think about that when you’re walking the floor with a teething baby at two am.

Discouraged By What I'm Not Doing?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am in my ward’s Primary presidency and I have three very active young children ages five, three, and a new baby. My husband works very long hours (usually more than 12 a day) and travels. I am grateful to be able to stay home with our kids and recognize the blessing it is, but by the end of the day I’m exhausted, frustrated, and go to bed knowing that I’m going to have to do it all over again tomorrow. I know my situation is far from unique and that women all over the world do exactly what I’m doing everyday—probably with much more patience. But since I constantly feel emotionally and physically drained I feel like I have no energy for my Primary calling. I live in a very young ward with a large Primary so everyone serving in callings also has young children. I want to be dedicated and to care about the children in our ward and to feel a deep concern for their well-being, but most days I don’t even feel like I can offer my all to my own children let alone everyone else’s children. I’m not going to ask for a release from my calling and I feel happy when I’m in Primary, but the rest of the week I rarely think about the children in my ward and things I can do to help them and I feel bad for not wanting to care/feeling like I can care. Do you have any advice?


Sincerely,
The Ornery Primary Lady
 
The Answer:
 
Dear Friend,

Actually, I would say that your situation is pretty unique--your husband working twelve hour days and travelling besides? A new baby and two other little ones? No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. In response to your letter, I'd like to share a little lesson that I recently learned from my daughter, Natalie. It has really helped me and maybe it can be a lesson for all of us. Natalie has four little boys and another on the way. The oldest is five. About a month ago, I was really worried about her. She seemed completely buried--tired and discouraged. I don't live close to her and because I am finishing my degree right now, I wasn't even available by phone. Our hurried conversations always left me feeling helpless. I offered many prayers for her throughout my days at school. Then one day, she shared a new insight she had gained. It was so profound. She realized that it was humanly impossible to do all that was required of her in a day, perfectly. She was just one person--one tired, pregnant person. So she stopped and thought about what mattered most to her...what gave her the most satisfaction at the end of the day, and what disappointed her the most if left undone. She realized that what really mattered the most to her were her relationships--with the Lord, with her husband and with her children, She decided that those relationships would come first for her. She began to make sure that she made time for scripture study. She has always studied but now it became a top priority. She became more attuned to each of her children. If the laundry sat undone it was ok. It things weren't perfect, they weren't. At the end of the day, she measured her success by these relationships. She was surprised to find that by putting those things first, the other tasks usually fell into place as well. But inwardly, she felt a new peace.


All of that said, I want to encourage you not to give up on your church calling. I've known a lot of people who let their callings go in the name of "family comes first" and usually, they don't experience the relief they hoped for. Over the years, I've accepted callings and I see them as an opportunity to use my talents in serving the Lord. As a result, my capacities have increased and many of my talents have been developed in ways that are surprising. For example, I've learned to organize people, plan and carry out activities, assess needs and meet them. I've grown musically and learned teaching skills. I've learned a great deal about child development. Long before I had teen-agers, I had the opportunity to work with them and understand their challenges. It played a part in how I taught my little children when I got home--what I chose to emphasize to prepare them for those years. I came to understand that magnifying my callings in the church, not only brought blessings to our family, but expanded me personally.


Of course, there is another great benefit. As our children watch us give our all to the Lord, they learn that he is important--they learn to be magnifiers themselves. I certainly got that message from my mother. I'll never forget her years as a Stake MIA president. Back then, it was a tremendously demanding calling. I must have been about 6 or 7 when we spent an entire Saturday decorating the church for a "Centennial Ball." We transformed a room into an ice cream parlor, we hung chandeliers (that we had constructed from coat hangers, twinkle lights and spray paint) all over the gym--and more. It was so elaborate. But I learned that we give our best to the church. It's the Lord's kingdom on earth. I can tell you honestly, that my service in the church has never taken away from my family. When I start feeling like I don't like a calling, I sit down and list all the things I could be doing to magnify it and then I just start doing them little by little. Before I know it, I love my calling. And almost every one of my closest friendships have been formed as I've worked along side people in the church. It's the way our hearts are knit together. Those connections, with your presidency, teachers and especially the children can bring joy and meaning to your life as you make this sacrifice.


I hope this reply doesn't seem insensitive. I really do know that your life is very demanding. But remember that the Lord thinks you can do this even with a full plate. Maybe he wants to stretch you. I'm grateful that he has steadily believed in me through the years, challenged me and accepted my efforts. May he bless you.


With love,
Jane

A Letter From Jane: A House Of Order

Dear Readers,

I know that when you read the title of this letter, you’ll be hoping for cleaning tips or organization methods.  I do have some of those.  But I want to say a word today about something more basic.  And I’d like to start out by issuing you a challenge.  This challenge is going to sound impossible.  So you know I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important and if I didn’t know how much it would bless your life.  Here it is.  I want you to begin every day with 15 minutes or more of scripture study, followed by a really good prayer.  I’m not sure how you’re going to do it…how you’ll need to juggle, but I want you to commit to try.  

