Asking Jane

Letters From Jane: Feeling Joy

2011-05-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

My school year is wrapping up and it’s time to turn my attention to something I really love—all this talk about motherhood. I welcome your questions—though I hope you realize that you are wiser than you know and that if you were on a desert island with no internet and no access to any resources, you could find every answer you need. The beauty of the blog, though, is the feeling that you aren’t on an island and that you’re connected to mothers who believe as you do and share your dedication to this work of all works.

We’ve all heard about gratitude journals. The idea is that at the end of the day, when everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, we’re supposed to pause for a few minutes and recall and then list the things that we’re thankful for. It’s a good idea because it gets us looking throughout the day for the little things we’re glad we have. But what if instead of waiting until bedtime, we learned to stop right in the middle of what we’re doing and let joy distill--just let ourselves feel the full pleasure of a moment before moving on to the next one. I think we’re most likely to feel a little surge of joy when we get all of our senses involved—we touch and smell and listen and let it sink in. We see the rain on the window or the wind in the trees outside and we cuddle our baby and smell his hair and squeeze his round little leg and hear his breathing.

And then the secret to pushing that moment of pleasure all the way to joy is to consider that all of this is a gift from a Heavenly Father who loves us and offers us all that he has—not just at the end, but every moment. What if we actually tried to capture, say, ten of those moments every day—what if we didn’t wait for the spectacular—we just paused in the mundane to really see.

I confess that I have little tricks I do to create moments that I love. For example, I like to make cookies and then race to have the kitchen perfectly clean before they come out of the oven. Then I like to sit down with my children in my nice clean kitchen and drink cold milk from mugs with our warm cookies. It’s so prosaic and corny—motherhood….warm cookies and milk—but I love it. I love it every time.

And another one. I love to clean my room—I mean dust and vacuum and polish the mirror and put everything away and then lay there in that nice clean room and read—by myself if it works out, or with my children.

Both of these examples have involved creating order, almost as a prerequisite to joy. And I think you know what I mean when I say that order helps. But if we wait for order or a big bank account or perfect harmony, we’re going to miss out on a lot of joyful moments.

I’ve actually let myself feel joy when everyone is crying at once and there are toys everywhere and the TV is blaring. It’s just so chaotic that it’s really funny. And I love the feeling that I can regain control. I have the power to make everyone in this room happy—one by one –and to turn off the TV and put on some music and rally the troops in a new direction.

One of my best no-fail methods of feeling joy is to shift the focus to an eternal perspective. Sometimes when I’m just talking to one of my children, I’ll let myself see us—sitting here talking on the earth in this tiny moment of eternity. He will only be a fifteen year old boy this one time in the whole scheme of things. And who knows what things will be like when we leave this earth. Will we ever sit in a bedroom with soccer cleats and backpacks and discuss the challenges of life together—his voice cracking every now and then? I doubt it. This is the only now we have. I value it—and him and I feel joy.

I believe the ability to feel joy is a talent that, if practiced becomes natural and just like with any talent, some people seem born with it. If you’re fortunate enough to be one of those, then just carry on. But if you aren’t, stay with it. Your eyes will open more and more. And don’t forget to share your joys with your children. That way, they’ll learn to see them to.

Have an especially good day.

Love,

Jane

How do I improve my relationship with my 2-year-old?

2011-04-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog and started reading some various posts. I want to ask you and tell you a little bit about my 2 year old daughter and our relationship. She is beautiful. She isbdetermined, strong willed, defiant, dominant and oh so tiny. Any one that comes in contact with Lucy knows she's there. I love her; she is now my middle child. I have a 6 year old son and 4 1/2 month old son. My daughter Lucy is still not speaking and is easily frustrated with me. If she does not get what she wants immediately she screams at me unceasingly. Her and I seem to be continually battling with no winner. I don't yell, spank or say mean things to her, but I have noticed myself pull away from her needs and sometimes I feel it is simply easier to just ignore her adamant, demanding ways. Our relationship is very strained and it worries me. She is somehow different, happier easier to get along with around everyone close to her, her dad, grandma, aunt, etc.

I try to reason with her, set limits, but everything is a fight. We fight when I do her hair, change her diaper, dress her, try to make her meals. She demands so much attention it is taking away from her siblings. She loves her baby brother constantly wants to hold, and cuddle him, but her and her older brother are constantly fighting and she is always destroying anything he is playing with. He never wants to play with her or have her around. By evening I am so drained from the fighting and her constant screaming I want nothing to do with her, but of course she insists I put her to bed. I want our relationship to be better and for her to love me and I want to nurture her in the ways she needs. Even as a baby she wanted to be left alone. She wouldn't sleep in my bed even though I tried she wanted to be in a cradle by herself beside my bed. She didn't want heldand cuddled but instead would love to be left on her stomach on a blanket on the floor until she fell asleep. I nursed her until just weeks before her brother was born and have always tried to remain attached. She has such a strong spirit and I know she is sent from my Father in Heaven I just wish I knew what I needed to do to be the mother she needs me to be.

Thank You,

Lyndsay

The Answer:
Dear Lyndsay,

Thank you for your letter. You’ve done a good job of describing the frustration of a challenging child. In my experience of raising a large family, I acknowledge that some children seem “easier” than others. Our challenge as mothers is to resist the temptation to compare and to develop a strong bond and relationship with each one, independent of the rest. It’s human nature, I think, for our hearts to gravitate toward the pleasant well-behaved child and to emotionally distance ourselves from the more challenging one. We do this in a number of ways.

I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but I had an interesting conversation with a group of friends one day. One of them confessed that she had a “favorite” child. She told us who it was and listed the many reasons that this child had won her heart over the others (they had common interests, the child was grateful, made her proud in public, generous, happy, etc). The others in the group acknowledged that they too had favorite children. Then the conversation turned to the child they “didn’t really like”. Everyone laughed—knowing that “didn’t really like” was a strong phrase and that of course, they loved all of their children. But there was one, they all agreed, who was hard almost from the beginning and that it had never changed. They listed their grievances with “the difficult child” and they certainly seemed justified in their position.

You haven’t made such a claim about Lucy, but it’s easy to see that things might head in that direction. I would caution you and all mothers against establishing such labels—even in your own mind. It’s easy to build a case against a child, to go back and support your case with historical evidence, to continue gathering evidence daily. We do this because, in a way, it absolves us of personal responsibility. “This is just a hard child and has been from the start”. But such thought processes are unproductive and destructive. Very soon, a child senses that he is not like the others in our eyes and continues behaviors that divide and separate. When we recognize that a breech like this is beginning to form, we do everything in our power to repair it and bring a child into the secure circle of our approval and love.

I realize that this is just exactly what you are asking me how to do. The reason that I went into some detail about the mental attitudes of mothers, is that if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll recognize that this is where the breech starts and that this is where the repair must begin.

There are two infallible ways of changing a heart. The first is prayer. Pray all through the day that you can be filled with love and understanding for your child and that she can feel it. Pray for ideas and thoughts and then act on every positive impulse. You mentioned in your letter that she seems to do better with others than with you. That’s good news in a way because it shows that she can control her behavior (admirable for a two year old) and that you can focus on your relationship. That brings me to my second point. Do all the tried and true things that strengthen any relationship. Invest unhurried time. Play with her and let her lead the play. Make lots of eye contact and when you look at her, think, “I love you.”

As a grandmother of grandchildren that live far away, I usually have only a few days to win over my two-year-old grandchildren. They don’t really want me to cuddle and hold them until we’ve spent some quality time together. I have a big fuzzy bean bag that we toss back and forth for as long as they want. There’s lots of smiles and eye contact. Then we read books (more close contact). We play hide and seek. Soon we have a nice little bond going.

You are her primary relationship. Much of your time is spent, of necessity, coercing her to do things that she doesn’t really want to do. This strains your relationship so you have to counterbalance all that coercion with praise, approval, smiles, hugs and meaningful comfortable time together. My experience has been that when my children feel really loved by me and when our relationship is solid, they begin to want to please me. And when I see them doing any little thing—making even the tiniest effort to comply or obey, I stop everything and look into their eyes and compliment them and thank them and hug them. The tide begins to turn.

Finally, recognize that this is the child that is going to teach you all the attributes of godliness—patience, long-suffering, gentleness, charity. This is the child that is going to force you to seek help—to search ponder and pray. You’ve been wanting to put more of that into your life, right? Now you have a purpose! This is the child that is going to refine and change you. This is the child that is going to grow up and remember the many ways that you loved her.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts.

Love,
Jane

Letters From Jane: Preparing Your Children For this World

2011-03-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I know I’ve dropped off the planet. As many of you know, I’m in school right now—finishing the degree I started 30 years ago. I haven’t been able to decide what to do about this blog. One great highlight of my life is checking in and reading your comments and feeling connected to you—especially when I hear about your successes in using a loving approach to parenting.

And being in school, really experiencing the attitudes and trends of the world, I feel more dedicated than ever to supporting your work right now—your work as mothers of small children. The basic values that form the foundation of my life—a knowledge of the reality of God and of his son Jesus Christ, the family—a mother, a father and children, a clear line between right and wrong—all these things are being systematically altered and blurred into unimportance.

These days you have now with your children are not only precious but more important than they’ve ever been. They are your chance to establish faith. Weekly family home evenings and attending church are so good but not enough. Talk of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can be woven into all of their days—expressions of gratitude, prayers over simple problems, repentance, stories from the scriptures, parables and commandments. There will come a day in their lives when doubt will be cast upon all the things you’re teaching them—about the rightness and wrongness of things, the origin and meaning of life and the reality of God. You are preparing them now while they are so believing and full of faith, for that day.

I know that the academic, secular environment of a non-religious college campus is extreme and it’s been jarring to my sheltered spirit. But because I came into it with deep faith in some things, that faith has been strengthened by the experience. Maybe it’s the contrast—light in darkness or clear truth vs. subjective fuzziness, but my faith has held up. And it gives me hope that all of our children can meet the world in this way.

I think we’ve all grown up hearing about how we’re a chosen generation reserved for these times. But of this upcoming generation—the ones playing at your feet right now—I believe it’s true. Their world is something altogether different than mine was—or even yours. It swirls with technology and ideas and global connectedness. Isn’t it interesting that the ancient truths of the scriptures are still the key to their gaining wisdom and understanding? The same gospel that made an anchor to the soul of Daniel and Nephi and Paul and the stripling warriors is available to your children in its fullness. It’s your mission to infuse and transmit those truths into the “fleshy tables of the heart” each day.

Don’t do it with fear but with faith. As the forces for good and evil line up, you are on the winning side. The powerful eternal truths of God told in your simple words and with your familiar voice are all that is needed. In all of your doings every day, do this.

I can’t make promises about how often or well I will be able to maintain this blog, but I’m staying with it because I just think I need the support right now—the support of powerful mothers in a shaky world.

All my love,
Jane

If you’d like to read more on this topic, check out this article.

How to Train Your Dragon

2010-12-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

Wouldn’t that be a great alternative name for this blog? “How to Train Your Dragon—The Loving Approach to Discipline.”

If you haven’t seen the movie yet, go get it. It’s a lesson in parenting!

Here were these difficult, impossible dragons—each with its own gifts and challenges. But the single perfect way to train each of them was not by coercion or manipulation or brutality. It was just all about learning to read them and appreciate them and give them the simple things they needed. It was all about mercy and gentleness. As soon as those dragons felt perfectly safe, they were tame. And they were bonded and devoted. They became assets instead of liabilities.

I loved that moment of truth—when Hiccup came to slay the dragon and then he looked in his eye and felt that connection. Instead of feelings of power and domination, he felt empathy. He recognized that the dragon felt just like he did. He dropped his sword and treated him as he would like to be treated. That was the turning point. Only then could he slowly, over many days, win his love.

And wasn’t it interesting how he started out relying on the tried and true dragon book for all his information. But he wasn’t successful until he threw it away and trusted his instincts.

And I loved how he stood alone—going against the culture of the day, caring more about the relationship he had formed than about what outsiders thought of him.

But gradually, as people began to see this new higher way, they became believers.

Now I realize it was fiction---but it contained a lot of truth.

So just keep it on hand and pull it out at the end of a long day and remember what kind of parent you really want to be—what kind of relationships you really want to have with your children.

Are you willing to eat a few raw fish if that’s what it takes to connect?

Have a great day with your own little dragons.

Love,

Jane

And another thing….that awesome dragon that he tamed was “The Night Fury”. Think about that when you’re walking the floor with a teething baby at two am.

Discouraged By What I'm Not Doing?

2010-11-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am in my ward’s Primary presidency and I have three very active young children ages five, three, and a new baby. My husband works very long hours (usually more than 12 a day) and travels. I am grateful to be able to stay home with our kids and recognize the blessing it is, but by the end of the day I’m exhausted, frustrated, and go to bed knowing that I’m going to have to do it all over again tomorrow. I know my situation is far from unique and that women all over the world do exactly what I’m doing everyday—probably with much more patience. But since I constantly feel emotionally and physically drained I feel like I have no energy for my Primary calling. I live in a very young ward with a large Primary so everyone serving in callings also has young children. I want to be dedicated and to care about the children in our ward and to feel a deep concern for their well-being, but most days I don’t even feel like I can offer my all to my own children let alone everyone else’s children. I’m not going to ask for a release from my calling and I feel happy when I’m in Primary, but the rest of the week I rarely think about the children in my ward and things I can do to help them and I feel bad for not wanting to care/feeling like I can care. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,
The Ornery Primary Lady

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

Actually, I would say that your situation is pretty unique--your husband working twelve hour days and travelling besides? A new baby and two other little ones? No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. In response to your letter, I'd like to share a little lesson that I recently learned from my daughter, Natalie. It has really helped me and maybe it can be a lesson for all of us. Natalie has four little boys and another on the way. The oldest is five. About a month ago, I was really worried about her. She seemed completely buried--tired and discouraged. I don't live close to her and because I am finishing my degree right now, I wasn't even available by phone. Our hurried conversations always left me feeling helpless. I offered many prayers for her throughout my days at school. Then one day, she shared a new insight she had gained. It was so profound. She realized that it was humanly impossible to do all that was required of her in a day, perfectly. She was just one person--one tired, pregnant person. So she stopped and thought about what mattered most to her...what gave her the most satisfaction at the end of the day, and what disappointed her the most if left undone. She realized that what really mattered the most to her were her relationships--with the Lord, with her husband and with her children, She decided that those relationships would come first for her. She began to make sure that she made time for scripture study. She has always studied but now it became a top priority. She became more attuned to each of her children. If the laundry sat undone it was ok. It things weren't perfect, they weren't. At the end of the day, she measured her success by these relationships. She was surprised to find that by putting those things first, the other tasks usually fell into place as well. But inwardly, she felt a new peace.

All of that said, I want to encourage you not to give up on your church calling. I've known a lot of people who let their callings go in the name of "family comes first" and usually, they don't experience the relief they hoped for. Over the years, I've accepted callings and I see them as an opportunity to use my talents in serving the Lord. As a result, my capacities have increased and many of my talents have been developed in ways that are surprising. For example, I've learned to organize people, plan and carry out activities, assess needs and meet them. I've grown musically and learned teaching skills. I've learned a great deal about child development. Long before I had teen-agers, I had the opportunity to work with them and understand their challenges. It played a part in how I taught my little children when I got home--what I chose to emphasize to prepare them for those years. I came to understand that magnifying my callings in the church, not only brought blessings to our family, but expanded me personally.

Of course, there is another great benefit. As our children watch us give our all to the Lord, they learn that he is important--they learn to be magnifiers themselves. I certainly got that message from my mother. I'll never forget her years as a Stake MIA president. Back then, it was a tremendously demanding calling. I must have been about 6 or 7 when we spent an entire Saturday decorating the church for a "Centennial Ball." We transformed a room into an ice cream parlor, we hung chandeliers (that we had constructed from coat hangers, twinkle lights and spray paint) all over the gym--and more. It was so elaborate. But I learned that we give our best to the church. It's the Lord's kingdom on earth. I can tell you honestly, that my service in the church has never taken away from my family. When I start feeling like I don't like a calling, I sit down and list all the things I could be doing to magnify it and then I just start doing them little by little. Before I know it, I love my calling. And almost every one of my closest friendships have been formed as I've worked along side people in the church. It's the way our hearts are knit together. Those connections, with your presidency, teachers and especially the children can bring joy and meaning to your life as you make this sacrifice.

I hope this reply doesn't seem insensitive. I really do know that your life is very demanding. But remember that the Lord thinks you can do this even with a full plate. Maybe he wants to stretch you. I'm grateful that he has steadily believed in me through the years, challenged me and accepted my efforts. May he bless you.

With love,
Jane

A Letter From Jane: A House Of Order

2010-11-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

I know that when you read the title of this letter, you’ll be hoping for cleaning tips or organization methods. I do have some of those. But I want to say a word today about something more basic. And I’d like to start out by issuing you a challenge. This challenge is going to sound impossible. So you know I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important and if I didn’t know how much it would bless your life. Here it is. I want you to begin every day with 15 minutes or more of scripture study, followed by a really good prayer. I’m not sure how you’re going to do it…how you’ll need to juggle, but I want you to commit to try.

And it really matters that you do it before everything else. Here’s why.

It clearly tells the Lord that he comes first with you—that everything else in your life is built upon this relationship. You know that wonderful scripture in Ether (5:12) …it is upon the rock of your Redeemer that you must build your foundation… Picture that your days are like structures that you are building. When you place the Lord first, he becomes the foundation of your work. Like paying tithing first, there is power in everything else that follows and confidence that your efforts will be magnified, blessed and that the windows of heaven will be opened. When we launch into our day without that help, we are flying alone. Our Heavenly Father becomes an afterthought…even an obligation.
You will experience an increase of peace. I love this quote by Merrill Bateman: “As faith grows, our vision of eternity expands, which increases our capacity to meet life’s challenges.” There is no more challenging life than yours. You need wisdom. You need ideas and plans and blueprints to go on as you raise these little children. Why wouldn’t we enlist the Lord’s help and depend on his direction? There is no more satisfying experience than to receive a flash of inspiration about one of your children—knowing that it came from outside of yourself. It’s usually something so simple but when implemented it turns the tide. It’s always loving. And peace comes because you recognize that you are not alone. You remember that you are not the only parent here. You are really just an instrument. As I’ve mentioned before, these flashes of light do not usually come during the prayer or even during the scripture study, but later in the day.
It is the way to truly teach your children the gospel of Jesus Christ. It becomes written in the “fleshy tablets of your heart.” You teach them from your own experience. When you tell them of the reality of God, they know that you know. Otherwise, it’s only words. The accumulated days of study and prayer, produce in you, core strength. There is no substitute for that. There is no shortcut. Our world is darkening. In the past few weeks, I have watched some of my most precious friends struggle with their faith, lose their testimony and let go. We’re going to see this more and more as we move into these final days. Our children need more than visual aids. They need to know because their mothers taught them.

There are other reasons. But unless you really commit to this and create this pattern in your life, you will not experience the blessings. Give place for this expansion to happen. It will give perspective and often solutions to every single problem in your life. I know this from my own experience. I’ll end with my current favorite scripture. I read it in Gospel Doctrine class this past Sunday and I loved it.

“Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her tent shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.” Jeremiah 17: 7-8

All my love,
Jane

Discussing Sexuality With Children?

2010-10-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi there,

I just have to ask, how and when do you discuss sexuality with children? What do you include, or leave out? I have a seven year old, and was surprised to learn that many of her friends have already had the talk from their parents. My daughter hasn't expressed any curiosity about where babies come from, or how our bodies change, etc. Help!

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

I'll confess that I made a lot of mistakes in this area. I grew up in the most "Victorian" of homes and the topic of sex was never discussed. Never. So I sort of had the idea that since I managed to figure things out, it wasn't absolutely necessary to go into much detail with my children.

As a matter of fact, just a moment ago, while I was typing this response, my daughter, Marlee, who is at BYU, sent an instant message and we had the following conversation:

marlee: MOM

me: Marlee! hello.

marlee: are you at school?

me: yes

marlee: me too!

me: I'm answering an Asking Jane letter about when to talk to your children about sex. Not exactly my strong point.

marlee: haha. Just say: "Don't tell them. That's what I did."

There you have it--a little glimpse into one of my weak spots. So I'm going to answer this question based on what I know now and what I would do now if I had it to do over again.

What I did:
I expected my husband to talk with the boys, while I handled the topic (haphazardly) with the girls.

What I should have done:
As a mother, I would talk with each of my children--boys and girls--and make sure that this topic was safe and comfortable in our home.

What I did:
I waited until they asked before I talked to them.

What I should have done:
At around 10-12 (depending on the child), I would initiate this conversation if it hadn't come up yet. I know there is disagreement about when. A lot of people think 8 is ideal but I think it might be a little hard for my 8-year-olds to swallow.

What I did:
I assumed that once I'd talked to most of them, the word would filter down through the ranks. So some slipped through the cracks.

What I should have done:
I should never have treated this vital topic carelessly. I should have seen that each of my children was taught individually.

What I did right!
I really taught modesty at an early age and a high regard for the body. I didn't allow crudeness.

When I did sit down and talk to my daughters, I taught them in the context of our Heavenly Father's plan for us. I used the Proclamation on the Family as a guide. This conversation was really powerful because it became clear that Satan had an arsenal of ammunition and our discussion led to the many ways he uses it. This topic really does invite the spirit because it is at the core of our creation and purpose. Since I had often taught my children the plan of salvation, and they had an understanding of why they were here on the earth, they easily accepted this new information.

This is a wicked world and Satan has hit new lows in his distortion and display of sex. It's not okay to approach this responsibility in the careless way that I did. We must give a clear and timely understanding to our children. I hope that you can learn from my mistakes.

With love,
Jane

One-Year-Old Screamer?

2010-10-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I am absolutely impressed with your blog. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge with people like me who are new moms.

So my question is this: My 1 year old has become a screamer. He screams to communicate and it is so embarrassing. I spend church time, in secluded rooms, and find myself giving in to just about anything to make him stop. It is a blood curdling scream, not just a little one. My 2 1/2 year old never did this, so it is throwing me for a loop. I feel like I have tried everything and exhausted every resource. I AM EXHAUSTED. It is flustering, and I can't seem, despite my best efforts, to get him to communicate in other ways. Please help me if you know how. He is only 1 as of Sept 4th, so I am not sure what to do.

My husband and I just moved from a home to an apartment so that he could go back to school. The neighbors can hear EVERY minute of my son's screaming . What do I do?

Lisanne

The Answer:

I am so sorry. I remember returning to school with three little children and how I worried about the neighbors. It was a lot of pressure. And screaming is so unnerving.

But you realize, of course, that this is a temporary phase. And it's good that you recognize that your little man is just trying to communicate. The key is to downplay it. If he sees you responding, he will think it's a game. If you run over and grab him every time or look alarmed or, worst of all, give him what he wants, he'll have no reason to stop. I would just try to downplay it and continue teaching him to say words. Meet his needs in every way--make sure he's getting plenty of sleep and keep him fed. Give him lots of love. If he screams, walk away. When he doesn't, pour it on.

That is to say, give him lots of positive attention when he isn't screaming and not much at all when he is. If you have to remove him (because you're in church or some other public place) just don't make a big deal about the screaming. Don't tense up and cover his mouth. Calmly take him out and wait for him to stop. Then make eye contact and smile and talk to him. When he screams, be unresponsive. I would also explain your dilemma to your neighbors and let them know that you're working with him. Chances are, they aren't hearing anything. Don't be exhausted by this. Just ride it out and try to keep it low key. At this age, your son is just trying out all of his new skills. When he finds the ones that bring rewards, he'll gradually leave the others behind. Children at this age are very perceptive. He's going to stop when he realizes that screaming gets him nothing.

This is a challenge but you can do it.

All my love,

Jane

Borderline ADHD?

2010-10-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I have a questions about ADHD. My 6 year old son, who has been diagnosed with "borderline ADHD" ( he doesn't meet all the criteria for full-blown ADHD) has been a great challenge for me and my husband. He doesn't handle transitions well, is very rigid at times, and is beginning to show anger and defiance toward us when we tell him what to do. The doctor said his brain is "wired" differently than most kids and will probably be ok, but I am worried. Do you have any advice or experience in this area?

