Frustrating Preschooler?

The Question:

Hello Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog by pure inspiration, truly! I have been reading it for the last 45 minutes and I already feel like I have learned a lot! Thank you! I do have a question though that I still feel unanswered after reading the section about disciplining with love. I am a "newer" mom. My oldest daughter is 3 1/2 and I also have a 1 1/2 year old son. Lately my daughter has been acting much like the woman who posted about her 7 year old (post title "Fostering Obedience"). I like what you answered but I still wonder how can I do unto someone as I would want done myself when they are 3 and don't comprehend what I am trying to teach? Where is the line where I stop cleaning her room for her because time after time, she lets me do it without helping and unless there is a fight, and doesn't seem to learn or appreciate what I am doing?

Here is an example, today she wanted some juice. I clearly told her, you may have 1 cup of juice, and if you are still thirsty you may have water after that. After she drinks her juice, she asks for more juice. She knows I will say no, but asks regardless. I tell her to, and offer her water. To no avail, she started crying. I got down on her level and explained what I told her already and to please make a good choice and just say "ok mommy." Instead, she just repeats "But I just want one more cup of juice! I dont want water!" she cried and cried so hard that she got to the point where she gets beyond any point where I can even reason with her, and I end up having to just send her to her room until she is done crying. Most of the time she just cries herself to sleep, repeating over and over "But I just wanted more juice!"

I believe in being firm and consistent, which is why I don't tolerate this behavior, but I feel like she just isn't learning. I always go in after and tell her I love her and ask if she understands why she was in her room, and we talk about it. I rarely raise my voice, and she still acts out like this. Lots of times, the fight will start all over again, because she won't agree or say she understands and just pleads her case again that she just wanted more juice!, and by the way, this is a new thing, which is why I am so beside myself on what to do. This week has been awful, and she has cried for hours each day over little things that we are usually able to work through together. Usually, she is a good listener and doesn't throw tantrums, etc.

So, back to the golden rule. As a 3 year old, how do I teach her how I would want to be treated when we are at such different levels of life understanding? Where is the line of loving or being a pushover and giving them whatever they want? Whatever I am doing, it does not seem to be working, as every day this week has been crying tantrums, and time outs, toys taken away, all after lovingly giving her chance after chance to make a better choice? Help with a 3 year old mind please!!!

Leslie


The Answer: Relax and Enjoy

Dear Leslie,

I appreciated your letter. Your daughter sounds like a very strong-willed and determined child. That type of determination can really blossom into greatness later on. I've raised a wide assortment of personality types and I have the wonderful advantage of having seen how the determined three year old turns out. They are a challenge to raise, but they know how to get things done!

Try hard to avoid all-out power struggles. They are destructive to your relationship and no one really wins. The word "avoid" is at the heart of the issue. Some parents almost welcome the power struggle and bring it on as a way of establishing their authority. They view parenting kind of like breaking a horse--"Once they know who's boss, they'll submit." Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I believe children who are forced to submit, store up anger and often in their teen-age years it comes out in the form of rebellion. On the other hand, you don't tiptoe around your children trying not to rock the boat. You carefully choose the areas where you must put your foot down and then do it clearly. It sounds like you’ve been a very clear and consistent parent. But what happens when, even though a power struggle is the last thing you want, things always seems to escalate that way? I have some thoughts.

As you know, I've raised (and am still raising) a big family. I sometimes think the thing that made it easier, is that I didn't have the luxury of micro-managing my children. Their life was fairly loose. I don't remember even caring how much juice they drank. They were around five before I expected them to clean a whole room. They liked doing jobs because I didn't demand much. Later, as their attention span lengthened and their maturity increased, it was easy to teach them. Most of my interaction with them in the early years was positive and I made relatively few demands. Because there wasn't much to "push back" against, there weren't many tantrums. When there were, it was usually because they were tired or hungry or just "needy" for my attention.

I read once about an Amish community where parents just enjoy their little children and let them play outside and give them few responsibilities until they are school-age. Then they teach them chores and expect them to contribute. I like that. It gives me permission to do what I want to do--enjoy my children. I especially love 3-year-olds. I love to listen to the ingenious way that they put words together. It's so fun to teach them new things. I love how they light up. Just relax and know that her life will be loaded with 75 years of worry and responsibility, and so for the first three or four, you can let her thrive in an environment of love and acceptance. Just lower your expectations a little bit and know that maturity will solve a myriad of problems.

Let me share a personal example that illustrates my philosophy. Several years ago, my then 3-year-old daughter Marielle and I were invited to participate in a play group. We rotated houses. The host mom would provide a snack and the children were allowed to play—largely unbothered by us-- while the moms talked. I loved this play group! Marielle loved it too. No one even talked about rules. We solved the occasional conflict—but, overall, things were pleasant and nurturing (for both or us!) We loved Wednesday mornings. So I was excited a few years later when my little son Peter and I were invited to participate in another play group. This one turned out to be very different. There were craft projects, snack time, learning time and rules aplenty. Soon Peter decided it wasn’t for him. He didn’t misbehave there. But it seemed stressful for all the moms—worrying about their children’s performance and behavior every minute. It was an entirely different experience. No joy for either of us.

Peter’s in second grade and a great student who never struggles with structure. He likes it now.

In a broader sense, this describes my philosophy about early childhood. The focus is not so much on rules and structure as on gentle teaching, nurturing and enjoying. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of preschool—but that topic is for another day.

I can tell that you’re an excellent mom. I give you permission to just be mediocre (just kidding). But just slow down and enjoy her. Your days together are numbered.

All my love,
Jane