And it really matters that you do it before everything else.  Here’s why.

1. It clearly tells the Lord that he comes first with you—that everything else in your life is built upon this relationship.  You know that wonderful scripture in Ether (5:12)  …it is upon the rock of your Redeemer that you must build your foundation…  Picture that your days are like structures that you are building. When you place the Lord first, he becomes the foundation of your work.  Like paying tithing first, there is power in everything else that follows and confidence that your efforts will be magnified, blessed and that the windows of heaven will be opened.  When we launch into our day without that help, we are flying alone.  Our Heavenly Father becomes an afterthought…even an obligation.  
2. You will experience an increase of peace.  I love this quote by Merrill Bateman:  “As faith grows, our vision of eternity expands, which increases our capacity to meet life’s challenges.”   There is no more challenging life than yours.  You need wisdom.  You need ideas and plans and blueprints to go on as you raise these little children.  Why wouldn’t we enlist the Lord’s help and depend on his direction?  There is no more satisfying experience than to receive a flash of inspiration about one of your children—knowing that it came from outside of yourself.  It’s usually something so simple but when implemented it turns the tide.  It’s always loving.  And peace comes because you recognize that you are not alone.  You remember that you are not the only parent here.  You are really just an instrument.  As I’ve mentioned before, these flashes of light do not usually come during the prayer or even during the scripture study, but later in the day.
3. It is the way to truly teach your children the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It becomes written in the “fleshy tablets of your heart.”   You teach them from your own experience.  When you tell them of the reality of God, they know that you know.  Otherwise, it’s only words.  The accumulated days of study and prayer, produce in you, core strength.  There is no substitute for that.  There is no shortcut.   Our world is darkening.  In the past few weeks, I have watched some of my most precious friends struggle with their faith, lose their testimony and let go.  We’re going to see this more and more as we move into these final days.  Our children need more than visual aids.  They need to know because their mothers taught them.  

There are other reasons.  But unless you really commit to this and create this pattern in your life, you will not experience the blessings.  Give place for this expansion to happen.  It will give perspective and often solutions to every single problem in your life.  I know this from my own experience.  I’ll end with my current favorite scripture.  I read it in Gospel Doctrine class this past Sunday and I loved it.

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.  For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her tent shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.”   Jeremiah 17: 7-8

All my love,
Jane

Discussing Sexuality With Children?

The Question:

Hi there,

I just have to ask, how and when do you discuss sexuality with children?  What do you include, or leave out?  I have a seven year old, and was surprised to learn that many of her friends have already had the talk from their parents.  My daughter hasn't expressed any curiosity about where babies come from, or how our bodies change, etc.  Help!

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

I'll confess that I made a lot of mistakes in this area.  I grew up in the most "Victorian" of homes and the topic of sex was never discussed.  Never.  So I sort of had the idea that since I managed to figure things out, it wasn't absolutely necessary to go into much detail with my children.

As a matter of fact, just a moment ago, while I was typing this response, my daughter, Marlee, who is at BYU,  sent an instant message and we had the following conversation:

marlee: MOM

me: Marlee! hello.

marlee: are you at school?

me: yes

marlee: me too!

me: I'm answering an Asking Jane letter about when to talk to your children about sex.  Not exactly my strong point.

marlee: haha.  Just say: "Don't tell them. That's what I did."

There you have it--a little glimpse into one of my weak spots.  So I'm going to answer this question based on what I know now and what I would do now if I had it to do over again.

What I did:
I expected my husband to talk with the boys, while I handled the topic (haphazardly) with the girls.

What I should have done:
As a mother, I would talk with each of my children--boys and girls--and make sure that this topic was safe and comfortable in our home.

What I did:
I waited until they asked before I talked to them.

What I should have done:
At around 10-12 (depending on the child), I would initiate this conversation if it hadn't come up yet.  I know there is disagreement about when.  A lot of people think 8 is ideal but I think it might be a little hard for my 8-year-olds to swallow.

What I did:
I assumed that once I'd talked to most of them, the word would filter down through the ranks.  So some slipped through the cracks.

What I should have done: 
I should never have treated this vital topic carelessly.  I should have seen that each of my children was taught individually.

What I did right!
I really taught modesty at an early age and a high regard for the body.  I didn't allow crudeness.

When I did sit down and talk to my daughters, I taught them in the context of our Heavenly Father's plan for us.  I used the Proclamation on the Family as a guide.  This conversation was really powerful because it became clear that Satan had an arsenal of ammunition and our discussion led to the many ways he uses it.  This topic really does invite the spirit because it is at the core of our creation and purpose.  Since I had often taught my children the plan of salvation, and they had an understanding of why they were here on the earth, they easily accepted this new information.

This is a wicked world and Satan has hit new lows in his distortion and display of sex. It's not okay to approach this responsibility in the careless way that I did.  We must give a clear and timely understanding to our children.  I hope that you can learn from my mistakes.