Thanks so much-

Felicia

The Answer:

Dear Felicia,

I haven't experienced ADHD in my family, but I have definitely worked with difficult children and teens. Maybe because I only know one way to work with children, I've come to believe that a loving approach generally brings out the best in people--without exception. You realize by now, that by "loving", I don't mean permissive. I mean clear, consistent and firm. But in a way that always communicates love. In most cases that I've observed, anger comes when children feel dominated, forced and backed into a corner. When they feel listened to, respected and securely loved, they almost always become more reasonable. I understand that your son might have difficulty accepting limits. But he needs them and if you are clear and consistent and kind as you enforce them--giving generously in other areas (saying "yes" with a twinkle in your eye whenever you can) he will accept "no" more readily. He is still young and in danger of being earmarked as "bad" and unlovable.

So, to me, the principles I advocate on this blog, completely apply with your son--maybe more so. Between outbursts, during day to day life, work very hard on your relationship with him. Discover his talents and learn to genuinely appreciate aspects of his personality. Express love often--both in words and by holding him close to you. Realize that because of his behavior problems, he may not have many people who smile at him and treat him warmly. Let him see love in your eyes. Help him over the bumps that other children seem to handle well on their own. Just try to be on his side instead of being embarrassed by him. Discover ways of working with him that really seem to hit the mark. Pray for insight.

You know that old saying about how nice it would be if kids came with a set of instructions. Well, if I were to boil it down to step one and two, it would be--- love and teach---in that order. When I feel loved I feel good. When I feel good, I want to be good. As my wise mother used to say, "a misbehaving child is a discouraged child". That little piece of information gives us a map to follow.

Finally, don't compare him with anyone ever. Maybe his behavior will not be ideal by the world's standards and he might even be the worst kid in the class. But stay focused on him and on his small improvements and praise his efforts however hard to see. Be his fan and maybe sometimes, his only friend.

I believe we have the children we have for a reason. Maybe we can best help them to grow. Maybe they can best help us to grow! It's an amazing plan and if we step up to it, it will bring us joy. This much I know.

All my love,

Jane

How Do I Learn To Like Motherhood?

2010-10-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

The Question:

As a teenager, I would lock myself in my room and shut the world out, be left alone with my thoughts and just be me. I hated it when my little sister would even touch me. I need space.

Now that I'm a mother, I feel those same things yet don't get to lock myself in my room. To top it off I have never been a very nurturing person yet not long after getting married, I wanted to have kids. Now I have 3 kids (ages 8,6, &3) and feel like it's almost too much. Some days I wake up asking myself what in the WORLD I was thinking having 3 kids? Being a loving mom just doesn't come naturally to me. at. all. I try and I try but it's almost against my nature. It's hard for me not to compare myself to other moms who claim that they "just love being a mom" etc. I feel like something is wrong with me because Some days I HATE being a mom. When I leave on vacation without my kids, I don't really miss them. It's hard to admit this as a member of the Church striving to magnify my calling as a mother. I feel like this is not the norm. I have read zillions of parenting books and am always working at improving but... I don't know how to LOVE (or even like) motherhood. I wish I was the kind of mom that could handle 11 kids like yourself but I'm not and that makes me sad and frustrated. So how do I learn to like motherhood?

The Answer:

Dear friend,

I am probably not the best one to answer this question. I was born for motherhood. I know that and I know that it's been a blessing for me. The very thing I'm supposed to do--the very role that I am supposed to embrace, just happens to be my first love. So a person like me gets all kinds of affirmation in the church. My heart really does go out to people who struggle with this role and expectation and who just don't find the joy they keep hearing about. I have a few thoughts and I'd like to invite readers to share their experiences in this area.

You already have children and they only have one mother, and one childhood. You need to learn to really know and love your children. You just can't give in to the self-doubts you're experiencing. Nurturing is a skill that can be learned and love has a source. Pray that your heart may be made tender toward each of your children. You are the single most important person in their lives. Your approval, your affirmation of them, your knowledge and acceptance of their uniqueness will stay with them throughout their lives. If there is emptiness and coldness in your relationship with them, they will be injured. You might feel like you really can't help that. You don't feel it so what can you do? You can invest yourself in a different way than you are now investing. Maybe you are just very custodial. Feeding them. Cleaning the house. Hauling them around. Noticing all the ways they drive you crazy--arguing, undoing what you've done, talking back, etc. But just step back. Look at each child individually. What is on their mind? Who are they? What is their world like? Picture yourself building a visible bond. Every time you smile at them, hug or touch or laugh at something together, you are strengthening the bond. Be alone with each one and talk about things. Just look right into their eyes and listen intently. While you're listening, think that you love them, that they are precious. They will see that thought in your eyes. You might feel awkward about this. Maybe you aren't a touchy feely kind of person. But children really are and they interpret little gestures like a gentle hand on their back or a genuine smile to mean, "I love you." I guess what I'm really getting at, is just force yourself to go through the motions of eye contact, touch and smiling with a light in your eyes until you begin to feel it. Realize that you are feeding your child in a very real way. This is nurturing.

Put yourself on a two week plan of going through the nurturing motions that I've described. Take each child on an outing alone during the two weeks. Do something fun like bowling or hiking or hunting for some special treasure with them at a thrift store. When you get back home, don't go right into the house. Just stay in the car. Tell them that you've had such a good time with them and express your love. Also during the two weeks, compliment each of them each day. Focus on the good things they do. Picture that you are building a bond. Try not to raise your voice or look at them in way that communicates disdain. If they misbehave, take them individually into another room and talk to them. Hold their hand and talk to them.

This is your family. A family is different from any other project or accomplishment because it is an eternal, living thing. It extends on for generations. If you can make the sacrifice to learn to nurture, you'll not only be building emotionally healthy children, but you'll be teaching them how to nurture the generation that follows. And I really can't describe to you the return on this investment of yourself. Your children will not always be small. They will grow to love you if you first love them. My children still at home--ages 16, 14, 11 and 9 are genuinely soothing to me. I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day--like good friends. They aren't any better than your children! I loved them every day. Now they love me.

One final note...sometimes we fill our lives with hobbies or pursuits that produce more immediate rewards. If we aren't careful, we start to resent our children and see them as obstructions to the things that bring us real pleasure. The key is to discover pleasure in our children--to make them central, to genuinely value them during the relatively short time that they are in our home.

The day will come that you will be free to spend whole days any way you want-- you can travel, go to school, or go in your room and shut the door But today, you are a mother. I challenge you to come out and keep trying. I know that the Lord will bless your efforts.

All my love,

Jane

My 6 month old just started crying before naps?

2010-10-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane,

Wondering if you can help!

My six month old daughter has just started crying before her day time naps. And when I say crying, I mean really screaming sometimes kicking her legs out and arching her back, and for up to 20 or 30 minutes before going to sleep.

Up until now she has been an absolute angel. She sleeps about 12 - 13 hours through the night with 1 or 2 feeds (usually 1), but she goes straight back to sleep after the feed, or I put her in her cot and she puts herself to sleep. She is still doing this now, and is still an angel at night, but it's the day naps that have started causing heartache.

She has always only power napped in the day - usually only sleeps for about 30 - 40 minutes at a time and 3 or 4 times in the day. In the past she'd start grizzling and rubbing her eyes and I knew she was tired, so I'd give her the dummy (she only uses this for day time naps) and she'd go to sleep straight away. Now she screams and screams. Is this normal? At first I thought she may be teething, but why would she only cry at pre-sleep time? Then I thought that maybe she is just at that age where she changes a bit, gets her own personality, and isn't just a dream baby who only sleeps, eats and poo's! A lot of people have told me babies change at around 6 months.

Anyway, would appreciate your advice, thanks so much!

Kindest Regards,

Clair Mudaliar

(Gold Coast, Australia)

The Answer:

Dear Clair,

I just noticed that you sent this letter in July and I'm just getting it answered in October! That means that your baby is nine months old now and is probably doing something completely different. I love your Australian accent that comes through in print! A "dummy" must be a pacifier, "grizzling" must be fussing, and every mother everywhere loves her baby to go to sleep "straight away."

I agree with your friends that tell you that babies go through changes at six months. And they continue to change pretty regularly until they are 3 or 4 years old. It's frustrating for a mom because just when she thinks she's got a great system going, her baby quits cooperating. They don't need as much sleep, they become more aware of their surroundings, they teethe, they catch a little cold, they take a jump in appetite. If you want to maintain a strict schedule in your life, if you want your baby to be in her bed at certain hours, you can. But you'll have to plan on letting her scream or just lay awake to accommodate you. I had eleven children. Some were content and happy, others more demanding, but I never accomplished the feat of determining when they would sleep and when they would wake. I knew every trick in the book to get a sleepy baby to sleep. My husband was genius at it. But if they weren't ready, I just let them be up until they were.

Judging from the letters I receive, sleep seems to top the list of difficulties you face as mothers. Sometimes it's easy to equate your overall success and failure as a mother, with how well your children go to bed. There are hundreds of books written on the subject. I've read some of them. But I think that really, I just gave up fighting it. The more I read about brain development in the first year, the less comfortable I felt letting babies scream it out. So I didn't. I walked, rocked, used binkies, bottles, car rides,etc. When I was worn out, my husband stepped in. Many times when we'd had a particularly rough night with a baby, we'd find that they had a fever in the morning and probably had been achy and miserable during the night. I was glad we hadn't left them to cry. After the first year, I had tender feelings for them. I had a relationship. I didn't feel comfortable letting them cry then either. Sometimes I let them sleep with me. It just wasn't a big deal. By the time they were three or four, they seemed to go to bed better unless they had a late nap. You see, my policy was just to be sensitive to their feelings...about sleep and about everything else. They were people. I just tried to treat them well. I wanted them to feel secure, safe and loved. It isn't, perhaps, the neatest, tidiest way, but it's a way that I look back on with satisfaction. I believe that unique bonds are formed in the long, hard nights. Motherhood requires continual sacrifice and then sometimes even new levels of sacrifice.

This has been a long answer to a short question. So...I would move through the stages of your baby's life with flexibility. Don't get frustrated. Just meet her needs from day to day and enjoy each new stage of development. Accept that they are part of life and that she's growing as she should, and find tender ways of helping her learn to sleep as she changes.

All my love,

Jane

Lap Wars During Reading Time?

2010-10-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Jane,

I'm curious if you have any ideas for dealing the lap wars that ensue whenever I try and read a book these days. My kids are 3.5 and 18 mo. I've tried giving them each a turn (even changing who is sitting on my lap after each book), but the 18 mo. just cries and cries and tries to wiggle his way back on when it isn't his turn to sit on my lap, and of course, the 3.5 wants the attention too. I really want reading to be a positive experience for both of them. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Brittany

The Answer:

Dear Brittany,

I know I quote my mother far too often on this blog--but sometimes I can just hear her little chuckle when I read your questions and I can also hear her answer. She used to say, "Is there anything better than holding your baby while another child is clamoring to get on?"

It sounds like that "enjoyable" moment has lost some of its charm. Here's what I'd do. I would tell my oldest child that the younger one gets to sit on my lap because he is the baby. "But I need you to sit right beside me and turn the pages...because you're the oldest ." Then just stick to it. They'll accept your routine if you are firm. If it really turns into an all out war, say, "Oh dear, I guess we'll have to read later." Just make a big deal about that older child's responsibility to turn the pages. And keep them cuddled close and remember that the oldest one just wants to feel important to you.

Love,

Jane

Husband Issues?

2010-09-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

The Question:

So far I've only seen questions relating to kids, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to tackle one about husbands?

My problem is I feel like I'm constantly cleaning up after my husband. He cooks and leaves a mess on the stove that I have to clean off. He leaves dishes all over the house. When he cooks, he also leaves wrappers on the counters. I try not to mind, because he's working full time and going to school, but at the same time, couldn't he at least rinse his plates? The other day I woke up and there was spaghetti sauce all over the stove. I mean, ALL over. when he woke up (he works graves) I asked him if he'd clean it up. He said, "I knew that would be the first thing you said to me today." (If you knew it was coming, why didn't you wipe it off?!) And then he never cleaned it.

I've talked with him about using paper plates, and he is SO opposed to them, but won't tell me why. I understand if you're eating a steak, you don't want to have to cut up your plate. But if you're microwaving a quesadilla, shouldn't it be worth it to eat off a paper plate so your wife doesn't have to scrape off the melted cheese?

Also, I feel like the only thing I regularly ask him to do is take out the garbage. It really is too heavy for me most of the time. Before I was married, I had a tiny garbage can that would fit under the sink, so it had to be taken out every day and never got heavy or stinky. As soon as we got married, he started campaigning for a bigger can, and I told him he could get it if he'd be the one taking out the trash. So I ask him VERY nicely, and he says he'll do it, then doesn't. And I'm not even asking him to make a special trip! I always say, "Baby, when you leave, would you take the trash out with you?" He says yes, then leaves without it. I remind him, and he says sure thing, then leaves again. This will go for several days before he gets frustrated with me asking and finally takes it out. I partly feel like I want to make a point and he SAID he'll take it out, so he SHOULD! But also, sometimes when I finally cave and do it myself, he says, "I said I'd take it out!"

So how do I talk to him about this without it turning into a big argument? I don't want to feel like a nag, but that's the only way to get things done. I feel so disrespected, and like he's taking advantage of me, even though I know that's not what it's about.

Please Help!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

It sounds like maybe you and your husband are at a stand-off. You're in a pattern that builds resentment and separation.   If you really want to strengthen your marriage and feel loved and cared for by your husband, you have the ability to turn things around. But you are going to have to stop keeping score, stop looking for evidence of his neglect and stop making requests and then waiting for him to fail you again.   You need to step back and look at what he is giving you--working full time and going to school so he can take good care of you.

I'm a little old-fashioned, I know. I'm still back there in the age where a man's role was to provide and a woman's role was to create a warm loving home for him to return to every night--rather than a frown and a pile of chores.   I think you should do all you can to support him with this difficult schedule.   Make it your goal to be the woman he can't wait to see and hates to leave.   Make it so that he loves and appreciates you so much that he wants to take your garbage out. I know, I know. It's his garbage just as much as it is yours. But men like to feel like they're doing something for you and that you love them for it--not like naughty little children that you have to keep in line.   Express appreciation continually for the sacrifices he's making for you. Doing this will invite him to lower his defenses and begin to appreciate you in return.

Of course, this will only work if it is deeply sincere. Make up your mind that you are going to serve him without resentment.   It only takes a few seconds to wash a plate. Don't make a big show of it. When you feel like complaining, give him a smile and a big hug and tell him it's the least you can do considering all that he does for you. I can almost guarantee that as he feels this love and support from you, you will not have to take out the garbage. He'll see you doing it and say, "Hey little lady, I'll get that for you." And you'll say, "Thanks." And he'll just think you're the best thing ever made. Your marriage will flourish.

Pray each day to know how to better serve and care for your husband and you will receive ideas and a softening of heart. The love you have for each other is right at the bedrock of your successful home. It's worth any effort.

With love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Creating Everyday Fun In Your Family

2010-09-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I'd like to talk to you about a wonderful aspect of family life.....Fun! There is nothing more bonding than laughing together. It is truly leaven in the loaf and I'm sorry to pin one more thing on you, but you, the mother, control so much of the "fun level" in your home. I confess that I'm a pretty productive person. I'm happiest when I'm getting things done and if left unchecked, I would move the family from one serious endeavor to the next. Maybe that's why the Lord sent me a houseful of fun people---and funny too.

Fun often means that you have to stop what you're doing and enjoy the moment. Here's a story. Long, long ago, I was making bread and someone--I'm not sure who---invented the dough game. Each person in the immediate area is given a plastic cup with a little ball of dough inside. Everyone stands in a circle---as wide as the room accomodates and on the count of three, they toss their ball to the right. So of course, each person has to toss and catch within a second. The goal of course, is to successfully catch all the dough balls. Once we get a good rhythm going, we try for 20 catches in a row, or we add variations--like throwing all the dough up and then catching whatever we can and...ok, usually dough fights ensue. To this day, I can never make bread or rolls without someone starting up the dough game.

Fun doesn't have to cost anything. I'm always amazed at the money people spend on fun---and often, the activities aren't that fun. I've found that when we set out on a free adventure, and I'm in a good mood, something surprising and memorable usually happens. Like Riverfront Park. It's a beautiful park here in Spokane with walkways and waterfalls. There's a carousel and a tram and other ways to spend money. But we rarely do those things. We feed the ducks, we look at the falls, we bring a snack. And always, always some good, unexpected thing is waiting for us. One time, the boys caught 32 crayfish. I know, I know. Yuck! But they loved it and they even cooked some and ate them when they got home. Another time, a little colony of marmots popped up in some rocks on a hillside. We were the only ones around and when the marmots discovered that we had crackers, they became very friendly.

As the mother, you help your children to realize and appreciate the wonder and the joy of simple fun. You can exclaim, "This is amazing!" "Can you believe our good luck?" "What could be more fun than this?"

When a family experiences these unexpected, unplanned pleasures together, their love and appreciation for eachother flourishes. When you, as the mother, pause and identify the moment, a memory is cemented.

I love humor and I've noticed that many families seem to have a sense of humor all their own. Where does that come from? I'm not sure. But I love that aspect of family life. We can encourage and develop our children's sense of humor by laughing with them and pointing out the funny moments in life. One day, my grandson Jack called to say that they had woken up to find a chicken in their back yard. He laughed and laughed as he told me about it. In another household, the tone may have been different. The parents might have been annoyed or nervous about this chicken, but Jack's parents saw the humor in the situation so Jack did to. What a gift we give our children when we encourage them to see humor in everyday life. My daughter Kristen had a habit of humming a little soundtrack to things she saw as we drove along. For example, if a dog was trotting down the road, she would hum a perfect accompaniment to his gait. I loved that! And I still hear those little tunes in my head.

Set a goal to laugh with your children at least two or three times a day. Help them see humor. When things start gettig heavy and intense, stop everything and shock them with a game of your own invention. You know that old proverb "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones." I know that "dry bones" burned out feeling. I sometimes have it in the car when we're heading off on an outing. I've cleaned the house, made the food, dressed the kids, loaded everything up and I'm completely shot. So I've sat there in the passenger seat and prayed for a merry heart because I've learned that I'm the determining factor. My husband is always a great sport and kids just want to have fun. As usual, the Lord comes through and softens me up and all is right with the world. And that's good medicine for all of us.

Have a fun week.

Love you,

Jane

New Mom Isolation?

2010-09-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I know it has been a long time since you were just a mother of one, but as that is what I am, that is where my question comes from. My question isn't about my baby, it's about me.

Now, let me first set some things straight. I love being a mother. It is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. My daughter is seriously an angel baby. When she's having a rough day, other people don't understand because that is how their babies were on normal days. She is a great sleeper and is as cute as can be. I love her. She is great. I am doing everything I can to soak up these precious moments when I am her best friend and she lights up when she sees me. I know this time is going to go by fast.

My problem is the loneliness in my life. My husband is great, but he is working while also attending law school. Although he is the oldest in his family, he struggles with his schedule no longer being his own with the little one around, esp. since our time together is limited due to the demands on his time. We don't live anywhere near family; we don't feel like we fit in at all in our ward (which is amazing in a ward where there have already been something like 20 babies born this year, you would think we'd be perfect in that demographic.) I am tired of trying to make friends and failing, but 18 hours alone every day with a 3 month old gets to be a little isolating. I even have talked to my doctor about PPD, but she's fairly certain that that is not my issue.

When it is a chore just to get to the grocery store with my little one, how am I supposed to be motivated to get out and do other things? How can I combat this new mom isolation and have a conversation where I can get a response that is a little more complex than ga ga goo?

Thank you,

The Answer:

Dear AJ,

I am reasonably certain that since you wrote this letter back in July, you have already solved this problem to some degree. But because I've received several letters like yours, I'm going to offer some suggestions.

First let me refer you to a response from last March (March 8: Dealing with Loneliness) In it, I give almost every idea I can think of for reaching out and connecting with others. There are also several great comments from readers that might help you.

But besides "reaching out" ideas, I'd like to give you one other thought. I've discovered over my lifetime, that there are some lonely seasons. I've gone through them. I've watched my children go through them. I think they serve a purpose. We really learn compassion when we experience that isolated feeling. We don't like to see someone sitting alone. We are motivated to teach our children how to notice and include people. But more than even these valuable lessons, I think we really discover the reality of a Heavenly Father. I've never felt closer to him than during those times when I've run out of places to turn. The more lonely I've felt, the more open I've been to his love. Maybe it's just that we have to be really empty before we recognize how it feels to be filled. Certainly, those times of isolation and need have deepened my testimony more than the times of feast.

Because before long, life becomes full and busy and so we forget, to some degree, that most precious relationship and we lose, to some degree, that precious dependence.

So my suggestion is that you try to form friendships, but also learn the lessons that your present life can teach you.

All my love,

Jane

Coming Back...and a request.

2010-09-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

After a short absence, I am back! I’ve missed you and want to thank those of you who’ve hung on and continued to add great comments in my absence. I have a pile of questions waiting for me and I’ll answer them one by one.

I’m determined to keep this blog alive because, well, I love it. I love that we are all trying together to be better parents, to love more purely and to connect more fully with our children. That’s a big challenge, I know, and it takes all the encouragement we can get.

My favorite aspect of parenting is the one I just mentioned—the forging of bonds. As I’ve often told you, parenting for me reached a whole new level of fulfillment and excitement when I began to focus less on forced outcomes which required a rather heavy-handed approach. The goal, instead, became the building of conscience and that happened for me as I changed my focus to loving and teaching—communicating my love while making sure that my expectations were clear and doable.

There are many, many methods of parenting out there. That’s why I’m impressed that you’re still here! This isn’t the easiest way. Lasting results come slowly. Grandparents raise their eyebrows. Husbands resist. But the thing that makes you persevere is success—small daily successes. I want to hear about them. I want you to be able to read one another’s success stories and be encouraged by them. If you have a story, large or small in which a child has really responded to his/her conscience rather than force, tell us about it. Tell us how it came about. Send your success stories and we’ll post them here—with or without your name. (askingjane at gmail dot com).

My plan is to write you a letter every Monday (we all need a little nudge forward on Mondays, right?) and then to answer questions as I have time. My reward will be your success stories!

I send all my love to you. Remember Alma 36, “ by small and simple things are great things brought to pass” I know there is nothing small or simple about your responsibilities. But everything you are doing has meaning—every little act. Remember that great analogy by Elder David Bednar about the little brush strokes. They all add up to beauty--your little touches, moments of eye contact, stories read, cookies baked, laundry folded, legos picked up (again). Your presence means security. You are the sun—the center of their world A lot of responsibility, I know—but a warm place to be.

Have a great week. I’m glad to be with you again.

With Love,

Jane

Hopping Out Of Bed?

2010-07-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

The Question:
Hi Jane-

I'm wondering how you deal with children repeatedly getting out of bed after they have been tucked in for the night. After going through the entire bedtime routine, my 3 1/2 year old daughter often appears at the top of the stairs minutes later, claiming she can't sleep. I understand an extra drink or trip to the bathroom before she settles down for the night, but really I think she just doesn't want to miss out on anything that might be going on while she's in bed. Short of keeping up her up until the rest of the family is in bed or tiptoeing around the house until she's fallen asleep, how can I help her understand that bedtime is non-negotiable? It discourages me that an otherwise wonderful day together can end on a sour note as we spend an extra hour convincing her that it really is time to go to bed. I would much rather send her to bed with hugs and kisses than tired lectures on obedience, agency, and consequences.

Thank you for your ideas and willingness to share your life experiences with all of us.

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I really wish there were a simple answer to this question. Have you heard this little song?

I love it because it confirms the universal nature of this problem. Children hate going to bed. I've always laughed at the irony of things--how I'd love to have someone lead me to a quiet room every day and order me to take a nap, how I'd enjoy being congratulated for eating everything on my plate--and even seconds!, how I'd jump at the chance to go to bed every night at a regular time--undisturbed til morning. Just about the time human beings make the shift to loving sleep, it becomes a vice instead of a virtue. But that is the way of things.

There are people who are extremely structured about bedtimes, but I've always wondered how they did it. Because young children have such varied schedules--some days they take a late nap, some days no nap, some days tired, some days not so much, bedtimes vary somewhat. I just watched for the signs that my children were tired. If they napped til four in the afternoon, they probably wouldn't go to be til I did. On an ideal day, my little children would all take a nap or have a good rest right after lunch so they were ready for bed by 7:30 or 8:00, but like me, they didn't always stick to that schedule. I wasn't one to put them in bed at 7:00 no matter what and then battle with them for 2 hours because they really weren't tired. I just tried to read their cues.

