Lap Wars During Reading Time?

The Question:

Jane,

I'm curious if you have any ideas for dealing the lap wars that ensue whenever I try and read a book these days.  My kids are 3.5 and 18 mo.  I've tried giving them each a turn (even changing who is sitting on my lap after each book), but the 18 mo. just cries and cries and tries to wiggle his way back on when it isn't his turn to sit on my lap, and of course, the 3.5 wants the attention too.  I really want reading to be a positive experience for both of them.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Brittany

The Answer: 

Dear Brittany,

I know I quote my mother far too often on this blog--but sometimes I can just hear her little chuckle when I read your questions and I can also hear her answer.  She used to say, "Is there anything better than holding your baby while another child is clamoring to get on?"

 It sounds like that "enjoyable" moment has lost some of its charm.  Here's what I'd do.   I would tell my oldest child that the younger one gets to sit on my lap because he is the baby.  "But I need you to sit right beside me and turn the pages...because you're the oldest ."    Then just stick to it.  They'll accept your routine if you are firm.  If it really turns into an all out war, say, "Oh dear, I guess we'll have to read later."  Just make a big deal about that older child's responsibility to turn the pages.  And keep them cuddled close and remember that the oldest one just wants to feel important to you.

Love,

Jane

What To Do About More Complex Problems?

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I guess I still don't get it.  I don't have a clear picture of what your discipline looks like.  I liked the example that you gave of your child coming home late, and thinking about how you would want to be treated if you were late- it makes sense, and I have been able to apply it to some situations at home with great success.  But, I get stuck when it gets more complex- like one kid saying something hurtful to another, or when the older kids aren't willing to allow the younger kids to play with them or share with them.  Or when someone back talks to me.  Then what?  Please help me to understand.  I want to do better.  I have so many questions- but this one is at the top of the list!  Thank you!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a blueprint or a manual that would cover every situation.  I remember longing for one of those myself!   But I haven’t found one and I couldn’t write one.  It’s your privilege to decide what the climate of your home will be and how to create it.  My suggestions are really just general principles to guide you in that process.  

Let’s look at one of your concerns:  When older kids aren’t willing to allow the younger kids to play with them.

You’ve identified that as a problem in your home.  You know that you could force the older kids to play with the younger ones—but that won’t work.  It will breed resentment and contention.  You could set up a reward system in which older children earn points for including younger ones.  That would solve the problem on a superficial level, but again, you would be policing and orchestrating the situation.  What you really want is for your children to care about each other on a deeper level--enough that they would feel bad leaving one another out.  Encouraging and building those feelings in our children is possible—but it isn’t done overnight and it demands deeper thought and prayer on your part.

Spend some time thinking and praying about the situation.  Actually, all the concerns you talked about fall into the category of love and respect in your home.  The climate in your home is bothering you and you want to change it.  Know that the Lord wants you to succeed and he will inspire you with ideas.  I’ve been amazed again and again at the inspiration that begins to flow into my mind when I humbly seek it—insights that I would not have had, solutions that were so much simpler than I thought.  The solutions fit my family, my personality, my situation.  Some examples of this type of revelation might be:

I see that I am part of the problem.  The way that I am speaking, acting or treating my children is not modeling the behavior I’m hoping to see in them.

I see that one of my children is needy—discouraged or overlooked and therefore crippled when it comes to giving of himself in the family.

I feel impressed to talk to my older children about my vision for our family and enlist their aid in accomplishing it.

I might really see the point of view of my older children and have the ability to sympathize with their position when it comes to younger siblings.    When they feel understood and accepted, they naturally become more generous.

I might feel inspired to temporarily set up that point system I discussed earlier, as a way of turning the tide and raising awareness.

The general principles that I use involve teaching and loving, instead of continual discipline for failure.  These principles are especially effective when it comes to teaching love in the home.  It’s ironic when children are spanked for hitting or sent to their room for isolating a sibling.  Creating a loving environment, encourages love.  You model kindness when you speak kindly.  You teach patience when you are patient.  Most teen-agers who are disrespectful, are often spoken to disrespectfully, forcefully, and in ways that belittle.

I have often told my children over the years that this is our home, our family.  We knew each other before we came here and we hoped we’d be friends.  We get to decide how we want it to be.  I think it’s very important to keep the larger picture in view for everyone to see, to shoot for the ideal.

And one last thought.  When it comes to love in the home, my greatest asset (besides the Lord) is my oldest child.  Enlist their aid.  Give them lots of special attention and help them feel the weight of their role in the success of your family.  They very often set the tone.  As our children have left one by one, the next child steps into that role and becomes a great strength to us as they mature personally.  I would start fostering that role and relationship early.