With love,
Jane

One-Year-Old Screamer?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

  I am absolutely impressed with your blog.  Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with people like me who are new moms. 

So my question is this:  My 1 year old has become a screamer.  He screams to communicate and it is so embarrassing.  I spend church time, in secluded rooms, and find myself giving in to just about anything to make him stop.  It is a blood curdling scream, not just a little one.  My 2 1/2 year old never did this, so it is throwing me for a loop.  I feel like I have tried everything and exhausted every resource.  I AM EXHAUSTED.  It is flustering, and I can't seem, despite my best efforts, to get him to communicate in other ways.  Please help me if you know how.  He is only 1 as of Sept 4th, so I am not sure what to do. 

My husband and I just moved from a home to an apartment so that he could go back to school.  The neighbors can hear EVERY minute of my son's screaming . What do I do?

Lisanne

The Answer:

I am so sorry.  I remember returning to school with three little children and how I worried about the neighbors.  It was a lot of pressure.  And screaming is so unnerving.

 

But you realize, of course, that this is a temporary phase.  And it's good that you recognize that your little man is just trying to communicate.   The key is to downplay it.  If he sees you responding, he will think it's a game.  If you run over and grab him every time or look alarmed or, worst of all, give him what he wants, he'll have no reason to stop.    I would just try to downplay it and continue teaching him to say words.   Meet his needs in every way--make sure he's getting plenty of sleep and keep him fed.  Give him lots of love.  If he screams, walk away.  When he doesn't, pour it on.

 

That is to say, give him lots of positive attention when he isn't screaming and not much at all when he is.  If you have to remove him (because you're in church or some other public place) just don't make a big deal about the screaming.   Don't tense up and cover his mouth.   Calmly take him out and wait for him to stop.   Then make eye contact and smile and talk to him.  When he screams, be unresponsive.  I would also explain your dilemma to your neighbors and let them know that you're working with him.  Chances are, they aren't hearing anything.  Don't be exhausted by this.  Just ride it out and try to keep it low key.  At this age, your son is just trying out all of his new skills.  When he finds the ones that bring rewards, he'll gradually leave the others behind.  Children at this age are very perceptive.  He's going to stop when he realizes that screaming gets him nothing.

 

This is a challenge but you can do it. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

Borderline ADHD?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

  I have a questions about ADHD. My 6 year old son, who has been diagnosed with "borderline ADHD" ( he doesn't meet all the criteria for full-blown ADHD) has been a great challenge for me and my husband. He doesn't handle transitions well, is very rigid at times, and is beginning to show anger and defiance toward us when we tell him what to do. The doctor said his brain is "wired" differently than most kids and will probably be ok, but I am worried. Do you have any advice or experience in this area?

Thanks so much-

Felicia

The Answer:

Dear Felicia,

I haven't experienced ADHD in my family, but I have definitely worked with difficult children and teens.  Maybe because I only know one way to work with children, I've come to believe that a loving approach generally brings out the best in people--without exception.  You realize by now, that by "loving", I don't mean permissive.  I mean clear, consistent and firm.  But in a way that always communicates love.  In most cases that I've observed, anger comes when children feel dominated, forced and backed into a corner.  When they feel listened to, respected and securely loved, they almost always become more reasonable.  I understand that your son might have difficulty accepting limits. But he needs them and if you are clear and consistent and kind as you enforce them--giving generously in other areas (saying "yes" with a twinkle in your eye whenever you can) he will accept "no" more readily.  He is still young and in danger of being earmarked as "bad" and unlovable.

 

So, to me, the principles I advocate on this blog, completely apply with your son--maybe more so.  Between outbursts, during day to day life, work very hard on your relationship with him.  Discover his talents and learn to genuinely appreciate aspects of his personality.  Express love often--both in words and by holding him close to you.  Realize that because of his behavior problems, he may not have many people who smile at him and treat him warmly.  Let him see love in your eyes.   Help him over the bumps that other children seem to handle well on their own.  Just try to be on his side instead of being embarrassed by him.  Discover ways of working with him that really seem to hit the mark.  Pray for insight. 

 

You know that old saying about how nice it would be if kids came with a set of instructions.  Well, if I were to boil it down to step one and two, it would be--- love and teach---in that order.  When I feel loved I feel good.  When I feel good, I want to be good.  As my wise mother used to say, "a misbehaving child is a discouraged child".  That little piece of information gives us a map to follow.  

 

Finally, don't compare him with anyone ever.  Maybe his behavior will not be ideal by the world's standards and he might even be the worst kid in the class.  But stay focused on him and on his small improvements and praise his efforts however hard to see.   Be his fan and maybe sometimes, his only friend.

 

I believe we have the children we have for a reason.  Maybe we can best help them to grow. Maybe they can best help us to grow!  It's an amazing plan and if we step up to it, it will bring us joy.  This much I know.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

How Do I Learn To Like Motherhood?