But I understand that many women like to have several hours of uninterrupted time with their husband at night. We weren't like that so much. We didn't mind having a child up if they were pleasant and not tired. When they got tired, we put them to bed. Around school age, we established a pretty firm bedtime that seemed natural. Even now, we have scripture study at 8:30 and then bed. Our children fall into that routine easily at that age and our older teenagers choose their bedtime.

Good luck. You're not alone in the bedtime battle.

Love,

Jane

A Toddler and a New (special needs) Baby?

2010-07-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

Oh boy, I've got a bazillion questions. I've been thinking about your blog a lot and in particular your ideas on loving discipline. It resonates with me, especially because I recognize the fact that my own upbringing was one where there was a lack of love felt, plenty of shame/yelling, etc. {Not to be a cry baby and not that it was all bad, but it is what it is.} With my own daughter I've tried very hard to form a strong, loving bond. I try to be especially cuddly and physically affectionate. So when you talk about the importance of these things, I get it. Here's what I don't get....

I believe in being firm with discipline, rules and boundaries. {Another thing I know I lacked in my childhood and thus actually contributed to me feeling less loved.} So in my mind, I try to balance being the firm disciplinarian with being a loving, fun mom at all other times. But again, I like what you've talked about...I like the idea of treating kids as we would want to be treated and trying to encourage behavior through love rather than force. BUT....BUUUUUUUT I'm really struggling to see how I could get my daughter--a toddler, who is 3--to do certain things any other way, than without using something that basically adds up to a threat. If we ask her to do something, she often complies because she's genuinely and generally a good girl. But she's still 3 and of course doesn't do everything asked of her. Naturally. Additionally, lately she's been going through a rather defiant phase and without saying things like {even very kindly}, "Sweetheart, if you don't do _______ you're not going to get any treats." Or "Sorry sweetie it's time for bed, and you know if you scream and throw a fit that we take your book away." I guess I can see how your approach over time really helps, particularly with teenagers, but I'm having a really hard time seeing how I could use this same approach on a toddler who would and could just say no every time I ask her to do something. I know you talk about having high standards with your children and that they definitely have boundaries, but I just need help seeing this with toddlers. Oh, and we've even done a bean jar lately to promote obedience and to use a positive approach, but I'm also afraid that now she's just being obedient just to "get a bean" and of course it still doesn't work all the time. I know that my aim isn't just to 'get her to do what I want, when I want' but at the same time, I do think there are times that when I ask her to do something, it needs to be done. Period. And so far I can't figure out how to do that without a natural consequences approach. And I guess I've been sorta hard on myself lately because as I've really been thinking about this I've tried to utilize the method unsuccessfully a few times, only to get frustrated and even once to the point of yelling and walking out. So I could use some help....I don't want this idea to be some elusive ideal that I can't reach and in the meantime only get frustrated with my lack of know how and end up doing something worse {yelling} than my original approach...does that make sense? Also, as mentioned in the title, I'm feeling particularly rushed as I'm pregnant with our second daughter who is going to be born with special needs. I know this is going to change everything in a lot of ways, and that I might feel additional stress of not just a newborn but a newborn that comes with a whole new set of issues. {I'm seriously writing this in the hospital right now, preparing to have a c-section tomorrow 5 weeks early because she needs to get out asap...you don't have to put this part on the blog if you post my question, but I'm so desperate for some guidance that this is what's on my last minute to-do list. I know...crazy much?}

Anyway, thanks for your help. You're a cool cat Jane and thank goodness for mothers like you.

Love,

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

I am constantly amazed at the obstacles that mothers have before them and the strength and determination they meet them with. By now, you have a new baby with special needs. She's very blessed to have you.

As for your three year old, I really do understand your frustration. You feel like she'll walk all over you if you use a loving approach and she often does. Probably 80% of the questions I receive have to do with this age group. The reason it's hard for me to answer this question is because I can hardly remember what it was like to have only one or two children. I know I hovered over them and was aware of all of their behaviors. But for the last five or six children, I just became very easy going. I made few demands and just enjoyed them at this age. I didn't really discipline much. I fed them when they were hungry and gave them naps when they were tired and we all played with them and enjoyed their little antics. I potty trained them when they were ready, read to them a lot, and taught them new things. I just had very few power struggles. I did teach them that no means no and that there were limits. I didn't give in when they cried or whined. I would follow through. "I know...you really want candy. I'm sorry but we'll have some later." Big hug. Walk away. And I was firm about things. "You may never hit. Hitting hurts people" Focus on the victim. As I've mentioned, the whole focus at this age is on teaching correct behavior--practicing it and rewarding it and helping to bring about success. Role play so she gets a good picture of what you want. "Let's practice walking through a store." "Let's practice coming right when you're called." I think the bean jar and things like it are good because they reinforce good behavior. Hugs and lots of eye contact are even better. Not just stern, teaching eye contact but "I love you" eye contact and lots of smiles. "I'm going to tell you ten reasons why I'm glad you're my little girl." Three year olds are still very small and irrational--though smart. They don't really think through things yet. Just be patient, love and teach. As they get a little older, they really will have a more true sense of right and wrong and be able to make more good choices.

The greatest advantage of my age and stage of life, is perspective. I know that most of the things that I worried about with my earlier kids just corrected themselves with time and maturity. I learned to relax and enjoy my children and as a result, they turned out to be sweet and loving. That's really why I write this blog--to tell you the great secret--that you are free to love and enjoy your children without worrying about ruining them. When they sense your constant disapproval, they'll be discouraged. When they feel deeply approved of and accepted, they will thrive. Think about the way your husband treats you and what kind of treatment brings out the best in you. Especially when you are undeserving. It's a universal principle.

Congratulations on your new little baby girl. I'm thinking of you.

Love,

Jane

Children Who Help Keep Things Clean?

2010-07-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Okay, Jane.

You have dazzled me with your wisdom and parenting expertise so far, so I come to you with a conundrum of epic proportions. Are you ready? Here it is....
How do I get my children (9, 7, 6, 4) to pick up after themselves so that I don't continue living my life as the resident maid for the next 20 years? It's not that I don't try to get them involved in cleaning--they do have chores to do, and normally do them well (when rewards are attached). BUT the fact that they can step over the same pile of junk 150 TIMES without batting an eye at it is starting to spin this relatively sane mother into a frustrated, overwhelmed ranter who loses it just a bit more often than she'd like to admit.

Suggestions?
Jonesy

The Answer:

Dear Jonesy,

Oh for a simple answer to this question. I think it's a battle that never ends while children are in the house. I discovered that I had a level--beneath which I could no longer function. In other words, I had a level of chaos that I could accept. But when we dipped below that level, things ground to a halt. So I feel your pain and I'll share just a couple of ideas.

I established a morning routine with the goal that by 10:00 or so, our house was clean. Like your family, everyone had jobs to do. During the school year, those jobs were done before school. The key to making this happen is you. You have to be up and moving through the house keeping everyone on task. Beds should be made, laundry sorted, rooms cleaned and other jobs done. This daily "putting the house in order" shows children how to do it and what the finished product should look like. If they get used to disarray--days of seeing everything in disorder--they will accept that environment.

Maintaining a clean house is another matter. It is a never-ending process to teach children to pick up after themselves. You have to be very engaged while they are young teaching them to put away one activity before they begin another one--teaching them to clean up after themselves as they go. It isn't natural for them. I've noticed that some very fastidious mothers tend to have children with that same characteristic. I don't think it's genetic. I think it's learned. The children simply learn that nothing can be left out ever. As for me, I'm not great at it myself so I don't really expect it from m kids. As I mentioned, I can live with a certain level of chaos for a few hours. I can spread a school project all over the living room, cook in the kitchen and let the toddlers have a free for all for a while. But I can't let things go like that all day or for days on end. When the project is finished, I rally the troops and we all clean up the whole house. We might do it a couple of times a day. "OK, everybody stop. We're going to clean the house before lunch...before Dad gets home...just before bed." By clean, I don't mean Saturday deep clean--just put everything in its place. When my children were young, we'd often move from room to room cleaning together--me barking orders while the kids ran to put things away. I used a timer or some other little gimmick. Now we can each take a room or two and have the house picked up in about 10 minutes.

What doesn't work is this. Mom watches tv or blogs or reads and keeps saying, "You kids get that room cleaned up...Isn't that room clean yet?...What's going on in there?" Mom has to be engaged in the process to ensure quality control and to teach organization. Mom establishes the level of order and continually enforces it. She provides a place for everything. She doesn't fill her children's lives with mountains of things to take care of. She keeps it simple. She limits the number of shirts and shoes and toys her children have to deal with so that their lives are manageable and then she helps them manage.

When my son Peter was about four, I set up a little table for him near the computer. I put a small desk organizer on it with just the right number of art supplies and put a shoe box on it for his finished works of art. He loved that simple little place and I was amazed how orderly he kept it. I think it was because I thought it through and made it manageable for him. We can take the time as moms to think through the trouble areas in our kids lives and pare them down to simple and manageable. Then model the tidy behavior we're after. They really will accept our level.

I hope these ideas have been helpful. I know you've heard this a hundred times, but the day will come--sooner than you think--when the house will stay clean all day. Everything will stay right in it's place. It will be way too quiet. And you'll enjoy that for about a week before you start missing the flurry of activity and life that is a family. Enjoy it now.

All my love,

Jane

Am I Giving My Child A Persecution Complex?

2010-06-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Question:

My question for you is hard for me to put succinctly, but it's something that I'd really like to see discussed a little bit.

As my kids have been getting older, we've been able to start teaching them some more interesting things in Family Home Evening. Recently we've talked about church history, and the Plan of Salvation, for example. Discussing these kinds of topics naturally brings us to discussions of how our church is different from other churches, and how members of our church have been persecuted because of their beliefs. As these things come up, I can see my kids processing these ideas in their sweet little minds, and something about the looks on their faces just breaks my heart. Suddenly it dawned on me that I am teaching them that they will be persecuted. And I just feel so strangely conflicted about that.

Am I setting them up with a persecution complex? Should I let them discover persecution by their own experience? Am I teaching them to be ashamed of themselves and their faith by teaching them that they are different? I just want my kids to be strong and confident as well as faithful and obedient, and something about the looks on their faces has me questioning what lessons were being communicated. It felt like I was exposing them to an evil that they shouldn't have to face yet. What do you think?

Love,

Tara

The Answer:

Dear Tara,

That's really an interesting question--and one I'd never really thought about. As mothers, it's our natural instinct to protect our children. But when you think about it, we start preparing them for the injustices of life very early. We tell them stories of Cinderella, Snow White and The Ugly Duckling. And, of course, the scriptures are filled with stories of the faithful who stood up to persecution.

Without really thinking about it, I guess I've always taught my children that they might be persecuted for their beliefs and standards but they'll be in good company. Over the years, each of my children have had a handful of experiences with it---almost always in the context of living their standards. For example, most of them have had to tell a group of friends that they wouldn't watch a certain movie or participate in certain activities. Around sixth grade when lots of kids are pairing off and "going out", mine have had to explain that they won't do this. I really love it when they have these experiences, when they start to feel that pressure. I'm especially proud when they have the courage to say, "This is something I won't do"" rather than "My parents won't allow it."

They feel good when they make these stands and they discover for themselves that pleasing God is better than pleasing their friends. They distinguish themselves as true followers.

When it comes to outright persecution about their religion, for us it's been rare. When our son Brian was in first grade, he came home from school one day and announced that his best friend Cody "is never allowed to play with me again because I'm a Mormon." It turned out that Cody's dad was a minister and very antagonistic toward our church. True to his word, Cody never did play with Brian. It was a pretty harsh experience but Brian didn't develop a persecution complex. I think he just learned early about misunderstanding and prejudice.

I think the discussions you've had with your children are good. Teach them that, yes, they might encounter persecution in their life but that's alright. You hope they'll be strong and valiant when it comes. These kinds of resolves build confidence. And the first time they have to really stand up for their beliefs, they'll learn something great about themselves--something they couldn't find out without that opposition.

All my love,

Jane

Interview for Bloom

2010-06-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

Visit Bloom today to see an interview with Jane about raising a large family! If you haven't been by Bloom before, stay and read for a while. You're in for a treat! Thanks Anne and Emily for the chance to post on your beautiful blog. Read the interview here.

Do You Ever Have Down Days?

2010-06-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

Do you ever have days where you don't want to be a mom and just veg out? What do you do? I have awesome kids, but sometimes I am just tired and I just want to let my hair down, but with three boys 4, 2 and 2 months, it gets too out of control. Do you ever want to hang out in jammies and do whatever? I feel I have to always be doing something or something is happening that's not suppose to.

Thanks

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

Yes. Absolutely yes. Every so often throughout all of my childbearing years, I would wake up too tired to face my life. It took me a long time to recognize this. I would try to push myself through it (because what else can you do?) until my mother one day said something like: "Have you ever noticed how sometimes you just have a very slow, worn out day?" She lived 800 miles away so I wondered how she knew. "Yes!" I replied in utter shock. She went on to mention some of the symptoms: a lazy lethargic feeling, not really sick but sometimes kind of hoarse, unmotivated, a little down. "Yes, yes, yes," I replied. She said, "You know what I used to do on those days?" "What?!!" I cried. "Nothing," she said. "I canceled everything. I stayed in my pajamas. I unplugged the phone. I let the kids stay in their pajamas. If someone dropped by, I opened the door a crack and told them I wasn't feeling well. I read or watched tv and let the world fall down around me." Wow. This was good news.

I started tracking my down days. They seemed to often follow a very stressful few days--such as the Standards Night I was in charge of or the Road Show I had to direct. But I came to recognize the day almost before my eyes opened. And I made it a policy to follow my mom's advice--to just be kind to myself. "Bring home pizza," I'd tell my husband, "we're functioning on low today."

And for me, it never really extended into days and days. Usually the next day, I'd be ready to roll again and actually rejuvenated by my self-imposed break from life.

How (I'm sure you're asking) did I manage to take a day off with a houseful of little children? I'm not sure. I'm not a person who normally lays around all day, so maybe they sensed that something was up. Maybe they didn't question it because after all, they got to eat all the cold cereal they wanted all day. Maybe they enjoyed the fact that I wasn't running around cleaning and cooking and ordering them to pick things up--but just fixed and immobile on the couch. I don't remember ever farming them out on those days. We just all vegged out together.

And one other thing--don't read books on child-rearing or self-improvement while you're doing this. Just read a good clean novel or watch a tear jerker and if at all possible, have a good cry. The whole thing can be very renewing to the soul.

So there you have it--the truth about how I survived 99 months of pregnancy, 11 years of nursing and children 24-7 for 29 years and counting. We holed up once in a while and went into slow motion. And it didn't hurt anything.

I hope this little confession from my mother to me to you---is helpful. Be kind to yourself.

All my love,

Jane

Butting Heads With My 2 Year Old?

2010-05-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I have 2 children (2 1/2 year old girl, 9 month old boy) that are as sweet as can be, but I have been butting heads with the 2 1/2 year old lately. I'm guessing it's mostly the age and I just have to get through it, but I'm wondering if you have any tips to make it easier.

Getting her dressed or trying to do her hair is a wrestling match. These are the things I've tried, as well as their opposites: letting her pick what she'll wear, giving her warnings that it's almost time to get dressed, bribes (this when I have to get out the door for an appointment or something), just not caring what she's wearing when we go out, etc. I haven't found anything that seems to make it easier.

She's also started to be rude to other kids, especially her cousin (1 1/2 years old). Everything is "hers" and she'll push him to get what she wants. I realize this is very typical of the age, but I'm not sure how to respond when she does this. I feel like she's such a bully to other kids, yet at other times she will be super sweet.

Other topics I'm interested in your views on for this age: nap time, teeth brushing, screaming (often while having fun, but it's too loud), getting her to cooperate when it's time to get in her car seat (once she's buckled in she's fine), and any other advice.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with young mom's like me. And thank you for helping me realize that I need to rely more on the spirit than on parenting books. That's a hard thing for me to remember.

You really are the best!
Bethany

The Answer:

Dear Bethany,

It sounds like you have a strong-willed child. You're right that she'll outgrow many of those behaviors, but you can work with her now to teach her what you expect and to give her successes.

Most of the things you mentioned seem to be power struggles--the things you want her to do that she doesn't want to do. And it sounds like you've had some good ideas. I really hate power struggles. I avoid them whenever possible because they set things up in a way that makes a child feel defeated in the end. You want your child to feel cooperative and capable. Is she old enough to dress herself? You can hand her a shirt and say, "Do you know how to put this on?" or have a race--she puts on her clothes while you dress her younger brother. You can exclaim the whole time to her brother about what a big, grown-up sister he has. Two year olds like to "act" rather than be "acted upon" so give her as much autonomy as she can handle.

This weekend, I visited my grandchildren. It was good for me to remember how they think. I realized that I almost always use some sort of incentive when the task is unpleasant for them. "As soon as you're all dressed, you can choose a candy." "When you have you're shoes on, we'll go outside and look for bugs for a few minutes." "We have to leave the park now, but when we get home, we can read a story or eat some lunch." I think I've always done that--avoided conflict by giving a positive picture of the outcome.

BUT--here is a big caution. Never give in when she cries. If you start to dress her and she starts to cry, you can sympathize and console but, go ahead and get her dressed. You don't want to teach her to cry. Don't make it a long drawn out ordeal--simply say, "I'm really sorry. I know that you hate getting dressed but we have to do it every single day." Then do it. Same with the car seat and brushing hair. You can remain kind and calm but she needs to understand that these are not optional activities.

Now--about screaming. I think I've mentioned before that I have a very low tolerance for noise. Because of that, my children don't scream. I'm convinced that because I hate it, I am very aware of it and respond quickly and that has conditioned my children against screaming. And that makes me think that we can teach our children anything when we act swiftly and consistently. "We never scream in the house...screaming is for outside." "Remember...never in the house." To make it more graphic, if they continue to scream, take their hand and walk outside. When you get out there, invite them to scream. "This is where we scream...but never in the house." Even when my kids' friends used to come and play, they quickly caught on to that rule. Here's a cute story to back this up. My Daughter Natalie doesn't let her children watch certain tv shows and tells them that they "give her a headache." One day when one of those shows came on, Jack said, "Hurry! Turn it off! Mom will get a headache!" Children will comply with any expectation if we are firm and consistent. When we're hit or miss about it, they won't learn that we mean it. I love clear limits. And the best part is, our children love them too and thrive on them.

Recognize of course, that your daughter is very young and be patient as you work with her. As always, continue to do all the things that build a bond of love. Smiles, hugs, true connection. Love brings out the best in all of us.

And keep praying for help. You're a good mom.

With love,

Jane

How Do You Learn To Nurture?

2010-05-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

This is a two-part question. I am the mother of an 8 month old boy. My son was born at the beginning of my last year of law school, and I was fairly busy for a good part of his life. I had a lot of help that last year from my husband and my neighbor, who both cared for my son, and now I am lucky enough to get to spend a lot more time with him. Since I am now caring for my son all day, I am coming up short with ways to entertain him for such long periods of time. We have "stations" all around the apartment where we move every 10-40 minutes on good days. In addition, now that its warming up, we spend a lot of time outside. He is able to entertain himself for longer periods in the morning, but gets fussier as the day goes on and won't be entertained easily. He also takes a 1 hour nap in the morning and another 1 hour nap in the afternoon. I'm running out of ideas to entertain the little guy. What in the world do I do all day with a baby?

Additionally, I was just reading Elder Ballard's recent conference address entitled Mothers and Daughters, and I realized that my own mother didn't really teach me how to nurture. My mother is a wonderful woman, but she failed to teach me how to "find joy in nurturing children" (that is something I have had to discover/am discovering on my own). She worked outside the home throughout my childhood and places a high value on education, and although she didn't explicitly say it, looked down on the women at church who were stay-at-home mothers. I don't judge my mother for her choices, but now that I've had a precious child, I find that the thing I want to do most is stay at home and raise my children. But I find that nurturing doesn't necessarily come naturally. My son is by all accounts a very easy baby and he's easy to love, but the nuts and bolts of nurturing are a bit elusive. How do I learn to nurture? (and what exactly IS nurturing?)

Thank you so much for your advice, although I wish this is the kind of thing I could ask my own mother (as per Elder Ballard's talk). I love your blog.

-Liz

The Answer:

Dear Liz,

Thank you so much for your question, and for your humility. You have obviously accomplished a great deal in the past few years and it's wonderful that you recognize your son as the best of accomplishments.

Your question actually brought back some memories for me. I remember when I had just one little baby boy. Older mothers would always comment that no one is busier than the mother of one. And it's true--you are the entire entertainment committee! But it sounds like you have some great little routines going and little by little (as you noticed), he will become more independent in his play. It's a problem unique to the first child, I think. After that, you hardly think about how to keep the baby occupied. It just happens. Other siblings help out or you get used to moving the baby from room to room with you while you go about your work. I used to open up my pan cupboard and let the baby play while I fixed dinner, put them in a laundry basket with some toys while I folded clothes, etc. But oldest babies, who get all that great one-on-one attention usually grow up with some special qualities. Remember that no effort is wasted. Your baby is surely benefiting from all of your attention and patience.

The second question, regarding nurturing, is really a good one. What is nurturing and how do we learn to do it? To me, nurturing means creating an environment in which my children can flourish and grow. It means meeting all of their physical needs--keeping them fed and warm and safe. And beyond that, it means surrounding them with love and security.

The ability to nurture seems to come naturally when we've been raised by a nurturer. I was the youngest in my family so I didn't get to watch "nurturing" in action. But when I was fifteen, we moved to a farm next to my two older sisters. Babies were pure joy to both of them. I remember many mornings when they would bring their new babies over. My mother would drop everything and they would all ooo and ahhh and exclaim over the baby's smiles and coos. They laughed as they told stories of their two-year-olds' antics. Their children never seemed to be a hardship. I can't express how much their attitudes and examples of love and nurture toward children impacted my life. The moment my own son was born, I began to play and coo and connect with him. You are right. It's so much easier when you've seen it first-hand.

But your effort and desire to become a nurturer is so impressive. You will learn how, and teach your children and they will know! Explaining how to do it, has proven very difficult for me. I've tried to analyze it and thing about it and put it into words. Here is my best effort.

Remove all the barriers. Your child is yours. Don't be afraid you're going to break him or spoil him or "do it wrong." Just enjoy him completely. It's easy to get custodial--making sure our children are properly fed and scheduled and have regular check-ups. There's nothing wrong with that but don't miss out on the fun and the joy. I loved showing my baby new things, seeing him in new settings. (I think we took Nick to the zoo for the first time when he was 3 months old and we were sure he loved the tigers.) I took baths with my babies, rocked them and sang, played little games, showed them flowers--showed them the world. I really hated to miss any new experience my babies had.

Make lots of eye contact and when you do, smile and talk. I don't necessarily like "baby talk", but I think it's nice to use a light, loving voice with babies--a voice reserved just for them. Your voice, your touch, your eye-contact, even your smell are very nurturing to your baby. Kiss his soft little cheeks and neck. Hold him tight against you and sing a little song that becomes familiar. Our babies all learned to relax when we walked and hummed "Reverently, Quietly". It was soothing to us and soothing to them.

In essence, when you really fall in love with your baby, when you could just eat him up...he's being nurtured. If you resent him or love him with reservations, he is missing something. In that case, give more of your deep self--not your custodial mother self, but your connecting self, to the relationship. Pray to be "filled with love" for your child. Look into his eyes and recognize his unique powerful little spirit.

I realize this might sound a little bit "new age" or cosmic, but it's the only way I know to describe the deep invisible bond that needs to exist--that encourages real growth and security. The whole relationship becomes symbiotic--mutually fulfilling. Work at it until it does. Since you were partially missing during his first few months, you might feel slightly estranged--as though others can do it better. But you are his one and only mother. And no person on earth can do what you can do in his life.

I really am proud of you for staying home with him and recognizing the value of your role when you would surely find more acclaim elsewhere. I promise you, you've made a good choice.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: 11-13 year old girls

2010-05-20T09:11:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Will you write us about the 11-13 year old years when girls are becoming more socially aware, having problems with friends, developing their confidence..... I could get into our specific situation but thought it might be more helpful as a letter like you did with the babies. (Mine is an 11 year old, tom boy that is so little still and isn't accepted by the boys, can't stand the girls and their chatty, gossipy boy craziness, but wants a facebook and phone, and I want to keep her away from cyber bullies and the scary sexual world. So much for not getting into it........)

The Answer:

Since most of our readers have very young children, I’d like to address this question from the ground up. I believe there are many things we can do with and for our daughters while they are young, to prepare them for the pressure they’ll face when they reach their early teens. Here are a few of my ideas.

