tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post5305120017629643101..comments2023-04-14T00:42:50.052-07:00Comments on Asking Jane: How Do I Breathe?Nataliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12768195400316361623noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-64221608840994027732011-03-14T19:24:46.896-07:002011-03-14T19:24:46.896-07:00It's been exactly a year since this post...hav...It's been exactly a year since this post...have things gotten any better? I wanted to reach out and help, but then looked at the date (been reading older posts).Jillianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00515594757182916743noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-54792301122495569322010-06-15T00:04:25.072-07:002010-06-15T00:04:25.072-07:00My comment for Natalie is this.....Remember when i...My comment for Natalie is this.....Remember when in your letter you wrote "And that wasn't the worst of it...the worst part was trying to get someone to help me" could it be that sometimes we are to afraid to ask if someone needs help?....Those shoppers might have been too worried that by asking if you needed help you might then become more upset and embarrassed...BUT i bet would have been more than happy to help you....ALL you have to do is Ask.......ask neighbours or friends or church friends and teens of friends to help....accept any help that is offered...I had three children, my son was 4.5 when my 2nd daughter was born just 13 months after her sister and i was always on the go...my saving grace was a teen up the street from where i lived...she LOVED babies....And almost EVERY afternoon asked to take the girls for a walk...oh my god! how that one hour saved me....Just ask sweets.....and maybe just maybe you will get that saving grace....Best of luck always...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-41096078606147649672010-05-03T15:26:07.406-07:002010-05-03T15:26:07.406-07:00You have gotten so much good advice. There are two...You have gotten so much good advice. There are two Situations that have helped me in my hard times. <br />1)My friend had a little boy who was crazy like your sweet Whitney. He would run around the chapel during sacrament and all of us neighbors who loved him would jump up to help catch him. He peed in her fridge, I thought he was possessed. When he got into school, they realized he was a genious and his mind just couldn't stand the stillness, it needed to be constantly stimulated. He is on medication now to help calm him, but he is 11 and brilliant. <br /><br />2) Another friend had one daughter and couldn't get pregnant. 6 years later she had another one. Then 2 years later another one. Then 11 months later another one. Then 12 months later another one. In my craziness she said to me, "When people tell you you have your hands full, you tell them you love it. This was what you wanted, and you did! You say it enough and you'll believe it. Quit telling yourself, 'This is so hard' or you will make it harder. Say 'I can do this! I love this!" You can't do that all the time, but it really helped me change my attitude, perspective and feelings for my kids. <br /><br />I got a 4 page type written letter one day from an annonymous sister in my ward after our family spoke in sacrament. She told me all the things we were doing wrong with our kids and what we should be doing. I cried. Then I realized I didn't want to be like her anyway.Big Girl Pantshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01568784534729101046noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-76109122933381691682010-04-17T00:33:03.567-07:002010-04-17T00:33:03.567-07:00I cried when I read this post. I have one 2 year o...I cried when I read this post. I have one 2 year old, but although he has TONS of energy, he is very well mannered and pretty obedient. I am so sorry for the way that others are treating you. I pray that you will have a sister come into your life that will aid you and love you for the wonderful mother that you are! Until that happens, I would take all of the advice about asking for help from your ward, friends, neighbors, and family. It is hard, my son had a life-threatening illness at one point, and I had to put my pride aside and ask for help- lots of it. I know the Lord can bring others into your life as a blessing, just as he did in mine! Try to remember the precious blessings that your children are, and pray like crazy for you and your husbands sanity!Dana Scarbroughhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13162405155950918210noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-13306126338035855342010-03-29T11:24:17.721-07:002010-03-29T11:24:17.721-07:00First of all, a BIG hug to you! And just to help ...First of all, a BIG hug to you! And just to help you feel the bright side of things, my fireball (who I was sure was going to destroy himself or our home when he was little) is getting ready to receive the priesthood next week, and has become the most wonderful, responsible boy. All of those qualities that made me crazy (the independence, persistence, ambition, etc.) serve him well now that he is older and knows how to use them. He is a huge help to me and we are really close. (An added plus - the stubborn streak is GREAT when it comes to peer pressure! Just remember that one day her friends won't be able to talk her into squat either!) Try to visualize what things will be like when she is older. I know how hard it can be to deal with great big spirits inside little tiny bodies! Remember that the fact that she is in your home is the Lord's vote of confidence in you. His Atonement covers all of our heartaches and shortcomings, and I know that He will be there to help you.Brigette Littlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06985299000579379402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-33523626568758919882010-03-25T18:50:22.234-07:002010-03-25T18:50:22.234-07:00Natalie, I'm so sorry. I feel your pain - thi...Natalie, I'm so sorry. I feel your pain - this is all too familiar. I second Jane's idea to ask for help from the ward or