A Letter From Jane: 11-13 year old girls

The Question:

Will you write us about the 11-13 year old years when girls are becoming more socially aware, having problems with friends, developing their confidence..... I could get into our specific situation but thought it might be more helpful as a letter like you did with the babies. (Mine is an 11 year old, tom boy that is so little still and isn't accepted by the boys, can't stand the girls and their chatty, gossipy boy craziness, but wants a facebook and phone, and I want to keep her away from cyber bullies and the scary sexual world. So much for not getting into it........) 

The Answer:

Since most of our readers have very young children, I’d like to address this question from the ground up.  I believe there are many things we can do with and for our daughters while they are young, to prepare them for the pressure they’ll face when they reach their early teens.  Here are a few of my ideas. 

Live and teach modesty.  Buy them modest clothing when they are young.  Avoid sleeveless, bare tummies, super trendy or tight clothes.   Buy modest bathing suits and then have them wear a cover-up to and from the pool.  When they are young, you can actually shape their taste in clothes.    I used to love to look at magazines with my girls and point out how lovely the modest dresses were in contrast with the tacky, revealing ones.  By the time they were five or six, they really preferred the right kinds of clothes.

   

Keep them young.  I think that mothers sometimes encourage their daughters to grow up too fast.  We’re excited about make-up and school dances and boys that find our daughters attractive.  But all of those things will come in time (around 14-16) so hang on to childhood tenaciously.  If you’re lucky enough to have a little tom boy who still loves dogs more than boys and would rather ride bikes than go to the mall, enjoy it.  If your daughter has loved clothes and boys since she was two, do all you can to hold her back.  Set firm policies such as--no boy/girl parties or school dances until 14.

   

I'll admit right up front that I have pretty strong views about cell phones, facebook and i-pods.  I might be a little old-fashioned, but my children are the last ones on the block to have them.  Facebook can be fun when limited and monitored.  But it can encourage superficial relationships and expose children to too much too soon.  We don’t allow it until 14 and even then, for a limited time each day.  I-pods keep a constant stream of noise in our children’s lives—right during the years when they most need the still, small voice.  My children can have one when they’re 16 (if they still want it).  I’ve found that by then, they have the maturity to use it in moderation and to choose better music.  That applies to cell phones as well and no texting til they leave home.  I know—it’s extreme but I like my children to be with the people they’re with—not somewhere else.  And I like them to have real conversations.  Maybe these limits keep them out of the loop but that’s ok.  I’m not sure I like the loop! 

The world and all of its influences are going to pour in on our children.  We can’t prevent that.  But time and maturity are our best friends.  A sixteen year old is old and wise enough to handle so much more than a girl of eleven.  As parents, we really can regulate the social pace of our daughters’ lives by what we encourage and allow.

And let me add, that this is the point at which “parenting with love” begins to really pay off.  We’ve spent years building a strong, loving relationship and even though these years bring natural separation and independence, in many ways, they bring a new level of closeness.  Never argue.  Give lots of hugs.  Listen.  Be loving and accepting but hold the line.  Hopefully your daughter will love the commandments and standards as much as you do.

I had four daughters in a row.  They’re all grown up and are pure joy to me.  They’re my friends and companions.  And I have an eleven year old now who loves dogs.  She’ll notice boys pretty soon but I’m not in a hurry. 

May the Lord bless you in your efforts as you raise your daughters.  There isn’t a more rewarding work. 

With Love,

Jane