Two-Year-Old Bully?

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I have a friend, Sue, who has a 2 year old that is rather spoiled. Sue is a very sweet and soft spoken person. She sometimes lets people walk all over her because of how non-confrontational she is. This is the case with her daughter, Kate. Sue gives Kate WAY too many warnings- I am of the Super Nanny school of thought, where you give one warning, and then an immediate consequence. (I.E. "If you do that again, I'm going to put you in a time out" and then follow through!) I've seen Sue tell Kate to do something, and warn that if she doesn't listen, then she'll have to go straight down for her nap... Kate doesn't listen, Sue gives MORE chances, and then when Sue picks up Kate to put her in bed, Kate immediately says, "I'm sorry" and Sue gives her that extra chance. So Kate has learned that she doesn't have to listen to her mom until she starts to take action. This has taught Kate that she can get away with a lot, because most of the time, her mom has zero follow through.

Here's how it affects us. Kate pinched my baby repeatedly when we were in the car together a few months ago. My son was crying really hard, but I was driving and thought he just didn't want to be in his car seat. As we were getting Kate out of the car, she admitted that she pinched him, but I didn't realize how bad it was. When I saw my son's arm in the dim light of the car, I told Sue he really had red marks, and Sue didn't really say much to Kate. (It really bugged me that that was all that happened, but I am not Kate's mom, and I can't tell Sue how to parent.) Then I got home into the light, and I burst into tears. My baby's arm had many red welts that later bruised. It looked awful. I myself am rather non-confrontational, and I didn't know how to approach the situation with Sue, because the time to punish Kate had already come and gone. Looking back, I should have asked Sue to see what was wrong while we were driving, but I just had no idea at the time, and months later, I still feel awful for it.

So I said nothing more, and my husband and I vowed to just always keep an eye out for our baby when we are around Sue and her family. Which we do, but now the problem is, I am terrified of Kate, and don't really want to spend ANY time with Sue, who I was really close with before this happened. What Kate did to my baby really creeps me out, because she had no problem repeatedly hurting my crying baby for 30 minutes. I understand that 2 year olds sometimes will hit, scratch, bite, pinch, etc... if they are provoked (if a toy is taken, if they are upset and don't get their way...) but I have NEVER met a kid who is content to hurt a baby who is clearly crying out in pain for 30 minutes. I know that Kate has also really hurt another baby in the past as well. It scares me that Kate has such aggression toward babies, and since my baby now crawls, it is harder for me to protect him from Kate as easily.

What can we do?? We love our friends, but I fear that we might lose the friendship, because I really want nothing to do with Kate. I'm sure at some point she will grow out of this, but for now it terrifies me to be around her, because I almost think there is something wrong with her. My mom thinks Kate should be evaluated. I know this seems like an exaggeration, but her behavior reminds me a lot of Maculay Culkin's character in the movie The Good Son. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Son_(film) (There's the link if you're not familiar with it.) But basically, he is a twisted kid, who feels no remorse for his actions. (I.e. When Kate announced that she pinched my baby it was said very matter of factly. Like saying the sky is blue.)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. This incident happened months ago, and I have tried to just get over it, but I am having a really hard time doing it. Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Love,
Anonymous


The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

Your letter captures so well the protective feelings of a mother. I think we've all been there! I've always thought I'd rather be injured, ridiculed, offended or snubbed a hundred times over than to endure the misery of watching my children go through those things. It's our commission, after all, to keep each of them safe from harm.I have evolved as a mother in many ways--but on this very issue, I may have experienced the greatest evolution. Before I preach a sermon, I will say that I think your first instinct--to keep the friendship intact and be vigilant about your son--is right on the money.

I'm sad to report that the experience you described is going to repeat itself a hundred times and in a hundred different ways over the course of your life as a mother. You'll watch your children suffer injustices large and small. Someone will bite them in the nursery. There will be bullies. Your child will be the only one not invited. Friends will turn on them and break their hearts. The hard part is knowing when to step in and how. I will tell you something that comes from the benefit of years and years of experience. Looking back, you will always be glad when you did the generous, unselfish, forgiving thing--when you took the high road, when you were able to consider not just your child, but the injuring party as well. There are several reasons for this.

1. It's Christ-like. If there was one thing the Savior set an example of, it was forgiveness. And he expects that of us as well--70 times 7. If we can be patient and forgiving with people even in spite of that "mother tiger" instinct we have to protect our children, then we experience true growth as a person. Outrage is replaced with peace and confidence as we formulate a plan that emulates the Savior.

2. We teach our children the greatest lessons of their lives. Now I know that your little baby isn't watching your example. But very soon, he will be. He will learn in church and at your knee about patience and forgiveness, but nothing will compare to the lessons you will teach him when he comes to you with a real hurt. We have a funny family story. My brother, Scott, when he was young, came in and told my mother that some older boys had taken his toy guns. My mother was mad at those bullies and said, angrily, "You go out there and you tell them that if they don't give you your guns right now, your mother is going to come out there and... (you get the idea) So Scott started out the door, but returned after only a few moments. "How about if I say "Could I please have my guns back?" He soon returned with the guns. It isn't always that simple. But aren't we here on earth to learn to "bless them that curse you" "do good to them that despitefully use you"? Our children won't be any better at that than we are. Now is the time to develop patterns of kindness.

3. I love a quote by Emma McKay, "A true mother is a mother to all children everywhere." I admit honestly that I have failed to be motherly to all children everywhere, but that quote reminds me to try. You might be able to play a positive role in Kate's life by working with her patiently and trying to connect with her. She's really just an irrational 2-year-old who may not be as malicious as you think. Your friend is probably frustrated and would appreciate your help and support. Try not to judge her. Just be a good friend.

I realize this answer is much more long-range than you bargained for. And it certainly flies in the face of our present "look out for number one" culture. You may fear raising a family of "door-mats" if you take my advice. But you won't. Your children will be more tender and outwardly focused. They will learn to resolve differences more intelligently. And this stance is consistent with the loving approach that you are using to teach them everything else in life.

Of course, being forgiving does not necessitate fostering toxic, damaging relationships. As our children grow older, we can help them to surround themselves with good, uplifting people as their closest friends while treating others with kindness and respect.

With love,
Jane