friends - if there is any time to be "Survivor Mom" instead of "Super Mom," this is it. And also just know that you're doing the best that you can, and that God knows that, and that He'll make up the difference for you as you walk through these excruciatingly difficult times. <br /><br />{{HUGS}}Liz Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07549586800620411712noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-36815738026506443892010-03-20T13:32:22.829-07:002010-03-20T13:32:22.829-07:00I thought of another idea for Natalie. When I had...I thought of another idea for Natalie. When I had my twins, it was mid-summer, so I hired a 13-year-old to come over three afternoons a week for two hours as a mother's helper. Sometimes I'd run errands, sometimes I'd nap, but usually, she just played with kids and babies while I got some downtime. It wasn't very expensive, and after a few weeks, we started having her come twice a week, then once a week.Handsfullmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17080603359227234634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-42362315771681115492010-03-19T19:56:10.552-07:002010-03-19T19:56:10.552-07:00Natalie, where do you live? I'm in West Valley...Natalie, where do you live? I'm in West Valley and I'd be happy to take one or both kids to the park so you can take a nap. Email me if you're close.<br /><br />immature_and_loving_it@yahoo.com<br /><br />I agree you should talk to your ward. I'd recommend finding a friend who can sit with you during sacrament. See if any of the Young Women would like to sit with you and read books or help color or something. I have a friend in my ward and the YW LOVE to help with her kids. Check with the Relief Society President to see if she can recommend anyone who has some spare time one or 2 days a week who can sit at your house with the kids while you shop alone. That is SUCH a nice breather. Maybe it would work best if you try to schedule your shopping for your daughter's nap time so they can just watch your son.<br /><br />Do you live where your kids can play outside? Try giving your daughter more time to just run around outside. Maybe she's feeling cooped up. You could sit on the porch and read a book while she runs and plays in dirt and chews on sticks (I promise this won't hurt her.)<br /><br />I'm very lucky in that I have 5 sisters and we've all been there for each other when needed to babysit while someone took a nap, or went shopping, or went to the doctor. I don't know if you have any family close by, but it's worth asking them for help.<br /><br />Again, email me if I'm close to you. I'm serious about the nap. ;)bequihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11501790889477815294noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-52838591512113271312010-03-18T20:11:42.878-07:002010-03-18T20:11:42.878-07:00Beautiful post and wonderful ideas and comments. ...Beautiful post and wonderful ideas and comments. I love the parallels to the tough pioneer years.Handsfullmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17080603359227234634noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-12961724478391810862010-03-17T11:51:17.994-07:002010-03-17T11:51:17.994-07:00Natalie,
I read your letter and I just kept noddi...Natalie, <br />I read your letter and I just kept nodding. I have been there too. The whole thing; the husband being gone, the two kids close together and pregnant with a third, the wild kids who were worse than everyone else's, the destructive child that I (still) can't turn my back on for a minute, and the negative comments from others even when my kids were being good! I developed several nervous habits like eating too fast to biting my lip. But it did get better, much better! Life is still busy here, and some days (now pregnant with our fourth) I still think I'm just treading water, but my oldest is 5yo and I know the toddler stage will pass. All the difficulties will pass. <br />Jane's advice is wonderful, and I would start there. Also look for other books/CDs about parenting and home management to give you as many ideas as possible. I found the book/Cd The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson to be really helpful, and the book A Mother's Rule of Life: How to bring order to your home and peace to your soul by Holly Pierlot, to be absolutely life changing. Ask people you admire for advice and ideas, and try new ideas consistently for two weeks. If they don't work for you try something else until you find what works for YOUR child. Also, try to wake up before your kids, even when you are exhausted, you will feel better all day if your day starts with a shower and a few quiet moments to yourself. Above all pray when you get discouraged, the Lord says we can do nothing without him and this includes motherhood. <br />Good Luck! And if you want to read about one of our disasters you can read about the time I tried to take my kids to a Music and Movement class here: http://bananasbread.blogspot.com/2009/04/class-time.html<br />And here are the posts about the class I found that WAS right for my kids (a little more up-lifting :) <br />http://bananasbread.blogspot.com/2009/05/class-time.html and http://bananasbread.blogspot.com/2009/05/class-2.htmlBananahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11642212940576131428noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-34804150748125997722010-03-17T07:31:01.276-07:002010-03-17T07:31:01.276-07:00Sweet Natalie! I just want to hug you! I am not in...Sweet Natalie! I just want to hug you! I am not in your situation but I *have* dealt with severe peri-natal depression and anxiety (including before and after childbirth). I used to hold my breath ALL THE TIME - PND or no PND, it's a classic symptom of stress. I realized later that when I allowed myself to breathe, I would start to cry. (Crying was something I was always trying to avoid.) When I finally sat down with a therapist and she started trying to help me to relax, she asked me to take several deep breaths and I just started sobbing, and it all came out. It may not make sense