Live and teach modesty. Buy them modest clothing when they are young. Avoid sleeveless, bare tummies, super trendy or tight clothes. Buy modest bathing suits and then have them wear a cover-up to and from the pool. When they are young, you can actually shape their taste in clothes. I used to love to look at magazines with my girls and point out how lovely the modest dresses were in contrast with the tacky, revealing ones. By the time they were five or six, they really preferred the right kinds of clothes.

Keep them young. I think that mothers sometimes encourage their daughters to grow up too fast. We’re excited about make-up and school dances and boys that find our daughters attractive. But all of those things will come in time (around 14-16) so hang on to childhood tenaciously. If you’re lucky enough to have a little tom boy who still loves dogs more than boys and would rather ride bikes than go to the mall, enjoy it. If your daughter has loved clothes and boys since she was two, do all you can to hold her back. Set firm policies such as--no boy/girl parties or school dances until 14.

I'll admit right up front that I have pretty strong views about cell phones, facebook and i-pods. I might be a little old-fashioned, but my children are the last ones on the block to have them. Facebook can be fun when limited and monitored. But it can encourage superficial relationships and expose children to too much too soon. We don’t allow it until 14 and even then, for a limited time each day. I-pods keep a constant stream of noise in our children’s lives—right during the years when they most need the still, small voice. My children can have one when they’re 16 (if they still want it). I’ve found that by then, they have the maturity to use it in moderation and to choose better music. That applies to cell phones as well and no texting til they leave home. I know—it’s extreme but I like my children to be with the people they’re with—not somewhere else. And I like them to have real conversations. Maybe these limits keep them out of the loop but that’s ok. I’m not sure I like the loop!

The world and all of its influences are going to pour in on our children. We can’t prevent that. But time and maturity are our best friends. A sixteen year old is old and wise enough to handle so much more than a girl of eleven. As parents, we really can regulate the social pace of our daughters’ lives by what we encourage and allow.

And let me add, that this is the point at which “parenting with love” begins to really pay off. We’ve spent years building a strong, loving relationship and even though these years bring natural separation and independence, in many ways, they bring a new level of closeness. Never argue. Give lots of hugs. Listen. Be loving and accepting but hold the line. Hopefully your daughter will love the commandments and standards as much as you do.

I had four daughters in a row. They’re all grown up and are pure joy to me. They’re my friends and companions. And I have an eleven year old now who loves dogs. She’ll notice boys pretty soon but I’m not in a hurry.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts as you raise your daughters. There isn’t a more rewarding work.

With Love,

Jane

Daughter Becoming Less Attached?

2010-05-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane

I'm glad I came across your blog and I read it all up immediately. It was reassuring to know that what I feel is completely normal and I also got loads of information and much needed advice.

A little about me - I live in India and I have a 3 year old daughter whom I love to death. I am a full time working mom (work from 7AM to 7PM), feel terribly guilty everyday when I leave home to work.My Husband and I live with my parents, so my parents look after my girl while I am out. I am so lucky, they take care of her better than I do and I dont have to worry a bit about her :)

I resumed work after she turned 1 and we both went through difficult times adjusting and getting used to being without each other.Slowly it became a routine and she was fine when I was at work. The time that I spent at home (Evenings and weekends), she would cling onto me, want me to do everything for her, play with her, she would cry if i went out without her...I just loved it. Everything was so perfect. I mean, a working mother's biggest fear is that her child will not need her anymore. But that was not the case with me and my other friends who worked quite envied me.

Of late ( last 3 weeks to be precise), my daughter does not need me as much as used to. She is ok with anyone handling her (feeding, taking her to the bathroom, changing clothes etc). there are times she runs to my mother for things that earlier she wanted only me to do. No matter what she always wanted me to sleep with at night. But now she snuggles up to her dad while I lay down alone wishing for her. I HATE the fact that she does not need me anymore. Its not that she wants to be independent or something, its just that earlier whatever she wanted only me to do, she is now Ok with anyone doing it. She is a sweet little girl, she is lucky to have both sets of grandparents around who absolutely adore her. This time when we went for the weekly visit to my in-Laws place, she wanted my MIL to do everything for her. I am sad and feel like any other member in the house. I used to feel so special when she wanted me always and now it does not matter whether I am around. She is just happy with who ever is there. I feel so terrible, but i cannot think of quitting my job as I cannot afford it right now.

There have been such phases earlier but did not last for more than 2 days.I am so low and sad. I want my daughter to need and want me..

The Answer:

Dear friend,

I really feel your sadness and I’m so sorry for your situation. I’m guessing that your daughter is pulling away for two reasons. First, she is getting a bit older and more independent in general, and second, she is accepting the truth of her life. You are a person that she sees for only a few hours each day. I believe that children always have a special bond with their mother and a longing to be near them. I think she misses you a great deal. But she has learned to accept her life and she is very blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love her. When you think about it, you wouldn’t want your daughter to be so devoted to you that her everyday life was continually sad and miserable.

Is there any hope of changing your situation? These years with you are precious and passing quickly. If not, you’ll have to accept the fact that your daughter needs to divide her affection. If she senses that her love for others hurts you, it will be unfair and confusing. She’s just a wonderful little girl—functioning in the life she’s been given.

I really feel your love for your daughter and that you don’t like your situation. I hope it can change and you can be with her more of the time.

With Love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Mother's Day

2010-05-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

It’s Mother’s Day. I woke up this morning thinking of you—of your humble, sincere questions and of your beautiful children. I thought about how you’ve blessed my life—how happy I am just knowing that you’re waking up this morning to your children….again. They’re young—most of them and don’t know how to really honor you today. They might make a card for you at church. They’ll give you hugs and kisses. If you’re lucky, your on-the-ball husband helped them buy you a gift. But, truly, they don’t understand yet what you are to them or how to adequately honor you. You are like breathing to them—as natural as air. They don’t understand yet that your love is shaping their life—that your constant presence is what makes them feel safe as they explore the world.

My sister, Judy, died many years ago and left five children—ages 15 down to 3. I was expecting my first baby when she died. Seeing that little row of children sitting in front of me at their mother’s funeral was the most heart-breaking scene of my life. She had been a wonderful mother. She had fully devoted herself to those little children and now she was gone. It seemed unbelievable that most of them would not remember her and how she loved them. And it’s true. Her daughter Chris was 10 when she died and years later, she had only a few isolated memories of her mother. But each of the five children have turned out to be wonderful people and exceptional parents. They have her dry humor and wise perspective. Many people have had a hand in their lives, but I know that Judy’s love was there during their most formative years. The mother they can’t remember shaped them and set their course for life.

Most of what you do each day for your little ones will not be remembered. They will definitely thank you some day and feel genuine gratitude. But they won’t recall a fraction of the daily experiences you’ve given them—the time you cut their sandwiches into heart shapes, the nights you read two extra stories even though you couldn’t keep your eyes open, the day you walked out to get the mail together and noticed the crocuses popping through. Last year, my daughter Marlee sent me this poem on Mother’s Day. I think you’ll enjoy it.

The Lanyard

By: Billy Collins

The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly—
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that’s what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light

and taught me to walk and swim,
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift—not the worn truth

that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hand,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

Nothing will ever make you even. There is no gift or card or expression of gratitude that will hit the mark—the “thank you, Mom” mark. But today something happened that came close. My son—sixteen years old, blessed the sacrament for the first time. I was sitting so close that I could watch his clean hands break the bread. I heard his mild voice say the words to the prayer. In this filthy world, he is worthy. He honors me with his clean life. It’s all I want from him. Our eyes locked for a few moments after he sat down and there weren’t words to frame my love and gratitude—for him, for the Savior’s emblems, for the gospel that guides us together. No Mother’s Day geranium was needed.

So accept the many silent honors your children bestow upon you each day. When your 2-year-old shares a toy, when your daughter speaks oh so gently to the baby, when your son picks up all of his cars cheerfully. Those honors will increase in magnitude as the years unfold and there will be echoes of your efforts even in the lives of your grandchildren. Your careful acts of love and teaching that seem at times to evaporate into thin air, are actually settling and sinking in and they will all bear fruit in time.

The world honors you today. I do too. But in their own unique little ways, each of your children honors you best of all.

With Love,

Jane

What To Do About More Complex Problems?

2010-05-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I guess I still don't get it. I don't have a clear picture of what your discipline looks like. I liked the example that you gave of your child coming home late, and thinking about how you would want to be treated if you were late- it makes sense, and I have been able to apply it to some situations at home with great success. But, I get stuck when it gets more complex- like one kid saying something hurtful to another, or when the older kids aren't willing to allow the younger kids to play with them or share with them. Or when someone back talks to me. Then what? Please help me to understand. I want to do better. I have so many questions- but this one is at the top of the list! Thank you!

The Answer:

Dear Friend,

I wish I had a blueprint or a manual that would cover every situation. I remember longing for one of those myself! But I haven’t found one and I couldn’t write one. It’s your privilege to decide what the climate of your home will be and how to create it. My suggestions are really just general principles to guide you in that process.

Let’s look at one of your concerns: When older kids aren’t willing to allow the younger kids to play with them.

You’ve identified that as a problem in your home. You know that you could force the older kids to play with the younger ones—but that won’t work. It will breed resentment and contention. You could set up a reward system in which older children earn points for including younger ones. That would solve the problem on a superficial level, but again, you would be policing and orchestrating the situation. What you really want is for your children to care about each other on a deeper level--enough that they would feel bad leaving one another out. Encouraging and building those feelings in our children is possible—but it isn’t done overnight and it demands deeper thought and prayer on your part.

Spend some time thinking and praying about the situation. Actually, all the concerns you talked about fall into the category of love and respect in your home. The climate in your home is bothering you and you want to change it. Know that the Lord wants you to succeed and he will inspire you with ideas. I’ve been amazed again and again at the inspiration that begins to flow into my mind when I humbly seek it—insights that I would not have had, solutions that were so much simpler than I thought. The solutions fit my family, my personality, my situation. Some examples of this type of revelation might be:

I see that I am part of the problem. The way that I am speaking, acting or treating my children is not modeling the behavior I’m hoping to see in them.

I see that one of my children is needy—discouraged or overlooked and therefore crippled when it comes to giving of himself in the family.

I feel impressed to talk to my older children about my vision for our family and enlist their aid in accomplishing it.

I might really see the point of view of my older children and have the ability to sympathize with their position when it comes to younger siblings. When they feel understood and accepted, they naturally become more generous.

I might feel inspired to temporarily set up that point system I discussed earlier, as a way of turning the tide and raising awareness.

The general principles that I use involve teaching and loving, instead of continual discipline for failure. These principles are especially effective when it comes to teaching love in the home. It’s ironic when children are spanked for hitting or sent to their room for isolating a sibling. Creating a loving environment, encourages love. You model kindness when you speak kindly. You teach patience when you are patient. Most teen-agers who are disrespectful, are often spoken to disrespectfully, forcefully, and in ways that belittle.

I have often told my children over the years that this is our home, our family. We knew each other before we came here and we hoped we’d be friends. We get to decide how we want it to be. I think it’s very important to keep the larger picture in view for everyone to see, to shoot for the ideal.

And one last thought. When it comes to love in the home, my greatest asset (besides the Lord) is my oldest child. Enlist their aid. Give them lots of special attention and help them feel the weight of their role in the success of your family. They very often set the tone. As our children have left one by one, the next child steps into that role and becomes a great strength to us as they mature personally. I would start fostering that role and relationship early.

Going back to your original question, I don’t really think of this as a “method of discipline”. I don’t really discipline or punish. I expect and teach and do everything I can to create an environment that will bring about success.

With Love,

Jane

Discussing "Different" Parenting Views?

2010-04-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi, Jane.

I'm just wondering how you handled having "different" parenting views than those around you. Family size, discipline, preschool, babies... I think I'm a pretty tuned-in parent, but I have been more mainstream in some respects. But as I read your blog, and a couple others, it opens my eyes, and I want to change. And it all feels so right. And I get excited, tell my husband, begin implementing. And then I go to Enrichment (or Activities whatever it's called now). Anyway, everyone there agrees that there is "a world of difference between kids who go to preschool and those who don't." And all the areas could be hit, I think. Do you just keep your mouth shut? The thing is, I think I had my views before because that is what people around me talk about, that is what the books say, what the Dr. says. I think it's helpful to let people know that there are other parenting methods, just as a courtesy, not to judge or boss, but because they are probably only hearing about mainstream parenting. At least I wish people would have brought it up with me. But mostly, then I start to really question it again. Should I put my son in preschool? Ha ha. I just went to Enrichment tonight and it was an item of topic. How do you keep from getting wishy-washy?

Thank you,
Erin

The Answer:

Dear Erin,

What a good question--a good way of putting it. It's made me think about my early days of adopting this way of parenting. As I've mentioned, I was a "natural consequences" mother. When I read about this and gained a vision of it, I was excited to share it with my friends. But, honestly, I was met mostly with skepticism. People felt that it seemed permissive and inconsistent. They felt that children wouldn't know where they stood if there were not swift, steady consequences for bad behavior. I wasn't sure either. It was a new idea. I think this type of parenting requires a leap of faith because, on the surface, there are not immediate results. But, for me, I sensed a difference right away. I was no longer the enemy, but the advocate--and that position felt more comfortable.

My children who have been raised this way from the beginning are now young adults and teen-agers and they are pretty impressive people. So impressive, in fact, that I am often asked for advice on parenting from people who know them. I know that they are the way they are, largely because of this form of discipline. As promised in the book, they each have a strong conscience and they each have a warm relationship with us as their parents. We have almost no conflict in our home. In spite of that, many of the very people who ask my advice and see the results, really can't imagine that it could work. It's just very hard for them to relinquish that position of force.

You are just where I was 20 years ago--deciding to paddle against the current of the philosophies of the day. You're bound to meet with skepticism or even opposition. But today, I am completely secure in this because I'm completely converted. No one could persuade me to do otherwise. It feels good to come to a place in your motherhood, where you are more tuned in to your own children than to the voices all around you. And that can happen relatively quickly as you begin to experience the benefits of this type of parenting.

Many of the comments on this blog have addressed the topic of judging one another. While condemning is never a good thing, we do have the task of looking around and sifting through the many claims and philosophies that swirl around us and deciding what is really right for us--and that involves making judgments. In that process, many camps develop--"Love and Logic" camps, "Baby Whisperer" camps, "Natural Consequences" camps, advocates of preschools, mothers with opinions about when to start solid foods, potty training, kindergarten...I don't have to tell you this, right? Just prayerfully make your decisions and move forward with them. Let the debates carry on...because trust me, they always will. And they're good in a way. They just represent mothers trying to be good mothers.

The truth is, the more secure you are in your beliefs, the less defensive you will become. And as you focus on living it instead of explaining it, you will receive greater peace and clarity in the process.

All my love,

Jane

3 1/2 Year Old Not Potty Training?

2010-04-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

The Question:

My son Adam is 3 1/2 years old. He has had a speech delay and has only been communicating well for about three or four months. I have made a few feeble attempts at potty training him including one where he was given treats every time he used the toilet. He was willing to participate but took no initiative at all. After a week or so I got tired of training myself to take him to the bathroom. When we talk to him about using the toilet he says, "NO, change diapy!" He doesn't really care. What do I do? He is already big for his age. He looks like a five year old in a diaper. It is embarrassing!

The Answer:

Although he's on the upper end of the age range for potty training, Adam is still normal. It's hard to know exactly what his hesitation is. Because I didn't really experience this problem, I don't really have an answer. But I did a little google search "Potty Training Problems" and found a wealth of great ideas and information that apply perfectly. I skimmed over them and I'm sure you'll feel encouraged as you read. You're far from alone. This site was especiallly helpful.

http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-readiness-checklist_4384.bc

Just one little caution. Try not to be embarrassed. It's an unproductive and divisive feeling, Adam is really your only concern here--his success and well-being. As a young mother, it's easy to let your children's performance reflect completely on you and because of his size, he's probably often faced with high expectations. It's important that you stay on his side.

Good luck.

All my love,

Jane

2 1/2 Year Old Wild Man?

2010-04-26T08:34:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Mother Jane,

How great to have a mother to talk to! I have a little kid/little problem question. I am the mother of 5 young kids, 1 to 11 years. I thought I had babyness all figured out, then I had #4. The pregnancy was rotton, the sweet baby got up every hour, slept an hour, up an hour. He started getting sick at 2 months old and it has been one thing after another. For a while he would get better for 2 or three days, then sick again. He is the cutest little guy and so funny and we love each other so much. We kiss all day, but the little turkey is so smart, he can't stay out of trouble, he's got to be exploring ALL the time.

Recently, he became intrigued by knives. I found him sitting in the corner of the counter staring at the serated butcher knife. As he was petting the chrome blade, he knew I was there behind him and said said, " Mom, I love this knife, I love this knife, mom." A few days earlier, my 5 year old came running to me and said, "Mom! Josh (name has been changed to protect the unaccountable), is playing with the matches!" I go in the living room and he has dumped an entire box of matches of the floor and like 15 have been lit! What 2 year old knows how to strike a match! I don't even know how he got them, we have removed all chairs from the kitchen and they were on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard! Just after he went into nursery, I went to pick him up and I noticed three kids bleeding from face wounds. I asked what happened and told me Josh had "gotten them". I told the Primary President they had to call me to nursery so I could protect the other children or he couldn't go anymore.

This started just after #5 came home. They are only 15 months apart. The curiosity thing I can deal with. It's the hitting, scratching and pulling hair I am tired of. It has been intensly going on for a full year now. I have tried everything 100 times and he just doesn't care enough about the rewards/punishments/consequences to stop. I don't go to play group at the park because I don't want the other moms to cry when I pull up, I can't ask anyone to watch him because I'm afraid he'll hurt their kids. We have tried physically restrictive time-outs, "When you hurt us, you can't be with us" separation time outs, spanked him back, let the kids hit him back, pretended to cry because we were so sad, ignored it etc etc etc. Poor #5, he's the sweetest little boy, just one year old and he is either getting loved to death by Josh or wailed on by Josh. Please fix us. I'll even let you take him for a little while if you need to, ha ha ha........

Love,

Josh's Tired Mom

The Answer:

Dear Mother of "Josh",

Your letter reminded me so much of my good friend Cindy. She had three little angelic girls--just unbelievably perfect. I was raising my rough and tumble boys and I really felt that Cindy was a better mother than I was. I tried to copy her methods but, try as I might, my boys wouldn't just sit in a circle on the floor and quietly play or color. Then along came daughter #4--her version of Josh--the wildest girl I'd ever seen. She was cross, sickly, defiant and full of mischief. I'll have to be honest--I felt much better after that. And I learned a lesson. Some children are, for whatever reason, much more difficult than others. I think the Lord uses them to humble us. They take us out of the comfortable routines of our lives and demand that we constantly employ new strategies. It probably doesn't seem funny to you, but I just laughed right out loud at "Mom, I love this knife. I love this knife, Mom". My friend told me about her nephew who was "Josh-like". His parents tried to explain to him that Heavenly Father wanted him to be good, and Satan wanted him to be bad. He said, "But I love Satan." Of course, the parents thought their son was possessed...but he's actually turning out well. Sometimes those tough children grow out of it fairly quickly--and other times, they're pretty challenging all the way along. But almost always, they turn out to be extraordinary people, if their parents don't panic and crush them with harshness. If "Josh" were my boy, I would:

1) Pray. I would pray for insight into his mind and for an increased ability to care for him. I would pray that we could connect with eachother and learn from eachother. I would just tell the Lord my feelings and struggles and ask for his help continually.

2) I would keep him under close watch. It's hard when you've had some relatively easy children, to shift into a more vigilant mode. But that's what you'll need to do. Assign family members to help out and teach them how to work with him...especially this year.

3) No surprise, I'd continue to shower him with love and reassurance. He was bumped out of the nest pretty early. He's still not much more than a baby really. It sounds like you're already doing this. But really try to connect many times a day. Look right into his eyes and make sure he feels all of your warmth and love. When he's in this mode of constantly being corralled or reprimanded, he can start to feel like he's "out of your circle" and that the baby is in. Little children who are as busy and curious and high-maintenance as he is, get used to receiving stern looks and glares from everyone--nursery leaders, family members, your friends--even strangers. Those looks tell him that he's bad and unloved. You can teach his siblings to smile at him often and look at him with love.

4) Be in a mode of continual teaching. Try not to let things escalate to where he's injuring someone or destroying something and has to be disciplined. I'm with you that I wouldn't drop him off at the nursery or at the home of a friend right now. It's too easy for him to develop negative habits and patterns. He's a full-time job for a while. Teach him appropriate behavior. We often tell children "no" without being really clear about what we want them to do instead. Have him practice little good behaviors like sharing, touching people's faces softly and gently, coming right when you call and then reward him. Praise even the tiniest success.

Mainly, you are in a mode of protecting him and others until he has a chance to mature. I've seen dozens of children who seemed hopelessly out of control at two, become really nice five year olds. You're a seasoned mother with a great sense of humor. You'll be successful. You'll be telling that knife story with a chuckle when he graduates from college. Keep that vision. Pray hard.

With Love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Babies

2010-04-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

We’ve talked a lot about love on this blog—about the importance of not just loving our children, but of making sure that they feel our love continually. Naturally that connection begins long before our children can understand the words, “I love you.” I believe that we begin making that connection before our children are born. New breakthroughs in science are proving that when an expectant mother loves and wants her baby, she emits high levels of serotonin which actually contribute to her baby’s brain formation. That means that when you feel excitement and pleasure just dreaming about your baby—your baby receives physiological benefits as he develops within you. What an astonishing thought! And of course when you take good care of yourself during pregnancy--eating nutritious foods, exercising and avoiding harmful substances, your baby is the recipient. I used to love taking a walk in the sunshine, breathing in the fresh air and feeling that sense of well-being that went deeper than just me.

When babies are loved and wanted before they ever come, they arrive with a great start. But I’ve come to believe that the first year of life is perhaps the most important one of all. I remember holding my own first baby for the first time—all the mixture of feelings—amazement, awe, recognition and a bit of inadequacy. Never had anyone needed me so much. He was all made out of…me. His skin, his fluffy hair, his little bright eyes. Here he was breathing, squinting around, trying to find food and I was what he wanted. When he was a few days old, I was marveling to my sister about how connected and intertwined we were—him needing to eat, me needing to feed him, how much he loved to be with me, how much I craved his feel and smell. She made a comment that set a course for my life as a mother. She said, “I read once that babies don’t realize that they are separate people from their mothers. As far as they’re concerned, you and he are the same person.” Yes. That’s exactly what it felt like.

For each of my babies, the first year of life is a time of very close, tight nurturing. They sleep near me (or with me), they bathe with me, they eat when they are hungry, I hold them when they want, they go where I go. I am definitely an attached parent. For each of our 11 children, I have basically given myself over to them for the first year. And through the years, I’ve read everything I could get my hands on about bonding. It’s just a fascinating subject for me. Imagine how excited I was when I stumbled upon a book one day at the library called, “The Biology of Love”. It’s written by a Dr. Arthur Janov who has developed therapies over the years to help people who got off to a bad start in life. He demonstrates in the book that during the first year of life, the brain is still very much in formative stages and that the parents complete the important connections that will last through their child’s life-time.

The book is intense but here is my best summation of it. I know it’s an over-simplification, but just tell me that it doesn’t make perfect sense to you. The brain is very complex but is divided into two hemispheres. One controls emotions and feelings while the other controls logical reasoning and thinking. When a baby is born, the logical side is dormant. It won’t kick in for about two years. But the feeling side is entirely active. A baby may not understand anything we say, but they are fully attuned to our voice, our expression, our smell, our touch. They cry and we respond—and as we do, we are building connections. The mechanisms in their brain that produce serotonin and dopamine are set. When babies are routinely neglected, there are whole sections of brain connections that are “pruned out” and unrecoverable. These babies grow up with hungers and needs that they can’t explain so they often turn to drugs or alcohol for relief. I realize that none of you neglect your babies to that extent. But I really believe that it’s impossible to give a child too much love or to respond too much in the first year. Dr. Janov points out that the process of nurturing a baby is labor-intensive but that we will put in the time now or later—now in building what he calls “a loved brain” that functions well and responds appropriately to life—or later, trying to understand and remedy problems from early neglect.

My sister’s casual comment was true. Our babies really are incomplete with only half of a brain—the feeling half. We provide the logical side until theirs is functional. It’s up to us to meet the needs that they can’t articulate or meet themselves. And it’s helpful to realize that they are not logical enough to have an agenda—to manipulate us. They only know that they need something, and often that “something” is just to be with us.

