We received a question regarding marriage recently and while we aren't including the question per request of the author, she had no problem with the answer being posted here. She is LDS (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), as are we, so some of the content refers to those things specific to our faith. We talked about editing it to make it more universal, but decided that the general messages are clear and that one wouldn't need to be LDS to apply the principles in her own way.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about you. In many ways, your question is beyond me. It's much easier to address questions about parenting. The parent/child relationship is actually very pure and simple. A marriage is complex with so many variables. I've decided to answer you, not as any kind of an expert, but as though you were my daughter.
"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."
I know this description doesn't usually apply to a marriage, but think about it. It contains all the conditions we really want--to be completely unified, to have all of our needs met and to gladly and joyfully meet our spouse's needs. I think that the key to achieving that goal is in that tiny phrase "and dwelt in righteousness". As we seek to keep the commandments together, magnify our church callings, pray and study the scriptures together, attend the temple, and give service together, we invite the spirit into our marriage. That spirit brings with it patience and a deepened love and regard. It overcomes a multitude of differences. I don't know where you both stand spiritually, but I can promise you this, that any efforts either one of you make together or individually will bring you closer as a couple.
Finally, I am all for getting professional help if you feel that you need it. Sometimes just a few sessions with a counselor can give you the skills you need to work together and communicate in ways that build rather than tear down.
Don't give up. Marriage is an amazing adventure really--a huge challenge, but you married this man because you loved him. I have pondered your situation for many hours and prayed for help in answering. It dawned on me how much, even though I don't really know you, I want your success. Imagine how much the Lord, who knows you perfectly, loves you completely, and has paid a price for you, wants you to succeed. Pray continually for his help.
All my love,