but I realize now that crying was what I needed, body and soul. It's not an instant ticket to happiness, but I came away feeling quiet and peacful, like a great amount of tension had been released, which was a great start. Many people feel ashamed of crying - it's not favorably viewed by society - but I think it is a gift from God, one that helps our bodies and minds to release tension and find healing. This is just a little thing, but I hope it helps you find a little relief.Annie Atkin Rasmussenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07902630829768225522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-8370395478326306732010-03-17T05:38:04.315-07:002010-03-17T05:38:04.315-07:00I don't have the time to put into words what I...I don't have the time to put into words what I really want to say to help you... I have a 3 year old "fireball" and an 18 month old "fireball-in-training"... (just last week the 18 month old climbed a ladder to the roof of our patio). But right after reading your letter, I read this (http://knockoffwood.blogspot.com/2010/03/journal-one-day-at-time.html) and thought, WOW. Don't we all need to hear this?Amy G.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07728164036289033237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-23954519575630409602010-03-16T20:08:10.329-07:002010-03-16T20:08:10.329-07:00Sweet Natalie- I feel your desperation and frustra...Sweet Natalie- I feel your desperation and frustration coming through the screen. I want to send you my positive thoughts, prayers and encouragement- you are a good mom and you are doing a good job. <br /><br />I want to second what Jane said about reaching out to your ward- asking for help can be painful and humbling but you truly need it and are deserving of it. Your ward members will rally around you in service and love and definitely extend you and your family more patience and understanding.Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17983045210766395899noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-64863605984219193132010-03-16T15:43:46.711-07:002010-03-16T15:43:46.711-07:00In some ways I feel like I have totally been there...In some ways I feel like I have totally been there and some days I am still there. While my husband was in graduate school we were living away from family and friends and we had a ward that didn't like us at all. For what ever reason they didn't like us. In fact, right in the middle of sacrament meeting an older couple got up and moved to the front to get away from us. It wasn't all in my head, they did it for the reason that we were too loud. That's why we sat in the back! We had people constantly making comments about how wild my two red headed boys were. In nursery one of the teachers was trying to discipline my son by slapping his hand to get him to stop taking the wrong play doh. I saw this with my very own eyes. I would seriously cry everyday and night wondering if it would ever end. Thinking about now makes me cry just because I knew that as a family we were better than what the world saw, but no one could understand us. It was just HORRIBLE!!!!! Every situation with every child is different so I really don't know what I would do, but what Jane says sounds really good. I do have to say that I asked my husband for a blessing and it REALLY helped BOTH of us. Jane talks a lot about how you feel about your children and I would say that there are times when I don't feel the love for them that I should and when I don't I ask my husband to pray with me or give me a blessing because sometimes I am not in the right frame of mind and he is and for some reason it works for us. I have had friends who have used early intervention and have been amazed at the growth their children have acquired. Last thing, now when people make any comment that I interpret as a back handed comment I just say something like..."i've got some great kids." Even if I do feel like everyone is judging us or they are acting out of hand. Just because I want my children to hear me say to other people that I love them. and it's really none of there business what they think of my parenting. I use to apologize for everything and sometimes I still do, but I don't feel like I am doing it as much which makes me feel better. You are an awesome mom! I love that you were so honest! I want to be that way too!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14516022906322679558noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-9658185159600047762010-03-16T11:08:48.187-07:002010-03-16T11:08:48.187-07:00Natalie-
I was crying as I read you post because I...Natalie-<br />I was crying as I read you post because I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! Although my boys aren't as close together as your children are, my middle son was and extremely HARD toddler. I felt that same anxiety going ANYWHERE! Church was a nightmare and I was forced to purchase something i SWORE I never would...a leash...a cute "monkey backpack" but a leash non the less. I figured that it was better than losing him in a public place, yet agiain, because maybe next time I wouldn't get him back. We have had the police over to our house searching for our missing escape artist child and he was once actually sprayed by a skunk! We have discovered that he is mildly autistic. That was a hard day...in fact still to this day...he is 5 now, I sometime convice myself that he is/was just a normal kid. I tell you this not to scare you but to reassure you. When he was 2-3 years old he was a mess and so hard to deal with, but now as a 5 year old he has grown out of a lot of the behaviors that stressed me out so much when he was young. In fact now, when I tell people he his autistic they are surprised. Now don't get me wrong he still has his moments (i think every single one of his primary teachers are going straight to the celestial kingdom), but they are now managable, no more than managable, especally compared to the first 3 years of his life. I wish there was a magic trick to gettting your toddler to behave but for me there wasn't. I just had to be prepared, and