Husband Issues?

The Question:

So far I've only seen questions relating to kids, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to tackle one about husbands?

My problem is I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after my husband. He cooks and leaves a mess on the stove that I have to clean off. He leaves dishes all over the house. When he cooks, he also leaves wrappers on the counters. I try not to mind, because he's working full time and going to school, but at the same time, couldn't he at least rinse his plates? The other day I woke up and there was spaghetti sauce all over the stove. I mean, ALL over. when he woke up (he works graves) I asked him if he'd clean it up. He said, "I knew that would be the first thing you said to me today." (If you knew it was coming, why didn't you wipe it off?!) And then he never cleaned it.

I've talked with him about using paper plates, and he is SO opposed to them, but won't tell me why. I understand if you're eating a steak, you don't want to have to cut up your plate. But if you're microwaving a quesadilla, shouldn't it be worth it to eat off a paper plate so your wife doesn't have to scrape off the melted cheese?

Also, I feel like the only thing I regularly ask him to do is take out the garbage. It really is too heavy for me most of the time. Before I was married, I had a tiny garbage can that would fit under the sink, so it had to be taken out every day and never got heavy or stinky. As soon as we got married, he started campaigning for a bigger can, and I told him he could get it if he'd be the one taking out the trash. So I ask him VERY nicely, and he says he'll do it, then doesn't. And I'm not even asking him to make a special trip! I always say, "Baby, when you leave, would you take the trash out with you?" He says yes, then leaves without it. I remind him, and he says sure thing, then leaves again. This will go for several days before he gets frustrated with me asking and finally takes it out. I partly feel like I want to make a point and he SAID he'll take it out, so he SHOULD! But also, sometimes when I finally cave and do it myself, he says, "I said I'd take it out!"

So how do I talk to him about this without it turning into a big argument? I don't want to feel like a nag, but that's the only way to get things done. I feel so disrespected, and like he's taking advantage of me, even though I know that's not what it's about.

Please Help!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

It sounds like maybe you and your husband are at a stand-off.  You're in a pattern that builds resentment and separation.   If you really want to strengthen your marriage and feel loved and cared for by your husband, you have the ability to turn things around.  But you are going to have to stop keeping score, stop looking for evidence of his neglect and stop making requests and then waiting for him to fail you again.   You need to step back and look at what he is giving you--working full time and going to school so he can take good care of you.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I know.  I'm still back there in the age where a man's role was to provide and a woman's role was to create a warm loving home for him to return to every night--rather than a frown and a pile of chores.   I think you should do all you can to support him with this difficult schedule.   Make it your goal to be the woman he can't wait to see and hates to leave.   Make it so that he loves and appreciates you so much that he wants to take your garbage out.  I know, I know.  It's his garbage just as much as it is yours.  But men like to feel like they're doing something for you and that you love them for it--not like naughty little children that you have to keep in line.   Express appreciation continually for the sacrifices he's making for you.  Doing this will invite him to lower his defenses and begin to appreciate you in return.

Of course, this will only work if it is deeply sincere.  Make up your mind that you are going to serve him without resentment.   It only takes a few seconds to wash a plate.  Don't make a big show of it.  When you feel like complaining, give him a smile and a big hug and tell him it's the least you can do considering all that he does for you.  I can almost guarantee that as he feels this love and support from you, you will not have to take out the garbage.  He'll see you doing it and say, "Hey little lady, I'll get that for you."  And you'll say, "Thanks."  And he'll just think you're the best thing ever made.  Your marriage will flourish.

Pray each day to know how to better serve and care for your husband and you will receive ideas and a softening of heart.  The love you have for each other is right at the bedrock of your successful home.  It's worth any effort.

With love,

Jane

A Few Thoughts on Marriage

(Hello, it's me, Natalie. I'm never sure how to word introductions to posts because while the answers on this site are written by my mom (Jane), I am the one who formats and posts them. Often we discuss the answers before posting and then I make any changes we agree on. Sometimes it is necessary to write a brief introduction, and I am the one who does that. So, when I say "we", please understand that play no part in writing the answers.)

The Question:

We received a question regarding marriage recently and while we aren't including the question per request of the author, she had no problem with the answer being posted here. She is LDS (a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), as are we, so some of the content refers to those things specific to our faith. We talked about editing it to make it more universal, but decided that the general messages are clear and that one wouldn't need to be LDS to apply the principles in her own way.

The Answer:

I've spent a lot of time thinking about you. In many ways, your question is beyond me. It's much easier to address questions about parenting. The parent/child relationship is actually very pure and simple. A marriage is complex with so many variables. I've decided to answer you, not as any kind of an expert, but as though you were my daughter.

There is nothing more important in your life, than your marriage. It lays the foundation for everything else that will follow. To me, the ideal marriage is described in Moses 7:18

"And the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind, and dwelt in righteousness; and there was no poor among them."

I know this description doesn't usually apply to a marriage, but think about it. It contains all the conditions we really want--to be completely unified, to have all of our needs met and to gladly and joyfully meet our spouse's needs. I think that the key to achieving that goal is in that tiny phrase "and dwelt in righteousness". As we seek to keep the commandments together, magnify our church callings, pray and study the scriptures together, attend the temple, and give service together, we invite the spirit into our marriage. That spirit brings with it patience and a deepened love and regard. It overcomes a multitude of differences. I don't know where you both stand spiritually, but I can promise you this, that any efforts either one of you make together or individually will bring you closer as a couple.

On a more practical note, you can change the tone of your marriage immediately by changing the way you argue. No sarcasm. No accusing. No blaming. You might address this with your husband if the time seems right. Or you might just need to slowly turn the tide by eliminating this yourself. Simply express your needs. "Do you have time to help me for a few minutes?" If he refuses, try not to hold a grudge or blame. Serve and care for him. This gesture of love without manipulation will invite him to reciprocate. Maybe he is refusing to do the things you ask him to do because he doesn't want to feel like a child. Maybe he will find his own way to serve you. Maybe he'll completely miss the mark. But when you notice his small efforts and express your appreciation, he will like the feeling of making you happy. If he feels that he can't, he'll stop trying. Plan on being the more giving one for a while and don't keep score. Don't try to set him up to disappoint you by asking him to do the things that you have argued about before. It's tempting sometimes to gather negative evidence. You must start gathering positive evidence instead.

It is impossible to do what I'm asking you to do without the Lord's help. He wants your marriage to succeed. He will soften your heart, soften your husband's heart, bless you in unforeseen ways. He will recognize your efforts to "overcome the natural man" and help you to be a saint.

Finally, I am all for getting professional help if you feel that you need it. Sometimes just a few sessions with a counselor can give you the skills you need to work together and communicate in ways that build rather than tear down.

Don't give up. Marriage is an amazing adventure really--a huge challenge, but you married this man because you loved him. I have pondered your situation for many hours and prayed for help in answering. It dawned on me how much, even though I don't really know you, I want your success. Imagine how much the Lord, who knows you perfectly, loves you completely, and has paid a price for you, wants you to succeed. Pray continually for his help.

All my love,

Jane