The Question:

 

As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room and shut the world out, be left alone with my thoughts and just be me. I hated it when my little sister would even touch me.  I need space.

 

Now that I'm a mother, I feel those same things yet don't get to lock myself in my room.  To top it off I have never been a very nurturing person yet not long after getting married, I wanted to have kids.  Now I have 3 kids (ages 8,6, &3) and feel like it's almost too much.  Some days I wake up asking myself what in the WORLD I was thinking having 3 kids?  Being a loving mom just doesn't come naturally to me. at. all.  I try and I try but it's almost against my nature.  It's hard for me not to compare myself to other moms who claim that they "just love being a mom" etc.  I feel like something is wrong with me because Some days I HATE being a mom.  When I leave on vacation without my kids, I don't really miss them.  It's hard to admit this as a member of the Church striving to magnify my calling as a mother.  I feel like this is not the norm.    I have read zillions of parenting books and am always working at improving but... I don't know how to LOVE (or even like) motherhood.  I wish I was the kind of mom that could handle 11 kids like yourself but I'm not and that makes me sad and frustrated.  So how do I learn to like motherhood?

 

The Answer:

 

Dear friend,

 

I am probably not the best one to answer this question.  I was born for motherhood.  I know that and I know that it's been a blessing for me.  The very thing I'm supposed to do--the very role that I am supposed to embrace, just happens to be my first love.  So a person like me gets all kinds of affirmation in the church.  My heart really does go out to people who struggle with this role and expectation and who just don't find the joy they keep hearing about.  I have a few thoughts and I'd like to invite readers to share their experiences in this area.

 

You already have children and they only have one mother, and one childhood.  You need to learn to really know and love your children.  You just can't give in to the self-doubts you're experiencing.  Nurturing is a skill that can be learned and love has a source.   Pray that your heart may be made tender toward each of your children.  You are the single most important person in their lives.  Your approval, your affirmation of them, your knowledge and acceptance of their uniqueness will stay with them throughout their lives.  If there is emptiness and coldness in your relationship with them, they will be injured.  You might feel like you really can't help that.  You don't feel it so what can you do?   You can invest yourself in a different way than you are now investing.  Maybe you are just very custodial.  Feeding them.  Cleaning the house.  Hauling them around.  Noticing all the ways they drive you crazy--arguing, undoing what you've done, talking back, etc.  But just step back.  Look at each child individually.  What is on their mind?  Who are they?  What is their world like?   Picture yourself building a visible bond.  Every time you smile at them, hug or touch or laugh at something together, you are strengthening the bond.  Be alone with each one and talk about things.  Just look right into their eyes and listen intently.  While you're listening, think that you love them, that they are precious.  They will see that thought in your eyes.  You might feel awkward about this.  Maybe you aren't a touchy feely kind of person.  But children really are and they interpret little gestures like a gentle hand on their back or a genuine smile to mean, "I love you."  I guess what I'm really getting at, is just force yourself to go through the motions of eye contact, touch and smiling with a light in your eyes until you begin to feel it.  Realize that you are feeding your child in a very real way.  This is nurturing.

 

Put yourself on a two week plan of going through the nurturing motions that I've described.  Take each child on an outing alone during the two weeks.  Do something fun like bowling or hiking or hunting for some special treasure with them at a thrift store.  When you get back home, don't go right into the house.  Just stay in the car.  Tell them that you've had such a good time with them and express your love.  Also during the two weeks, compliment each of them each day.  Focus on the good things they do.  Picture that you are building a bond.  Try not to raise your voice or look at them in way that communicates disdain.  If they misbehave, take them individually into another room and talk to them.  Hold their hand and talk to them. 

 

This is your family.  A family is different from any other project or accomplishment because it is an eternal, living thing.  It extends on for generations.  If you can make the sacrifice to learn to nurture, you'll not only be building emotionally healthy children, but you'll be teaching them how to nurture the generation that follows.  And I really can't describe to you the return on this investment of yourself.  Your children will not always be small.  They will grow to love you if you first love them.      My children still at home--ages 16, 14, 11 and 9 are genuinely soothing to me.  I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day--like good friends.  They aren't any better than your children!  I loved them every day.  Now they love me.

One final note...sometimes we fill our lives with hobbies or pursuits that produce more immediate rewards.  If we aren't careful, we start to resent our children and see them as obstructions to the things that bring us real pleasure.  The key is to discover pleasure in our children--to make them central, to genuinely value them during the relatively short time that they are in our home. 

 The day will come that you will be free to spend whole days any way you want-- you can travel, go to school, or go in your room and shut the door  But today, you are a mother.  I challenge you to come out and keep trying.  I know that the Lord will bless your efforts.

All my love,

Jane

My 6 month old just started crying before naps?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

Wondering if you can help!

My six month old daughter has just started crying before her day time naps.  And when I say crying, I mean really screaming sometimes kicking her legs out and arching her back, and for up to 20 or 30 minutes before going to sleep.

