Feeling Overwhelmed?

The Question:

my question has to do with with feeling overwhelmed. i always wanted a big family, but i have 3 children now & often feel "how could i have more? i'm so overwhelmed." i try to stay simple, but it seems that no matter what "stuff" enters in. the worst part is that when i get overwhelmed i feel that i'm not the mother i should or want to be. i get impatient & do not cherish the beautiful time in my life that this is. i want more children, but i sometimes fear that i become less of a mom to each child with the more i have.

so i guess my question for you is how do i not get overwhelmed? there are so many things to take care of, to think of, to plan ahead for, etc. how do i stay peaceful amongst it all?

thank-you! thank-you! -courtney

The Answer:

One of the things that makes motherhood so overwhelming is that it never stops. It keeps coming at us day and night. We wake up to the same routines, sometimes having had only a few hours of sleep. Often, we heap on that-- financial worries, an argument with a husband, feelings of isolation or troubles with extended family. We may find ourselves feeling not just overwhelmed but disillusioned with the choice we’ve made and, worse, disappointed with ourselves because we aren’t better at it.


These feelings, when you give in to them, are actually the greatest threat to your success. I repeat, it’s those feelings that are the greatest threat—much more than your actual circumstances. They halt you in your tracks. You want and need to be propelled forward! Here are my suggestions.

Do something about it. Don’t you love the scene in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers where Millie turns the pig pen of a cabin into a real home and revolutionizes the table manners and brings civility to the chaos? In much the same way, you can step back from your overwhelming situation and ask, “What is it that’s getting me down?” Is it the clutter, the disobedience, the lack of support, my appearance, the dirty kitchen floor? List everything that’s bothering you and then change things. You are creating a little world here. You can improve relationships, plan a weekly night out, organize a play group, clear out clutter, rearrange the bedrooms, put flowers on the table.

Somewhere along the line, I made the discovery that what I didn’t do actually overwhelmed me more than what I did. Walking by that weed-filled flower bed twice a day was so much more overwhelming than just going out there and weeding it. It took 20 minutes. It felt good. I felt better. It usually led to sweeping the sidewalk and washing the front door. If your overwhelmed feeling revolves around lonliness, find a walking partner--just 20 minutes in the evening does wonders, start a book club or have an honest discussion with your husband that lays out concretely what you need and what might help. "I need to go out with you every week." "I'd like some time to myself for a couple of hours on Saturday afternoons." I've learned that most husbands aren't good at guessing but they're willing to support us when we're clear about our needs.

Here are a couple of practical habits I adopted at some point, that changed everything for me:

*Do something toward dinner in the morning. Just decide what you’re having and thaw the chicken or start the salad. There is nothing worse than 4:00, tired kids, husband coming home and no plans for dinner. You’ll feel better all day if dinner is in the works.


*Whenever possible, Don’t wake up to yesterday. When the kids are finally in bed, do a quick pick up of the house, make sure the kitchen table is empty, and start the dishwasher. I know….you’re too tired for that. But just do it anyway. You’ll get your second wind and it will feel good to do something that will not be undone while you’re doing it. You’ll be able to start the day fresh. Maybe your husband will help you and you can watch a movie afterwards (while you fall asleep.)

*If at all possible, get up a half an hour before the kids do. Have a good prayer, make your bed, get dressed, start breakfast. Just plan that you'll rest in the afternoon but there's no substitute for productive mornings.

I know what you’re thinking. That I’m one of those Chihuahua type women with boundless energy. Not so. I’m actually quite anemic and even sort of lazy. But I’ve learned that a little energy well-placed changes everything.

One final and perhaps the most important thought is this: Never lose the vision of what you’re really doing. It’s big. There are no shortcuts to the family you want. It’s going to take all you’ve got. But the whole process is a good one and the whole outcome is amazing. Keep before you, the vision of what you want your home to be today and what you want the final outcome to be. Then keep reaching for it. As the days go by, you'll have more and more satisfying moments. Home really can be a heaven on earth. Pray aways and be believing.

Love, Jane

And, by the way, three children was my hardest phase by far.