Children Who Help Keep Things Clean?

The Question:

Okay, Jane. 

You have dazzled me with your wisdom and parenting expertise so far, so I come to you with a conundrum of epic proportions.  Are you ready?  Here it is....
How do I get my children (9, 7, 6, 4) to pick up after themselves so that I don't continue living my life as the resident maid for the next 20 years?  It's not that I don't try to get them involved in cleaning--they do have chores to do, and normally do them well (when rewards are attached). BUT the fact that they can step over the same pile of junk 150 TIMES without batting an eye at it is starting to spin this relatively sane mother into a frustrated, overwhelmed ranter who loses it just a bit more often than she'd like to admit.

Suggestions?
Jonesy

The Answer:

Dear Jonesy,

 

Oh for a simple answer to this question.  I think it's a battle that never ends while children are in the house.  I discovered that I had a level--beneath which I could no longer function.  In other words, I had a level of chaos that I could accept.  But when we dipped below that level, things ground to a halt.  So I feel your pain and I'll share just a couple of ideas.

 

I established a morning routine with the goal that by 10:00 or so, our house was clean.  Like your family, everyone had jobs to do.  During the school year, those jobs were done before school.  The key to making this happen is you.  You have to be up and moving through the house keeping everyone on task.  Beds should be made, laundry sorted, rooms cleaned and other jobs done.  This daily "putting the house in order" shows children how to do it and what the finished product should look like.  If they get used to disarray--days of seeing everything in disorder--they will accept that environment. 

 

Maintaining a clean house is another matter.  It is a never-ending process to teach children to pick up after themselves.  You have to be very engaged while they are young teaching them to put away one activity before they begin another one--teaching them to clean up after themselves as they go.  It isn't natural for them.  I've noticed that some very fastidious mothers tend to have children with that same characteristic.  I don't think it's genetic.  I think it's learned.  The children simply learn that nothing can be left out ever.  As for me, I'm not great at it myself so I don't really expect it from m kids.  As I mentioned, I can live with a certain level of chaos for a few hours.  I can spread a school project all over the living room, cook in the kitchen and let the toddlers have a free for all for a while.  But I can't let things go like that all day or for days on end.  When the project is finished, I rally the troops and we all clean up the whole house.  We might do it a couple of times a day.  "OK, everybody stop.  We're going to clean the  house before lunch...before Dad gets home...just before bed."  By clean, I don't mean Saturday deep clean--just put everything in its place.  When my children were young, we'd often move from room to room cleaning together--me barking orders while the kids ran to put things away.  I used a timer or some other little gimmick.  Now we can each take a room or two and have the house picked up in about 10 minutes.

 

What doesn't work is this.  Mom watches tv or blogs or reads and keeps saying, "You kids get that room cleaned up...Isn't that room clean yet?...What's going on in there?"  Mom has to be engaged in the process to ensure quality control and to teach organization.  Mom establishes the level of order and continually enforces it.  She provides a place for everything.  She doesn't fill her children's lives with mountains of things to take care of.  She keeps it simple.  She limits the number of shirts and shoes and toys her children have to deal with so that their lives are manageable and then she helps them manage.

When my son Peter was about four, I set up a little table for him near the computer.  I put a small desk organizer on it with just the right number of art supplies and put a shoe box on it for his finished works of art.  He loved that simple little place and I was amazed how orderly he kept it.  I think it was because I thought it through and made it manageable for him.  We can take the time as moms to think through the trouble areas in our kids lives and pare them down to simple and manageable.  Then model the tidy behavior we're after.  They really will accept our level.

 

I hope these ideas have been helpful.  I know you've heard this a hundred times, but the day will come--sooner than you think--when the house will stay clean all day.  Everything will stay right in it's place.  It will be way too quiet.  And you'll enjoy that for about a week before you start missing the flurry of activity and life that is a family.  Enjoy it now.

 

All my love,

 

Jane