Up until now she has been an absolute angel.  She sleeps about 12 - 13 hours through the night with 1 or 2 feeds (usually 1), but she goes straight back to sleep after the feed, or I put her in her cot and she puts herself to sleep.  She is still doing this now, and is still an angel at night, but it's the day naps that have started causing heartache.

She has always only power napped in the day - usually only sleeps for about 30 - 40 minutes at a time and 3 or 4 times in the day.  In the past she'd start grizzling and rubbing her eyes and I knew she was tired, so I'd give her the dummy (she only uses this for day time naps) and she'd go to sleep straight away.  Now she screams and screams.  Is this normal?  At first I thought she may be teething, but why would she only cry at pre-sleep time?  Then I thought that maybe she is just at that age where she changes a bit, gets her own personality, and isn't just a dream baby who only sleeps, eats and poo's!  A lot of people have told me babies change at around 6 months.

Anyway, would appreciate your advice, thanks so much!

Kindest Regards,

Clair Mudaliar

(Gold Coast, Australia)

 

The Answer:

Dear Clair,

 

I just noticed that you sent this letter in July and I'm just getting it answered in October!  That means that your baby is nine months old now and is probably doing something completely different.  I love your Australian accent that comes through in print!  A "dummy" must be a pacifier, "grizzling" must be fussing, and every mother everywhere loves her baby to go to sleep "straight away."

 

I agree with your friends that tell you that babies go through changes at six months.  And they continue to change pretty regularly until they are 3 or 4 years old.  It's frustrating for a mom because just when she thinks she's got a great system going, her baby quits cooperating.  They don't need as much sleep, they become more aware of their surroundings, they teethe, they catch a little cold, they take a jump in appetite.  If you want to maintain a strict schedule in your life, if you want your baby to be in her bed at certain hours, you can.  But you'll have to plan on letting her scream or just lay awake to accommodate you.  I had eleven children.  Some were content and happy, others more demanding, but I never accomplished the feat of determining when they would sleep and when they would wake.  I knew every trick in the book to get a sleepy baby to sleep.  My husband was genius at it.  But if they weren't ready, I just let them be up until they were. 

 

Judging from the letters I receive, sleep seems to top the list of difficulties you face as mothers.  Sometimes it's easy to equate your overall success and failure as a mother, with how well your children go to bed.  There are hundreds of books written on the subject.  I've read some of them.  But I think that really, I just gave up fighting it.  The more I read about brain development in the first year, the less comfortable I felt letting babies scream it out.  So I didn't.  I walked, rocked, used binkies, bottles, car rides,etc.  When I was worn out, my husband stepped in.  Many times when we'd had a particularly rough night with a baby, we'd find that they had a fever in the morning and probably had been achy and miserable during the night.  I was glad we hadn't left them to cry.  After the first year, I had tender feelings for them.  I had a relationship.  I didn't feel comfortable letting them cry then either.  Sometimes I let them sleep with me.  It just wasn't a big deal.  By the time they were three or four, they seemed to go to bed better unless they had a late nap.  You see, my policy was just to be sensitive to their feelings...about sleep and about everything else.  They were people.  I just tried to treat them well.  I wanted them to feel secure, safe and loved.  It isn't, perhaps, the neatest, tidiest way, but it's a way that I look back on with satisfaction.  I believe that unique bonds are formed in the long, hard nights.  Motherhood requires continual sacrifice and then sometimes even new levels of sacrifice.  

 

This has been a long answer to a short question.  So...I would move through the stages of your baby's life with flexibility.  Don't get frustrated.  Just meet her needs from day to day and enjoy each new stage of development.  Accept that they are part of life and that she's growing as she should, and find tender ways of helping her learn to sleep as she changes.

 

All my love,

 

Jane

Lap Wars During Reading Time?

The Question:

Jane,

I'm curious if you have any ideas for dealing the lap wars that ensue whenever I try and read a book these days.  My kids are 3.5 and 18 mo.  I've tried giving them each a turn (even changing who is sitting on my lap after each book), but the 18 mo. just cries and cries and tries to wiggle his way back on when it isn't his turn to sit on my lap, and of course, the 3.5 wants the attention too.  I really want reading to be a positive experience for both of them.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Brittany

The Answer: 

Dear Brittany,

I know I quote my mother far too often on this blog--but sometimes I can just hear her little chuckle when I read your questions and I can also hear her answer.  She used to say, "Is there anything better than holding your baby while another child is clamoring to get on?"

 It sounds like that "enjoyable" moment has lost some of its charm.  Here's what I'd do.   I would tell my oldest child that the younger one gets to sit on my lap because he is the baby.  "But I need you to sit right beside me and turn the pages...because you're the oldest ."    Then just stick to it.  They'll accept your routine if you are firm.  If it really turns into an all out war, say, "Oh dear, I guess we'll have to read later."  Just make a big deal about that older child's responsibility to turn the pages.  And keep them cuddled close and remember that the oldest one just wants to feel important to you.