When a baby emerges from their first year with “a loved brain”—the feeling side of their brain fully connected and formed, the logical side of the brain begins to develop. Connections form between the two sides of the brain to create an emotionally healthy person. A person with a loved brain is more likely to be able to form strong, meaningful relationships throughout his life, to cope with and solve difficult problems he will encounter in life and to have a deeper ability to perceive right and wrong—because he understands and “feels” the impact of his actions on others.

I believe this. There is evidence of it all around us. And while it may seem like a burdensome bit of information, it is, for me, truly freeing and motivating. I am free to love my babies without reservation. And I am doing everything I can to insure a happy life for them. I know they’ll have hardships and difficulties as we all do. I can’t spare them those things. But I can give them their best chance to handle those things well.

I was talking to a young mother in our ward a few years ago. She was frustrated because she hadn’t done a thing for three days except hold her 2-month old baby—who was unusually fussy. The house was falling down around her and she couldn’t get anything done. I shared some excerpts with her from “The Biology of Love” and reassured her that though it didn’t seem like it, she was doing something permanently good as she rocked and soothed her baby. Later she told me how helpful that information was—that it had really changed her perspective. That’s what I hope this is for you—just a deeper understanding of the role you’re playing.

Over my lifetime as a mother, I’ve seen a quiet, concerted movement aimed at separating babies from mothers. In our society, women are cautioned to look after their own interests first. Modern methods encourage mothers to teach their babies to soothe themselves—that the ultimate success is to make your baby as independent as early as possible. Why is that success? A neat compartmentalized life doesn’t work with babies. Their needs vary from day to day and their deepest needs are often met at inconvenient times.

I know that you’re picturing a mother run ragged trying to meet the demands of her new baby as well as the rest of the family. But it really hasn’t been like that for me. I’ve found great personal pleasure in that first year and a deep sense of accomplishment. My husband is wonderful with babies—and I think it’s partly because I’ve shown him how to enjoy them. My other children have learned (without any formal lessons) that babies are precious and wonderful. Babies uniquely bind a family together. One of my favorite memories was bringing our seventh baby home from the hospital and laying him on my bed. The children all came in and gathered around. One of them said, “It’s like he’s a little fire and we’re all getting warm.”

Sometimes I want to say to young mothers: “Throw all the books away and follow your instincts.” Tie that baby on and take him with you. Don’t dole out love in measured doses. Just make it as natural as air. Kiss, snuggle, smell, whisper to, caress that baby all that you want to. Picture their little brain lighting up and thriving.

I’m including two pictures with this post. These are two of the few pieces of art that I own. The first you might recognize as “The Responsible Woman” by James Christensen. I love that with all of her other responsibilities, her baby is cradled in and content.

The second is a statue that my son Nick brought home to me from his mission to Bolivia. I guess he knew what I would love! I love how simple and primitive this relationship looks—no car seats or strollers or swings or fancy nursery—just this essential mother/baby relationship that transcends worldly trends and trappings.

Of course, this “immersion in love” that takes place in the first year, naturally segues into the loving approach we’ve discussed as our children grow older.

If you are still reading, you deserve a medal! This post has been a small book. But I hope there is something in it that will encourage you forward in this great work. Ezra Taft Benson, in summing up the ten ways a mother could be effective in her child’s life, ended with this jewel.

“Tenth and finally, mothers, take the time to truly love your children. A mother's unqualified love approaches Christlike love."

Here is a beautiful tribute by a son to his mother:

"I don't remember much about her views of voting nor her social prestige; and what her ideas on child training, diet, and eugenics were, I cannot recall. The main thing that sifts back to me now through the thick undergrowth of years is that she loved me. She liked to lie on the grass with me and tell stories, or to run and hide with us children. She was always hugging me. . . . And I liked it. She had a sunny face. To me it was like God, and all the beatitudes saints tell of Him. And sing! Of all the sensations pleasurable to my life nothing can compare with the rapture of crawling up into her lap and going to sleep while she swung to and fro in her rocking chair and sang. Thinking of this, I wonder if the woman of today, with all her tremendous notions and plans, realizes what an almighty factor she is in shaping of her child for weal or woe? I wonder if she realizes how much sheer love and attention count for in a child's life."

Sheer love. I like that. And let me just add, at the risk of sounding patronizing—that I love you as well. Through the miracle of blogging, I’ve visited many of your homes and seen your babies. Each of you melt my heart. Good, good things are happening out there! Thank you for your dedication to this process.

All my love,

Jane

Name Of The Talk?

2010-04-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

The Question:

I was reading the post 'Family Planning' from March 10, 2010. At the bottom of the post you quote Dallin H. Oaks and said that he gave a talk saying how many children should we have...as many as we can. I would love to know the name of that talk.

The Answer:

Thanks for the question. I didn't pull it up the article when I wrote my post, but this is the exact quote: "How many children should a couple have? All they can care for!"

Here is an excerpt from the talk, given in General Conference in October of 1993:

Knowledge of the great plan of happiness also gives Latter-day Saints a distinctive attitude toward the bearing and nurturing of children.

In some times and places, children have been regarded as no more than laborers in a family economic enterprise or as insurers of support for their parents. Though repelled by these repressions, some persons in our day have no compunctions against similar attitudes that subordinate the welfare of a spirit child of God to the comfort or convenience of parents.

The Savior taught that we should not lay up treasures on earth but should lay up treasures in heaven (see Matt. 6:19–21). In light of the ultimate purpose of the great plan of happiness, I believe that the ultimate treasures on earth and in heaven are our children and our posterity.

President Kimball said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (Ensign, May 1979, p. 6). When married couples postpone childbearing until after they have satisfied their material goals, the mere passage of time assures that they seriously reduce their potential to participate in furthering our Heavenly Father’s plan for all of his spirit children. Faithful Latter-day Saints cannot afford to look upon children as an interference with what the world calls “self-fulfillment.” Our covenants with God and the ultimate purpose of life are tied up in those little ones who reach for our time, our love, and our sacrifices.

How many children should a couple have? All they can care for! Of course, to care for children means more than simply giving them life. Children must be loved, nurtured, taught, fed, clothed, housed, and well started in their capacities to be good parents themselves. Exercising faith in God’s promises to bless them when they are keeping his commandments, many LDS parents have large families. Others seek but are not blessed with children or with the number of children they desire. In a matter as intimate as this, we should not judge one another.

President Gordon B. Hinckley gave this inspired counsel to an audience of young Latter-day Saints:

“I like to think of the positive side of the equation, of the meaning and sanctity of life, of the purpose of this estate in our eternal journey, of the need for the experiences of mortal life under the great plan of God our Father, of the joy that is to be found only where there are children in the home, of the blessings that come of good posterity. When I think of these values and see them taught and observed, then I am willing to leave the question of numbers to the man and the woman and the Lord” (“If I Were You, What Would I Do?” Brigham Young University 1983–84 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1984, p. 11).

Read the full talk here.

I hope this is helpful!

Jane

How Do I Help My 15-Month-Old Sleep In Her Crib?

2010-04-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

We're posting a question today, and a Letter from Jane on Monday. She just wanted a little more time to construct this letter about babies and bonding...it's going to be good. (no pressure though, mom:) -Natalie

The Question:
Dear Jane,

I really felt like I had it all together before my daughter came. I thought I would be firm, and that she would sleep in her own bed, and that I would schedule her feedings. Then she came, and she just didn't want that stuff. And it just didn't feel like a good idea anymore. She had acid reflux (we didn't realize it for a couple months) and hated sleeping in her bassinet from day 1. So I let her sleep with me. I fed on demand. I tried to "attachment parent." And it's been amazing, really. She is so, so happy and secure, and just a delight. The only problem is bedtime.

I have read SO many sleep books, and almost all of them advocate some form of crying it out, saying I'm doing her a disservice by not making her soothe herself to sleep. And maybe I am. She is 15 months old, and I still nurse her to sleep. She really hates her crib. She cries and screams, and I'm convinced she feels abandoned. I've tried rocking her to sleep and laying her down after. She wakes up most of the time, or just doesn't sleep very long. I am tired. She wakes up a few times a night still to nurse. I feel like it's doable, though.

I'm just not sure what to do. I feel like I need to get my little girl's sleeping under control. At the same time, I don't want to damage my relationship with my sweet baby that I am totally in love with! Oh, I love her. I just want to make sure I'm not hurting her sleep long-term. Oh, I wish I could see how everything would turn out! In my head, it seems as if her feeling attached, nurtured, and secure is the most important thing. But will she be an insomniac? These are the questions that plague me.:)

Thank you,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

It seems like bedtime/naptime struggles are some of the most common problems for young mothers. I know that trends have really changed over the years, but for me this whole process was fairly simple. I'll put it out there for your consideration.

I nursed each of my children for the first year. At that point, my doctor assured me that cow's milk was fine for them, so I gradually got them to take a bottle. (None of them took bottles while I was nursing them.) At around one year old, I would put my babies to bed every night and down for their naps, with a warm bottle. Once they were converted, they loved their bottles, so they always went to bed easily. I never gave them bottles except when they were going to bed--so a warm bottle and bed was a happy, positive thing. I also never gave juice bottles (too hard on teeth.)

Because I've received so many questions like yours, I decided to ask some of my other “old experienced mother” friends and they agreed—that’s what they did too. In the past few years, it seems that this method has fallen out of favor. I’m just not sure why. Most of my friends agree that their children had few cavities. One friend was more vigilant about brushing and none of her five children who took bottles have ever had a single cavity. Only one of my children had braces so I don't think it's an orthodontic issue. Maybe there is a study I'm not aware of that discourages the practice, but all I know is that it took a lot of the stress out of bedtime. And everybody seems to have turned out pretty well so far.

When they were three or so, I would take them off of the bottle so I could potty train--also very easy at that late age, and move them into a toddler bed so they could get up at night to go the bathroom. This transition was typically pretty painless. So, there you have it—the “old-fashioned, no fail, everybody’s happy” way to put children to sleep.

Let me also assure you that what you are doing now--nursing your baby to sleep and responding to her cries--will not turn her into an insomniac or damage her sleep patterns for life. You sound like a wonderful, nurturing mother but your baby has had an excellent start and it's time for you to get some sleep!

All my love,

Jane

Understanding Boys?

2010-04-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

The Question:
Thanks for your uplifting blog and great insights. I figured it’s about time I asked a question, so here goes:

I have two boys, ages 9 and 7. I love them to pieces but lately, I am becoming so frustrated with some of their obnoxiousness: the potty talk, laughing at stupid noises, sloppy behavior in dress and chores, showing off for friends, and just in general acting stupid! One of my boys resists work by asking stupid questions, “What’s a room?” “What’s clean?” “What’s a broom?” in an annoying voice. Another has shown amazing proficiency at chores in the past, but now resists work at all costs.

Ironically, I used to teach a bunch of Primary boys that age when my own kids were younger and I’d get so annoyed by the same types of behaviors. Of course, I vowed my OWN BOYS would never behave that way, yet here we are. =)

Please give me a little perspective on how boys this age think. Is most of this stuff just temporary and best ignored, like a toddler’s tantrums? Or should I intervene more and work harder at teaching appropriate behavior?

Thanks!

Christina.

The Answer:

Dear Christina,

I loved this question. I just laughed right out loud. You really captured that age and stage perfectly. I actually have thought a great deal about this issue over the years. I think it's more important than it might appear.

Your boys are at a stage where they are discovering their own humor. I think a mother can go a long way to help them in this endeavor--and encourage some patterns that will last for years to come. I usually have a talk with my children at around this age that goes something like this.

"I've noticed that you are getting a good sense of humor. That's a great thing because everyone likes funny people. But we have a few rules about humor in our family.

1) It can never be crude. Crudeness isn't really funny. It's just crude. It isn't clever and it detracts from the spirit in our home. Here are some things that I think are crude: Vulgar noises, bathroom humor, talk about boldily functions, anything sexually degrading, certain terminology. (I don't like the words "butt" or "sucks" or "crap" or a few others. You'll have to decide what's acceptable to you.)

David Bednar said, "Because the Spirit cannot abide that which is vulgar, crude, or immodest, then clearly such things are not for us."

I recognize that this stance is almost outrageous in today's world where almost every children's movie is steeped in crude humor. But our children can be taught to find this humor offensive.

2) It can never be at the expense of someone else. Cutting remarks may seem funny, but when they injure another person, they show a lack of character. We simply don't hurt people with our humor.

3) Humor cannot be smart-alecky. (Your sons remarks about "What's a room?" fall into that category.)

After laying down those rules about humor, I am pretty tenacious about upholding them. "Remember, we don't use humor that way." I try to teach them by laughing at their appropriate humor (even though it's only marginally funny at this age) and sharing fun stories that I know they'll enjoy. By taking the time to work with them and develop their humor and personality in a positive direction, you are preparing them to be respected and appreciated throughout their lives. Because, let's face it, many people seem to stay "stuck" in that grade-school humor forever.

All of that being said, I admit that I don't fully enjoy children between the ages of 9 and 13. They are a little bit annoying to me--the way they want to tell you a whole movie in detail, their drama, their chitchat. Don't get me wrong, I never stop loving my children or attempting to keep the relationship strong. But I'm always so relieved when they arrive at 14 or 15. They become truly clever and intelligent. I completely enjoy them at this age and beyond.

You're a great mother with a lot of insight. Good luck with this new little challenge.

With Love,

Jane

Getting My Husband On Board?

2010-04-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Question:
Dear Jane,

First off- thank you so much for the time you spend on answering so many questions.
I really admired your letter to your readers. I really want to focus more on my relationship with my children as opposed to just disciplining like you wrote about. My question for you is how do I get my husband on board without sounding like I am nagging and wanting him to do things "my way"? I have been wanting to talk to him about changing our disciplinary ways with our children for a few days now, but I can't seem to find the right time or words to express to him how important this is to me. How did you and your husband work together?

Thanks,
Jamee

The Answer:
Dear Jamee,

It was kind of a funny thing with us. When our oldest children were young, my bible was "Children the Challenge" by Rudolf Dreikurs. It is based on natural consequences. It made sense and I had to train my husband in all of its ways. We would sit around and brainstorm about appropriate consequences for various offenses. We got pretty adept at natural consequences, but as I've mentioned before, I felt uneasy about the "outward vs. inward" motivations involved. As I became converted to the loving approach and became more and more excited about it, I had the job of convincing my husband that we needed to scrap the old method. He was really skeptical-- because in theory, it sounds permissive, inconsistent and ineffective. But I started using it and pointing out the successes and little by little, he became a believer.

I'd have to say though, that even after all these years, we're really different in our styles. Neither of us are harsh but we don't handle things in exactly the same way. I think that's ok. Children really seem to adapt to and even benefit from those differences.

I suggest that you just ease into new ways of doing things and discuss them as you go along. Explain the theories behind a loving approach and then try it out. My good friend has recently had to go back to school, and her husband primarily cares for the children. She told me that one day her husband was trying to resolve a conflict between two children. Instead of punishing the perpetrator (which he would have done before), he focused on the injured child, assuring him that no harm was meant. The guilty child looked on for a few moments, then ran forward and apologized--on his own. The father was surprised and excited to see this apology without any outside prompting. He began to catch the vision of the whole approach.

It's not a change that can be made overnight. But as you both see positive results and talk about them, you'll likely move in this direction together.

All my love,

Jane

Whining Children?

2010-04-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

The Question:

I just recently found your website and I love it! I have already learned a lot. I was wondering what you do about whining? I have three children 6, 4 and 2 and our 4 year old is the worst whiner of the bunch. Whenever they get told no about not getting to do a certain activity right at that moment or no they can't have a snack because it is almost dinner and every other time they get told "no" they start to whine, whine, whine and ask why. There seems to be nonstop whining in our house. How do we get them to stop and learn to accept that no means no and to move on with their day without whining about it?

Ashley

The Answer:
Dear Ashley,

I sympathize completely with you. I just can't tolerate whining (or screaming). I would start today to eliminate it.

I would begin to attack this problem by focusing first on myself. I would be absolutely certain to never give in when they whine. If your children are whining continually, there is a good chance that you are occasionally rewarding it. They've learned that it's worth a try.

I'm sure that you've addressed the problem directly with your children. It's always helpful to discuss these issues at a time other than when they are occurring. Play a little game. Have a cupful of Skittles and tell them that you are going to have a lesson about manners. Have them ask for an Skittle politely and then give them one. Next, have them ask and you say, "No, I'm sorry. Not right now." Teach them to say. "OK, Mom". When they get it right, praise their wonderful manners. Do it again and again and then try some different scenerios. Each time that you say 'no', have them say, "OK, Mom". This teaches them your expectation and gives you a reference point when you experience an actual situation. "Remember...what do you say when I say no?" Of course they won't catch on overnight, but keep working at it. I might even keep a jar of M&Ms handy and for a week or two and give them one whenever they say, "OK, Mom".

Sometimes it takes very focused, concerted effort to change a bad habit. But children usually respond well to positive teaching. We occasionally go through a phase where it seems that everyone complains when I ask them to do something. Then I know it's time to bring out the "Sure" jar. (It's especially impressive because the label came off of my deodorant so it looks very professional.) I put in an M&M whenever I make a request and a child says, "Sure!" with enthusiasm. When I feel that we've turned things around, they get to divide up the M&M's. Maybe you could have an "OK, Mom" jar.

This advice applies to so many situations. Just teach with a positive spin. I predict your home will be "whining free" in a couple of weeks. Or at least you'll see some serious progress. Don't forget to pray for help.

All my love,

Jane

Very Attached Little Girl?

2010-04-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I'm just loving this blog! I've really appreciated your posts explaining your more loving approach to discipline. I have tried to keep these principles in mind lately when parenting my two kids (aged four and two). However, there are some situations with my four-year-old daughter that I'm not sure how to handle.

My daughter--while very independent and well behaved when attending preschool, primary, or dance class--always acts very clingy to me at home. I cannot leave the home at all without her crying for me and begging for me not to go. These are all situations where I would be leaving her home in the care of my husband. My husband is really a great, gentle, patient, fun father. Once I can finally tear my daughter from off my leg and leave the house, she is totally content and happy the duration of my absence.

Bedtime is the only other instance where she exhibits this same behavior. We have quite an involved, well-entrenched bedtime routine: bath, pajamas, four books, teeth, prayer, song, story in bed, one-on-one talking, and finally a stretched-out painful goodnight! I generally like the routine and am glad that we spend this time together each evening; however, with only two kids (we want to have more) this routine can take a couple of hours every night. My daughter is tired at this time of night (Mommy is too), and she insists that only I do every aspect of the routine. Normally this is fine, but at times I need Daddy to step in to brush teeth or read stories. If my husband has to do anything she cries and is very emotional. Once a week I have a Young Women's meeting that requires me to leave in the middle of bedtime--and it can be quite emotionally draining on me. However, once again, once I am out the door she snaps out of it and is perfectly happy for my husband. The only obstacle is literally peeling her off my leg so I can leave! Also, each night after laying with her, talking, singing, telling a story, and praying with her (sometimes spending up to 30 minutes with her in bed) she still cries when it is time for me to leave. Interestingly, when my husband does put her down to bed she happily kisses him goodnight and doesn't put up any fight.

I know it is normal for a child to still be fairly attached to her mother at this age (again she doesn't do this type of thing when I drop her off at preschool, primary, babysitters, or dance). I know she has fun with her Dad and enjoys spending time with him. It is just that he is more efficient at bedtime and gets the routine done quicker, where I will linger on things and it is easier for my daughter to stall going to bed when I'm in charge at night. My husband and I kind of think that she is using crying (emotions) on me, because she knows I am generally more receptive to her emotions. Basically these tactics work on momma not on daddy, so she doesn't really try them on him. Anyway, these situations can be tiring at night, and I'm not sure how to be firm but still loving when I feel that she is being a bit manipulative (such a strong word to use when describing a four-year-old's behavior, but it is the most fitting description I could think of).

Thank you so much! I look forward to your reply.

Caitlin

The Answer:

Dear Caitlin,

It's taken me a while to answer this question--so long that it might not even be a problem for you any more! Usually, this kind of problem is pretty short-lived if you downplay it. Just peel her arms off gently and say, I'll be back soon, then leave without delay. If you reduce the drama, it often loses it's effect.

Another thing that I often did with children of that age, was practice. Some time when you aren't leaving but you're feeling especially close, talk about the problem together. "Remember how sometimes when I leave, you cry and won't let me go?...Why is that?" If she can articulate her feelings at a time when emotions are not high, she might feel more understood. Then practice with her. Take turns being the mommy who is leaving. Show her how to give you a kiss and say, "Bye Mommy! See you soon!" Once she gets it, do it again and again, praising her. Tell her that the next time you leave, if she can do it right, you have a treat for her. Carry some little treats in your purse for a while.

The night time routine does seem a bit manipulative. Children hate to go to bed. That parting is so painful for them and they try to draw it out as long as they possibly can. She prefers you because you're willing to spend this extra time. My suggestion is that you follow your husband's lead and shorten up the routine. Just move cheerfully from one chore to the next despite her protests--'just two books each night" and when you lay by her, only stay for two or three minutes. You have seen that no matter what you do, she cries for more. So just be kind but consistent--but be on the same page with your husband. In our home, my husband was the story-teller at bedtime and oversaw most of the bedtime routine if he was home. It gave him time with the children and I usually had a baby to care for. Maybe you can let your husband take that over if he's willing.

It's a problem that will blow over before long on it's own, but hopefully, these suggestions will help that along. Good luck.

Love,
Jane

How Do I Keep An Eternal Perspective?

2010-04-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I am writing this to you as I sit in a locked bed room at the very end of my rope. Despite the irrational feelings of despair at the moment, the question I am about to ask you is tireless and something I wonder about even when I am myself.

How do you keep an eternal perspective and stay cheerful even when you feel like you are being horribly let down by your family? Whether it be housework, picking up after oneself, bickering, and just plain old “helping out.” I cannot expect my family to be perfect but I find that a lot of times I fall into the “little red hen” syndrome in that I tow the line 90% of the time. Then I feel used, under appreciated, the only one that cares and on and on. It is a self pity party that I cannot even stand. I never did like martyrs so when I feel like one it is not a good place to be.

Oh, we have done all the usual natural consequences, chore chart, reward system, etc. etc. When they work they work well, and when they don’t they don’t. It is ebb and flow for sure. But on a day to day basis I get tired of reminding, nagging, asking nicely, and just plain pushing to get the little things done. I have great kids. I feel lucky. I have a great husband. I feel like I won the lottery most days when I think of my family. The days of joy outweigh the days of woe.

I know the problem is mine and my perspective. So, how do I stay cheerful when I have to remind? How do I stay cheerful when they are fighting? How do I stay cheerful when I am let down? How do I put this all into perspective and stay cheerful while I choose my battles and not take everything soooooooooooo personally???? How do I just plain let go and enjoy these years in all of their imperfection?

Anonymous

The Answer:

I know. This is really hard work. Sometimes, just knowing that, helps. I don't play video games but I understand levels and that each level demands new skills, and usually a person dies several times before they master a level. But they just keep at it and gradually become proficient. So it is with motherhood. Each child, each stage brings new challenges and there's no magic trick. You just stay with it. You keep teaching children to work, teaching them how to treat one another, and keep expecting good things of them.

But you are wise to recognize one of the great keys to joy--an eternal perspective. And I'm not just talking about the life after this one, I mean the whole thing--5, 10, 50 years from now as well as in the world to come. It's the ability to see "afar off" as Peter puts it--to lift your eyes above the chaos of everyday life and see that you are creating something meaningful and lasting. When you make a chore chart and really stick with it, it's more than just a way to keep the house clean. It's teaching children skills, responsibility and order. When you patiently work with your children (again and again) to resolve conflicts with each other, you are teaching them to be good spouses and parents. Without this perspective, you might get the feeling that you're not getting anywhere. Your efforts are so slow and tedious and "undone" that they are almost invisible to the untrained eye. A long range view involves faith and hope. It is envisioning results that haven't happened yet--like imagining eating an ear of fresh corn while your down in the dirt planting.

But it isn't all about long-range perspective or focusing on some future joy. Peace and happiness are possible in the "planting" season. You just have to recognize it for what it is--a season of growth for all of you. Enjoy it. You're children will never be these ages again. You won't be able to cuddle up with them, gather them around you and read, clean the whole house together. I had 11 children. I now have years and years ahead of me to knit in my quiet house if I want to. You will too. But try to fully enjoy this journey. I absolutely love looking at the blogs of my readers. Blogging seems to focus a mother's mind on the here and now--the immediate fleeting moments of life. They are about searching for and capturing the profound in the ordinary.