Going back to your original question, I don’t really think of this as a “method of discipline”.  I don’t really discipline or punish.  I expect and teach and do everything I can to create an environment that will bring about success.

With Love,

Jane

Lasting Unity Between Siblings?

The Question:

How have you fostered unity, love and respect between your kids? What can I do as a Mom to encourage this? Neither my husband nor I are close to our siblings and we both feel a void that we want to make sure our kids don't. Any insights would be so greatly appreciated! -Anonymous

The Answer:

I'm so impressed by your desire to change things in your own family--in terms of relationships among your children. You are really on the right track because you recognize that void and you have a strong desire to turn the tide in your own family.  Here are some of my thoughts:

It is important to understand that favoritism causes tension between your children.  As a mother, you have a responsibility to fully love and appreciate each one of your children. If you find yourself preferring one child above another...well, you just can't. This is a topic all its own, but just realize that if you favor children, your family will suffer. Do everything you can to know each child and appreciate their differences.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there are certain lines that children should never be allowed to cross in their relationships. No physical or verbal attacks of any kind. Simply do not allow them. Don't assume that this type of fighting is inevitable.

A steady stream of family prayer and scripture study invites a type of light into your home that encourages positive relationships.

As you and your husband speak to eachother and to your children with love and respect, you will set a positive emotional climate for your home.
I was mulling this question over on the way to a soccer game yesterday so I threw it out there for my children. "Why are you growing up to be such good friends?" I asked. Silence. "What are things we do that make you love each other?" I tried. Finally Seth said, "Well, I think it's when we work together and study and go places and do things together, we all start to think alike." I think that's true. We develop a family humor, family standards, a "family" way of viewing the world that bonds us.

Finally, think of that very profound line in the Family Proclamation that says, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Every so often, my husband and I choose a commandment and commit to "up" our observance of it. Whenever we do, we notice immediate rewards in our family--observing the Sabbath day, serving others, fasting.

Don't approach this problem with fear. Keep a clear vision of what you want and move forward with faith. With the Lord's help, you can create the family you want to have.

Siblings Who Get Along?

The Question:

It is very important to me that my boys are kind to each other. I want them to be friends for years to come and I want to get off to a good start. They have been fighting more lately and this concerns me. What things can I do now to instill in them a love for each other? What should I do and what should I avoid when helping them to resolve their arguments?

The Answer: A Peaceful Home

My sister Susan used to say that children (especially boys) reminded her of puppies—playing and romping one minute, then growling and fighting the next, then back to playing and romping. My other sister, Judy, instituted a program one summer in which she charged her children a small fee for her services in settling their disputes—one price for acting as referee, slightly more for judge and jury and the maximum to play the executioner. It was all in fun, but it was comforting to remember their efforts when I began raising my own children, who occasionally disagreed about things—ok, often.

And I’m sad to report that there is almost nothing that I’ve found to entirely eliminate contention. But here are a few suggestions.

1. Make sure children are rested and fed. (Remember how combative you are when you're low on either of these things.)

2. Establish a hard and fast rule that there will be absolutely no, under any circumstances, angry physical contact. No hitting, biting, scratching, kicking, pushing, etc. Respond quickly when any of these things occur—even before you know all that led up to it. Look straight into your child’s eyes and say, “We never hit. Never.” and remove them from the situation. I also draw the line at name-calling or words that belittle or demean. There is plenty of that in other places. Home should be safe. This teaches children a valuable lesson—that they may not agree, and there will always be conflicts, but these can be settled with a degree of civility and care for the feelings of the other person.

3. Compliment them often when they share, cooperate, help one another, say kind words and exercise self-control when conflicts arise. Comment on what good friends they are.

4. Set an example for them in the way you settle conflicts with your husband, friends and especially with them. Address the problem without attacking.

5. Don’t force children to share things that are theirs. Let them have complete ownership. “I’m sorry. That belongs to Peter. He doesn’t have to share it with anyone unless he wants to.” Nine times out of ten, they will share after a minute or two when the choice is truly theirs. If there is a community toy that is causing contention, I sometimes use a timer, but often, I take it away altogether. I just say, “This toy is ruining your friendship right now. Let’s put it away for a while. Being friends is the most important thing we can do.”

6. Teach them to serve one another, secretly or openly. Make a simple sticker chart and let them add a smiley face every time they do something for a sibling—get a diaper for the baby, help a toddler up, share a treat.

Try to establish a warm, generous, loving culture in your home. As your children mature, incidents of contention will nearly disappear, and they will emerge friends because you didn’t allow them to cross lines that might have left scars.