Love,

Jane

Husband Issues?

The Question:

So far I've only seen questions relating to kids, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to tackle one about husbands?

My problem is I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after my husband. He cooks and leaves a mess on the stove that I have to clean off. He leaves dishes all over the house. When he cooks, he also leaves wrappers on the counters. I try not to mind, because he's working full time and going to school, but at the same time, couldn't he at least rinse his plates? The other day I woke up and there was spaghetti sauce all over the stove. I mean, ALL over. when he woke up (he works graves) I asked him if he'd clean it up. He said, "I knew that would be the first thing you said to me today." (If you knew it was coming, why didn't you wipe it off?!) And then he never cleaned it.

I've talked with him about using paper plates, and he is SO opposed to them, but won't tell me why. I understand if you're eating a steak, you don't want to have to cut up your plate. But if you're microwaving a quesadilla, shouldn't it be worth it to eat off a paper plate so your wife doesn't have to scrape off the melted cheese?

Also, I feel like the only thing I regularly ask him to do is take out the garbage. It really is too heavy for me most of the time. Before I was married, I had a tiny garbage can that would fit under the sink, so it had to be taken out every day and never got heavy or stinky. As soon as we got married, he started campaigning for a bigger can, and I told him he could get it if he'd be the one taking out the trash. So I ask him VERY nicely, and he says he'll do it, then doesn't. And I'm not even asking him to make a special trip! I always say, "Baby, when you leave, would you take the trash out with you?" He says yes, then leaves without it. I remind him, and he says sure thing, then leaves again. This will go for several days before he gets frustrated with me asking and finally takes it out. I partly feel like I want to make a point and he SAID he'll take it out, so he SHOULD! But also, sometimes when I finally cave and do it myself, he says, "I said I'd take it out!"

So how do I talk to him about this without it turning into a big argument? I don't want to feel like a nag, but that's the only way to get things done. I feel so disrespected, and like he's taking advantage of me, even though I know that's not what it's about.

Please Help!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

It sounds like maybe you and your husband are at a stand-off.  You're in a pattern that builds resentment and separation.   If you really want to strengthen your marriage and feel loved and cared for by your husband, you have the ability to turn things around.  But you are going to have to stop keeping score, stop looking for evidence of his neglect and stop making requests and then waiting for him to fail you again.   You need to step back and look at what he is giving you--working full time and going to school so he can take good care of you.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I know.  I'm still back there in the age where a man's role was to provide and a woman's role was to create a warm loving home for him to return to every night--rather than a frown and a pile of chores.   I think you should do all you can to support him with this difficult schedule.   Make it your goal to be the woman he can't wait to see and hates to leave.   Make it so that he loves and appreciates you so much that he wants to take your garbage out.  I know, I know.  It's his garbage just as much as it is yours.  But men like to feel like they're doing something for you and that you love them for it--not like naughty little children that you have to keep in line.   Express appreciation continually for the sacrifices he's making for you.  Doing this will invite him to lower his defenses and begin to appreciate you in return.

Of course, this will only work if it is deeply sincere.  Make up your mind that you are going to serve him without resentment.   It only takes a few seconds to wash a plate.  Don't make a big show of it.  When you feel like complaining, give him a smile and a big hug and tell him it's the least you can do considering all that he does for you.  I can almost guarantee that as he feels this love and support from you, you will not have to take out the garbage.  He'll see you doing it and say, "Hey little lady, I'll get that for you."  And you'll say, "Thanks."  And he'll just think you're the best thing ever made.  Your marriage will flourish.

Pray each day to know how to better serve and care for your husband and you will receive ideas and a softening of heart.  The love you have for each other is right at the bedrock of your successful home.  It's worth any effort.

With love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Creating Everyday Fun In Your Family

Dear Friends,

 

 I'd like to talk to you about a wonderful aspect of family life.....Fun!  There is nothing more bonding than laughing together.   It is truly leaven in the loaf and I'm sorry to pin one more thing on you, but you, the mother, control so much of the "fun level" in your home.  I confess that I'm a pretty productive person.  I'm happiest when I'm getting things done and if left unchecked, I would move the family from one serious endeavor to the next.  Maybe that's why the Lord sent me a houseful of fun people---and funny too. 

 

 Fun often means that you have to stop what you're doing and enjoy the moment.  Here's a story.  Long, long ago, I was making bread and someone--I'm not sure who---invented the dough game.  Each person in the immediate area is given a plastic cup with a little ball of dough inside.  Everyone stands in a circle---as wide as the room accomodates and on the count of three, they toss their ball to the right.  So of course, each person has to toss and catch within a second.  The goal of course, is to successfully catch all the dough balls.  Once we get a good rhythm going, we try for 20 catches in a row, or we add variations--like throwing all the dough up and then catching whatever we can and...ok, usually dough fights ensue.  To this day, I can never make bread or rolls without someone starting up the dough game. 