So say a prayer for strength, unlock the door and step up to this challenge. This is hard but doable and you'll want to have done it well. At my stage, my children express gratitude almost every day for the childhood I gave them--and it was all pretty ordinary. But I kind of miss the days when it was a thankless job because it was truly selfless service---a kind I'll never be able to give again.

All my love,

Jane

Preschool and Routines?

2010-04-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I really enjoyed your first "Letter" about discipline, and can't wait for your input on caring for babies. I've also been curious about your opinion on pre-school, as you once mentioned you had some specific feelings about it. I would love for you to elaborate on that. I'm also just curious about what a typical daily/weekly routine would look like for you with small children at home. I have a 3 year old and a 16 month old and I often wonder if I'm striking the "right" balance between housework, playing, teaching, going to playgroups, and finding "me" time. Did you tend to have a predictable weekly routine with specific activities specific days (and daily routines as well) or did you plan as you went along depending on what you felt like that day/week?

I am a very social person, and tend to be involved in 2 playgroups outside the home during the week, and sometimes have friends over here an additional day - this keeps me thriving but I also sometimes wonder if it's more important that we create activities and routines at home with just us. I have also considered working some formal "preschool" time into our routine with my 3 year old, but am not entirely sure how or where to start. Anyway, I welcome your thoughts and experiences!

Jeanine

The Answer:

Dear Jeanine,

Thank you so much for your great question. I can remember very well my early years with children. There always seems to be that nagging question lurking in the back of our minds, "Am I doing this right? Should I be doing more to prepare my children for school? Shouldn't there be more structure?"

The most wonderful, freeing realization you can have as a mother, is that you are creating a world for your children. When you tune in to their needs and key off of them, instead of what your friends and neighbors are doing, or even what the experts are saying, you will experience a new level of pleasure and confidence as a mother. I hate to say too much about it because, it's really up to you!

Some of my children loved drawing and crafts. When I noticed this interest, I would set up a little table for them and provide simple supplies and piles of paper. I made a shoe box for their best work and was amazed at the hours they would spend drawing, coloring and cutting things out to put in their box. Other children were not at all interested in crafts. They might enjoy digging or building with legos. One of my children loved animals. I couldn't get animal library books fast enough and we gradually built a collection of plastic animals. I've always had a chest full of dress-up clothes and I love puppets. Nothing needs to be fancy or expensive. But little children thrive when we feed their interests. I've always steered away from commercial fads--like action figures. I like to keep things simple, real and creative.

When it comes to preschool, I think it's completely unnecessary. I know it seems that if everyone else is sending their children to preschool, yours will be socially and academically stunted if you don't get on board. But these are precious, wonderful years. Those little three and four year olds are sponges like they'll never be again. Their ABC's are nothing. You are teaching them real life lessons--always in a context of faith. Listen to these inspired words:

"We become enamored with men’s theories such as the idea of preschool training outside the home for young children. Not only does this put added pressure on the budget, but it places young children in an environment away from mother’s influence. It is mother’s influence during the crucial formative years that forms a child’s basic character. Home is the place where a child learns faith, feels love, and thereby learns from mother’s loving example to choose righteousness. How vital are mother’s influence and teaching in the home—and how apparent when neglected!" - Ezra Taft Benson

I have participated in play groups and cooperative "Joy Schools" over the years, but nothing academic. Each child has loved kindergarten and has been very successful. I knew that some of their classmates could read before they started, but I didn't care about that--unless my child showed great interest in letters and reading. Then I supplied little workbooks.

Besides their individual gifts and interests, your children will almost certainly share yours! If you love music, so will they. If you're a naturalist or an animal lover, your children will pick up on those interests. I majored in English and love poetry and books. Each one of my children share that love and are gifted writers. That bond has brought me great joy over the years. In the world you create for your children, you will discover the unique gifts your children come with and the talents that you all share. You don't have to follow lesson plans or color visual aids to make this happen. And you certainly don't have to drop them off somewhere. Just love them, enjoy them, and let them emerge in their own way.

Rather than structure and schedule the whole day, choose a few daily routines that you stick to. I loved the way my sister Susan would get all of her children ready for their day right after breakfast. After they were dressed, she would comb their hair, wash their faces and put a little vaseline on their cheeks. They just looked shiny clean. I always shot for that lofty goal and occasionally, I made it! Every day after lunch and before naps, my friend Lisl, chooses a picture from the gospel art kit and teaches the story to her preschoolers. She loves that time with them. These daily rituals establish order and build security. You can prayerfully decide what things are important enough that you will do them every day.

I love this role. I get to paint my walls and schedule my days and decide what matters. And while I can get ideas and inspiration from others, I love that ultimately, it's up to me. Is there really any greater opportunity for creative expression? I hope we can each fully appreciate and take advantage of this great trust and blessing.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Turning to the Lord

2010-04-02T18:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

My heart is tender tonight as I write to you. I just have one thing that I want to communicate to you and I want you to absolutely know it. There is no book you’ll read or blog or expert or philosophy of man that begins to approach the help available to you from the Lord. He is real and he loves your children.

It is possible to go about your life as a parent without ever turning to the Lord for help. You can rely on others—or on your own thoughts and ideas. But I want you to know that the Lord is fully engaged in the success of your family. He knows your children entirely—their strengths, their struggles and their mission in life. He loves them with a perfect love and can offer you clear insights that are tailored to each one. These insights come in many forms, but I have learned to recognize them and once I receive one, I move forward with a perfect knowledge that it will benefit my child.

For example, let’s say that I have a 3 year old that is physically aggressive. Maybe it’s a growing problem and I’ve tried a number of solutions to no avail. Lots of people offer suggestions and I begin to wonder if my child really has a serious problem. In a humbled state, I ask the Lord for help. Or as Nephi so often did, I “cry to the Lord” for help on their behalf.

For me, answers rarely come while I am on my knees. But as the day—or the next few days progress, I will receive help.

Most often, this help comes in the form of understanding—I will be able to see just how my child is viewing things—his perspective. Children rarely think the way we do as adults so this insight helps me get to the root of the problem.

With this broader perspective will come an idea or several ideas that will formulate into a plan. I’ll feel an excitement to carry out this plan—knowing that it came from the Lord.

I will almost always experience a softening of heart toward my child. His strengths will seem more apparent. I might even have feelings of awe toward him—and a new tenderness.

Along with these insights, I will find that I am expanded personally—my patience, my wisdom and my ability to meet the challenge. And this is good because some of these challenges are not going to be over soon or solved in a day. You might have a child with a disability or some other ongoing struggle. Only the Lord can offer you the long-term help and enabling power you will need.

Listen to this great promise: “…if it so be that the children of men (we, as mothers) keep the commandments of God (agree to have children and are trying to raise them in righteousness) he doth nourish them, and strengthen them and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them.” (1 Nephi 17:3) Knowing this, we don’t ever need to feel isolated. We can know without any doubt that we will be helped, inspired, and expanded in every situation.

Many women struggle with feelings that they don’t have time to grow spiritually with all the demands of motherhood. But this process of praying for help, expecting it and acting on it, will build a “living” faith that will become your anchor. When really hard times come—and I’ve had some, and so have you—you will not feel alone. Because you really aren’t.

Besides these specific petitions for help, I encourage you to begin each day with prayer. I know that sometimes your days start before you’re really ready for them. You wake up to a crying baby or a needy child. But as soon as you can-- and maybe it will just be for a minute or two, go into your room, close the door and say a prayer. I guarantee you’ll feel a wash of peace. I have long had a routine of saying my morning prayer when I make my bed. I hum a hymn or primary song while I’m making my bed (opening song) and then I pray.

I am just an ordinary person with extra weaknesses and pettiness and struggles. But I’ve learned over the years that mothers have power with the heavens. The Lord seems quick to honor a humble mother. I know and testify that “I can do all things through Christ, which strengthened me.” Philippians 4:13

With all my love,

Jane

Brushing Teeth?

2010-03-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Question:

So I have a 20 month old daughter. For the longest time brushing her teeth was a breeze-even fun almost. I'd give her a toothbrush with toddler toothpaste and she'd suck it all off (of course) and then I'd go in with my own tooth-pasted toothbrush and actually do some brushing. Lately though, she'll want both toothbrushes to suck on, and clamps down refusing to let me anywhere near her teeth. I know it's really important to brush her teeth, but I can't seem to get her to understand that and let me help. I've tried singing songs and getting her to say 'ahh' but every time the toothbrush comes near her mouth, it shuts. I get so angry that today I actually had to walk away and make my husband do it. Help?!?

-Emily

The Answer:

Dear Emily,

Tooth brushing is not my very best area. I am in awe of parents who are faithful and whose children have no cavities. I've tried to follow a good bedtime routine. My very best success came when I hung a little chart in the bathroom with our night time routine on it. The children would move their magnetic little animal up the chart as they accomplished each of their bedtime tasks: get a drink, go to the bathroom, brush teeth, read a story, say prayers, stay in bed. If they did it all for five nights in a row, they would get a prize. Maybe that would work for you. The "brush teeth" part would just be part of the routine.

I was at the home of a large family the other night. The whole family was watching TV and, one by one, the little children would lay down on the floor while their mom brushed their teeth (using children's tooth paste). She just sat down with her legs straddled and they would just lay there in turn while she had a great view of their mouth (dentist style) and brushed. Wow. So great. The kids seemed fine with the whole process--just watching TV!

Usually these little rebellions are short-lived if you gently push through them and avoid power struggles. I try to help my children feel in control of the situation. "You decide how much tooth paste. You tell me when we can start. You put up your finger if it hurts." Maybe it's something real, like a little sore gum or a canker sore.

Hopefully one of these suggestions will help, and I look forward to the other ideas our readers will share.

Much love,

Jane

Nap Time?

2010-03-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

The Question:
Hi Jane!

I am a stay at home mother with three young children (7,4, & 2). I have a question! We are transitioning our 2 year old son to sleeping in a toddler bed. As with our other children, the change at night has not been difficult. There are all those wonderful bed time cues, not to mention the darkness, to make it clear that this is bedtime. When it comes to nap time, however, it has always been a struggle to make the change with each of our kids when they were the right age. Instead of napping our son gets out of bed and wanders around the room getting in to things. There aren't toys in the room, just the beds and dressers, so there isn't much exciting to distract him, but still he wanders and plays instead of sleeping.

Of course, when he napped in the crib he would often play happily for a while before sleeping also, but he did sleep within a reasonable amount of time. Now he is putting off sleep for so long that I become uncertain whether to move him back into his crib for his nap (but that might teach him to play every day until the 'real' nap time arrived) or just ride it out even though some days that means a skipped nap.

He has always been a really easy going kid, and he does not usually fight sleeping (unlike some other children I've had!). He is a sweet boy, such a joy to be raising. I just need some ideas of how to help him adjust to nap time in a toddler bed.

Do you have any ideas or advice for how I might teach him that nap time is for sleeping, even when he is in a bed that he can get out of?

Thank you!
Becca

The Answer:

Dear Becca,

Good question! I think the thing that makes nap time tricky, is that as children grow older, their sleep needs change. They seem to be in a good routine and then one day, they just won't go to sleep. The two suggestions I have for you are 1) go ahead and put him in his crib for nap time. He'll learn that it's this bed for naps and this bed for nighttime. 2) put some books and quiet toys in with him and let him play (as you have been) til he falls asleep. But if, after 45 minutes or so, he hasn't fallen asleep, then he really isn't tired. Just plan on an earlier bedtime.

It sounds like he's a wonderful little boy and you're a great mother. I love how you're really tuned in to him and care about his feelings. I think parents run into the biggest sleep problems when they force children to cater to their routine instead of figuring out what works best for their child's changing needs.

With Love,

Jane

Should I Be Worried?

2010-03-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Questions:

Hi Jane,

I just found your blog and am so glad I did. I have an AA in Child Development and have found your answers so satisfying on what I believe is the right way in child rearing. So despite all this I still worry constantly about my child (it's always so much different when it's your own). My 2 1/2 year old I've noticed is such a follower. When we go to the park he just watches the other kids and then does what they do. Once when camping my friends little guy wandered into some bushes and my son followed. The problem with that was that my son isn't as advanced as other kids his age. He didn't walk till he was 18 months and doesn't get around as well as his peers. So when he follows others he often gets himself into precarious situations. So I know that some kids learn by watching others but my main concern is how do I help him become more independent. I'm worried that if he stays a follower that it could lead him to trouble when he's a teenager and bad choices are around.

My second concern is that he idolizes another mom (my best friend to be exact) and although I love her a lot, I feel jealous when my two year old goes to her for more juice or for whatever help he needs. And she's very helping so maybe he just sees her as a helper I don't know. Even in his prayers he'll sometimes forget to say thank you for momma but he rarely needs prompting to say thank you for the other mom. Perhaps it's because she is his best friends mom. I have 2 classes that I'm taking this semester and I really just want to be home with my son and my baby (he's 9 mo). Is this behavior happening b/c he doesn't feel that I'm there to help him? I'm just really confused and could use some encouragement and ideas.

Thanks so much and keep up the great blog!!

Sincerely,
Anonymous

The Answers:

Dear Anonymous,

In the situations you've described, I want to put your mind at ease. Your son is very normal and will outgrow both tendencies. Just keep a close eye on him while he's two and three so he doesn't wander off. But he will gradually assert more and more of his own independence as he grows. Maybe he's just very social!

In the case of his seeming preference for your friend, that's ok too. I've come to value every person who plays a positive role in my children's lives and to enjoy their special relationships. Your son has probably figured out that your friend caters to his needs more than you do (like a grandma). But over the long haul, you are his anchor. Especially, during this hectic time in your own life, be grateful for the extra ring of support.

Hopefully you'll be home full-time soon as you'd like.

With Love,

Jane

Financial Concerns and Family Planning?

2010-03-29T09:27:00.001-07:00

Hello! This is Natalie. Just a few small items of business:
First, Thanks so much for visiting! My mom and I have been gushing to each other all weekend about the comments you've left, the nice things you've written on your blogs, and just the number of people who have taken an interest in this site. It really makes us happy, so thanks!
Second, We have a whole slew of questions/answers to post, so we will be posting all of them today.
And Finally, we will probably start posting "Letters From Jane" about once a week. We're thinking question/answers on Mondays, Letters on Fridays...but we'll just see how it goes.

Now on to more important matters...

The Question:

My question is about finances. At the present time we only have two children and I am wanting very badly to have a third (all 2 years apart). However, the economy being what it is, my husband's company has no plans for up-grading (he is a pilot) in any near future. He took college classes as long as he could, but now this summer we are facing THE STUDENT LOANS. It cost a lot to be a pilot and the looming debt feels like it is about to crush us. Usually pilots are only first officers at a regional airline for a couple years but we are well into year 3 and like I said, he still has 800 people above him before he can become a captain.

We bought a duplex two years ago since we knew things would be tight (the loan officer actually said, "Well, you'll make more money eventually, right?" haha). I don't mind living here - it is small but not as small as it could be - but even with that, we barely make ends meet. If it weren't for tax return season, we'd be sunk. I often feel torn about doing something like child care to earn extra money, but I feel like my hands are full as it is - then add another child of our own (which I want so badly)...

What is the balance between faith and using your own judgment? When he makes captain it will double our income and that is just in the first year so I don't want to limit our family when I know things will get better... Some day. What were some of your experiences in this area as you added children to your life? And what are some of your tips for budgeting/money managing? Do you have any recipes or food ideas you would share that have helped stretch your dollar?

Thanks as always,

Rachael

The Answer:

Dear Rachael,

This, I'm sure, is going to sound very irresponsible, but we never considered finances when having our family. It just didn't factor in. We paid for our first couple of children with student loans! For some, we had great insurance, for others, we scrimped by. When we had four children, we went back to school for a PhD and lived in a basement apartment for a while (and had another baby). We had an agenda--having a family--and we just moved ahead with it. Things always worked out. We've taken criticism for this over the years, but I think that when you're sure of yourself, when you really know what you want, and when you have a sense of purpose about your life from an eternal perspective, you can weather all the obstacles.

Little children don't really know when things are tight. Their needs are so simple and their satisfaction so easy to achieve. By the time we were making a good living and bought our first home, we had five children. We've gone on with financial ups and downs over the years. When we've had the money, we've taken some wonderful vacations, when we haven't, we've gone camping. The money end of things has always been my husband's worry. Mine was creating happiness out of whatever we had.

We often shopped at thrift stores and garage sales. It's a fun family activity and my daughters have become geniuses at finding wonderful things for almost nothing.

I cook from scratch. Over the years, I've developed a system of grocery shopping that saves a great deal. I keep a stock of all the basics which I replenish when they go on sale. So the only things I usually buy weekly, are dairy and fruits & vegetables that are in season (and therefore cheaper). And if one of my staples-- for example sugar or chicken breasts-- is on sale, I stock up. When I make out a weekly menu, it only includes dairy products, fresh produce and a few random items like tortillas or hamburger buns. So I'm always paying the minimum for everything and I'm accumulating a good, usable food storage at the same time.

I keep a three ring binder with my family-tested recipes on full pages, by category in page protectors. That way, I never have to go hunting for that pancake or french bread recipe. It encourages me to cook inexpensively. Those are some of my practical ideas.

Of course, everyone must consider their own situation and chart their own course. But this is my story. And I want to assure you that if you want a child and are feeling the urge to have one, you can. I wish you all the best in this important decision.

All my love,

Jane

A Letter From Jane: Discipline

2010-03-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

What a great experience it’s been so far, connecting with you on this blog. I feel like I’ve met so many wonderful mothers. I love your comments! They fill in all the gaps in my answers and it feels like, together, we create solutions that are real and complete. I wish we could all get together somewhere.

I’ve decided that occasionally, I’m just going to talk to you—without answering a question. I feel like, in some ways, the ‘question’ format leaves gaps and may cause confusion. So, once in a while, I’m just going to lay out an idea for you. For example, we’ve never discussed babies—how to truly nurture a baby. I feel that this is basic and key to our success as we teach our children later on. I’d love to hear your ideas on early bonding, and as you’ve probably guessed, I have a few of my own. So that will be one of my topics.

But because so many of your questions have focused on discipline and my answers create a somewhat incomplete picture, today, I’m going to lay out my whole philosophy on that subject. This “laying out” will include bits and pieces or things you’ve already read in my answers but, hopefully, will create a more complete picture.

Motherhood took on a whole new meaning for me when I adopted a more proactive approach that was based on some basic goals. The two goals that I have as I raise little children are 1) to preserve and strengthen our relationship and 2) to develop their deep, inner feelings of right and wrong. When your children emerge from these early years and become teen-agers, you will want to have firmly established those two things. It isn’t the easiest method of parenting. It takes constant thought and focus. The focus is on building a strong bond of love, helping children to succeed at what you ask them to do, and teaching instead of constant disciplining.

Physical discipline is destructive when you consider both of those goals. Not only does it damage the relationship, but it absolves a child of responsibility for what they’ve done. They have paid for the crime so there is no need to feel sorrow for it. At best, it is a deterrent—and if our goal is just to produce acceptable outward behavior, then it’s useful. The motivation will be fear of punishment. But our goal is to develop our child from the inside out—the motivation being a desire to be good.

Living by rigid natural consequences can also be counter-productive for the same reasons. This is where my philosophies might become confusing. Shouldn’t we provide a consistent environment where there are always the same consequences? Sometimes. I love structure and routine. I think they build security. But when our children make mistakes, our focus should be on teaching them, helping them to repair any damage and fostering their own feelings of sorrow.

It’s hard for me to watch parents who hold their children to high standards of accountability at an early age. The Lord is very clear that little children are without sin. He doesn’t hold them accountable for sin until they are 8. Why do we think that a 3 year old should pay for their sins? They’re young, with brains that are not fully capable. They don’t think or understand things the way adults do—even though they may be very smart. We are teaching them every day how to obey. Hopefully, they are getting better and better at it. Sometimes, they have bad days, or even a bad week or two. They move from stage to stage, and for some children, these transitions are difficult. Our role is to love and teach them through.

Success is defined by moments—I call them amazing moments—when we see our child respond to their own feelings. Here is a recent example. My daughter Natalie was driving home one evening with her husband and all the boys. They had planned to stop for pizza but changed their mind. Four year old Jack was disappointed and started to cry. He continued crying as they drove home and said “I don’t love you, Mom.” Natalie didn’t reprimand but realized that this had been a big disappointment for Jack and continued home. Later, without saying anything about Jack’s behavior, she made smoothies for the boys. While Jack was drinking his, he said, “Mom, I’ll never say I don’t love you any more.” This is an amazing moment. It may seem small but it represents a great deal. Jack was not forced to apologize. His gesture sprang from his own heart. He realized that he had been wrong all on his own and he repaired it. The two goals we talked about came in to play—Jack’s love for his mother and the development of his own conscience.

Children, as they grow, have an innate sense of right and wrong and they feel a level of discomfort when they misbehave. When we are kind to them-- when we don’t make them pay for their mistakes, they feel uncomfortable until they do something about it.

Keep in mind that Jack is four years old. His mind is much more developed than a two-year old. And while you may see some of these “amazing moments” in your 2 or 3 year old, they will become much more frequent in later years.

You can kill this sensitivity in your children if you are in the habit of using harsh punishment or discipline. It may take a while for their consciences to respond on their own once you instead take the time to help them really tune in to it. Ease up on the way you discipline, avoid force. Don’t frame things up with consequences “if you do that one more time….” but instead take in the situation, figure out what you are trying to teach, and patiently keep teaching it. You’re not allowing your child to run wild, but rather very actively taking the time to know your child and lovingly helping him to grow in positive ways.

For children between 18 months and 3, the emphasis is on teaching and loving. Don’t engender anger. Try to avoid this. Just shepherd them patiently through these irrational years and learn to love and appreciate their wonderful, joyful little ways. Hold them close and read every day. Play their games. Gently enforce limits without terribly high expectations. Some of them are so precocious that we think of them as little adults—especially oldest children, but the “logical” side of their brain is not even close to fully developed. The biggest myth and mistake of parents of 2 and 3 year olds is that “if I let them get away with this now, they’ll turn into juvenile delinquents.” Instead, think, “when this child is five, he will have outgrown almost everything I’m worried about.”

When our son, Peter, was 2, he had a terrible habit of head-butting anyone holding him against his will. If you picked him up from behind, he would throw his head back and give you a fat lip. I remember when three of us had fat lips at the same time! He was also impossible to take into stores. He would just get overly stimulated by the experience and behave terribly. My sister used to joke, “It takes a village to raise Peter.” Fortunately, our family of 10 was a small village by then. I’d like you to know him now at age 8. He is purely delightful. Everyone who knows him, loves him. He’s well behaved and happy and never gives us fat lips and is great in stores.

When our daughter Marlee was 2, she refused to sleep in her own bed. She wanted to cuddle up to go to sleep. I didn’t know why—whether she was just scared or lonely, but it wasn’t a big deal to me. So I put a small mattress under the side of my bed and let her sleep there (or usually put her there after she had fallen asleep.) She’s in college now. She sleeps in her own bed. And to tell you the truth, I miss that soft little body curled up beside me.

My very wise uncle, who had raised a very large family said at the end, “I think the only time we really mess our children up, is when we become overly anxious about them.” A loving, accepting environment brings out wonderful things in children. Doesn’t it bring out the best in you? That’s why the golden rule is a good key. When you have to say no, say it lovingly. “ I know. I wish we could stay here at the park all day. But we have to go home and have a snack.” Then pick them up and soothe them to the car. In this way, even saying no can strengthen your bond. They feel understood and sympathized with rather than dominated.

These are the principles I have lived by for the past 20 years or so, and every personality type flourishes with them. I even work part time with wayward teens and I feel that the same principles apply. Love is light. Light helps everything grow. The difficult part is to stay loving through all the stages and phases and struggles. That’s why motherhood is a sanctifying experience.

Hopefully this has been helpful.

All my love,

Jane

Two-Year-Old Bully?

2010-03-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane,

I have a friend, Sue, who has a 2 year old that is rather spoiled. Sue is a very sweet and soft spoken person. She sometimes lets people walk all over her because of how non-confrontational she is. This is the case with her daughter, Kate. Sue gives Kate WAY too many warnings- I am of the Super Nanny school of thought, where you give one warning, and then an immediate consequence. (I.E. "If you do that again, I'm going to put you in a time out" and then follow through!) I've seen Sue tell Kate to do something, and warn that if she doesn't listen, then she'll have to go straight down for her nap... Kate doesn't listen, Sue gives MORE chances, and then when Sue picks up Kate to put her in bed, Kate immediately says, "I'm sorry" and Sue gives her that extra chance. So Kate has learned that she doesn't have to listen to her mom until she starts to take action. This has taught Kate that she can get away with a lot, because most of the time, her mom has zero follow through.