realize that I was doing the best I can and if anyone else had a problem with me or my kid, that is just what is was, THEIR PROBLEM!! There are services offered by your local school district that could help. Early intervention programs may be available for help, and they are typically free. There are many different ways kids can qualify, she doesn't have to be autistic, but it might give you some reasources that could be helpful. Just know that you are not alone. I can't tell you how many times I have cried myself to sleep! But it WILL get easier. If you ever need anything or want to talk, Jane and Natalie know how to get a hold of me... :) HANG IN THERE!!!Desteneehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16061706172036252292noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-26105511204204707212010-03-16T10:34:01.904-07:002010-03-16T10:34:01.904-07:00My first and last sons were very much like Whitney...My first and last sons were very much like Whitney...especially that year from 2 to 3. It was just constant destruction by them. My husband was also almost always gone, 7 days a week. Those were very physically challenging years for sure. I've come to think of 2 year olds as mentally ill, because that is truly how my oldest and youngest sons acted back then. I remember all the advice I was given from ward members just trying to be helpful. But most did not have a clue about my life. They would gently imply that maybe we were too hard on him at home, maybe he watched too much violent TV, etc etc....all not true. My first son was even banned from the nursery at Primary...he was given his own teacher in a room all by himself. I came home and cried the day I found out that! Some 2 year olds are just a lot harder than others. <br /><br />It was easier with my last son because even though he was my hardest 2 year old of all (4 sons), by then I knew he would eventually get better, I knew we just needed to endure it and love him, and I was more confident in my mothering by then. I remember praying every morning for his safety and protection because he would do the most dangerous things..throw things, break things, continually try to escape the house even during the night...I had a goal of keeping him alive until he was 3 and then I knew he would get better...and he did! He and his wife will graduate from BYU in a few weeks. <br /><br />My 2 middle sons did not go through this like my other 2 sons did. So I also got a taste of how it is in other families with calmer 2 year olds. <br /><br />They do grow up and they do get better. I think there was an extreme difference between ages 2 and 3. It's like one day they wake up and the "mental illness" is gone and they are such pleasant little people. <br /><br />I remember this older gentleman at church one particularly difficult Sunday with my first 2 year old. I guess he saw me struggling with Brock and he said to me, "I've often thought how nice it would be if we could just put 2 year olds in a box and take them out when they are 3." He and his wife had raised 6 great kids, so I took his wisdom to heart and I realized it was not just me, not just my son. <br /><br />Our greatest blessings in this life, are also our greatest challenges. Funny how those 2 go hand in hand.Grandma Honeyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09587160523698527979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-58289321063352902022010-03-16T09:06:56.078-07:002010-03-16T09:06:56.078-07:00Natalie,
Where do you live? I want to run over an...Natalie,<br /> Where do you live? I want to run over and help you all day! I have 2 year old twins and you're right--it is much easier that they are on the same page. I was in a similar boat with infertility. I swore I would never yell,spank, be ungrateful either. But I have been all of those things. But they are the exception. Don't be so hard on yourself. <br />And other people just need to mind their own beeswax! They have no idea what it is like to be you! My guess is that most of the negative comments come from people who feel inadequate with their own "easy" life, so they have to put someone down who has a harder life. Try try try to surround yourself with people who will be supportive. Jane is right-there may be an issue with your daughter. My nephew has similar issues and is in a special school. But they do sound mild and manageable with the right help so give yourself the peace of mind by finding out. There very well could be nothing unusual, but at least you will know.<br />Since I can't come do your dishes, or take your children for a walk while you nap, I will just pray and pray for you to be able to enjoy your days again...<br />love from a mother who is going to appreciate her life today...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05685356518695678002noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3111959418563495652.post-10704766061195532312010-03-16T08:34:32.841-07:002010-03-16T08:34:32.841-07:00I have four children that are very closely spaced....I have four children that are very closely spaced. Being pregnant with young children is especially hard and having an absent husband is also--at least you have that Sunday as a reprieve, I have never had that either. My husband works 10-12 hour days and often 6 days a week, one of them almost always being Sunday. For two years he also went to school full time, which started during my 4th pregnancy and then for 1-1/2 years after she was born. <br /><br />Don't be afraid to ask for help from ward members, especially during the first months of this new baby's life. <br /><br />And don't forget to pray, really pray. Heavenly Father knows your needs and knows your children better than you do and if you really pray and learn to listen, He will whisper what you need to know and do for your children. After all, who wants your children to succeed more than you do? He does! <br /><br />It is hard, but children do grow and these days will pass, and very quickly, believe it or not.JennaKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10724959154514125980noreply@blogger.com