 

 Fun doesn't have to cost anything.  I'm always amazed at the money people spend on fun---and often, the activities aren't that fun.  I've found that when we set out on a free adventure, and I'm in a good mood, something surprising and memorable usually happens.  Like Riverfront Park.  It's a beautiful park here in Spokane with walkways and waterfalls.  There's a carousel and a tram and other ways to spend money.  But we rarely do those things.  We feed the ducks, we look at the falls, we bring a snack.   And always, always some good, unexpected thing is waiting for us.  One time, the boys caught 32 crayfish.  I know, I know.  Yuck!  But they loved it and they even cooked some and ate them when they got home.  Another time, a little colony of marmots popped up in some rocks on a hillside.  We were the only ones around and when the marmots discovered that we had crackers, they became very friendly. 

 

As the mother, you help your children to realize and appreciate the wonder and the joy of simple fun.  You can exclaim, "This is amazing!"  "Can you believe our good luck?"  "What could be more fun than this?" 

 

When a family experiences these unexpected, unplanned pleasures together, their love and appreciation for eachother flourishes.  When you, as the mother, pause and identify the moment, a memory is cemented.

 

I love humor and I've noticed that many families seem to have a sense of humor all their own.  Where does that come from?  I'm not sure.  But I love that aspect of family life.  We can encourage and develop our children's sense of humor by laughing with them and pointing out the funny moments in life.   One day, my grandson Jack called to say that they had woken up to find a chicken in their back yard.  He laughed and laughed as he told me about it.  In another household, the tone may have been different.  The parents might have been annoyed or nervous about this chicken, but Jack's parents saw the humor in the situation so Jack did to.  What a gift we give our children when we encourage them to see humor in everyday life.  My daughter Kristen had a habit of humming a little soundtrack to things she saw as we drove along.  For example, if a dog was trotting down the road, she would hum a perfect accompaniment to his gait.  I loved that!  And I still hear those little tunes in my head. 

 

Set a goal to laugh with your children at least two or three times a day.  Help them see humor.  When things start gettig heavy and intense, stop everything and shock them with a game of your own invention.  You know that old proverb "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones."  I know that "dry bones" burned out feeling.   I sometimes have it in the car when we're heading off on an outing.  I've cleaned the house, made the food, dressed the kids, loaded everything up and I'm completely shot.  So I've sat there in the passenger seat and prayed for a merry heart because I've learned that I'm the determining factor. My husband is always a great sport and kids just want to have fun.  As usual, the Lord comes through and softens me up and all is right with the world.    And that's good medicine for all of us.

 

Have a fun week.

 

Love you,

Jane

New Mom Isolation?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

 

I know it has been a long time since you were just a mother of one, but as that is what I am, that is where my question comes from. My question isn't about my baby, it's about me.

 

Now, let me first set some things straight. I love being a mother. It is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. My daughter is seriously an angel baby. When she's having a rough day, other people don't understand because that is how their babies were on normal days. She is a great sleeper and is as cute as can be. I love her. She is great. I am doing everything I can to soak up these precious moments when I am her best friend and she lights up when she sees me. I know this time is going to go by fast.

 

My problem is the loneliness in my life. My husband is great, but he is working while also attending law school. Although he is the oldest in his family, he struggles with his schedule no longer being his own with the little one around, esp. since our time together is limited due to the demands on his time. We don't live anywhere near family; we don't feel like we fit in at all in our ward (which is amazing in a ward where there have already been something like 20 babies born this year, you would think we'd be perfect in that demographic.) I am tired of trying to make friends and failing, but 18 hours alone every day with a 3 month old gets to be a little isolating. I even have talked to my doctor about PPD, but she's fairly certain that that is not my issue.

 

When it is a chore just to get to the grocery store with my little one, how am I supposed to be motivated to get out  and do other things? How can I combat this new mom isolation and have a conversation where I can get a response that is a little more complex than ga ga goo?

Thank you,

AJ

 

The Answer:

Dear AJ,

 

I am reasonably certain that since you wrote this letter back in July, you have already solved this problem to some degree.  But because I've received several letters like yours, I'm going to offer some suggestions.

 

First let me refer you to a response from last March (March 8: Dealing with Loneliness)  In it, I give almost every idea I can think of for reaching out and connecting with others.  There are also several great comments from readers that might help you.

 

But besides "reaching out" ideas, I'd like to give you one other thought.  I've discovered over my lifetime, that there are some lonely seasons.  I've gone through them.  I've watched my children go through them.  I think they serve a purpose.  We really learn compassion when we experience that isolated feeling.  We don't like to see someone sitting alone.  We are motivated to teach our children how to notice and include people.   But more than even these valuable lessons, I think we really discover the reality of a Heavenly Father.  I've never felt closer to him than during those times when I've run out of places to turn.  The more lonely I've felt, the more open I've been to his love.  Maybe it's just that we have to be really empty before we recognize how it feels to be filled.  Certainly, those times of isolation and need have deepened my testimony more than the times of feast.