Here's how it affects us. Kate pinched my baby repeatedly when we were in the car together a few months ago. My son was crying really hard, but I was driving and thought he just didn't want to be in his car seat. As we were getting Kate out of the car, she admitted that she pinched him, but I didn't realize how bad it was. When I saw my son's arm in the dim light of the car, I told Sue he really had red marks, and Sue didn't really say much to Kate. (It really bugged me that that was all that happened, but I am not Kate's mom, and I can't tell Sue how to parent.) Then I got home into the light, and I burst into tears. My baby's arm had many red welts that later bruised. It looked awful. I myself am rather non-confrontational, and I didn't know how to approach the situation with Sue, because the time to punish Kate had already come and gone. Looking back, I should have asked Sue to see what was wrong while we were driving, but I just had no idea at the time, and months later, I still feel awful for it.

So I said nothing more, and my husband and I vowed to just always keep an eye out for our baby when we are around Sue and her family. Which we do, but now the problem is, I am terrified of Kate, and don't really want to spend ANY time with Sue, who I was really close with before this happened. What Kate did to my baby really creeps me out, because she had no problem repeatedly hurting my crying baby for 30 minutes. I understand that 2 year olds sometimes will hit, scratch, bite, pinch, etc... if they are provoked (if a toy is taken, if they are upset and don't get their way...) but I have NEVER met a kid who is content to hurt a baby who is clearly crying out in pain for 30 minutes. I know that Kate has also really hurt another baby in the past as well. It scares me that Kate has such aggression toward babies, and since my baby now crawls, it is harder for me to protect him from Kate as easily.

What can we do?? We love our friends, but I fear that we might lose the friendship, because I really want nothing to do with Kate. I'm sure at some point she will grow out of this, but for now it terrifies me to be around her, because I almost think there is something wrong with her. My mom thinks Kate should be evaluated. I know this seems like an exaggeration, but her behavior reminds me a lot of Maculay Culkin's character in the movie The Good Son. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Good_Son_(film) (There's the link if you're not familiar with it.) But basically, he is a twisted kid, who feels no remorse for his actions. (I.e. When Kate announced that she pinched my baby it was said very matter of factly. Like saying the sky is blue.)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. This incident happened months ago, and I have tried to just get over it, but I am having a really hard time doing it. Any suggestions would be wonderful.

Love,
Anonymous

The Answer:

Dear Anonymous,

Your letter captures so well the protective feelings of a mother. I think we've all been there! I've always thought I'd rather be injured, ridiculed, offended or snubbed a hundred times over than to endure the misery of watching my children go through those things. It's our commission, after all, to keep each of them safe from harm.I have evolved as a mother in many ways--but on this very issue, I may have experienced the greatest evolution. Before I preach a sermon, I will say that I think your first instinct--to keep the friendship intact and be vigilant about your son--is right on the money.

I'm sad to report that the experience you described is going to repeat itself a hundred times and in a hundred different ways over the course of your life as a mother. You'll watch your children suffer injustices large and small. Someone will bite them in the nursery. There will be bullies. Your child will be the only one not invited. Friends will turn on them and break their hearts. The hard part is knowing when to step in and how. I will tell you something that comes from the benefit of years and years of experience. Looking back, you will always be glad when you did the generous, unselfish, forgiving thing--when you took the high road, when you were able to consider not just your child, but the injuring party as well. There are several reasons for this.

1. It's Christ-like. If there was one thing the Savior set an example of, it was forgiveness. And he expects that of us as well--70 times 7. If we can be patient and forgiving with people even in spite of that "mother tiger" instinct we have to protect our children, then we experience true growth as a person. Outrage is replaced with peace and confidence as we formulate a plan that emulates the Savior.

2. We teach our children the greatest lessons of their lives. Now I know that your little baby isn't watching your example. But very soon, he will be. He will learn in church and at your knee about patience and forgiveness, but nothing will compare to the lessons you will teach him when he comes to you with a real hurt. We have a funny family story. My brother, Scott, when he was young, came in and told my mother that some older boys had taken his toy guns. My mother was mad at those bullies and said, angrily, "You go out there and you tell them that if they don't give you your guns right now, your mother is going to come out there and... (you get the idea) So Scott started out the door, but returned after only a few moments. "How about if I say "Could I please have my guns back?" He soon returned with the guns. It isn't always that simple. But aren't we here on earth to learn to "bless them that curse you" "do good to them that despitefully use you"? Our children won't be any better at that than we are. Now is the time to develop patterns of kindness.

3. I love a quote by Emma McKay, "A true mother is a mother to all children everywhere." I admit honestly that I have failed to be motherly to all children everywhere, but that quote reminds me to try. You might be able to play a positive role in Kate's life by working with her patiently and trying to connect with her. She's really just an irrational 2-year-old who may not be as malicious as you think. Your friend is probably frustrated and would appreciate your help and support. Try not to judge her. Just be a good friend.

I realize this answer is much more long-range than you bargained for. And it certainly flies in the face of our present "look out for number one" culture. You may fear raising a family of "door-mats" if you take my advice. But you won't. Your children will be more tender and outwardly focused. They will learn to resolve differences more intelligently. And this stance is consistent with the loving approach that you are using to teach them everything else in life.

Of course, being forgiving does not necessitate fostering toxic, damaging relationships. As our children grow older, we can help them to surround themselves with good, uplifting people as their closest friends while treating others with kindness and respect.

With love,
Jane

Screaming 4-Year-Old?

2010-03-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

The Question:

Hi Jane!!

Thank you so much for this great website. I feel like this method is what I have been looking for because constant time-outs are not working anymore. Anyways, my 4 year old daughter is starting to drive me and my husband nuts!!! She cries and screams about EVERYTHING!! If we say"no" about anything she throws a huge tantrum. The hard part is when we are out in public or with family or friends and we tell her "no" she starts screaming and yelling and I just don't know how to handle the situation. We have started losing our patience with her and it has made us angrier and in turn she gets angry back and yells, slams doors, etc. How do I turn this around before it's too late? I don't want her to act like this and I fear that a lot of it is because we have lost patience.

Thanks again for any advice! Really appreciate it!

Kelly

The Answer:

Dear Kelly,

Sometimes being a mother is so much like being a doctor. You see symptoms and you aren't sure if they're a sign of something serious or whether it's some small minor virus that will pass in a few days. Such is the case with your screaming child. Is she just going through a phase? Is she deep down discouraged? Or is she finding that screaming gets results? Since we can't be sure, let's cover all the bases.

Make sure that you are connecting with her in positivie ways throughout the day. Really pour it on. She's getting big now, so it isn't as natural to pick her up and cuddle her. But she still needs lots of affirmation and physical affection. You didn't mention other children--but four year olds can feel especially "put out to pasture" when the cute baby or two year old is always stealing the show. You can make up for that by developing a new and special friendship. Treat her, in subtle ways, like a peer--sharing little secrets, doing "grown up" things together and then overtly telling her much you enjoy your time with her. Lots of warmth and reassurance about her place with you.

Never reward screaming. Ignore it. Walk away. At the very most, say, "I'm sorry. I can't understand you. When you're ready to talk to me, I'll listen." Even when others are watching, just calmly say this or ignore her all together. Or if she's truly causing a disturbance, take her to the car and read a book in the front seat while she screams. When she finds that she gets absolutely nowhere by screaming--no reward, no attention (negative or positive), no bribe or blackmail or negotiating, no power at all, she will stop. It may take a few days.

The combination of these two stategies should really help. At some quiet, close moment, you can talk to her about screaming. "Remember earlier today, when you didn't get another cookie and you screamed?" Teach her that babies scream because they can't talk. But people just talk. Teach her very specifically what to do when you tell her 'no'. Practice together--each taking the part of parent and child.

Any time that you see her doing it right (handling "no" correctly) stop everything and praise her. "Wow! That was so great! I know that you really wanted that toy but you didn't scream even a little bit!" etc., etc. All the attention and reward shifts to the positive behavior.

When you know what you're going to do, you don't have to get ruffled or emabarrassed. Just carry out your plan and when she calms down, smile, give a hug and say, "I'm glad you're happy now. Remember...we never scream."

Good luck!

With love,

Jane

How Do I Breathe?

2010-03-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

The Questions:
Dear Jane,

My name is Natalie. It is 1040pm and I can't sleep as I reflect on my day with a 2 yr old, a 1 yr old and I am 20 days away from giving birth to our 3rd child. We struggled with infertility for 6 years and after 6 long years of waiting came a precious little girl by way of adoption, Whitney. Shortly after her birth we found out we were pregnant with our first biological child, Michael, who turns 1 this month. Having been told by my OBGYN that I still had about a 3% chance of getting pregnant after Michael, we found out we were pregnant with our 3rd child to be born this month. Whew!, I'm exhausted. I still totally and completely feel like a first time mom and when other moms with 3 children get together, I still feel like the "greenie" in the bunch to say the least.

A friend recommended your website and I read it with admiration for all the great advice, with wonder at what other moms are going through and with awe at the patience that everyone has for their children (or maybe it just sounds like that in writing.)

I have 3 questions for you along with a little background on each...

1. Like I said, it's 1040pm...I feel like this is the first time I have sighed a relief all day...as both my kids are asleep, my husband is asleep and the baby is kicking away. I feel like I hold my breath in anticipation all day. My shoulders hurt from the stress and I don't feel relaxed at all. I'm sure my children can feel the stress, but I just don't know how to relieve it. My 2 yr old (i have been told) needs to be put in Montessori school for discipline. Apparently in nursery, she can't drink out of a cup and is more rambunctious than the others. I can attest to her energy as I feel it at home all day long. I just don't know what to say to others as I am clueless as to how to hone all this energy myself. She is a fireball. I am on my toes all day long, rarely sit (really!) and cannot prevent enough accidents and problems. For example...I have NOTHING below the 5 ft mark in my house, she can open sliding doors (those now have dowels in them that she knows how to remove), all bathrooms have 2 locks on them, everything is kid proofed 2x's, I can put ingredients for cookies on the counter and I turn away to help child #2 (still in the kitchen) or to go to the bathroom with the door open and she'll reach the butter, smear it all over the bookshelf and books, have it all over herself in less than a minute. We have no chairs out, we use folding chairs and put them in a closet after every meal even before getting her down from the table. I fear leaving the house and even have anxiety going over to other people's houses when I know their child isn't as "crazy" as mine or their house isn't child proofed. I only go to stores where they can both be strapped into the seat (mainly Costco and the grocery store with the double seats.) People comment all the time about what a crazy child I have and it's not like I sit at home and teach her to bounce off the walls. I RARELY give her sugar anything and cringe when other people do. It is SO stressful to not be able to turn my back for a second. I feel like this relays to my 1 yr old. He has just learned to walk and almost keep up with her and he gets so excited to follow her and get into whatever she is into. He is a lot more low-key but is a little "follower"...if she is doing it, he'll attempt it, but he would prob. not do the same thing on his own. I am at a loss of how to "control" or hone her energy. People ask if I do playdoh or crayons or activities with her at home and I would love to but the mess and the struggle I have with her is not worth the energy and exhaustion and the mess. She is very strong willed and has learned from somewhere (because this behavior isn't taught or displayed by my husband or I) to kick, hit, scream, throw herself on the ground, etc...I don't know how to stop it. We use time outs and an occasional spanking with her for bad behavior. Because she is so energetic, strong willed and a go-go-go child...I do A LOT of one-on-one quiet activities with her like reading books, singing songs, learning the alphabet and numbers, teaching her whispering games, etc. My husband and I are pretty active but not loud or crazy, so I know that a lot of this is nature not nuture. Oh, what to do, I am at a loss? Bottom line for this question is...how do I take a breath during the day? How do I get to the end of my day without feeling like giving up? In hindsight EVERYDAY, I think, I should have been more patient, I should have tried this...but quite frankly, with a husband that has a job that is very demanding, I feel like a single parent and that I am doing the very best I can. As I am writing how crazy this is, I realize I am holding my breath...does it ever get easier?

2. With so many parents around knowing that I am a new parent with my hands very full, I often get caught in their trap when they comment on my rambunctious kids. I love my kids and as much energy as they have, I am EXTREMELY grateful for them, thank God every day for his blessings to us and I just cannot imagine not having them in my life. But when friends or neighbors or ward members see us chasing our kids around like chickens with our heads cut off and comment about our crazy existence, we often find ourselves caught up in the explanation and I often feel bad when leaving that I did not support or talk more positively about my children. For example, someone after sacrament meeting seeing BOTH OF US chase them around in the hall for the FULL HOUR...will say, how are you every going to do it with 3 this close? What are you going to do with that Whitney? or What are you guys thinking having kids this close? Birth control? or most of the time it's usually a negative comment about Whitney. Instead of not commenting or brushing it off...my reply usually starts off with a sigh as I corral one of my kids or am battling them on my hip, etc. I just wish I left people with an impression that this was easier, or that I enjoyed it more...or that they didn't encourage the sigh or the craziness they see at the start of a conversation about how hard my life is, it only exacerbates the chaos. Hmmm...this is a tough one for me. How do I show the very best side of me and my children and let people know that I really did sign up for this (maybe not all at once but HF is the only one with that control) and let them walk away not thinking that I am not cut out for this or don't want this?

3. My husband was in the construction industry before the economy went south. He had a great job and we were doing well. He lost 2 management jobs last year due to the economy and because of this stress, we made the decision after some thought/prayer to change his career path. He is now in management at a financial institution, a very different direction than we had hoped and probably not where we want to stay long term. That said, to make ends meet he commutes 2 hours a day (1 hr 1 way) and works ON AVERAGE 10 hr days. Most days he leaves around 6am and doesn't get home until 7pm. He goes to school on Saturdays all day and some weekday evenings. Our main family time is on Sundays or when I keep the kids up late to see him during the work week. I really struggle with not complaining (esp around my kids even though they might not understand) and maybe the pregnancy makes it extra worse, but I feel like a "single parent." I often have the thought in the back of my head, "is this what I signed up for?" I really am having a hard time with no breaks, expressing my love all the time with my kids and being patient and always being on my "best mom behavior." I feel like with no down time at all (i only get a shower if I get up when my husband is getting ready at 5am and take one because the kids are not on the same nap schedule as hard as I try) I have many a sleepless nights wondering how to be a better mom when I feel so depleted and quite frankly at this young age where they don't really express gratitude a whole lot...very under appreciated. I know, I know...woe is me. I always said in the 6 yrs we were childless that I would never take being a parent for granted and I would always love my children and have the utmost patience with them and I would look at mom's yelling at their kids in the grocery store and say...never, no never would I do that. And then just a month ago...big and pregnant, in one of those race car grocery carts, Whitney grabs the 18 ct eggs from the cart in front (which is so hard to reach, btw) and she just starts chucking the eggs across the aisle, at people, at food on the shelves...she got to all the eggs before I could reach her and manage to grab them away from her. I have never seen a bigger display, struggle or mess in a grocery store EVER. And my I lost my temper...yep, in front of everyone. And that wasn't the worst of it...the worst part was trying to get someone to help me, as I wrangled a terrible two temper tantrum on a sticky gooey messy, egg-y kid and try to calm my other crying child who had been pelted with eggs from his car seat. Whew...once again...I find myself holding my breath as I write this.

Well, now that you've read this BOOK...I wonder what advice you have for a crazy, losing her mind mom of almost 3. I do realize that things seem worse with pregnancy hormones. But quite frankly, I rarely leave the house with these 2 and I hyperventilate wondering how I will EVER leave the house with 3! I told my parents since the ripe old babysitting age of 12 that I always wanted to have 10-12 kids...my aunt and uncle in Utah when we were growing up had 8 and I thought it was the funnest, most amazing family ever and I always wanted to be just like them. Now, on my 3rd, I wonder how I will go on to 4...how do mom's do this? Is it my personality that can't handle this many? Is it just so much change at once that it's brought me to needing to seek psychiatric help? Is it the lack of support from my husband right now in his career and life? I don't know. All I know is that my dreams of having a big family are quickly being dashed and I look forward to a day when my children will be able to appreciate all we are going through to get them here and hope that they won't be traumatized from the quickness of having them all at once and so close together. Any help or advice would be appreciated. I am on my knees quite often asking these questions to my HF...but thought I'd ask you too for I love the encouraging responses from other writers/readers.

I'm hoping there are other moms out there like me, surely I can't be all alone...I know our story is unusual but not unimaginable. People often compare our situation to triplets and I can't help but thinking that that would be easier...weird I know...but at least they are all on the same page at the same time...or at least I think they would be. Is the grass always greener on the other side? My book is done. I will leave these questions to your great minds to answer or ponder. Thanks for your time.

Holding my Breath,

Natalie

The Answer:

Dear Natalie,

Before we talk about your life--which is extremely difficult right now--I want to tell you that I so appreciate your honesty and humility and your desire to be a good mother. You have a pure heart and I wish I could offer you what you really need--an assistant!

Your life is extremely challenging. You have a number of factors that make is so. I read through your letter several times and gave it a lot of thought and here's what I think. Yes, three children under 3 are challenging. An absent husband makes is doubly difficult. Financial worries add greatly to the stress. But I believe you could manage all of that if you could resolve your core problem--your 2 year old daughter. Her behavior causes you almost constant anxiety and embarrassment. Two-year-olds are known for their spunk and mischief but your daughter really seems to be taking it to a new level.

She is the person I'd like to focus on first, because I feel that if she becomes manageable, you will be able to ride out the rough year ahead. I'm wondering why she is so out of control. While you've given many good examples of her negative behavior, I'm not sure what is at the root of it. Was she a difficult baby? What are your feelings toward her? Does she connect at all or accept limits? Does she receive affection from you? I've thought a lot about what I would do in your position and this is what I think. I'd have her completely evaluated. Maybe she has some difficulties or problems that need attention. Discuss your concerns with a doctor that you trust and find out what he recommends. She was adopted and may have issues--genetic or in utero that need to be addressed.

Maybe you will find that she is just a very normal active 2 year old. If that's the case, then I would put my energy into forming a stronger connection with her and setting some simple, clear limits. It sounds like you've set up an environment (for your survival) that doesn't require her to control herself. You can help her to have tiny successes with self-control. Help her to feel competent and responsible even in small ways. Teach her continually. Teach her carefully how to drink from a cup, how to walk in a store, what things she may touch. Shower her with praise and physical affection. Don't just do things with her--build a bond of love. This process may seem exhausting, but it isn't half as exhausting as what you're dealing with now. You're spending all of your energy putting out her fires. Turn it around so you are in control and you're helping her to succeed.

She obviously needs great supervision. And this is not going to be an easy year for you. I've had a few of those "extreme years". But time passes. Your daughter will mature. Your husband will finish school and things will ease up. This is a year (or two) for hunkering down and giving your best. Your husband (and you) will find out what your made of. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. Let them think what they will and stop letting that add to your stress. This is your life, your family. True, it isn't the calm, unruffled life you had two years ago. It isn't the tidy car and house. It's much more meaningful than that--and therefore, much more difficult. Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.

Now, from a practical standpoint-- recognizing that you are in a state of emergency (a year-long state of emergency) you need to do everything you can to equip yourself to weather it well.

List everything that is hard about your life and brainstorm with your husband and pray together to find solutions.

Discuss each child and develop some positive plans.

Discuss ways to become as organized and stream-lined as possible.

Figure out how you're going to get out once a week by yourself, how you can have time together, what you can do for each other that brings real comfort and relaxation.

Find some outside support. Do you have any family members that can come in regularly to help you for a while? Don't be afraid to ask church members or friends. You won't always need support but for the next little while, I think you really do.

It helps to realize that this "extreme time" will pass. This isn't forever. It's a year or two. I think of the early pioneers who signed up for a long, arduous trek so they could wind up in the middle of nowhere and build something out of nothing. They signed up for two or three very difficult years in the hopes that they were accomplishing something great and worthwhile. They were! And so are you. You can do this, so believe that you can. Each of your small efforts are moving you forward. That great family that you knew in Utah and wanted for yourself-- didn't become "fun and amazing" overnight. That family developed over years and years and was the result of endless teaching and enormous sacrifice by a father and a mother.

I know from experience that the Lord will make you equal to your life. I very much want your success.

With Love,

Jane

Family Planning?

2010-03-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

The Question:

I'll be celebrating my 29th birthday in a few weeks, and my new husband and I (married almost 6 months) are starting to plan for a family. We have both always wanted a large family, but I feel slightly discouraged that I may not be able to have that many kids, considering that my "fertile and safe" years may be slightly numbered as I exit my twenties. My question for you is, what is your opinion on family planning (more, rather than less) for someone who has around ten years to have kids? Am I even accurate in thinking that I have about ten years? I've just always heard that one's risk for birth defects and complications are much higher after forty. I've also heard that it is "unsafe" for a woman's body to space children less than 18 months apart. How would you approach the goal of bringing children to earth if you were in my situation and stage of life?

No matter what, I am simply eternally grateful to Heavenly Father that he guided my husband and me to be able to find each other. The twenties can be so lonely and discouraging when hoping for an eventual companion. Even if we have one child, however that happens, I will be that much more grateful to have the opportunity of being a mother.

-Anonymous

The Answer:

Your question is a good one--and it gives me the chance to answer a few other questions I've received regarding family planning. "How do I know it's time to have a baby?" "How did you plan your family?"

My husband and I made the decision when we were married to let the children come. Even way back then, it wasn't the norm and we took some criticism as we pursued this rather "wreckless" course. But this was the church guideline at the time:

"We seriously regret that there should exist a sentiment or feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. We have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth that we may have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. Where husband and wife enjoy health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity, it is contrary to the teachings of the Church artificially to curtail or prevent the birth of children. We believe that those who practice birth control will reap disappointment by and by."

This, I think, is the guideline now:

"It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many chldren to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter."

The first directive is a lot more "directive" and it's easy to see--in a world-wide church, why the counsel was modified over the years. Now the decision is entirely between a couple and the Lord. I truly respect every couple's right to make that choice. I don't try to impose my decision on anyone--even my own married children. The decision is enormous and is yours to make.

But I will share with you my thoughts and feelings and the reasons for my decisions.
For me, the core doctrine that inspired both of the above statements, is very clear. We have a purpose on the earth--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. My choice to bring a baby into my home insures that this little spirit will be nurtured, loved and taught--that they will each receive every ordinance they need. But more than that, they will begin a new generation that is solid and committed. Each child will stand at the head of their own generation and I have the privilege to prepare them for that.

In that first statement above, I really appreciate the last line--that those who limit their families "will reap disappointment by and by". Disappointment is the perfect word. Not punishment or condemnation--just disappointment at what we might have had, and chose not to. These are the thoughts that have motivated my choice to have all the children that I can.

In the process and through the years, I have been richly blessed for that decision. I have seen each child as a direct gift and blessing from God--not as an accident. I've approached the Lord with confidence for help with my children and I've been blessed with ideas, resources and even miracles. Raising a family "unto the Lord" has made me feel a very strong and deep connection to him and a sense of purpose and mission that gives meaning to my everyday life.

I didn't come at it super qualified. I was the youngest in a very spread out family--so I had little experience with babies or homemaking. But I was willing--and if you think about it, a "willing heart" has always been the Lord's only requirement. I just gave myself over to the process fully. Today, I can hardly read the scripture "He who loses his life shall find it" without feeling like it was written just for me. In layers and layers of ways, I have found joy and fulfillment as a person. I could fill a book with stories and examples of tiny and huge experiences with my children. And it's truly been a wonderful venture and partnership with my husband. Our children are our joy!

The church's current statement on the subject is your ultimate guideline and it's perfect. It allows for people to consider their abilities and situation. It allows for couples to make unified decisions and respects their agency. Dalin Oakes gave an excellent talk a few years ago on the subject. He said, "How many children should you have?....All you can." And that number, for many reasons, is different for everyone.

If I were turning 29 and had some years ahead, I would fill them up with children. But that's me. It will be exciting for you to discover what the Lord has in store for you.

With Love,

Jane

Dealing with Loneliness?

2010-03-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Thank you for your blog. I just discovered it yesterday and it was so wonderful to read. It gave some solid ideas of ways to deal with my kids and things to think about as I drifted off to sleep about being a mom. I have 5 children, ages 15 - 4. My husband travels quite a bit and so I am used to being on my own in terms of parenting. I enjoy reading to my kids and being the one to always be there when they need me.