 

Because before long, life becomes full and busy and so we forget, to some degree, that most precious relationship and we lose, to some degree, that precious dependence. 

 

So my suggestion is that you try to form friendships, but also learn the lessons that your present life can teach you. 

 

All my love,

 

Jane

Coming Back...and a request.

Dear Readers,

After a short absence, I am back!  I’ve missed you and want to thank those of you who’ve hung on and continued to add great comments in my absence.  I have a pile of questions waiting for me and I’ll answer them one by one. 

           

I’m determined to keep this blog alive because, well, I love it.  I love that we are all trying together to be better parents, to love more purely and to connect more fully with our children.  That’s a big challenge, I know, and it takes all the encouragement we can get.   

             

My favorite aspect of parenting is the one I just mentioned—the forging of bonds.  As I’ve often told you, parenting for me reached a whole new level of fulfillment and excitement when I began to focus less on forced outcomes which required a rather heavy-handed approach.  The goal, instead, became the building of conscience and that happened for me as I changed my focus to loving and teaching—communicating my love while making sure that my expectations were clear and doable.

 

There are many, many methods of parenting out there.   That’s why I’m impressed that you’re still here!  This isn’t the easiest way.   Lasting results come slowly.  Grandparents raise their eyebrows.  Husbands resist.  But the thing that makes you persevere is success—small daily successes.   I want to hear about them.  I want you to be able to read one another’s success stories and be encouraged by them.  If you have a story, large or small in which a child has really responded to his/her conscience rather than force, tell us about it.  Tell us how it came about.   Send your success stories and we’ll post them here—with or without your name.  (askingjane at gmail dot com).

  

My plan is to write you a letter every Monday (we all need a little nudge forward on Mondays, right?)  and then to answer questions as I have time.  My reward will be your success stories!

I send all my love to you.  Remember Alma 36, “ by small and simple things are great things brought to pass”   I know there is nothing small or simple about your responsibilities.  But everything you are doing has meaning—every little act.   Remember that great analogy by Elder David Bednar about the little brush strokes.  They all add up to beauty--your little touches, moments of eye contact, stories read, cookies baked, laundry folded, legos picked up (again).  Your presence means security.  You are the sun—the center of their world   A lot of responsibility, I know—but a warm place to be.

Have a great week.  I’m glad to be with you again.

With Love,

Jane

Hopping Out Of Bed?

The Question:
Hi Jane-

I'm wondering how you deal with children repeatedly getting out of bed after they have been tucked in for the night.  After going through the entire bedtime routine, my 3 1/2 year old daughter often appears at the top of the stairs minutes later, claiming she can't sleep.  I understand an extra drink or trip to the bathroom before she settles down for the night, but really I think she just doesn't want to miss out on anything that might be going on while she's in bed.  Short of keeping up her up until the rest of the family is in bed or tiptoeing around the house until she's fallen asleep, how can I help her understand that bedtime is non-negotiable?  It discourages me that an otherwise wonderful day together can end on a sour note as we spend an extra hour convincing her that it really is time to go to bed.  I would much rather send her to bed with hugs and kisses than tired lectures on obedience, agency, and consequences.

Thank you for your ideas and willingness to share your life experiences with all of us.

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I really wish there were a simple answer to this question.  Have you heard this little song?

I love it because it confirms the universal nature of this problem.  Children hate going to bed.  I've always laughed at the irony of things--how I'd love to have someone lead me to a quiet room every day and order me to take a nap, how I'd enjoy being congratulated for eating everything on my plate--and even seconds!, how I'd jump at the chance to go to bed every night at a regular time--undisturbed til morning.  Just about the time human beings  make the shift to loving sleep, it becomes a vice instead of a virtue.  But that is the way of things.

There are people who are extremely structured about bedtimes, but I've always wondered how they did it.  Because young children have such varied schedules--some days they take a late nap, some days no nap, some days tired, some days not so much, bedtimes vary somewhat.  I just watched for the signs that my children were tired.  If they napped til four in the afternoon, they probably wouldn't go to be til I did.   On an ideal day, my little children would all take a nap or have a good rest right after lunch so they were ready for bed by 7:30 or 8:00, but like me, they didn't always stick to that schedule.  I wasn't one to put them in bed at 7:00 no matter what and then battle with them for 2 hours because they really weren't tired.  I just tried to read their cues. 

But I understand that many women like to have several hours of uninterrupted time with their husband at night.  We weren't like that so much.  We didn't mind having a child up if they were pleasant and not tired.  When they got tired, we put them to bed.  Around school age, we established a pretty firm bedtime that seemed natural.  Even now, we have scripture study at 8:30 and then bed.  Our children  fall into that routine easily at that age and our older teenagers choose their bedtime.

Good luck.  You're not alone in the bedtime battle.

Love,

Jane