My question is this - How do you deal with loneliness?

I am not close with my own family or my husbands. Our ward that we live in has so many wonderful people, but as my bishop states - it's a great ward for acquaintances, not good friendships. I don't want to go into details, because I will not whine. We live in a nice area and there are so many good people here. I wish I had a friend that had kids my own kids ages and that we could depend on each other. I always do my callings, try to serve when I see a need arise, volunteer at my kids school, try to listen more than talk, etc. But I guess one of my trials in this life is to deal with loneliness. My husband is wonderful and I love to talk to him. He is my best friend, but sometimes it would be nice to share experiences with someone who is of my own gender. My good friends from school days live far away. Heavenly Father has heard many prayers on the subject and he always sends comfort and peace. I hear and see so many families and friends enjoying themselves and their relationship and I feel envious of that closeness.

Thank you for faith and testimony. I love all your references to the scriptures and our Savior. I think that all our struggles can be answered through prayers and scriptures. I just haven't found the answer that brings me peace to this problem. If you have any suggestions, I would appreciate it.

Amy

The Answer:

Dear Amy,

Is anything harder than loneliness? I think we've all experienced it. We move to a new place. We are tied down with little children. Maybe we're naturally shy. Or as you mentioned, we aren't blessed with a warm circle of extended family. Whatever the reason, it's a difficult trial. And many, many people struggle with it. A friend I've known for years and go to church with every Sunday confided one day that she feels very lonely and isolated--like she is on the outside. I was truly surprised. She seemed to have lots of friends--but in her day to day life, she felt alone.

Another friend of mine taught me a serious lesson a few years ago. She moved into our ward and I'll tell you now that it's a wonderful ward but not the easiest one to break into. It seems like everyone is related to someone--families that extend in every direction. People don't move often so they have longstanding relationships. So my friend didn't wait around for people to reach out to her. She organized a play group, got a book club going, invited people over, called around and invited a bunch of families to meet at the park on a summer day--(just bring a lunch and come.) It was last minute but I was shocked at the turnout. It showed me that a lot of people were really needing to connect--and maybe just waiting for someone to invite them. And I was amazed that my friend took matters into her own hands and made sure that her own social needs were met--while blessing many others in the process.

One time I taught a lesson on an interesting way to write a personal history. Several people wanted to learn more so I offered to host a monthly class. We would meet at my house, have a potluck lunch and share samples of our writing with eachother. Imagine my shock when over 30 people showed up! I really don't believe that all those people wanted to write a history. No way. They wanted to connect! I believe this is the single greatest insight I can give you. You are not the only person who feels lonely. The majority of people around you struggle with this to some degree and no one will ever be offended by an invitation (unless, of course, it involves multi-level marketing).

This may be painful, but you're going to need to become proactive. Sign up for enrichment classes. Let it be known that you're looking for a scrapbooking friend or a walking partner or someone to help you paint a room. Invite a couple to go out with you and your husband or call some moms and meet at McDonald's for lunch. Think about something you'd be really comfortable instigating-- then do it! My friend Marvel went through a painful divorce and moved to a new place after 20 years of comfortable relationships. When I visited her a few short months later, I was surprised to find that she already loved her new ward. She explained that on her first Sunday there, she signed up for every possible thing--mid-week classes, taking in meals, cleaning the church--all with the goal of making friends. It worked.

My personal favorite thing to do is to invite two or three families over on a Friday night. I tell them to each bring a game and a snack. It's never awkward because it's a good size group and doing it almost always leads to natural friendships. I do it fairly often.

Also, be open to "unlikely" friendships. Some of my closest friends are 20 years younger than I am. My running partner couldn't be more different than I am. On the surface, we have very little common ground--but walking or running together every day, we've discovered all sorts of similarities and have learned a lot from eachother. Now that I think of it, some of my closest friends through the years have been exercise partners. That hour a day really makes for some serious bonding.

In a few years, your children will become excellent friends--they're my favorites ever. One of the great benefits of loving and respecting them while they're growing up, is that they don't have anything against you when they're grown! You have some purely good friendships.

Don't pray for friends--pray for ideas and then act on them. The Lord wants our hearts to be knit together and he will provide ways for that to happen.

With love,

Jane

Frustrating Preschooler?

2010-03-05T12:52:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Hello Jane,

I just stumbled upon your blog by pure inspiration, truly! I have been reading it for the last 45 minutes and I already feel like I have learned a lot! Thank you! I do have a question though that I still feel unanswered after reading the section about disciplining with love. I am a "newer" mom. My oldest daughter is 3 1/2 and I also have a 1 1/2 year old son. Lately my daughter has been acting much like the woman who posted about her 7 year old (post title "Fostering Obedience"). I like what you answered but I still wonder how can I do unto someone as I would want done myself when they are 3 and don't comprehend what I am trying to teach? Where is the line where I stop cleaning her room for her because time after time, she lets me do it without helping and unless there is a fight, and doesn't seem to learn or appreciate what I am doing?

Here is an example, today she wanted some juice. I clearly told her, you may have 1 cup of juice, and if you are still thirsty you may have water after that. After she drinks her juice, she asks for more juice. She knows I will say no, but asks regardless. I tell her to, and offer her water. To no avail, she started crying. I got down on her level and explained what I told her already and to please make a good choice and just say "ok mommy." Instead, she just repeats "But I just want one more cup of juice! I dont want water!" she cried and cried so hard that she got to the point where she gets beyond any point where I can even reason with her, and I end up having to just send her to her room until she is done crying. Most of the time she just cries herself to sleep, repeating over and over "But I just wanted more juice!"

I believe in being firm and consistent, which is why I don't tolerate this behavior, but I feel like she just isn't learning. I always go in after and tell her I love her and ask if she understands why she was in her room, and we talk about it. I rarely raise my voice, and she still acts out like this. Lots of times, the fight will start all over again, because she won't agree or say she understands and just pleads her case again that she just wanted more juice!, and by the way, this is a new thing, which is why I am so beside myself on what to do. This week has been awful, and she has cried for hours each day over little things that we are usually able to work through together. Usually, she is a good listener and doesn't throw tantrums, etc.

So, back to the golden rule. As a 3 year old, how do I teach her how I would want to be treated when we are at such different levels of life understanding? Where is the line of loving or being a pushover and giving them whatever they want? Whatever I am doing, it does not seem to be working, as every day this week has been crying tantrums, and time outs, toys taken away, all after lovingly giving her chance after chance to make a better choice? Help with a 3 year old mind please!!!

Leslie

The Answer: Relax and Enjoy

Dear Leslie,

I appreciated your letter. Your daughter sounds like a very strong-willed and determined child. That type of determination can really blossom into greatness later on. I've raised a wide assortment of personality types and I have the wonderful advantage of having seen how the determined three year old turns out. They are a challenge to raise, but they know how to get things done!

Try hard to avoid all-out power struggles. They are destructive to your relationship and no one really wins. The word "avoid" is at the heart of the issue. Some parents almost welcome the power struggle and bring it on as a way of establishing their authority. They view parenting kind of like breaking a horse--"Once they know who's boss, they'll submit." Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. I believe children who are forced to submit, store up anger and often in their teen-age years it comes out in the form of rebellion. On the other hand, you don't tiptoe around your children trying not to rock the boat. You carefully choose the areas where you must put your foot down and then do it clearly. It sounds like you’ve been a very clear and consistent parent. But what happens when, even though a power struggle is the last thing you want, things always seems to escalate that way? I have some thoughts.

As you know, I've raised (and am still raising) a big family. I sometimes think the thing that made it easier, is that I didn't have the luxury of micro-managing my children. Their life was fairly loose. I don't remember even caring how much juice they drank. They were around five before I expected them to clean a whole room. They liked doing jobs because I didn't demand much. Later, as their attention span lengthened and their maturity increased, it was easy to teach them. Most of my interaction with them in the early years was positive and I made relatively few demands. Because there wasn't much to "push back" against, there weren't many tantrums. When there were, it was usually because they were tired or hungry or just "needy" for my attention.

I read once about an Amish community where parents just enjoy their little children and let them play outside and give them few responsibilities until they are school-age. Then they teach them chores and expect them to contribute. I like that. It gives me permission to do what I want to do--enjoy my children. I especially love 3-year-olds. I love to listen to the ingenious way that they put words together. It's so fun to teach them new things. I love how they light up. Just relax and know that her life will be loaded with 75 years of worry and responsibility, and so for the first three or four, you can let her thrive in an environment of love and acceptance. Just lower your expectations a little bit and know that maturity will solve a myriad of problems.

Let me share a personal example that illustrates my philosophy. Several years ago, my then 3-year-old daughter Marielle and I were invited to participate in a play group. We rotated houses. The host mom would provide a snack and the children were allowed to play—largely unbothered by us-- while the moms talked. I loved this play group! Marielle loved it too. No one even talked about rules. We solved the occasional conflict—but, overall, things were pleasant and nurturing (for both or us!) We loved Wednesday mornings. So I was excited a few years later when my little son Peter and I were invited to participate in another play group. This one turned out to be very different. There were craft projects, snack time, learning time and rules aplenty. Soon Peter decided it wasn’t for him. He didn’t misbehave there. But it seemed stressful for all the moms—worrying about their children’s performance and behavior every minute. It was an entirely different experience. No joy for either of us.

Peter’s in second grade and a great student who never struggles with structure. He likes it now.

In a broader sense, this describes my philosophy about early childhood. The focus is not so much on rules and structure as on gentle teaching, nurturing and enjoying. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of preschool—but that topic is for another day.

I can tell that you’re an excellent mom. I give you permission to just be mediocre (just kidding). But just slow down and enjoy her. Your days together are numbered.

All my love,
Jane

A Disrespectful 11-year-old?

2010-03-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Dear Jane-

I have an 11 1/2 year old daughter who has a nasty temper. She gets upset when we ask her to do simple things like brushing her teeth all the way up to completing her chores. When she doesn't get her way, she tends to take it out on her 3 younger siblings by hurting them, yelling at them, or anything else she can think of. She also takes it out on her father and I. Sadly, the terms "I hate you" and "You are the meanest parent ever" are common place in my home. She has no respect for my husband or I.

I have tried dealing with the situation every way that I can...nothing I do seems to work. Thinking that she needed special one on one attention, I've taken her out for one on one mother daughter time, I've treated her to special things. My husband has done these same things but they haven't worked. On the flip side, we have grounded her, put her in time out, made her skip out on doing things she really wanted to. Once again, these things have not worked. She tells us she is sorry but 5 minutes later, she is back to her old ways.

The worst part is that I am starting to see her siblings exhibit some of her behavior problems as well. I feel like a horrible parent because I didn't start teaching them a lot of the things I should have when they were young. Now that they are getting older, I see what that lack of teaching has done and it really bothers me. How can I teach my child(ren) to not only respect her parents but to do as she is asked without throwing a fit every time?

Thank You-

Patti

The Answer:

Dear Patti,

I have thought long and hard about your situation. In some ways, I am at a loss. As you know, I'm not a professional and my expertise in this area (and many others) is limited to my own experience. One thing I've always known about myself is that I am much better at preventing problems than solving them. So, truthfully, I haven't experienced what you're going through.

But I can tell you what I would do if I did.

My world would grind to a halt until I reconstructed my relationship with my daughter. I would make her my focus. It is going to take much more than regular nights out and treats. You are going to need to start at the foundation and ask yourself the hard questions. Why is she so angry? What is she really feeling inside? What are your true feelings toward her? I suspect that you don't like her very much right now. Who would? She's destroying the harmony in your home. But if, fundamentally, she doesn't feel your love, she will contiue to make your life a nightmare.

Deep feelings of being loved and accepted are the feelings that heal. You will need to go deep.

Perhaps it may involve counseling. A third party might be able to help you see the dynamics that have brought you to this point. Prayer and fasting are powerful tools--if you're asking the right questions. Not "please help her to change", but "help me to deeply love this girl and help her to feel it." Approach the whole situation with the humble attitude that you expressed in your letter--the realization that there are things you might have done better and the desire to repair the breech in this precious relationship.

You can make all kinds of rules about the things she can and can't say to you, about her treatment of siblings, about obedience. But these rules will never hold up as she grows older. You want her to treat you with respect because she respects you. You want her to obey you because she wants to. This, I truly believe, only happens when a child feels genuinely loved and cared for--and that her feelings are important to you. Buying her things and taking her places are just soap bubbles. They're gone in a few minutes. Laying next to her on her bed, looking at her, playing with her hair, being in no hurry, listening without lecturing til true feelings start to come out--investing in this bond for as long as it takes. She won't respond over night, but as she sees that you love her and you mean it, she'll begin to give back.

She is still young. But if you keep doing what you're doing, she'll keep doing what she's doing and things will unravel. Now is the time to turn the tide.

I really did appreciate your letter. You are probably doing many good things in your home. I only got a slice of the negative. Take the holy spirit as your guide and work with your husband as you face this challenge. The rewards are inestimable.

With love,

Jane

Our First Question For YOU (potty training)

2010-03-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

SO...We received this question and my mom doesn't have any experience with this particular problem with potty training. I (Natalie) am experiencing this exact same problem RIGHT NOW with my 3 year old, and am completely at a loss. Do you have any advice? Help us out, please!

The Question:

Ok, my question has to do with potty training... My oldest son turned 3 in December, and we are working with him on using the potty. We informally approached the issue for several months, and after he seemed comfortable with the potty and had been successful in using it at times, I just committed to underwear for him and only use diapers at night (though he usually wakes up dry anyway). So far it has been two weeks, and he has been doing great! He hasn't had a single pee accident, even going to church and friend's houses. I still have to take him potty throughout the day though. I am assuming (and hoping) that he will eventually tell me needs to go, and progress up to being able to take himself! The biggest issue we are having is with him going poop on the potty. In these two weeks of underwear and wonderful pee success, he hasn't pooped on the potty a single time. So, that leaves me cleaning it out of his underwear every day. He will not tell me when he feels like he needs to go, and if I suggest he try, he refuses. We use a sticker chart for the pee, and have discussed his reward for pooping (a new train!) which he is excited about, but still just won't try to do it. He usually hides in his room and poops when I am pre-occupied (ie. laying the baby down for an afternoon nap) so I continually seem to miss the window of opportunity to take him. On days that I take him and encourage him to try often, he will just hold it until the next day. I don't want this to turn into a long term battle with him, because he has the tendency to be strong willed and dig in his heels about things he doesn't like to do (ie. PICKY eater!). So... long story short, do you have any advice for lovingly helping him to learn this skill? Or do I completely ignore it and one day he will just want to poop on the potty himself?

Sincerely,

Jeanine

Instilling Values in a Smaller Family?

2010-02-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

The Question:

Dear Jane,

I think it's wonderful that you've been able to have so many children. I come from a family of 5 children and always hoped I would have a larger family. After my husband I I were married a year and a half we learned of our inability to have biological children. We didn't waste any time and now six years into marriage we have adopted 2 beautiful children and hope to adopt at least one more. With adoption being so very expensive, we are feeling lucky to have the 2 we have!

In your earlier posts you mention about the decline of large families and I'm with you about your thoughts of what and how children learn from having a lot of siblings with parents whose budgets need to stretch to take care of business. I only hope my children can learn those same lessons (lessons I learned growing up), but I'm afraid we'll have a smaller family.

Do you think those same lessons and experiences can be taught and observed by children who come from smaller families? Maybe there isn't much to this question, but I do feel like the decline in family size might have a lot to do with growing infertility in couples. It's very common in today's world whereas when my mother was having children, she didn't know of anyone who struggled to get pregnant. In other words, sometime choices and options are limited (or more difficult) when it comes to building a family. Thanks for your time! Kate

The Answer:

Dear Kate,

Let me just say first of all, sight unseen, that I just love you. Your letter went straight to my heart. And I'm so proud of you and thrilled that you've been able to adopt two children.

In response, I would just say that it's very possible to instill wonderful values in your children even though there aren't as many. Big families learn the art of give and take and doing without because they don't have a choice. You just have to be more disciplined about it. You have to take care not to indulge your children. You'll need to find opportunities for them to serve. Teach them to work. Encourage them to earn their own education.

As my family winds down, we have four children left at home. I face this same challenge with a smaller family--having to create circumstances that happened naturally in a big family. But I've discovered many wonderful benefits too. I have more time to spend with each child. We are more able to serve people outside of our family. Things are a little quieter!

Each of us, as we approach our family--whatever its size, need to decide what we truly want our children to learn--what qualities we want them to develop. Then we ponder and pray to know how to instill those qualities. As we implement the ideas that begin to flow in, we see results. It's an amazing process.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts.

Love

Jane

Lasting Unity Between Siblings?

2010-02-24T12:49:00.000-08:00

The Question:

How have you fostered unity, love and respect between your kids? What can I do as a Mom to encourage this? Neither my husband nor I are close to our siblings and we both feel a void that we want to make sure our kids don't. Any insights would be so greatly appreciated! -Anonymous

The Answer:

I'm so impressed by your desire to change things in your own family--in terms of relationships among your children. You are really on the right track because you recognize that void and you have a strong desire to turn the tide in your own family. Here are some of my thoughts:

It is important to understand that favoritism causes tension between your children. As a mother, you have a responsibility to fully love and appreciate each one of your children. If you find yourself preferring one child above another...well, you just can't. This is a topic all its own, but just realize that if you favor children, your family will suffer. Do everything you can to know each child and appreciate their differences.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, there are certain lines that children should never be allowed to cross in their relationships. No physical or verbal attacks of any kind. Simply do not allow them. Don't assume that this type of fighting is inevitable.

A steady stream of family prayer and scripture study invites a type of light into your home that encourages positive relationships.

As you and your husband speak to eachother and to your children with love and respect, you will set a positive emotional climate for your home.
I was mulling this question over on the way to a soccer game yesterday so I threw it out there for my children. "Why are you growing up to be such good friends?" I asked. Silence. "What are things we do that make you love each other?" I tried. Finally Seth said, "Well, I think it's when we work together and study and go places and do things together, we all start to think alike." I think that's true. We develop a family humor, family standards, a "family" way of viewing the world that bonds us.

Finally, think of that very profound line in the Family Proclamation that says, "Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord, Jesus Christ. Every so often, my husband and I choose a commandment and commit to "up" our observance of it. Whenever we do, we notice immediate rewards in our family--observing the Sabbath day, serving others, fasting.

Don't approach this problem with fear. Keep a clear vision of what you want and move forward with faith. With the Lord's help, you can create the family you want to have.

Just a bunch of practical advice

2010-02-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Jane,

I have a few questions about the mechanics of family life, not so much the eternally important things. I hope you don't mind me asking those types of questions. I don't mean to waste your time, I just feel like you probably have some really good ideas about this stuff in addition to your marvelous testimony that shines through your blog posts. Love, Heidi

The Question:

Have you discovered any stain removal secrets you can share with some of us with less experience? Specifically, how do you get chocolate out of kids' clothing?!

The Answer:

I have a stain removal secret for you. After using “Shout”, if I find that a stain still hasn’t come out, I put it in “the pile”. When I have accumulated four or five items, I make the brew. I fill a sink about 1/3 full of hot water (not too hot to touch.) I then add about a half cup each of bleach and powdered dishwasher soap. It has to be powdered. If the clothing item is colored, I dip it in the bleach water again and again until the stain disappears. Usually, the color stays fast. Then I quickly rinse it and add it to my laundry. If the item is white, I just put it in the water and leave it for a few minutes. This concoction has worked miracles for me. It’s a last ditch effort because sometimes (rarely) it causes the colors to fade. I’m not sure the amounts are right. To tell you the truth, I just pour them in.

The Other Questions, followed by The Other Answers:

The following questions were posted by my cousin on our family website. As I was contemplating them, I wondered what Jane would say about each one:

1. Question 1...bedwetting:) Our son still wets the bed. He is 5 1/2 years old so I know that is not terribly old, but if there is anything I can do to expedite the process than I'd like to try:) My husband and I both stopped when we were two and three...Our other child too. Our son wears a pull-up at night. We've tried to have him not wear them and see if that helps him to make him more aware, but then I just end up washing sheets every day. Any suggestions?

I did have a couple of kids who were late bed-wetters. It wasn’t every night, but often. I tried to watch their liquid intake in the evening and I would wake them up before I went to bed and take them to the bathroom. This didn’t always work so I washed sheets. I remember having them help me change the sheets but I think it’s important not to shame them. It seems like a developmental thing because in time, it just went away. If your son seems emotionally healthy, I would just ride it out.

2. Question 2...Sacrament Mtg reverence:) While Sacrament Mtg in general is getting easier as the kids get older, we still struggle with this. With four little kids, sometimes I feel like we are the loudest family in the ward. Any ideas you've tried that have worked?

Ah, Sacrament Meeting. I used to sit down and apologize in advance to whoever was sitting behind us. It’s rough. But I learned one little thing by accident. One day, I forgot my well-equipped Sacrament Meeting bag. I was terrified. No crackers, books, pens and paper, toys, nothing. And to my surprise, it was our best Sacrament Meeting yet. It occurred to me that I might have been over-stimulating my children. After that, we had nothing at all until after the Sacrament. Then maybe just a small tablet and pencil. I encouraged them to draw pictures of things they were hearing in the talks. My husband and I had the deal that I always cared for the baby and he always held the next one up.

3. Question 3...Any fun family home evening ideas your families have done? I know there are tons, but anything that really stands out as a great idea?

I’d like to invite our readers to each share their favorite one ever.

I’ll tell you mine. This was somewhat elaborate and it wasn’t my original idea. I read it somewhere. Also, our children were a little older. We each wrote our testimony. Then, using a code, we carved them onto plates (We wrote gently with pen on foil covered cardboard pages). When we each had our page, we bound them together with rings and explained to our children that our collective testimonies were like the scriptures. That would have been great as it was, but we assigned our son, Eric to bury them somewhere in the yard-- which he did. During the week, he "appeared" to Kristen and told her where they were so she could dig them up and bring them back. She did and we used the code to translate each testimony. I don’t know about the kids, but I never forgot it!

4. Question 4...How do you handle your kids going over to other people's houses to play or spend the night? Now that the boys are in school, they have been invited to playdates at people's houses that I don't know. In the past their friends have mostly been people at church whom I know... I have never felt comfortable with sleepovers in particular either...any thoughts?

We didn’t do sleepovers. We were famous for “late-overs”. This was highly inconvenient, but we would let our children spend the evening and enjoy the fun and then at bedtime, we would come and get them. I got this from my older sister who had read some research that indicated that most sexual experimentation and crude discussion (between boys especially) happens at sleepovers. So as a protection, I have avoided them. On some special occasions (like a best friend’s birthday) if I really feel comfortable with the family, I make an exception. With so many children, sleepovers would have been very disruptive to our family.

For play dates, I think it’s important to meet the parents, have the child over first and teach your child how to call you if they ever feel uncomfortable.

5. Question 5...Chores How do you work chores/jobs? I am embarrassed to admit I haven't really done a structured way of doing chores up til now. They just kind of help me do jobs around the house as they are interested in doing them. But I think it's time a little more is expected. Do you rotate, have charts, have allowance?

We’ve done all of the above. Our main workday is Saturday. We spend all morning cleaning the house and I usually try to find a fun interesting way to do it.

We’ve earned beans for jobs and then had a little store at the end.

I made a board game (very simple out of construction paper) called Jackpot that had all the jobs on it. When you landed on a job, you had to do it and at the end, we all won the Jackpot (a bag of candy.)

I made a tape (does anyone have cassettes anymore?) on which I said each job that I wanted done. “Clean all the toilets” “Vacuum the living room”, etc. Each child would accomplish a job and then turn on the tape player to get the next one. When we got to the end of the tape, the house was clean.

I loved Saturday morning work. I love the feeling of mopping a floor while I hear the vacuum going downstairs and someone dusting the living room. I think we all loved that feeling. After the work, we tried to do something fun or just let everyone go and play.

For weekday chores, we’ve used a rotating chart at times, but honesty what has worked the best for me is to assign each family member a responsibility for a month or more. For example--clean your room and the bathroom every morning before school. They get good at their job and there is no confusion about expectations. Even a very young child can make their bed every morning and then set the table for dinner every night.

I know there is a lot of disagreement about giving kids allowance. I confess, I’m a dismal failure at it. We’ve tried it off and on and it just never lasts. But I do keep a list of “extra” jobs that I am willing to pay children to do—Vacuum the van, Organize the storage room, etc. So there are always chances to earn money.